LAST EDITED ON 12-10-05 AT 11:36 PM (EST)

Well it’s Saturday afternoon and after a crazy night/morning of partying, I’m still pretty damn hungover. So I feel it’s the perfect time to write this Episode 13 summary I’ve been assigned, and spellcheck will really be coming in handy. Episode 13… , is that right? I can’t remember. Oh yes. Pardon me, I’m a little slow right now. And which season is it again? Oh right, it’s the season that’s focusing a lot on Stephenie… better yet, entirely on Stephenie. Okay.

So let’s start this off by looking at the Final Five players still left in this game:

Let me just say that this “women’s alliance” we’re getting a glimpse of in these previews (Katie, Jenn, Caryn) is looking rather promising. It is so obvious that these women are gonna wisen up and band together, win the remaining immunity challenges, and vote Tom and Ian out right away. Throw some money on it, because it is DEFINITELY going to happen.

Tom Westman (cue to start playing the song “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters) is in big trouble. Those immunities he won earlier were a fluke – I mean, how hard is it to stand on a perch for 3 hours or hold your breath underwater? I don’t see him winning any other challenges. (Just kidding, Tom. You rule. Thanks for everything.)

But keep your eye on Ian, because he always articulates himself very well, and appears VERY emotionally stable. He’ll never cave in to anyone left in this game. If there’s one thing you can bet the ranch on, it’s that this guy will NEVER quit.

What? Why are you looking at me like that? Wrong season? Oh crap. I have to start over, don’t I? …

Previously on StephVivor:
• Danni paid $20 in U.S. money for beef jerky. Which is very fascinating, considering that the Mayan civilization was crushed long before the United States even existed, let alone printed out bills with Andrew Jackson’s picture emblazoned on them.
• Lydia saw her brother for the first time in 22 years and she didn’t care because he couldn’t do the Pancake correctly.
• We witnessed blatant copyright infringement by Danni when she purchased an Immunity Challenge clue, as she belted out Tom Westman’s trademark “It was money well spent” line. Mortal sin. Hey Danni, if you think Richard Hatch has it rough with legal fees, you wait til I send your classy asss to court.
• There were 2 Cindy’s.
• Judd purchased a night with his wife for $880, which is actually $878 more than I had to pay to spend a night with Judd’s wife.
• Rafe cried like a little girl for 15 minutes.
• Danni won Individual Immunity. Don’t you dare say “rigged”.
• Upon being blindsided at Tribal Council, man, Judd exited like a good sportsmanship, man, and called the remaining players, the jurors, his wife, Jeff Probst, the cameramen, Mark Burnett, and 21 million American viewers all a bunch of scumbags, man. Damn, that’s classy.
• In another Survivor first, Judd appeared in his own Febreze Family Moment that was shown after he was voted out.

Then the opening credits start as usual. That’s not a very flattering action shot of Stephenie. Judd looks like a pig in the mud. As these opening credits roll, I’m reminded of all the decoy winners that were produced this season via editing at some point. Gary: Gone. Brandon: Gone. Blake: Gone. Margaret: Gone. Damn you, Mark Burnett.

"Scumbags"

This episode begins on a pretty somber note. The five guinea pigs remaining in Mark Burnett’s social experiment are attempting to keep warm by the fire, because it is colder than a witch’s titty now that temperatures have dropped below 105 degrees. Stephenie comments that she didn’t appreciate Judd’s choice of words at the end of Tribal Council. She would have preferred being called “gay” or “retarded” over being called a “scumbag”. In a confessional, Danni says that she’s been praying for some crack, which surprises me because Danni has always seemed so straight-edge. Then Stephenie tries to cover her asss.

Steph: “Cindy, I wanted to tell you so bad about voting Judd out, but I was in an alliance with you earlier, and telling my allies the truth, … well, that’s just not my style.”

Cindy thought they were voting Lydia out. Damn Cindy, haven’t you been watching Survivor this season at all? Lydia NEVER gets voted out, but instead she’s always the runner-up. She’s the new Rudy Boesch, minus being a navy SEAL and actually having confessionals worth any value. Cindy is mumbling and Rafe tries to be diplomatic, in a pansy-ish sort of way. Cindy hopes she’s not following in Judd’s and Jamie’s footsteps. I don’t think that’s possible at this point. She’d have a lot of catching up to do, and she’s only got a maximum of 6 days to trash talk all of her tribemates, have a Tribal Council outburst, and puke all over the camp’s sleeping area.

