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PLEASE NOTE: The Reality TV World Message Boards are filled with desperate
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As entertainment critic Roger
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with me, correct me--but don't tell me to shut up. That's not the American way."
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"Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..."
zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-01-08, 07:01 PM (EST)
 
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"Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Dave White writes a terrifically funny column on AI for the Advocate.Here's this week's recap: http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid52440.asp
I warn you--reading while drinking something can lead to spitting it all over your computer screen. He's that witty. He really gets on a roll on page two and three. For a small preview--
Here's what he said about Robbie's performance on Tuesday:
"4. Robbie Carrico seems to be wearing a wig. When he’s not displaying the fakey-looking, oddly matted-down hair, he’s wearing a tightly wrapped rag covered in skulls.
Skulls. They’re so rock. He sings “Hot Blooded” but forgets that in order to sing Foreigner YOU MUST BE WEARING THE FOREIGNER BELT. He is not, therefore, hot-blooded. I begin thinking about waffles again. I do like it, though, when he holds up three fingers when he gets to the part about having a fever of 103. The rock-climbing gear on the side of his Stupid Pants is funny too. My husband/partner/whatever starts singing along to the chorus with his own lyrics: “I’M NOT BALDING. I’M NOT BALDING!” "
And Amanda's on Wednesday:
"6. Amanda Overmyer is here to ruin Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son.” But whatthefu*kever. Everything about her is awesome. I love her. I love her dyke-on-bikeness. I love her Indiana trashy-ladyhood. I love how she clearly has nothing in common with the other women singing. I like how her big reveal is that she reads books so she doesn’t have to talk to anyone else on the show. Well, she didn’t say that last part, but you know that’s how it is. I love her crazy Sweeney Todd-meets-Cruella De Vil hair. She stomps and pi$$es the Kansas out of that song. How ya like her now? You don’t? Fu*k off! "
But he isn't done. He covers the boot night, too. I hope he writes a column like this every week!
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-02-08, 10:51 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Found his column for the top 24 week:http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid52339.asp
Some of his snarky best:
"5. Robbie Carrico is the guy from Boys-N-Girls United, toured with Britney, dated her for a while, and God only knows what else. Old photos of him show a clean-cut child with too much gel in his hair. Currently he’s pretending to be a rock and roller. Hence the hirsute-itude and the WALLET MOTHERFU*KING CHAIN. Also the Aunt Jemima head wrap. He sings “One Is the Loneliest Number,” but all I want from this guy is some waffles and an accurate count of the illegitimate children left in his wake. Best part = when Seacrest says that he looks like Justin Timberlake and R.C. gives him visible grimace. Thought bubble in R.C.’s head: Yeah? Well, I hit it first. "
(Now I understand the waffles comment from the Top 20 write up, lol).
"8. Kady Malloy. Also looks like Carrie Underwood. Sings “Groovy Kind of Love.” Has serious pitch problems. When criticized, it becomes apparent that no one in her life has ever dared speak to her this way before and she gets a wickedly entertaining upset/pissed-off face. Has “mean girl” written all over her. Therefore she needs to stick around and serve it up. Nothing spells hilarity like princessy entitlement. "
I think he nailed Kady--"princessy entitlement" --what a phrase!
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-03-08, 02:01 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
That's the one...can't wait to hear what she has to say about this crop. If Amanda is in the top 12....wow, what critique will she have? I can already see the kudos for David A and Carly S in terms of technique.
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-03-08, 02:03 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Any chance Larry (Todd) will drop in with at least one week's worth of snark? He wrote so deliciously! I would love to read what he has to say about Amanda's hair and clothes as well as comments on the other contestants.
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-08-08, 01:36 PM (EST)
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9. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
LAST EDITED ON 03-08-08 AT 01:38 PM (EST)Here's this week's treat: http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid52551.asp A sampling: "The camera cuts to the first celebrity of the season, serial Idol taping attendee Denise Richards. You might remember her from making out with Neve Campbell in Wild Things or that James Bond movie where she was a nuclear scientist named Christmas Jones. Or you might remember her from her upcoming reality series, where she plans to exploit her own children and make her ex-husband even more furious and drug binge–prone than he already is. "
and
"Kristy Lee Cook used to run around on her hands and knees as a child, barking like a dog. She self-edits the story to avoid the part where she peed on the rug and leg-humped total strangers. She’s singing Journey’s “Faithfully,” so she’s got the Randy vote all sewn up. Also? She’s here tonight as a spokesperson for the T!ts Up Foundation, which provides plunging neckline tops to less fortunate women. "
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agman 11166 desperate attention whore postings
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03-08-08, 01:38 PM (EST)
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10. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
ROTFLMAO
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Sues 585 desperate attention whore postings
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03-08-08, 10:15 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Hilarious...thanks for the link, this makes viewing all the better....
