LAST EDITED ON 04-05-02 AT 07:39 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 04-05-02 AT 06:07 PM (EST)

Official TAR Ep. 5 Summary: Babes in Thailand

Last week on The Amazing Race. . .

The remaining teams left the winery, tanked up for the trip. Wil accused Blaige of being cheaters and speeders, and warned them that they would be going down. Blaige cut off Mary and Peach, and the Boston Brothers barely made it. Doublemint were the last to arrive, and were thus, eliminated.

Who will it be this week?

On the television flash the following images: a leopard, a bushman, and an ostrich, Philly leads us in a rousing version of Sesame Street's own "Which of these things is doin' it's own thing?"
The three images flash over and over again,

Which of these things is doin' it's own thing?
Which of these things is kind of the same?
Which of these things is doin its own thing?
Now it's time to play our game.
It's time to pla-ay our game.

Phil tells us after everyone singles out the Bushman that the teams have been at a game reserve, their latest pit-stop, where tensions have continued to build between Tara & Wil and Team Blaige.

“I’m about to go over there and tell them that game on,” Tara threatens. (Massacre of the English language belongs solely to the speaker.)

Tara, with her best “I’m the big sister” impression, walks over to Blake, who is bouncing a big red rubber ball, “So Blake, I hear you want Wil and I off. I’ll make Wil beat you up if you say that again.”

Blake, kicking ball into a wall, lower lip protruding, whimpers, “ I just don’t like you guys!”

Wil runs up to Blake with his ugly bully cap on, “You cut the grannies off and made them cry. You cut off the Produce Twins and made them cry. You cut off, umm, oh yeah, I guess we cut you off. So what, chickenbutt, you play like a fool! Ha! (Kick’s Blake’s bouncy ball out of the playground) You just play your game and we’ll see who wins, cuz we’re gonna win, so neener, neener poopoo head.”

Tara, realizing she’s a grown woman, remembers that negative Chi will not get them anywhere, and blames Blaige for its presence, “Blake and Page have done everything in their power to disrupt the flow of positive energy in this race. Their karma will get them, and if it doesn’t, I’m telling my mom!”

Dave (or is he Gary?) gets in on the action, and starts chanting, “ FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”

And all the schoolyard children gather ‘round to witness a good ass-beatin’ but Philly Phil Keoghan breaks it up before it gets good.

Host: These people have no idea what’s going to happen, but in case you’ve never watched the show, or you’ve got absolutely no short term memory, we’re going to tell you how this whole thing works all over again. First, the teams leave the pit-stop. Then they ride in a car, then they get plane tickets and fight with airport employees, then they get on a plane and fly, then they get onto a bus and fight with the bus driver, then they get a cab and they fight with the cab driver and then they get on a bicycle and then a cab and then a boat and then a plane, and somewhere along the way, they’ll find little flags with clues that will tell them to take a bus and a train and a few more cabs and bicycles and lawnmowers until they find the next clue—and this cycle continues until all but one team has been eliminated or they are eaten by wolverines when their bus/train/car/motorcycle/mule/bicycle/plane/camel/roller-skates breaks down.

Team Fabulous leaves first, foot apparently healed, and they learn they’re going to Bangkok, Thailand. Fabulous!

Tara and Will leave second, proclaiming Bangkok their “second home.” Apparently they used to travel there on “business” three times a year for their “furniture store.” Right, because all furniture salesmen wear stupid hats like that. We know you’re there for the famous Bangkok herbs.

Ren & Stimpy leave next. They drove the speed limit, so they’re each given a 42-minute penalty. 42-minutes—I’m sure that’s a perfectly logical allotment of time in some alien producer’s head, but come on, why not round it off to 40 or 45?

They are thrilled to go to Bangkok because apparently Ren has been to Thai, Chinese, and even Sushi restaurants. He knows the culture! (Ahem, a little lesson in geography, Ren: Chinese food comes from China, Sushi from Japan—neither of these are in Thailand.)

Next come Blaige and Peach & Pear, Paige wearing a Texas flag sports bra. Blaige tries to make up for making the Produce Sisters cry, so they let them read their clue first. Pear or Peach reads the clue aloud and Blaige listens intently while ripping open their own clue to make sure the evil Produce wasn’t trying to trick them.

