This season I am going to give you the lowdown. I have an inside source that will give me the really for sure true facts, and as soon as I get them from that little Cajun bug (the not-Russell source) I'll pass them on to you via this secret channel. It is very important that no one tell anyone about these threads, this is just between you and me. Apparently, there is a question of legality involved.

A little background is appropriate here. I am guy. I have disguised myself as a girl basically to throw some pesky marshals off my trail They are trying to serve some subpoenas. And if expect to last the season, I need a to practice this little deception. So, for the purposes of spoiling I am just a silly frilly little 12 YO girl, secretly in love with Lars in my 6th grade class, yearning for my first kiss, in awe of the changes my body is....OK, OK, back on track. Too much imagination is mighty distracting, I'll tell you what! So...

So if anybody happens to ask, mums the word. OK? Anybody that happens to ask about me, especially if they are wearing JC Penny suits, narrow ties, and brown wingtip shoes (Feds), you never heard of me, and last you heard, I went to China anyway. Y'all with me? (OK, that "Y'all" doesn't mean I'm not from the south either, I'm... I'm... I'm Canadian! That's it! Or maybe Australian. Basically I'm from a country that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the country of SeeBS. And I'm not anyone named Russell either. In fact, my real name is Fred, but keep it under your pork pie hat.)

Now, with that out of the way (please erase as soon as you read this, this is really top secret stuff), on to spoiling the first episode:

Episode 1: (waves one hand over crystal ball, other hand checking out curiously budding little...slaps own hand, back to business, you!)

Clue #1: There will be a beach involved, palm trees, sand, and while lots of the women will be wearing bikinis, some will dare to wear bras as bikini tops. Guys will be modeling briefs. For some reason, boxers are out this year. The little girl in me regrets this, but the guy is thinking thank goodness, who know what could come spilling out (the guy is also thinking about moving into the disguise of an 18 YO, maybe this 12 YO thing wasn't all that well thought out. They throw you into a whole different jail for that kind of stuff. So from now on, I'm a naughty 18 YO nymphet, yearning to be a star, and willing to do anything...Whoa! that's pretty distracting too!).

Clue #2: (and this is exclusive from MissyPissy) most of the castaways will be from California. Some will be older, some will be younger, and there will be at least one really wrinkled person in a sad saggy bikini or badly bagging briefs. Then there will be Russell, and no words will be available to your chronicler to describe them.

Clue #3: A new twist this season will be called Long Pork Island. Long Pork Island will be where castaways who are voted out at Tribal council are sent. They will be skinned, gutted, and slow roasted, may return to their old tribe and served on a bun with either a sweet BBQ sauce or the vinegary kind.

Clue #4: And speaking of pork, there will be a pig killing. Unfortunately, my source did not explain this fully, so here's hoping that this is a metaphor indicating the demise of Russell and or Rob, and I wouldn't count out the possibility that both could be thrown into a snake infested shark pit and eaten alive, screaming in pain, and made to understand the pain the rest of us have been subjected to too many times. We can only hope.

Clue #5: And, oh yeah, they tribes are selected, they are given these stretchy armbands that some will wear as skirts, tube tops, bandannas, and whatever. Someone wins the first challenge, there may or may not be a reward challenge, and someone, probably the crazy middle aged prairie school teacher/chicken farmer survivalist will go home at ceremony they will call Tribal Council. Something called "torches" will also be involved.

You heard it here first!

MissyPissy, Sourced Spoiler to the Stars!