The First Hour: All I Wanna Do is Get Homeskillet with You!
Previously, Josh was evicted, Amy returned and the Big Babies fought for supremacy in a big tub of Chiara's body fluids with Amy emerging as the victor. We get to revisit Rod's unhappiness over seeing his Jew-Pal get his Jew-Ass kicked out of the house. We get to see Marcellas' joy at having Amy back. We get to see Chiara's ugly mug as the possibility of joining the jury without a pit stop in Mexico looms on the horizon.
First things first. 10 minutes are spent dealing with Lisa's unhappiness at (1) not seeing Eric (2) not voting for Eric's return and (3) feeling guilty for being selfish & greedy. She bawled, sniffled, cried, wept & then explained the reasoning, so that Eric would totally understand why he couldn't be let back in the house. Lisa no longer trusts Roddy & Chiara. and he needs to understaand that the Couples Alliance is no more. Hopefully, Lisa's woeful expression and rational explanation will have Eric at the door to hug her and hold her when this is all over. I'm sure that a big fat cheque tucked safely in her saddle bags will also help.
Chiara is in the Diary Room, saying that she and Amy haven't always got along. Spliced in is Chiara saying, "That F*cking #####!" Once again, the editing for these li'l moments rocks.
In case someone missed that Amy had returned, people note the smell of cheese seeping somehow from within the HOH. Soundproof, but not cheeseproof, obviously. Amy reads aloud her letter from home. Her dad writes "Being locked up with 12 strangers... would drive anyone to drink." Apparently he thinks either that there are 13 people in the house, or he considers Amy to be a stranger too. Maybe he recently came back into her life, after 23 years of 'finding himself?' Maybe he was just nervous knowing the letter might be read aloud on tv.
Amy has barely had time to put her suitcases down in "hers & Marcellas' " room, when Chiara comes in, sits down and begins talking at warp speed. "It's all about honesty and we're sick of the lies, the manipulation, the backstabbing." Yeah, honey, that's why we need to get rid of YOU. Chiara also takes a moment to remind Amy that she got a party when she was unanimously evicted. Graciousness under pressure, that's Chiara.
Marcellas seemed less than pleased about some of Amy's things. Satin sheets? He doesn't think he can handle them. Confederate flag? Cut that out! Oh well, My Ameeee is Baaaack. Time to sing and dance and laugh it up.
Dani wonders, do Marcellas and Roddy have a deal? Cue Jaws-type music as Dani approaches the two men having a private moment in Roddy's office, the hammock. Dani is unable to learn anything from that encounter and slinks back to her own office, the Bathroom. Later, Marci informs the viewership that he just
believes Roddy and likes him. It's just not in Marci's plans to go after Roddy just yet. Uh uh right. Marci's trust has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he has wet dreams about Roddy,
wants to play doctor with him or hopes to one day have the dream penthouse apartment together with a hot tub built for two. Nuh uh.
Well time for the Food Competition, in which the House Babies are given food in exchange for looking stupid on tv. The guys are given teeny weeny polka dot speedoes to put on, and the girls get another new ugly swimming costume. Finally Marcellas gets one of his prayers answered - seeing a good deal more of Jason's young nubile body.
Roddy has a tasteless comment - "let's get mustard for those hot dogs." oooh Marcey he's KINKyy.
When Dani sees Jason in his incredibly small bikini bottom she comes up with her word for the week 'Blasphemous'.
When Marcey sees Gerry doing the gorilla in his speedo, he makes his "chicken livers" face. Poor Marcey - he really hates owing Gerry.
To win food for a specified day, each Baby has to go into a tiny plexiglass cubicle and try to grab as many wind-machine-swept food & money vouchers as possible. 10 food vouchers sees the group eating on that day. Amy is allowed to play if one of the days needs to be filled in cuz some loser (read Chiara and Roddy) fails to meet the 10 food voucher quota and the group is stuck with PB&J for that day. Amy does indeed elect to take a turn in order to make up for Monday Roddy's appointed day. Since Chiara was trying to get them food for the day of the competition itself (a day already half over,) Amy figured it wasn't as important to make it up. What she doesn't say is that she wants Chiara to feel as bad as possible for any & every reason as possible. They do manage to make it through that half-day of PB&J, since they're still alive in the house, per Live Feeds.