Mary, while in the cab, expresses her appreciation for Blaige’s ability to make nicey-nice, “It was nice of Blaige to let us read first. I’m glad we read the clue out loud so they could hear it. Welcome to the world of being grown up humans, just like me and my sister.”

On the way to the airport, Blake hatches the big plan, “I have a plan. When we get to the airport, we’ll give away our wooden animals, and we’ll get a better flight.” Paige smiles and nods and a hollow rattling sound emits from her head.

Interesting logic Bla Boy.

The God Squad is next. Brother Russell lets us know he’s not only fired up, but also charged up and they're ready to go to Bangkok. Sister Cindi explains her strategy, that not only did the Lord Jesus Christ help her out, but so did her husband. Okay then.

Moving right along, Chris and Alex leave next. They fill us in on the current dynamics of the race. “The three teams in front are friends. The three teams in back are friends. We’re at the very back. We have no friends. We want friends. Will the teams in the front be our friends?”

At the airport, Team Fabulous gets a flight and they smother the unsuspecting airport worker in kisses. Cindi, confusing the airport with a brothel, exclaims, “Just do us all the same!” All the teams get on the same flight except for Chris and Alex who thought somebody would hold the plane for them.

When they reach the airport in Johannesburg, South Africa, the teams again shamelessly beg at the airport counter for the best seats on the flight. Laurel and Hardy want to sit on the pilot’s lap.

While waiting for their tickets, Blaige begin speaking their secret code sibling language and the producers give us subtitles.

Bla: wieu;lowerlkjaotljeluagjkieutajlejt

Subtitles: We’re selling your hair in Thailand, and that’s all there is to it. They’re a nation of balding blasphemers and we’re going to help them out, and don’t argue with me or I’ll tell mom you wouldn’t share your lovely golden locks with the poor bald people.

Paige shoots Bla her “Do it and you’ll die” look and Bla changes the subject: “I’m gonna go talk to Wil and Tara. Mean Wil took my ball, and I don’t like him.

Blaige walks over to Tara and Wil’s side of the playground, err...airport.

Blake: You were mean to me when I was trying to play. I just wanna play and have fun. Now I’m not having fun. I’m telling Phil Keoghen on you! You’re talking about us behind our backs and that’s not nice!

Wil: I’ll say it to your face.

Meanie Tara: He hasn’t said one bad thing about you.

Blake: I’m just not having fun anymore. I want my ball back. Give me my bouncy ball!

Wil: If you’re not having fun, it’s not my fault. Hey, let’s have a party! But Blaige, you’re not invited!

Meanie Tara: He still didn’t say anything bad. You’re a liar and you can’t come to our party!

Blaige walks away in a huff and everyone gets on the same flight to Bangkok where they are to take a bus to a train to see some dancers. Since Fred and Barney got to sit on the pilot’s lap, they get off the plane first and get on a bus. Fred thinks he’s still in one of those caveman-powered buses, and if he stands up and runs, the bus will go faster. Barney thinks he’s an idiot.

As Tara and Wil try to figure out where they are and where they’re going in their “second home” Wil reveals that all he wants to do is kick the shit out of people, or was that beat people? Well, whatever it was, there was violence spewing from that gnome-hatted man. Tara reminds him they have to wait for Chris and Alex.

Will screams, “Tara, you’re stupid. I don’t wanna play anymore.”
He then throws Blaige’s bouncy ball at a bunch of monks who were minding their own business in the "MONKS ONLY" section of the airport.

Tara whines, “Willlllllllllllllll!!!! You don’t know where to go, but I want to know where to go, but you don’t know where you’re going and I want to go! And know!”

Wil finally decides to wait for Chris and Alex and the four of them get to ride on the short bus.

Flash to Pear and Peach who at this point have a permanent look of distaste on their pretty girlie faces, and peach enlightens us all, “When we were coming out of the airport, I said, 'We’re in Thailand!' It scares me. It definitely scares me how smart I can be.”

Team Fabulous looks for a bus to take to the sky train, and find the bus to be fabulous even if it isn’t a Rolls Royce. On the bus, Team Fabulous meets Fern, a compassionate truant, who is willing to cut school for the day to help them out.

Itchy and Scratchy get off the bus to find four, yes four, fluorescent green pear-shaped creatures with antennae who seem to mock them. Itchy and Scratchy say the alien pears are psycho. It seems that these boys have finally met some beings as strange as they are.