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
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03-15-08, 12:01 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Top 12 witty recap:http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid52709.asp He tells us about his promotional swag from Fox.... and rolls into the recap of the week-here's the part about Chikeze: "All the gays in the room are into Chikezie’s name. One of them is into Chikezie himself, but most of us are just down for his name. We’ve all agreed that it sounds like a dessert at Taco Bell. And these are some dessert-loving gays in this room, so that’s not a diss of any sort. His parents thought outside the bun. And while I’m talking parents, he’s got the best ones of the season so far. Every time the camera lands on his mother she’s got the Holy Spirit and she doesn’t give a damn if it caught her praising Jesus for Danny Noriega’s elimination. I want to see more move-busting from her tonight. In HD, I can see each drop of sweat on Chikezie’s head as he manic-episodes his way through “She’s a Woman.” It starts out all “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” and then he gets mental and shouts and huffs and puffs and does some foot-shuffling that would make Taylor Hicks sue for copyright infringement. This is all very entertaining. The judges like it too. Naturally, this makes Chikezie’s parents convulse with joy. His mother is waving her hands up and down in tiny short motions like she’s struggling to lift an imaginary anvil. Go, Chikezie’s Mother! Lift it! Meanwhile, HD-Seacrest has been possessed with the same Holy Spirit. He’s yelling at and shoving Chikezie, throwing out more “my man” endearments, jumping around in a big circle, rubbing his hands all over the guy’s head, shouting, “SOAKING WET!” and calling him “Baby!” Then he realizes that he’s got the fluids of another human being on him now and he rubs his hands together frantically. During the commercial he’ll fire his personal assistant for not anticipating his needs and having a vat of Purell on tap at all times. "
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-19-08, 02:29 PM (EST)
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17. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
This week is one week where I will enjoy the write up more than the show. Can't wait for the snark that last night created. Particularly Brooke's yellow dress...that screams for the Dave White treatment.
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cjhope117 584 desperate attention whore postings
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03-18-08, 05:38 PM (EST)
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16. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
LAST EDITED ON 03-18-08 AT 05:39 PM (EST)Oh My God, this might have been one of the greatest things I have ever read. My personal favorite comment is in regards to sweet Jason Castro: "...and sings “If I Fell,” flaring the *#*# out of his nostrils. They’re so big that Judd Nelson lives inside them." Too funny!!!
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bullzeye 5030 desperate attention whore postings
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03-21-08, 10:45 AM (EST)
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18. "If you thought that was funny....." |
...then check out "Gay Idol":http://tinyurl.com/2pry2m I know that there are legions of us hoping that Larry pops in this season! FYI - I just grabbed the first thread I could find in the archives - there are plenty more worth reading. 
An Agman!
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-21-08, 01:46 PM (EST)
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19. "RE: If you thought that was funny....." |
That was a nice trip back to season 5....Larry? Where are you?
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-23-08, 09:39 AM (EST)
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20. "Top 11--Beatles round two recap" |
http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid52858.aspJust two snippets to whet your whistle: About David A: "Time for David Archuleta to sing “The Long and Winding Road.” He forgot the words last week. Remember that? Here’s a replay of that humiliating moment just in case you forgot. So many lifetimes ago, so much pain then. And even with the memory of that wound still fresh, the fact is that this boy has never been on a long or winding road. He’s not cried many tears that weren’t a result of his father sitting right next to him during rehearsal, totally breathing down his neck. The kid was born in a trunk. Nothing’s ever happened to him that didn’t involve callbacks. And that’s why tonight he’s hitting all the notes, twisting just the right ones in just the right ways for maximum emotional wallop. The judges love him. The boy looks he’s about to collapse and have one of those stressy crying jags, in that “phew, no beating from Dad tonight” way. "
About Brooke W: "Dear Brooke White,
Thanks for blowing it this week. I was worried that I was going to have to fully get behind your wholesome-winsome thing. But the weird dancing plus the buttercuppy yellow dress plus the free-spirited “whoo”-ing plus the slithering around the microphone stand plus the clanky note-hitting plus the doot-n-doo-doo reminded me afresh why I don’t have to dig you. Unless we’re going to sit down and watch A Clockwork Orange together, we got nothing to say to each other. Dig? Thanks,
Dave "
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cjhope117 584 desperate attention whore postings
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03-24-08, 01:08 PM (EST)
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21. "RE: Top 11--Beatles round two recap" |
He really outdid himself this week. Too funny for words! I am reading at work, trying not to laugh too loudly so my boss notices that I am not actually doing work. Thank you Dave for a great recap of the week!