Amy, speaking on behalf of the self-appointed winner Danielle, announces that the group has decided that the lion's share of the money vouchers will be given to Gerry to buy a 28th wedding anniversary for his wife. $220 is raised. Gerry tells the DR that he's decided on an orange tree, so he can think of how sweet it was being in the BB3 house every time he eats one. It'll take years to bear fruit which I think will taste sour.
Amy's first task in the HoH is to sit Gerry down for a deal-making session. I'm beginning to think this has been scripted into BB3. Everyone has had Gerry in to the HOH to make the first deal. They even recapped it in one of those Previously Segments. Amy's deal is that in exchange for not nominating him, she wants his word that he will vote for a certain person. She's a cheap date. She's out of the HoH and he doesn't owe her anything further. She doesn't owe him either, so I guess fair's fair.
This conversation leads the episode into another Gerry Retrospective, in which we learn the views of a number of the Babies about him. He's a weasel, says Marci. He's evil, says Dani. He is smarter than the others think, says Roddy. Lisa reckons he's gonna have the last laugh, and he's shown having A laugh, at any rate. I won't even try to figure out what soppy goo Jason has planned to say in his goodbye message for Gerry, as Jason works on his win of all the votes at F2.
Well, as far as I'm concerned if Gerry & Dani have a secret alliance, it's a secret from everybody, including Dani and Gerry. There goes THAT theory. Or else only Gerry knows about the alliance, at this stage. Dani hasn't yet been informed that she is Gerry's pick for F2, precisely because she's overstepped her play.
Next we have a prelude to the Big Excitement, as Chiara, Dani, Roddy and Lisa are sitting around the dining room table conveniently talking about how they need music. To get the feet moving. The blood pumping. Relieve the boredom. Whatever. Roddy says he needs to dance, Somebody says, "Oh yeah, goofy dancing." Says Roddy, "It's not a goofy dance. It's that you just want to distance yourself from so much eroticism." Dani agrees sarcastically, " Oh yeah he's hot. I'm so turned on. ." I just know she's doing the ol' eyes rolling back in her head. Blasphemous, I say.
Now it's time for the Luxury Competition. This involves the group getting dressed up in their very bestest clothes, for a special occasion, and THEN they're told they have to run around the house and get all sweaty because as per usual, they only have 5 minutes to collect a batch of cd cases which then have to be arranged so that words can be read out. Gerry has had a lot of practice hiding eggs for Easter egg hunts and he finds 6 easily without wreaking havoc in the process. Everyone else sees it as an opportunity to make a huge stinker of a mess. We never do see them cleaning up. Eventually Lisa has the puzzle worked out, Chiara screeches "Sheryl Crow. Live In The Backyard" and out they run to see that yes indeedy, there is Sheryl.
WTF? What about nominations? Power of Veto? I guess it's only when trying to put together a 2 hour episode that the producers have difficulty getting the sequencing straight. In this ep it's as if the events were tossed into a bowl and mixed about like a Caesar Salad.
Anyway, the Babies run out to the backyard, where a full stage with lights and plugs, amps & microphones and a real live band - yep it's Sheryl Crow and a bunch of studio technicians, ready to lipsynch to three of Sheryl's "biggest" hits. The hits are/were pretty big, but they sound kind of dumb with an audience of only 8 people. How come no-one thought to bring out the lizards for the shindig, I wonder later?
Immediately Dani starts dancing like there's no tomorrow. Jason taps a toe and Gerry nods his head. Amy & Roddy quickly locate the booze and all but Jason have a bottle in hand before the second verse of All I Wanna Do.
Roddy does a step and a half of his Erotic Dance. He's obviously concerned for Ms. Crow's safety and decides not to do the full tilt boogie, cuz he knows he'd ruin the party for everyone else by luring her offstage and into his bed with his charm.
Ms. Crow chats at the audience between songs. "We're gonna play til you vote us out!" Not quite true, but this is the 'Original House of Lies & Deceit.' She takes a moment to sit on the edge of the stage and shake everyone's hand and hear their names. On the Live Feeds a big deal was made of the fact that Sheryl knew Gerry's name, but the episode as aired cut all that guff away.
Next song is Soak Up The Sun. After the record finishes, Ms Crow says it's like playing a wedding or a bar mitzvah. Yeah, I guess that's a nice way of saying, boy what an ordinary looking group of people. If this is eye-candy, I need Tums! I think she's also wondering why these "fans" of hers don't know the words to any of the songs.