The teams begin to find the dancers and discover they have reached, yes, get ready—A DETOUR!

Once again for those of you who were either too inebriated when you last saw the show, or were smart enough to avoid this sorry excuse for entertainment before they started running reruns of West Wing, we are told once again what a detour is—a point in the race where teams must decide between two tasks. At this detour, teams get to decide between “Confusion Now” and “Confusion Later.” “Confusion Now” says teams must find a specific water taxi to a bird market where they will release cage-fulls of sparrows for good karma. “Confusion Later” sends racers to Chinatown where they will buy a car—that’s right, a car, well, a paper car—and send it to their ancestors by burning it at a specific shrine.

Blaige and Tara & Wil arrive at the dancers at nearly the same time, agreeing they’ll take “Aggression Now” while they exchange evil glares. Paige decides it’s time for empty threats, “I don’t like Wil giving Blake the evil eye. See my stupid ugly shirt? It says ‘Kappa’ and it’s camouflage. That means I’m tough and I’m gonna kick Wil’s sorry butt for stealing our ball!”

The other teams arrive and collect their clues and decide which level of confusion they can best handle.

Dumb and Dumber decide on Chinatown because Dumb’s folks have taken him to Chinese restaurants, so he knows the culture and he’ll therefore know his way around.

Tara uses her knowledge of her “second home” to decide that Chinatown is just “too crazy,” so she and Wil decide to try to cancel out some of their bad karma that stealing the bouncy ball brought on them and go for the release of the sparrows. Chris and Alex tag along.
Blaige decide to avoid the playground bullies for this leg of the race and visit Chinatown.

The God Squad, also choosing to improve on their Karma goes for “Confusion Now,” as do Pear and Peach, while Team Fabulous and Fern make their way to Chinatown.

While Wil, Tara, Chris, and Alex find their taxi and birds rather easily, the Hardy Boys arrive in Chinatown ready to buy a car and are given a mini Beemer for their efforts. They promptly take it to a shrine and burn it while asking forgiveness for giving their ancestors a BMW. When they realize they’ve actually burned their car in a back-alley garbage incinerator, they go back for a Ford.

Blaige also burns their first car at the garbage incinerator and are forced to go buy another car. Once they do, they are told they must pray before shipping the car airmail to their Great Grandfather Blaige. “The guy said we have to pray,” Blake informs Paige in secret sibling code. He proceeds with the prayer, “Dear God, I pray for all these people. They’re so lost and so confused, unlike us. They worship idols and burn cars and they don’t even speak any English. We do not worship idols. These people are crazy. This is the twilight zone. Please save us.”

After placing the second car into the furnace, Blaige realize they’ve prayed to the wrong god at the wrong shrine and opt to pull the burning “sacrifice” from the furnace. They eventually buy another car and burn it in the right shrine while Buddha laughs at their ineptitude, but not before Daffy and Donald and Team Fabulous find the correct shrine and burn their cars.

Meanwhile, back at the bird market, Tara, Will, Chris, and Alex decide the best way to get birds to leave their cage is to scare them and threaten to rip their heads off. Yeah, that’s a great way to build good karma, guys.

Pear and Peach, after wandering around the streets of Bangkok for some time, find the bird market and release their birds. But the God Squad are still lost. Brother Russell informs us that they are from Smalltown, USA, and Bangkok is scary. They decide the best thing to do would be to go to McDonald’s. It seems they've chosen the "Confused Now and Later" option, and it's not working out so well for them. Many minutes later, they are still lost and Sister Cindi realizes her usual direct cell phone signals to Christ might not be getting through in heathen Thailand. Once they finally get a water taxi, they somehow think that a bird market will be at the top of a tower, and promptly climb up it. When they see nothing but smiling monks, they retreat down, baffled. Finally, they find the birds, and gently release them for some good karma.

Everyone eventually makes it through the confusion and they all learn they are going to Wat Khao Chong Phran Temple at Ratchaburi. Some take cabs, some take buses, and some take tuk-tuks, which are a little like rickshaws, and apparently a little like lawnmowers with canopies, but boy do they zip around in traffic.

Tara and Wil discover that their cabbie speaks limited English. The only word he says in response to their questions is, “Yeah,” but they keep asking him questions anyway.