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-29-08, 02:44 PM (EST)
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22. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
LAST EDITED ON 03-29-08 AT 02:45 PM (EST)This week's article: http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid53034.asp Some chuckles: "Kristy Lee Cook’s baby pictures show her being cradled in the arms of the cast of Hardcastle and McCormick. That’s the light-hearted, ain’t-nothin’-cuter-than-a-fat-country-baby-eatin’-peaches-off-a-hardwood-floor introduction to what is the most Art of War–inspired, monumentally conniving and cynical move I’ve seen anyone do on American Idol ever. She sings “God Bless the U.S.A.” Seriously. The flag waves behind her on the big screen, and you’d be forgiven for assuming that she probably asked them to show Twin Towers footage, as well. All that’s missing is a big yellow ribbon across her ##### and a salute at the end. And you can hate her all you want -- I know I do -- and say that cheap patriotism is the last refuge of the about-to-be-voted-off. But you have to admit that she just totally saved her own ##### in the most brilliantly diabolical way ever. Well played, Kristy Lee Cook. "
And
"7. Project Runway overlap time. Kimberly Locke is here to sing some new song on her new album, and she’s wearing a Christian Siriano dress. And as a Christian fan, for me, what’s notable about this is that I don’t like it at all. It looks like she’s here to take David Archuleta to the prom. "
ROFL!
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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03-31-08, 10:28 AM (EST)
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25. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Glad that so many are enjoying his snarky recaps! It makes the week's show all that much more enjoyable. Country week should be a train wreck for someone...and I already can't wait for Dave's write up of whoever that is. 
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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04-05-08, 01:03 PM (EST)
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26. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
And this week's fare:http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid53191.asp has some snark for Kristy: "Kristy Lee Cook time! Since last week when she whipped out the big machine gun of “God Bless the U.S.A.,” I’ve decided that I want her to stick around and slime this show with her mediocre singing and craven gestures until the set implodes and sulfur rains down on the audience. And she doesn’t disappoint me this week at all. She meets Dolly and, when told by Big D that she looks pretty, has, “Well, not as pretty as you!” on reserve. Spike the ball, Kristy Lee Cook! Then, Dolly tells Kristy Lee Cook that she made “Coat of Many Colors” her own. That’s the default “yeah, whatever, it was fine” response. That’s Paula’s go-to line when she can’t think of anything else to say. But she saves it by telling Kristy Lee Cook that “your mama’s gon’ be so prouda yew!” Kristy Lee Cook’s response? “When she said my mom was gonna be proud of me, I was excited, but, um, I’d rather impress her than my mom at this moment.” Dang, Sun Tzu, play it a little closer to your boobs, will ya? Next week she changes her stage name to Always B. Closing. Then she performs the song. BAREFOOTIN’ Y’ALL! Also pitchy. And she does that “I don’t know how to stop singing” thing where the last note seems like it will never end, just turning into a pile-up of yeah-yeahs. Randy uses the word “wheelhouse” twice in describing whatever it is she just did. Paula loves her. Simons says she was “pleasant but forgettable,” which causes Kristy Lee Cook to give him the tut-tut face, featuring eyeballs of pissed-off-county-fair-fury. “Thank you, Simon! Love you!” she says in her best sarcastic voice -- which isn’t, you know, a very good sarcastic voice at all -- before blowing him a kiss, one that probably contained invisible poison air darts she’d been storing in her cheeks. That she didn’t mention the troops even one time is a failing from which she may not recover. "
And from the results night:
"15. Jason Castro is safe. Brooke takes a stool. I know I’m 9 years old, but I do love this season’s emphasis on stool. It’s gross, yes. But totally great, you have to admit. Brooke shames Simon about calling the fiddle player weird, demanding that he say he’s sorry. So Simon throws random sorry(s) into the air, most of them aimed at what seems to be the stage’s staircase. But this satisfies Brooke, who tonight is wearing a headband made of hair. That it’s a shade lighter blond than the rest of her blondness is…well…AWESOME. Dolly probably advised she do it. Or more likely, she borrowed it from Kristy Lee Cook, who infiltrated Dolly’s dressing room and stole it while dressed as a caterer. " What will he do when Kristy is finally booted? LOL.