Day 34

Finally the sun rises. The five remaining players are all gloating at how pathetic this Final Five looks on paper.

Rafe (confessional): “I’m sitting around camp with four girls and I’m still their biitch. Awesome.”

Stephenie asks the others what they won’t miss about Guatemala. Rafe says “Naked Judd”. Sure, Rafe, keep trying to play that card. Brian Corridan had the same strategy and look where it got him. Rafe tells us that with Judd gone, all the cool kids have been voted out. Yeah, I noticed. I’m falling asleep as they all try crossing their eyes. Fun.

Lydia cuts right to the chase and calls Rafe a girl. So there we have it – after 10 seasons of failure, the idea of the women’s alliance has finally succeeded. Ami, Deena, and Katie must be so proud. But this all-girl thing is already becoming painful to watch. Where’s Judd’s man tosterone when you need it? Now they’re all talking about boy bands and Dr. Phil. Yup, it’s official: We’re only 3 minutes into the episode and I’ve already gotten estrogen poisoning.

In tree-mail, all they get is a set of keys, because Mark Burnett fired all those lousy tree-mail writers who couldn’t think of any word that rhymed with “Quetzalcoatl.” Everyone’s pretty upbeat about the possibility of winning a car. Stephenie has never had her own car before, and neither has Rafe. Lydia explains how she “has this crazy feeling” that she might win this challenge today. HAAAAAHAAAA. The bottle of 151 that I’m holding, which has become my only therapy in getting through these next 50 minutes, drops from my mouth and I proceed to spray it all over my TV screen. I am laughing too hard at this. Nice joke, Lydia. Tell us another good one.

Reward Challenge

Uh oh. Here it is. It’s the dreaded “second chance” Reward Challenge, a combination of the three previous challenges that Stephenie performed best in. The first part is walking across the balance beam and untying sets of those crazy throwing clubs. The first 3 to finish move on to the second portion, where they will throw those tomahawk things at a tile to smash it. The top 2 finishers in that will go the last round, where they will assemble a jigsaw puzzle, chop a rope, and release their cart. First one to finish wins a 2006 Pontiac Torrent and a feast.

Round 1: Everybody falls off at least six times, and the lead changes every 5 seconds. Danni finishes 1st, Cindy 2nd, Stephenie 3rd. Rafe and Lydia disappear.

Round 2: The 3 gals start chucking the tomahawk thingies at the tiles. Danni nicks her tile but doesn’t break it. Cindy breaks hers first. Stephenie 2nd. Danni’s out.

Round 3: It’s a Cindy vs. Stephenie event. I think they should cancel the pre-planned final round task and let these two girls duke it out in jello wrestling. But despite being able to perform laser eye surgery, the Mayans apparently weren’t capable of making jello. Round 3 begins, and the girls start attacking the puzzle. I think Stephenie is about 0-for-23 in puzzle challenges, so I’m not expecting a miracle here. Cindy handily finishes her puzzle and chops the rope, which sends her go-kart down the hill. We are treated to a good 5 seconds of Cindy leaning over in her cart. In the words of Brandon (rest in peace), I think I just had a “premature evacuation.”

Jeff Probst informs Cindy that before she can choose a guest for the dinner-date, she has another important choice to make. The 5 players all gather ‘round and sit down Indian style and listen as Jeff Probst tells them all the legend of “The Car Curse”. I won’t insult anyone here by explaining what the Car Curse is, because we all know it by now. But I’ve always been rather amused at the terminology. Since when did “a new car + $100,000” become a curse? Wanna hear about real car curse? I’ll tell you my story of the hand-me-down family station wagon I was privileged enough to drive into my high school parking lot every day in my senior year. While everyone else in my class sported nicer cars than all the teachers, I was always looking sharp in my station wagon that wouldn’t even start sometimes, and that I could never get open once the temperature fell below 50 as the locks would freeze constantly. Now replace “sometimes” with “90% of the time” and “high school” with “ritzy Catholic high school”, and you’ll get an idea of what my car curse was like. Damn, GIVE ME A CAR.