Peach and Pear are not fairing quite as well. Girly-girl Peach is disgusted with Thailand, admitting she’s going through some culture shock, and proclaiming the crowds and the odors are “just horrid!”

Team Fabulous once again praise their truant ambassador, Fern, while in the cab.

Finally, most everyone ends up on a tuk-tuk, and once again the image of the obnoxious American is fossilized by Chris & Alex and the Daffy & Donald’s tuk-tuk wars. Chris and Alex’s tuk-tuk breaks down and requires some water, but Daffy and Donald can’t find the route marker, so Chris and Alex catch up, find the clue, and sound genuinely surprised to have reached A ROADBLOCK! <gasp!>

Again we stupid, imbecile viewers are reminded what a Roadblock is—a task that only one member of the team may perform. In this case, the chosen one must retrieve a clue from inside a cave filled with millions of bats, cockroaches, and other unpleasantries.

Chris goes in, manly man that he is, retrieves the clue with little effort and emerges from the cave unscathed revealing, “The bat cave was totally rank. It was diaper city.” Okayyy. They learn that they will now head to the Pit Stop at Ban Plai Pong Pang by longboat.

Meanwhile, Peach and Pear are on a bus, and Pear informs us viewers with delight that Peach is using the public facilities. Peach, stumbles back from the restroom, a little green around the gills, and moaning, “I’m really nauseous, and I’m not joking. That’s just disgusting.” She continues to moan while Pear insists the restroom was clean—perhaps there weren’t enough disinfectants for Peach to douse herself in, or maybe, just maybe, she’s a sissy little girlie-girl.

They arrive at the temple where Batman and Robin have finally found the clue, and where Blaige soon arrives as well. Prissy Peach decides she will be the one to enter the bat cave, and she gives us a running report as she traverses the horror that is Thailand, “It was dark when I went in—it smelled horrific. Look at the bugs! OMG! It burns your throat. I must be insane!” Moan, moan, gasp, moan. She finds the clue then tries to find her way back, but Blake and Batman come out of the cave without her. Suddenly, the camera cuts to Pear, then to the blackened door of the cave, and sinister music begins to drift through the air. Pear exclaims, “Peach!” And then we cut to commercial.

While watching the latest ads for Universal Studios and Crest Whitening Strips, I am shuddering with fear, wondering if Peach will ever emerge from the cave, or if the bats and cockroaches and nasty stench of the place will eat her alive. But then the commercials end, and she emerges, “OMG I think I’m gonna throw up.” Thank the gods! The girlie-girl extraordinaire has survived!

Team Fabulous makes it next and Oswald reassures Danny, “I’m gonna do it honey. Don’t worry. Besides, here’s my chance to be really butch!” I just love these guys.

Wil and Tara arrive and Wil tries to sucker his ex into going into the bat cave. “They might take my hat, Tara!”

“Who gives a flying bat turd if they take that stupid thing or not. You’ve made me do all the damn work in this race, and it’s time for you to be a man! Now go!”

Wil cowers into the cave and promises the bats and roaches that if he makes it out alive and they don’t eat him and he and the ex make it without being eliminated, he’ll be humble from now on—and he might even let Blaige play with his toys. He makes it out, hat and all, and they continue to their longboat.

Finally, the God Squad arrive about three months later in the middle of the night, and Brother Russell determines that Sister Cindi must be baptized by rat feces in order to prove herself worthy enough to win his love, and even though she says, “It’s the pits,” she valiantly braves bat and bug to save the honor of her marriage. “No more roadblocks for me!” She shouts, and sure enough, her prayers will finally be answered.

The teams all arrive at the Pit Stop, some later than others, where Phil Keoghan provides each of them with the requisite amount of suspense before revealing their placements for this leg, and eventually, the God Squad is eliminated from the race for being a record four years late. In case you care, the teams arrived in this order:

Chris & Alex
Pear & Peach
Tara & Wil
Blaige
Batman and Robin
Team Fabulous
The God Squad

Next time, on The Amazing Race . . .

Teams will fight for airport tickets, wait overnight to get into tourist attractions, ride in cabs, ride in buses, ride in trains and planes. And Blaige, Wil and Tara will finally go to the mats to find out who really rules after all.

We love men. We just don't want to see them naked.~ Two Nice Girls