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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04-15-08, 06:46 PM (EST)
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27. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Dave's article this week is titled: "Idol, give back the four hours I spent watching" (LOL)http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid53326.asp Oh, Dave! Thank you for making me laugh about last week: "I’d really like to hear Kristy Lee Cook do the mildly naughty “Telephone Man.” (You might need to YouTube that one to loosen it from your personal sticky heap of discarded memories.) But Seacrest introduces her as “determined not to be in the bottom three,” so what I’d like doesn’t really matter. And in order to stay out of purgatory, she’s going to poison all the other contestants with nerve gas that she’s learned how to eject from the whites of her eyes while she simultaneously sings a song she wrote herself called “God, Flag, Jesus, America, Troops, Pie, Me. Also Puppies. And Oprah.” And what I mean by that is that she’s singing a Martina McBride song called “Anyway.” And so far, while the personality reels have unspooled, each Idol has talked about giving back and inspiring others and helping people, since it’s Idol Gives Back week and all. But Kristy Lee Cook spends her minute or so talking about how this song is about how she’s going to not give up and “give it best shot.” So this is an inspirational song -- about Kristy Lee Cook’s career potential."(ROFL!) and just a teensy bit of the IGB section of his article: "... Eli and Peyton Manning talking about how New Orleans is still all fu$ked up, Posh and Becks—OK, I have to talk about Posh and Becks. Have you actually heard them speak? They’re like urchins out of Oliver Twist. Americans think everyone over there sounds like Helena Bonham Carter or Emma Thompson in a Merchant-Ivory movie. But these two are like, “I dropped a hunna-thousand quid at ‘arrods last week, me! Got a Balenciaga scarf. Ace! Cor! Blimey! Bubble-n-squeak! Thanks guv’nah!” After them comes Kiefer Sutherland, Céline Dion, Jimmy Kimmel (who wisely spends his time insulting Simon Cowell’s haircut and huge nipples), Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Forest Whitaker and his wife, Sarah Silverman (who manages not to mock malaria or AIDS but does goof on Mrs. Whitaker), Keith Urban, Reese Witherspoon, Dane Cook, Alicia Keys, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale, Rob Schneider, Tyra Banks, David Spade, and Brad Pitt dressed like a hobo. " LOL! He compares Brad to a hobo. Dave White is too funny sometimes.