So Cindy is given the option of keeping the Pontiac Torrent for herself or instead giving all of the other 4 players a car. She struggles with this decision. I would too. This is a huge Catch-22. I wouldn’t call this a twist; it seems more like a dirty trick. Cindy decides that she is there to beat the odds, so she is keeping the car. Stephenie in particular seems to understand completely.

So now who to choose to take on the Reward... Well, seeing that Stephenie’s contract this season stipulates that she will be brought as a guest to every Reward, this isn’t even a contest. Danni, Rafe, and Lydia are very quickly becoming the “shiit-out-of-luck” alliance. Stephenie and Cindy pile into the SUV, and Cindy reminds us there are no guarantees in the game. Okay Cindy, it’s fine. Don’t get all defensive with 21 million Americans here. Nobody has a right to complain when we’ll get to see nothing but the 2 best-looking girls from the past 2 seasons for the next 15 minutes. Hey, agree or disagree, they’re still both better-looking than the random chick I made out with last night.

Commercials.

The Reward

Cindy is understandably ecstatic in her confessionals, especially now that she has absolutely no chance in hell of winning the $1 million. As Cindy drives, we are treated to Stephenie’s off-key singing, but only because nobody explained to Cindy how to turn the radio on. Cindy tells Stephenie how awesome she thought it was to see 3 girls as the last 3 people in the challenge today. Um, Cindy, throw any combination of the 5 finalists together and you’d have that. Not a big deal.

We arrive at the archaeological site where the feast is waiting for the girls. We are introduced to Frederico, some sketchy local archaeologist, who is clearly excited to see them. Hey, I hope they get to dig up some stuff. I wouldn’t mind seeing Cindy crawling around in the sand again like she was during that giant puzzle-piece challenge. There’s meat, vegetables, and rum underneath some “ancient Mayan” pavilion that was erected 6 weeks ago. He has not made any eye-contact with these girls. Frederico tells the ladies he will be back in about 10 minutes because he needs to go rub one out in the woods.

Stephenie and Cindy waste no time grilling up the meat. Cindy says it’s more meat than they’ve seen in over 30 days. Speak for yourself, Cindy. Stephenie’s gotten every food reward possible. All I’ve seen her do this season is eat. I think it’d be in CBS’s best interest to just put an open buffet next to Stephenie’s camp when she gets invited back for Survivor 12 next season (which is a legitimate possibility). Giving her the endless food supply would spare us from wasting 10 minutes in every episode to listen her strings of “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God” every time the word “food” is mentioned.

Stephenie gives Cindy a thank you, and a cheers “To the Final Four.” The foreshadowing-o-meter and/or the irony detector is off the charts right now. Oh wait, that’s just my cell phone ringing. Stupid cell phones. (I just got one last year, but apparently now it’s every 7 year-olds’ inherent right to own one. I won’t get started.) Stephenie seems to agree with Cindy’s decision to keep the car for herself. But that could be because the monetary value of Stephenie’s food rewards this season exceeds the value of one Pontiac Torrent at least tenfold.

We see almost no strategy being discussed, but that’s all we can expect out of Cindy. Yup, it looks like we’ve filled our quota this season of having some player with a Brady Bunch character’s name make it very far into the game with seemingly almost no successful strategizing {see also Greg, Jan, Bobby(Jon), Gregggg}. Stupid Peter is the lone exception. At this point, I expect to see some clueless girl named Marsha coast all the way to the Final Four on Survivor 12.

Dude, Where's My Car?

Back at camp, the mood is not as celebratory. If this were last season, there’d be more activity going on at camp. The Tominator would be doing pushups, or Ian would be murdering poisonous snakes, or Greggo would be scoring with Jennifer, or Katie would be re-enacting the Reward Challenge with a 6-part sock puppet theatrical performance. But nope, none of that this season, not with this dull bunch. Rafe is practically crying over how much stress the car decision has put him through.

Rafe (confessional): “I just couldn’t believe that that was the decision Cindy made. Since I lack any testicular fortitude whatsoever, to me it wasn’t even a choice, I mean, you have to give the other 4 the cars. And let them walk all over you. And do everything they say. And cry anytime someone isn’t being nice.”

Danni seems to agree with Rafe too. However, Lydia feels Cindy should have kept the car. By the way, what the hell is Lydia wearing?

