The Bachelor 4 – Episode 6 Summary
“Dying to Meet You”
by AyaK

Prologue: A busy newsroom. Editor Webby sits behind the desk.
Webby: “Well, AK, looks like your blundering has cost us again.”
AyaK: “Huh?”
Webby: “Where’s the summary for The Bachelor 4 Episode 6?”
AyaK: “Which one was that again?”
Bebo: “The one where Bob went to meet the women’s families. Remember?”
sleeeve: “You assigned the summary to someone who disappeared. Or died. Did you check if it was Meredith’s granny?”
IceCat: “Anyway, now you have to do it.”
AyaK: “Huh?”
Webby: “No news writing for you until you get the summary done, bucko. Now get out.”
AyaK: “Why can’t one of you write it?”
Bebo: “I wrote Episode 5.”
sleeeve: “My writing skills have spoiled.”
IceCat: “I shape graphics, not words!”
AyaK: “OK, OK. I’ll do it.”
Webby: “We knew you’d volunteer.”

A quiz for Bob Guiney: What’s the difference between the four bachelorettes left and the female black widow spiders in the garage of the “bachelorette house”? Answer: The black widows wait until their mates are dead before they devour them, while you’re going to be the main course at dinner with the bachelorettes’ families this week.

Opening: the house of death in Malibu. Bob packs his baggage. Let’s see, ex-wife in this bag, struggling singing career here, body image issues in that bag, ooooops, Bob’s over the weight limit. Guess he’ll just have to wear the skullcap instead of packing it. Bob, a hint: don’t wear that when you're touring behind your new album.

In a tribute to the obvious, Bob says, “I think people opening up their homes and introducing their families to me is a big deal, because I think that that’s probably one of the most telling signs as to whether or not I could be part of these women’s lives and be part of their families in the future.” Geez, he’s just figuring this out? I guess too many one-night stands as the lead singer of Fat Amy caused him to miss out on one of the most stressful dating rituals for all men: meeting your girlfriend’s parents. This episode must be karmic retribution. There are basically four kinds of disasters that can happen on these dates: (1) you make a fool out of yourself; (2) the parents make fools of themselves; (3) the parents are openly hostile; and (4) you can’t communicate with the parents at all. Let’s see if Bob runs into any of these (hint, hint).

Bob gets to go on a screwy cross-country trip: from Malibu all the way to Tampa with Mary’s folks, then to suburban Chicago with Kelly Jo’s mom, then off to Portland with Meredith’s parents, and then finally back to nearby Beverly Hills with Estella’s mom. I hope he gets to keep his frequent flyer miles.

Subpart One: There’s Something Desperate About Mary

Mary leaves the mansion carrying the big teddy bear from Bob. Just a little, subtle hint that 35-year-old Mary’s biological clock isn’t just ticking softly, it’s reverberating off the walls of the house and the whales in the Pacific Ocean can probably hear it. Mary’s in no hurry to have children --- after all, she doesn’t think that she should be a mom any sooner than nine months after this trip. No artificial fetus growth acceleration techniques for her, mind you … unless they really work, that is. 32-year-old Bob is not sure he’s ready to father a baby, which would mean that he’d have to stop being a baby himself.

Mary and Bob discuss Mary’s dream family, spending Sunday at the beach. Mary seems to be thinking of beaches in Cuba or Florida, with warm, salty air. But I don’t remember Bob saying he was moving to Florida. However, the beaches in Michigan … or even better, Ontario … are nice too, especially because of the fresh water in the Great Lakes – but there’s only about a 3-month window (July-September) for spending time on them before either the water gets too cold (through June) or the air gets too cold (starting in October). Anyone still watching can see that this is doomed, no matter how attractive Mary is or how loudly and confidently she proclaims that she loves Bob and wants him for her husband.

Mary and Bob head over to her sister Carmen’s house. Her parents, Juan and Juana (times were so hard back in Cuba that they could only afford one name, and they had to share it…), don’t speak English. Juana is barely bigger than the teddy bear that Bob gave Mary. Juan tells Bob a story about fleeing Cuba. All of Mary’s Spanish lessons are to no avail – Bob looks completely lost, but he tries his best to pretend that he understands. He proves conclusively that he’d better make it as a singer, because he has no future in acting … and then proves it again at dinner, as Carmen asks Bob about where “his heart” is right now, and he answers that he has stronger feelings for some of the women than for others, implying that Mary is on the wrong end of that “strength-o-meter.” A Bob voice-over says, “Any time you meet a woman's father, you definitely want to make sure that you're letting him know, ‘Hey look, I've got the best intentions.’ The hardest part is when you meet him and you don't necessarily speak the exact same language.” Bob, welcome to “meet her parents” disaster #4 from above.

Meanwhile, Carmen and Mary manage to get away into the bathroom (if you can call being accompanied by a big camera, a big mike, and two crewmen “getting away”) to discuss Bob. Carmen says that she can tell just by looking into Mary’s eyes that Mary hasn’t felt this way about a guy before. The qualifier is interesting. Why doesn’t she just say that Mary hasn’t felt this way before? Because she has, but not with a guy? Well, now we know why she doesn’t have any children. So with whom? Or what? A woman? A cat? A teddy bear? A horse? A vibrator? Another secret we’ll never know, I guess. Carmen says that she doesn’t want Mary to be hurt. Too late, Carmen – she’s on a reality TV dating show, so she’s going to come back with a few emotional scars. They come with the territory.