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
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04-25-08, 11:48 AM (EST)
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28. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Behind on posting this...been out of town and not as interested in AI but am interested in the snark, lol.Here's Dave's article on the KLC boot week; Syesha's won't be posted till this weekend: http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid53547.asp He nails Brooke: "Brooke is going to sing “Hero” all simple and Brooke-ish, keep it loose and flowy and Carole King-real. AND THEN SHE’S GOING TO FREAK THE FU(K OUT AFTER A MINOR VOCAL FLUB AND THEN ANOTHER MINOR PIANO-PLAYING MISHAP AND HER FACE WILL VIBRATE LIKE SOMEONE’S GIVING HER FROZEN ELECTRIC SHOCKS AND THE CAMERA WILL GO ALL SUPER-TIGHT CLOSE-UP ON HER SO YOU CAN MORE FULLY ENJOY THE WET-EYED TERROR. Cut to some meaty bruiser-looking guy sitting next to Brooke’s husband with a look on his face that says, “Well, she screwed that pooch.” Simon, of course, takes his words and stabs her repeatedly, comparing her to a meatless hamburger. Nice one. Hamburglary banter from the judges ensues. " And David Cook: "David Cook sings “Always Be My Baby.” And guess how he does it? That’s right! Like an alternative rock song from 1995! My favorite part is when, after he’s taken it from soft and unsupported and off-key to big and hollery, he throws this quick, stern, I MEAN IT, MAN kinda face to the audience. Because you might have thought he was maybe a joke. But no! No joke! He’s 4 REAL! Then at the end he grabs the microphone stand and looks down all prayerfully and earnest and soulful. Little-known fact: Every time some lead singer in a band does that move (it’s called “The Douche Chill” among people in the biz) they have to pay a small royalty to Bono. Afterward, the judges act like he just invented music, food, breathing, and standing upright. "
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
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04-26-08, 11:10 AM (EST)
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29. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Dave's a Carly fan. This week Dave is unhappy with AI. No, make that bitter about AI. For one, there are a lot of fu(ks in the article this week. Two, he is really into the JCS song being a turn off for a lot of America. Three, he calls sabotage.Still, he snarks his way through the AI week: http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid53659.asp Don't know if MC reads this thread, but for MC, here's the part about Jason: "Jason Castro is up next. And I promised my anonymous friend from last week that I’d give him some equal time for his whole JC-fixation. So this friend and I talked on the phone and he explained how JC is, in his opinion, the only Idol not playing a role, the only unique one on stage, that what you see is what you get, that he embodies the spirit of the indie artist far more than David Cook does, that he fits the Moldy Peaches-ish, offhanded, muttery, sometimes camera-shy, sometimes awkward “goofy foot” way of life, something the Idol stage has never seen. However, when pressed, my friend also went on and on about the dreaded one’s perfect skin (“It glows!”) and his “dreamy eyelashes.” “That’s funny,” says Xtreem Aaron, sitting next to me on the couch and having been fairly silent so far tonight, “I think he looks like if Predator had a teenage daughter.” Castro is going to sing “Memory” from Cats. It’s the song that the old prostitute cat sings before she dies and gets lifted up to the ceiling on the tire. At least in my memory her character was a kitty of the night. I could be misremembering that.... (cut part of this section out) ...I think it’s kind of great that JC picked this one, made most famous by Barbra Streisand. ALW is sort of refreshingly blunt about how appropriate he thinks this song is for Castro. “He kind of understood it. I think,” offers the song’s writer. Castro’s response: “I didn’t know a cat was singing it.” YES, YOU DOPE. IT’S FROM CATS. THERE ARE NO NOT-CATS IN THE WHOLE FU(KING SHOW. CATS SING ALL THE SONGS. CATS DO ALL THE ACTING. CATS DO ALL THE DANCING. IT’S ABOUT CATS, CATS, AND MORE FU(KING CATS. It’s a big-voice song too. So this ought to be interesting. He sits on a stool and tries to give it the Iron and Wine treatment. But the thing about Iron and Wine’s Sam Beam is that he’s got controlled whisper-singing down to an exact, spooky, heartbreaking science. Castro, on the other hand, feels like he shouldn’t even be upright. Instead I would like for the show to allow him to be fully himself from here on and give him a couch to lie down on and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to munch while he gives each week’s selection the somnambulant treatment that is fast becoming his trademark. The judges aren’t into it. " Love how he works KLC into this part about Brooke: "By now the whole world (well, the “world” of people who follow this game show) knows that Brooke blew it this week. She started her song, “You Must Love Me” from the movie version of Evita, forgot the words, and then started over. And the jury is out on whether or not that was professional. The judges couldn’t agree, the audience didn’t seem to mind, certainly the voters didn’t care because she’s still safe at the end of it all. Personally, I think you soldier on. You blather on like Leslie Uggams about “June is busting out all over with the fruh-fruhs and be-jeebus and the garblegrablefrakkinlicious stairs” and you just fu(kin’ get through it. You just do. I like to think that Kristy Lee Cook sat Brooke down this week and said, “Look, you’ve got this vulnerability angle all sewn up. So here’s how you work it, see? You fu(k up the song at first. Then you give ‘em those pleading cry-eyes you got. Pout some. You’re good at that. But fu(kin’ get it wet. Be on the verge of a breakdown. Get the shakes. Everyone will feel sorry for you and you’ll sail on through. AMERICA! FU(K YEAH!” So Brooke plaints her way through it, at one point holding out her hand, palm open, fingers stretched wide, aching to catch the must-love she’s begging for. Rick Schroder is in the audience. He looks concerned. Also like he’d enjoy must-loving her a bit. " I'll let you all read the part about Carly. I know how he feels. I kinda felt that way about the judges and Ryan's treatment of Michael. Fodder. AI cast fodder for the show. Sigh.