Back to Cindy and Steph

Back at the archaeological site, Cindy and Stephenie are gorging themselves with 87 oz. steaks. Frederico pops out from behind a tree and sits down with the girls to tell them stories. About corn and maize. Cindy’s been gnawing on corn on the cob for about an hour. I’m starting to fall asleep again. At this rate, I’m probably gonna have to stock up on some Red Bull or Starbuck’s coffee for Sunday night’s finale. Again, Cindy seizes the opportunity to gloat to us that she has a new car. Alright, now even I’m starting to get angry.

Once Frederico leaves, the two girls are off to some mosquito-free abode to have a slumber party. After playing 3 rounds of Girl Talk and swapping notes on which guys they have a crush on, Stephenie and Cindy come to the conclusion that Danni is probably their biggest threat. Cindy makes this certain in a confessional, but Stephenie doesn’t sound so convincing. In fact, I’m not sure if I can believe anything Stephenie says to anyone left in the game anymore. Between Palau and Guatemala, Stephenie has flip-flopped on her strategy more than John Kerry.

Day 35

As soon as Stephenie and Cindy return to camp, someone poses a question along the lines of “How was your car?” And this opens up a major can of worms.

Cindy (to the others): “I can’t believe the car handles that way. The suspension and stuff, we couldn’t even feel the rocks. This is like a luxury vehicle.”

Rafe and Danni are grinding corn.

Cindy: “I just never expected I’d own a brand-new vehicle in my entire life. And every time I take people out in it, I can say You like my car? And when I wake up drunk some morning, I can look outside and realize my car’s missing and be like Dude, where’s my car? I love the tires too. And the taillights are so amazing.”

Again, Rafe the Communist feels the need to whine about Cindy in his confessional. Dude, you didn’t win the challenge. Therefore, you don’t get a car. Go take some Midol and get over it. But Rafe might be correct on the level that Cindy really doesn’t seem to be shutting up about this car. She’s beginning to exhibit even less social intelligence than Wanda Shirk. And that is quite a feat.

Cindy: “And oh my gosh, the backseat is sooo roomy. Guys, it has power windows and OnStar! And the car has XM radio and a 6-disc CD shuffler.”

Is Cindy a contestant entered by Pontiac? I bet there is no Cindy Hall, or twin named Mindy. This is all a big marketing ploy. I see right through it. Cindy is STILL missing the point, though.

Rafe and Stephenie waste 2 more minutes of my life talking about Cindy’s car decision. But then Stephenie hits the nail right on the head, and I want to preserve it:

Stephenie (confessional): “I could not believe Rafe said Well I would’ve given the other four the car. No way. Seriously, sometimes I feel like Rafe does try to play the martyr a little bit.”

Well said, Stephenie – give her 10 points for that. Rafe questions whether or not he should be playing this game harder than he is. On a side note, does anyone else think Rafe is starting to look like a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and a stalk of broccoli? I’d love to play poker with Rafe, because he would let me win every damn time. Then I’d have enough money to buy my own Pontiac Torrent. Then I’d finally have a car. And then he’d be happy that I got a car, and he would finally shut up. That would kill about 7 birds with one stone.

Immunity Challenge

The five remaining players file in.

Jeff Probst: “Hi everyone. I’m a massive tool. Cindy, how did the reward go?”
Cindy: “We ate like 43 lbs. of food, and in the corner of my eye, I could still see that car of mine. It was so nice, I mean, it’s got the coolest horn and oh my gosh, it has this really snazzy cupholder between the front seats.” (dirty looks from Rafe, Danni, and Lydia)

Then Jeff starts explaining the challenge. And right away I learn this is definitely the 22nd straight challenge that mainly involves rope. Why all the rope this season? Budget cuts at CBS? Or was rope the tool of the Mayan Empire? I thought Brian was the tool of the Mayan Empire. But really, if the Mayans really put such a premium on rope, maybe that explains why they got conquered so easily by the Spanish. Which do you think would win in a battle of (rope + corn + no immune system) vs. (guns + horses + typhoid + STD’s + religious motive + superiority complex)? You tell me.

At any rate, the playing field is small, but the concept for this challenge is all over the place. It involves each person unwinding themselves and their rope around a series of poles. In addition, their feet and hands are shackled together. They have to use a set of keys to unlock a bunch of locks at each pole or something. Once they are free from the series of poles, they have to run toward some tribal flag at the end of the course, provided their length of free rope is long enough.