After dinner, Mary and Bob head back to her house. Bob’s still thinking about the biological clock, and he says that he’s not sure he’s ready to have kids right away. But he is ready to get on with his breast-feeding lessons, and we dissolve. Bob says that Mary’s looking for something “a little more firm.” I have a hunch Bob showed her something meeting that description off-camera.

Subpart Two: Remember, Matty Tyler Was From Wheaton

For the next stop on his cross-country Date ‘Em and Rate ‘Em tour, Bob heads for Wheaton, Illinois to meet the women in Kelly Jo’s family. KJ, wearing shiny silver pants and looking beautiful as usual, picks him up and takes him to her mother Barbara’s house, where her grandmother, aunt and sister are also waiting. In a very strange moment, Barbara first hugged Kelly Jo with a full-body bind, then she practically jumped on Bob, wrapping her legs around him as they hugged. Uh, perhaps the estrogen level in the house was a little TOO high.

With Bob absent and Kelly Jo sitting casually on the kitchen counter (what, is she being served for dinner too?), she tells her sistahs that Bob feels the same way about her that she feels about him … and so the women decide that it’s time to close the sale on Kelly Jo. Although no one talks about anything in particular during dinner, it’s obvious that the women are VERY conscious of making sure that Bob is aware of how lucky he’d be to end up with their darling KJ. After dinner, Barbara takes Bob outside, but just when I wonder if she’s about to jump on him again, she instead launches into her sales pitch about how special her Kelly Jo is and how she will give “150% percent” of herself for the rest of her life (which will be a good long time, since she’s 8 years younger than Bob). Bob looks dazed, like he’s on a used-car lot, but there isn’t much doubt that if Barbara whipped out a marriage contract at the end of the evening and asked Bob to sign it in blood, his only debate would be which vein to puncture.

Fortunately for Bob’s sake, the crew is on a tight schedule, and they whisk him away to his hotel room before he ends the show in a sudden burst of impulsiveness. Clearly Bob has forgotten that the devious Maddy (or, should we say, Mary Ann) from the 1981 film noir classic Body Heat came from Wheaton, and in the last scenes of that movie, the woman is living it up in a South Seas beach resort, while the man is in jail after doing her bidding.

Heading back to his hotel room with Kelly Jo, Bob tells her that the visit couldn’t have gone better and that this visit felt like being with his own family. Kelly Jo had no idea that Bob’s family was trying desperately to marry him off, but she had enough sense to not mention it. She told Bob that her family loved him, and the two of them settle down to some more smooching. Once again, I would simply like to note that Bob’s practice at one-night stands serves him well on this show, because he’ll kiss anyone at anytime just to get to second base. If the music thing doesn’t work out, Bob has a future as a kissing bandit. Oh, and go to the head of the rose parade, KJ.

Subpart Three: "What Does Bob Do After That?"

Next is Portland, where Bob says he wants to make sure that his feelings for Meredith aren’t based on sympathy about her grandmother’s death during shooting and their joint grieving. The two of them hop into a pool, and they just fool around. So far, so good. Both talk about how comfortable they feel. But then things start to go wrong, when Meredith wants to visit granny’s grave and takes Bob with her. She’s very upset, since this is quite obviously her first visit (what, she couldn’t go visit while Bob was in Tampa or Wheaton?) and we can see that this trip was not on Bob’s “to-do” list while in town, although he’s patient and understanding. Uh, ladies, if he wants to know whether he feels more than just sympathy, taking him to granny’s grave is probably not a good way to answer the question.

Still, no harm, or so it seems. Ah, but we still haven’t met Meredith’s family, which turns out to be father Ed, mother Sandy and brother Matt. Bob’s surprised. Heck, I’m shocked. Meredith is elegant. She’s smart, she’s calm, she’s normal. Is this really her family? Poor thing. They’re cold, they’re brusque, they’re NOT elegant. How could she be part of them? If I didn’t know better, I’d think that maybe they found her in the rushes, sorta like Moses.

Bob offers a toast at dinner, expressing his thanks for them allowing him in at such a sad time and his sorrow for their loss. They react as if Granny had been some stray skunk that had been run over by a car near their house. Instead, Sandy wants to talk about Oprah. I’m guessing that she’s the sort of person who buys the National Enquirer when Oprah’s on the cover. But Ed gets the defining moment of the show, when he asks Bob the following question (no joke!):

“Once things are in the crapper and Oprah hates your guts, what does Bob do after that?”

Come to think of it, maybe Meredith knew what she was doing when she took Bob to granny’s grave. More time there means less time with her parents. Bob, who seems to be clearly uncomfortable, answers politely that if he gets lemons, he’ll just make lemonade. Then Ed follows up by pushing his daughter to tell him what she likes about Bob. Meredith’s response, that Bob is caring and attractive and unlike anyone she ever dated, even surprises Bob, who tells her that she’d never heard her say those things to him prior to this. And, like all toddlers, Bob needs his fair share of flattery.