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CattyChat 3379 desperate attention whore postings
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04-27-08, 09:22 AM (EST)
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31. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Thanks for the link, Zazzy. I brought over the closing remarks, because it actually sums up how I feel pretty well. I lost most interest after Michael was booted and now with Carly gone, I really have no interest to watch.Funny thing is, Brooke & Jason were two of my faves at the beginning of this season, but both of them have lasted too long for my taste, revealing their weaknesses more & more each week. They are both actually beginning to annoy me and my love for them fades. I think both Brooke & Jason would have fared better to have been cut earlier. While they get worse each week, people like Carly & Michael who were getting beter were cut before their time.
"Brooke and Jason Castro are, inexplicably, safe. Brooke freaks out, goes to the safety-couch and puts her head in her hands. I hear from other bloggers who were in the audience that she wept openly and then spent time lying facedown on the couch. Where were the cameras when I needed them? Why am I not getting my entertainment value for the time I invest in this show?
Then they kick off Carly. And I know it’s not cool to care. But I do. In this moment I care about the dubious integrity of this ridiculous show, a show I believe intentionally sabotaged its most interesting and talented singer. Week after week she was attacked by judges, forced into a box of come-on-get-happiness that she was too mature to giggle her way through in anything resembling a convincing manner, told that her clothes were all wrong and made to feel psyched out, messed up, and frightening. Her super-inked, tattooed-skull-having husband was kept as far from the camera as possible in early episodes, lest he terrify voters by proxy. But as time went on he got more and more camera time. LOOK, AMERICA! THAT WOMAN CHOSE TO MARRY THIS GUY! HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT CARLY?! OOKY, RIGHT?! The message of this elimination is: Be the character we’re trying to create for you or get the ##### lost. So goodbye for now, Mrs. Smithson. You were too cool for this bullshit. I will download your next CD from iTunes someday. Seriously, f-- American Idol."
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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04-27-08, 11:38 AM (EST)
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32. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Hi Catty Chat...speaking of Carly and Michael, they are both on American Idol Extra this week...Carly for her post boot interview and Michael is a surprise guest, something they have never done before--bringing back a booted contestant a few weeks after the boot on that particular show.And, you get to see Carly's hubby close up, too, and hear him say a few things. He is much better looking when he is talking--one of those things when the face is animated versus looking tense in the audience, I suppose. The segment with Carly and her hubby is when the interviewer asks her about tats..and BTW, Carly laughingly tells us that no, Brooke White does not have any tats (like anyone thought she did?). AI Extra is on the Fox Reality TV channel and the show repeats at 8pm and 11pm tonight. BTW, if you are missing Michael, as some of us are ;), sample http://michaeljohnsonline.com/forum/index.php for his interviews/appearances, etc. For example, Michael was at the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2ZyrWy1BVo ;)
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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05-03-08, 02:37 PM (EST)
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33. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
LAST EDITED ON 05-06-08 AT 05:24 PM (EST)Here it is, snark fans, this week's David White write up--I thought his funniest part would be about Paula's gaffe on Tuesday, but what he wrote about just after that was funnier:
"The second half of the show is like being in Groundhog Day, where you have to relive exactly what just happened to you, like it or not. The kids sing more Neil Diamond songs I hate. Cook comports himself rockishly in that somewhat rockish way that he does, all ugly hair and jackets. He lives it like David Blaine lives The Magic. Kristy Lee Cook called Archuleta and told him, “Not like you need this advice, but you should sing ‘America’ and really just stomp the rest of them into the ground with it. That bull$hit is guaranteed. The rest of the lyrics could be about slitting your own invalid grandmother’s throat and as long as you yell, ‘LET FREEDOM RIIIIIIIING!’ at the end people are going to act like you poop sweet vanilla ice cream.” Syesha sings something I don’t know. Like it matters. NONE OF THEM ARE CARLY. WHY SHOULD I LISTEN?