Ready.... GO

The first part of the challenge itself is anti-climactic, because it’s virtually anyone’s game, seeing as there are about 10 possible keys for each lock. It’s all a crapshoot. Stephenie, Cindy, and Rafe appear to be out in front of the pack, if only slightly.

Soon Stephenie has built a noticeable lead, and can now run free to release her flag. She runs and runs, but then OOPS, her rope isn’t long enough. And then she unties one of her knots, tries running again, but then OOPS, her rope STILL isn’t long enough. Stephenie’s gonna have to run back to the start and unwind more rope. Maybe someone else can win this, maybe Cindy or Danni or Rafe or Lydia. Well, not Lydia.

But it’s already too late. Stephenie accomplishes the seemingly impossible. She pulls the flag down, and the editors race to start playing the special “Stephenie Finally Wins Something” bonus track that they’ve been waiting 36 days to use. Immediately, the french horns and 188-piece orchestra Mark Burnett has assembled for Stephenie start chiming in. It’s completely overdramatic. Stephenie starts crying and smiling and exclaims “Oh my God! Finally, I won something on my own! This is so gay and retarded!” Jeff asks “Is this your first individual win?” Stephenie chokes on her tears and can’t even get a “yes” out of her mouth. Wow, between her and Rafe, Kleenex should really consider becoming a sponsor of Survivor. As the music plays, 12 million soccer moms across the United States start bawling. Oh Stephenie, please keep it up – the Emmy is almost yours!

This is one for the record books – on Day 66, Stephenie won her first Individual Immunity. I owe it to her to memorialize this occasion:

Jeff informs the other 4 players that they are a bunch of pathetic losers and that one of them will be going home tonight.

Commercials.

Who Goes Home?

On the walk back to camp, the 4 doormats are all kissing Queen Stephenie’s butt because they know that she’s pretty much in control of sending one of their sorry assses over to Loser Lodge. Stephenie tells the camera how happy she is to have won immunity and guaranteed herself a spot in the Final Four. Woah. Let me be the 500th person to comment that Stephenie’s edit has skyrocketed in this episode. Is America’s sweetheart coming back to form? Or is this a dirty trick to distract us from America’s sweetheart in training, Danni Boatwright? We shall see.

We then see Rafe and Danni doing some strategic planning. Danni promises to take Rafe to the Final 2, and Rafe offers a similar deal. But we know how this goes – strategies revealed to the audience NEVER work exactly as planned, if at all. This has me thinking the Final 2 could end up being Rafe and Lydia. Oh crap, I think I just threw up in my mouth at the sheer thought of that actually happening.

In a confessional, Rafe admits that he thinks it’s best to try getting Cindy out, and he feels he needs to convince Stephenie. They are walking in the forest, and Stephenie points out that if she votes out Cindy, she’ll really have brought a new meaning to the word “alliance” on Survivor, and it will now mean “Just kidding!”. Ooooh, Stephenie IS aware that there is a jury. I wouldn’t have known. But what a nice way to thank someone for taking you on a reward with them, by immediately voting them out EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE STILL IN YOUR ALLIANCE (Judd). And then doing it again to someone else (Cindy).

Cindy and Stephenie do some talking as well. Cindy, would you please stop looking stoned all the time? You’re not at a Phish or Dave Matthews Band concert. Ten bucks says Cindy would fail a drug test right now. In their little chat, Stephenie points the finger at Rafe, and tells Cindy that he’s a big threat. Oooooh that’s a good fakeout. I’d like to believe that Rafe gets sent home tonight, but the truth has already been too painfully obvious. Remember that Palau episode last season where Gregg won reward and his confessional count went up from 1 per episode to a whopping 26 confessionals? Yup, thought so. Do you remember what happened at the end of that episode? Looks like Cindy here could be suffering from Gregg Carey Syndrome.

Question of the day: Where has Lydia been for the past 30 minutes?

Tribal Council

Tribal Council arrives. The five walk in, and then Jeff welcomes the jury in to take their seats: BoobyJon clad in a neon pink shirt, Jamie rolling his eyes, Gary “Hawkins”, and Judd the non-scumbag. They’ve all brought their pillows and blankets from Loser Lodge to this yawnfest that’s about to go down.