(N.B. I can’t help but wonder what sort of men Meredith dated prior to this. For her sake, I’m hoping that they weren’t men who reminded her of her father. If they were, then all I can say is: Meredith, there are mental health professionals who can cure you of self-destructive behavior.)

It’s time to go, and the chill in the air is palpable. Meredith walks Bob to his car, and they kiss. Bob lies that he loves her family. Yeah, about the same way that people in Malibu would like to get some January weather directly from Saskatchewan. I’m not sure that this falls into dating disaster #3 (parents openly hostile) – but cold and aloof may be even worse.

Subpart Four: The Odd Couple

The last date takes place back at Estella’s apartment in Beverly Hills 90210. If he’s hoping for Valerie, Kelly and Brenda to drop by, no such luck – though, to be honest, there are definite traces of Brenda in Estella. We quickly learn that Estella left home and headed for Beverly Hills at age 15. We see that she lives very well now. We have already learned that, like Bob, Estella’s occupation is mortgage broker. Sorry, but even in Beverly Hills, I’m not sure that mortgage brokers can afford to live like this. And just how did she support herself after she left home at 15? Hey, the answers to those questions might make for a more interesting show than The Bachelor … but it might have to be shown on Cinemax, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, after Estella’s near-meltdown during their Las Vegas date, Bob wants to know if Estella can just be laid back. While answering, Estella bites her nails nervously. Not a good sign, Bobbo. I’d take that as a “no.”

The two of them are going to help her mom, Karen, cook dinner. Karen promptly tells Bob that she used to call Estella “pooterbuns” and “booger.” We now know what motivated Estella to leave home before she was even old enough to drive. Well, either that, or Estella saw the movie Angel – which was made in 1984, six years before she headed for the bright lights of 90210.

Karen asks Bob what he’s looking for in a wife. Bob says someone he can have fun with, someone with a sense of family, someone with a big heart. Considering that all the family and friends that Estella can come up with is her mom, that doesn’t seem so positive for her. But Karen likes the answer. Heck, Karen just likes seeing her daughter again; it seems pretty clear that they don’t reach out and touch each other very often. Meanwhile, Estella says that she’s come to grips with the fact that Bob’s dating a harem. Probably about as well as the rest of us have come to grips with Estella’s supposed age of 28.

After dinner, Bob leaves Estella and her mom alone to talk (in part, in sign language, since Estella’s dad was deaf). Karen tells Estella that Bob is worth chasing after. Uh, mom, I think your daughter had already been doing that.

Subpart Five: Moses Supposes His Toeses Are Roses

Bob says that all the families were wonderful. Sure, and it would be ever so cool to be bitten by one of those black widow spiders in the garage of the bachelorettes’ former pad. The dates broke down as follows: 1 disaster (Meredith), 2 uneven (Mary, Estella), and 1 grand slam home run (Kelly Jo). Will the three roses break down the same way?

As the ladies enter, in the usual enforced silence, host Chris “I’m not the worst host on television, am I?” Harrison gives Estella a kiss. What? Could they have some prior history? Could he be preparing to swoop in on her after Bob picks someone else?

Bob tells the ladies that if he had four roses, he’d give them each one. Better yet, Bob, why don’t you convert to Islam and ask all the women to follow you to Saudi Arabia, where men can have four wives? Plus, women have no rights, so you could be undisputed lord and master. And the families would be far, far away, so you wouldn’t have to see Ed and Sandy anymore. How does that sound, buddy? Chris “OK, I am the worst host – but I’ve still got a job” says that Bob struggled with the decision. Right … but maybe the only struggle was having to keep three of the women around after those family visits.

Roses: first one to … Estella. The Shannon Doherty resemblance pays off again. Next rose to … Kelly Jo. Of course. Chris “Hey, if I don’t talk, they won’t need a host” says there is one rose left. Thanks, Chris, for reminding us that two is one less than three. I’m not sure I could have figured that out. And the last rose goes to … PleasegetmepregnantrightnowMary. Meredith is out. Big surprise.

Meredith is well behaved on the way out, telling Bob that she wants someone who wants to be with her and that she wants the same for him and that he has three great ladies in the house. In the limo, though, she blames herself. “I’m pissed,” she says. “I should be in that house. I know for a fact that what Bob is looking for is not in that house. He actually put her in the limo and let her drive away … and he doesn’t know that because I didn’t let him know that.” Actually, Meredith, I think your problem was a little different than that … and I don’t think it involved your grandmother’s death either. Let’s just say that it would have helped if you could have had a little time to explain to Bob about what happened to your real parents and who these imposters that he was going to meet were, if you know what I mean. And next time, before bringing a boyfriend home to meet them, be sure to get the blowtorch and thaw them out ahead of time.

Next time: the overnight dates, with the “surprise” offer of the conjugal suite. And the time after that, the women dish dirt about Bob. Then, the final time, we see Bob’s choice (if it isn’t Kelly Jo, I want an investigation, OK?).

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