The Steve McQueen song is the last song, and the Big Babies are actually starting to dance "properly." Good thing it's the last song, because the dancing skills of this group removes all question of why there has been no actual sex in the house. It's taken 3 songs to get limbered up and now it's almost all over. Chiara moves like a cold half-dead fish. Marcellas waves his arms around like he's playing Frisbee in the park and no one will throw it to him. Gerry refuses to do more than rock back & forth. Everyone is kind of half-heartedly moving around, except Danielle who is totally Oh.My.God. stoked to have Sheryl Crow playing in the backyard.
After the band leaves, the Babies yammer for an 8 person Diary Room, and we see them all arranged as for a group photograph. They tell Sheryl that they love her, it was awesome, they're thrilled and phew, was 12 hours' worth of lockdown really worth that 15 minute show?
The Second Hour or Holy Gospel Fit To Be Snide
Now that we've got Tuesday evening's festivities out of the way, back to the usual back-stabbing, bitching, scheming & crying.
We commence with what must have happened the minute Amy & Marcellas were tucked into the HOH bed (Thursday evening was it?)
Marcellas fills Amy in on what an incredible two-faced, backstabbing snivelley whiney ##### Chiara has been. "So what's new?" says Amy. "She's been like that since Day 3."
Switch to Dani & Lisa having a tete-a-tete in another bedroom. It won't be til the show is over that I'll finally recognise each room and be able to call it by its name. So Dani is telling Lisa that Marcey won't vote for Roddy to leave cuz he has a deal with him. FFFFFFFFF Fudge says Lisa.
The whole second hour of this show, in fact, is about the changing face of today's alliances in the Big Baby House. For about 10 seconds, Amy considers putting up Jason in order to be
able to guarantee Chiara's departure. In a touching & actually enlightening scene, Amy skilfully maneuvers Danielle into giving her word to vote out Chiara, even if the Whore is up against Roddy.
You see, Amy doesn't want Roddy to leave. So, as she tells Danielle, if Amy puts Chiara up against a saint like Jason, whom everyone likes, then Chiara is sure to depart. Dani says that if Jason were to leave, she's have a Holy Gospel Fit. Amy says she would too, even tho it would be for different reasons. Then Dani gives Amy the ole 'do what ya gotta do' routine, but asks her to
take into account the Power of Veto - what if the "devil" gets free. As in, what if Roddy saves her skanky ass?
Well, Amy figures she has those ramifications to deal with. It's a risk. Amy then says, Because if I put Roddy up, I have you in here saying that if Roddy is up, you'll vote for him. THEN Dani says the magic words "What do you want to me to do?" Amy gets her to give her word that if Chiara is up against Roddy, Danielle won't vote him out. I think Amy realizes that if Dani agrees to this plan,
then the minions Lisa & Jason will also fall into line.
Amy is NOT as dumb as anyone thought. What a crafty move! Good play. Hope to hell it works.
On Nomination Day, Amy gathers the keys, then stands in silent prayer at the Memory Wall. Give me strength to nominate somebody along with the Skanky Whore-##### from Hell. Would that I could put two keys with her name into the Velvet Bag...
Once the keys are in the Box, and the folks have been summoned to the Lazy Susan Table, Amy goes back to retrieve the Box and
begins crying. Poor Amy - she's done quite a bit of crying. In fact, we've seen an awful lot of Amy crying and Lisa crying. Where is all the Chiara bawlistic that I was promised this episode would contain?
Once the nominations are revealed, Amy makes her speech about it not being about revenge (which actually I buy - Amy has hated Chiara from virtually Day 1 - so, no this is NOT about revenge. For Chiara to understand this point would require her to understand that most good people find her gutter ways unattractive.)
Chiara stomps out of the house to go over to Roddy's office and attack the pillows and cushions. Then she lays down for a cry. Good Ole Lisa goes over to ask after her. What an Act that girl is putting on. The hammock would be a lovely spot for a bit of girl-love, but Chiara isn't up for it just yet. She has a few hours' worth of bitching & moaning to do first. "It's not fair. I never had
a chance. That f*cking whore ##### from Memphis Tennessee. yada yada"
Marcellas in the Diary Room says that the nominations are the Will of the House.
Danielle still thinks that she can fool anybody, so she sidles over to Roddy & Chiara poolside and starts to raise the topic of Power of Veto, that she'll try to win it and use it.
Roddy: To save Chiara?