Jeff gets right to the probing.
Jeff: “Rafe what was the mood like at camp this afternoon?”
Rafe: “Everyone’s feeling threatened, except for Steph who has immunity.”

Damn, don’t you love Rafe’s insightful sentences? Why is everyone claiming this guy is so brilliant? My cousin’s 3 year-old kid could bust that sentence out in a heartbeat.

Jeff: “Danni, what is the temperature back at camp?”
Danni: “104 degrees.”
Jeff: “Cindy, you won the car challenge, and despite the car curse, you stupidly kept the car to yourself instead of giving the others each a car. I hope you brought all of your stuff from camp with you to Tribal Council.”
Cindy: “Well, I thought the curse thing was silly. Because I think I can still win despite having that car. And you know what’s really sweet about the Pontiac Torrent? It’s got these sick windshield wipers, and I can put it in 4-wheel drive, and holy crap, I woke up half of the jungle the other night when I turned those brights on. Plus I think the curse is being a strong competitor, not winning a car.”
Jeff: “Who here do you think is a strong competitor? Who else should have a target on their back? You know you’re getting booted tonight, so go ahead and pull a Caryn right now and tell us everything.”
Cindy: “Rafe. He’s good at everything. And people like him because they can take advantage of him.”
Jeff: “Hey Stephenie, you have earned the Individual Immunity. Would you like to give it up?”
Stephenie: “Hell no.”

I bet the following portion of the Tribal Council proceedings probably ended up on the editing room floor:
Rafe: (crying) “Um, Jeff, I really disagree with Stephenie’s decision. If I were her, I would have given the immunity to the other 4 people and not given it to myself. Because then they definitely wouldn’t vote me out if I was that nice.”

Jeff: “Alright, you guys can’t vote for Stephenie. Go vote Cindy out. Cindy you’re up first.”

Judd watches as Cindy struts by and heads up the temple to vote. Cindy votes for RAFE and says something about Rafe being competitive and likeable. Um, I don’t like Rafe. Stephenie votes. Lydia votes, and says something about how terrific someone is. We aren’t shown her vote. Then Danni votes. Then Rafe votes for CINDY and says: “I always knew you’d fall whatever the way the wind was blowing, and right now I’m the one that’s blowing. So I have to vote you out.” Voting over.

Jeff reads the votes:
RAFE
CINDY
CINDY + drawing of some animal (hell if I know what it is, I’m horrible at art)

14th person voted out of Survivor: Guatemala….
CINDY

Then comes Cindy’s classic FU moment:
Cindy: “I’ll think about you guys when I’m looking up at the stars through the sunroof of my new car.”

Judd pumps his fist. Cindy grabs her torch.

Jeff: “Cindy, the tribe has spoken.”
Cindy: “BLINDSIDED….. NICE!!! … oh shiit, I left the keys to my Pontiac Torrent back at camp. Can I go back and get them quickly?”
Jeff: “No.”

Cindy walks away. And here comes the classic Final Four line:

Jeff: “Final Four, 3 Tribal Councils, 2 Immunity Challenges, 1 Sole Survivor, blah blah blah blah.”

Just a side note. Only 1 day after the cast was announced back in August, I handpicked Danni, Brandon, Margaret, and Blake as the Final Four of this season, based on nothing but gut feeling. And here we are, there were 18 players and Danni did make Final 4. I beat the odds, even if only slightly.

Also, I need to figure out how the hell I’m gonna find a way to isolate myself in my house for 3 hours tomorrow evening while there’s a party going on (irregular schedule due to Finals Week). Maybe I’ll have some “nap” to take. I’m working on an alibi.

Next time on Survivor:
• Someone will quit 11 hours into the Final 3 Immunity Challenge to earn back Stephenie’s respect.
• Brian will unexpectedly propose to Rafe at the Live Finale before the votes are read.
• Some person much less deserving than my bro Tom Westman will be crowned the new Sole Survivor.

Who will outlast all the others? Who will end up in disposable razor TV commercials for the next two years? Who will whore themselves out to all those of “Meet Every Single Reality TV Personality” events held every year? Who will forget to pay their taxes in April? Who will become the Sole StephVivor?