Dani: Why would you immediately say that? I might be winning it to save you.
It's late at night. Someone is in a bed in a room of otherwise empty beds. In comes Danielle to check on whether Jason has been playing with himself. She covers her true motive by having an Important Conversation with him. At this point the plan is to boot Roddy, and Jason gives her the instructions on how to deal with Lisa "Tell her to tell no-one else her vote, just one of us." Dani is taking notes and practically saying, Yes, sir.
Jason also tells Dani that the one person who might veto Roddy is Marcellas.
Next up is the Powerlessness of Veto, in which everyone except Roddy really tries to win the coveted medal of dishonour. The competition is called Slip N Slide, which some of you may also
recognise as a code word for Sex!!! Which is what Amy is hoping for with Roddy as soon as Pimple Head is squeezed out of the house.
This time, it's the head gear that makes the group look super stupid. All get to wear bathing caps from the 50s, and oil up with Baby Oil and then slide themselves down a long run of exercise cushions from 6th Grade. They get to practice, like it helps, and eventually Gerry wins. It was fun to watch them treating it so seriously - it's really one of the funnier portions of the show but it's more of a sight-gag than something I can or am prepared to try to make jokes with.
Marcey did say after it was over that they should all be ashamed that Gerry, the 51 year old fat ass beat them all at the game. Marcey is also miffed at Danielle, because she enjoyed the game. Some days Marcey gets on my nerves, ya know that.
More scenes of Chiara whining bitching & moaning. In DR, Lisa says she's making herself miserable. I am beginning to feel tainted by Chiara - she's taking us with her down that misery road. It's not fair that we have to watch her, why couldn't they have booted Chiara out instead of Eric, why didn't we the viewers
get a say in who was leaving and who was returning? Why couldn't it be like BB1/BB2/The Mole?
Amy sure doesn't respect Chiara and notes that it would be like Chiara to preach honesty, her being so upfront and honest with her pal Lisa and all. How about the way she puts Roddy down and doesn't have nice things to say about him? Roddy is dangerous, now he has Amy spouting his lines.
Everything we're shown Chiara saying about Amy really applies to Chiara - two-faced, cruel, #####.
Classic line - Amy & Marcey are getting ready to sleep, and Amy says, "She can go back to wherever she comes from being the drunk slut at the mall. 555-SLUT. I . Good one, Amy.
But of course, all this unhappiness wouldn't be complete without a scene of kiss & make up. The girls are round the dining room table, drinking. The subject soon goes south, as Jason puts it. Gerry & Roddy relish every word of the lesbian sex-experiences talk. It seems that for 5 minutes, the wall of revenge is down just a wee bit and Chiara & Amy are not actually frowning at each other.
The action moves to the Hot Tub, with kissing and sex play,then into the Diary Room to ask for more booze so that the sex play can escalate to "the next level." Stupid BB producers do not
comply, so I guess actual sex is not what they wanted. They just wanted people who would be interested in talking about having sex.
Our last main segment before the PoV meeting is about Danielle, and how Roddy, Lisa and Marcey view her. These three have noticed that Dani has been playing her "my family needs money" agenda a little too hard for a little too long. Says Roddy, it's not Make A Wish Foundation. Marcey is beginning to think her agenda is without that ring of truth. Lisa says hearing Roddy diss Dani
is the first time she's heard him be mean like that. However, Dani tells Lisa that she cares only about Lisa and Jason, no one else in the house.
There are yet more conversations with Amy about preferring Roddy to go, or maybe Chiara to go, and trying to find out what's what. But let's move on to the PoV meeting, which was over so fast that blink and you missed. Both nominated persons said - you decide, I'm not campaigning. Gerry said I'm not using it. Quick efficient - in & out, just the sort of terms Chiara would understand. Wham Bam Thankee Ma'am (uh, no sorry, that's Chiara NOT giving Gerry a BJ!)
Now Roddy is "packing for real." Last time he was nommed he just pretend packed somebody else's shoes and shirts.
Roddy point blank asked Dani something and he used the same language she had used in telling Marcellas her plan. Now Dani is way mad at Marce for "turning" and now she has a new target, cuz no one else could have said whatever it was that Roddy said, in just that way, unless it was something he'd heard from Marcellas.
Tune in tomorrow (actually, that's tonight) to find out whether Chiara is Toast, and whether she'd like peanut butter or jelly on that.