Answer: I don’t have to. Thank you, fast-forward button. Elimination Night. Here’s what happens… 1. Kristy Lee Cook is in the audience, controlling the proceedings with her mind." ROFL! He loves bringing up KLC!
He also had a list of thoughts about David A--here's a choice one:
" 3. If he’s smart, he’ll befriend the cast of High School Musical or Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers. Somebody with an action figure in their likeness currently in production. He’ll need their wisdom. Maybe David Cassidy gives seminars on this kind of thing, with field trips to visit Leif Garrett in jail. "
http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid53779.asp
P.S. He is still missing Carly.
Know how you feel, Dave. I'm still missing Michael, but I just read on a Michael fan board that he was invited by Ellen to sing a duet with Carly Smithson on the Ellen show next week! Woo hoo! Wonder what they will sing? ETA: link
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Sues 585 desperate attention whore postings
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05-04-08, 10:45 PM (EST)
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34. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
I so love funny people...
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
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05-05-08, 07:54 PM (EST)
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35. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Did you have a favorite part?
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KoalaChick 509 desperate attention whore postings
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05-05-08, 08:04 PM (EST)
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36. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Hey, where's the link?
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
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05-06-08, 05:25 PM (EST)
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37. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Thanks, KC, I added the link to the post about last week's article.
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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05-10-08, 11:03 AM (EST)
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38. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Top 4 recap-- Dave promises not to swear this week, for reasons you'll have to read the article to find out. It has to do with Jason, though :http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid54137.asp But first, some snark on DC: "It’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week (and please note that during the montage-y clip part where they explain what the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame means to the uninitiated, that the music-bed is a Kiss song. Kiss are not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, just so you know). But it might as well be Tribute to Martin Denny Week for as much as rock and roll means to the remaining Idols, since the show usually only allows one "rock" cast member per season. And it means even less to this season's "rock" cast member, David "I Our Lady Peace" Cook. No, I won't let it go. I won't. Would it kill him to like some better bands? Wouldn't it be more excellent for everyone who has to come anywhere near him if he didn't become Scott Stapp? Or Chad Kroeger? Or … I don't know… any of those other guys in any of those other awful bands. I mean, maybe those two are both really nice, kind to their old nonfamous friends, maybe bought their moms nice houses and whatnot. A pony for the baby sister. But could their music stop sucking so much that it feels like I'm being screwdriver-surgeried in my skull when I hear it? Could he not become that person? Could he stop being those people now, please? So here he is, Cook, ready to cover Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf." He’s grown his beard out a little more to provide some visual accompaniment to the song, even though it’s not actually about a wolf. Or even a wild dog. It's about Simon LeBon having a groupie brought to his hotel room by one of the roadies, then chasing her around the hot tub until she passes out from the effects of a speedball. Next day? In a taxi, cash in hand, doesn't remember where it came from or how she got in the car, cabbie's been given a note that reads, "Drop the bird off at Harvey Nichols." Cook howls and he whines, he pouts and he chews, he bares his wolf-teeth, all the while taking a casual walk back and forth onstage. It’s not called "Strolling Like the Wolf," dude. Stalk that imaginary prey! Put some jungle war paint on your face and go! But no one ever listens to me."
And later:
"And then they all do it again. Cook’s back and I get a better view of the beard this time. All sculpty, like he decided where to stop shaving at the bottom of it to make it "neat." I've never been a fan of that manicured thing. I like scruff, not topiary. And another thing, his clothes. They gotta go. Not that I want to see him naked. I just want all "rocker outfits" to leave this planet on a spaceship headed for the sun. I know this is coming from a man who wears pretty much nothing but boots, jeans, and black T-shirts with band logos on them. But I think that’s a fairly simple combination. The rings and the skulls and the shiny coats and the necklaces and leather studded bracelets and the straps and hooks and snaps and WALLET CHAINS and "graphic tees" and everything else, however, scream of trying hard. It’s is like wearing a sign on your back that says, "Kick me. I don't really listen to Motorhead at all. Not even once." " You all can read the rest of the article...but the ending about Jason was noteworthy (he wrote earlier about their trip to Vegas and the dolphins: "Jason Castro gets the shove. And I've never seen anyone seem so happy about it in seven seasons of watching this frightfest of a show. He was a dolphin in the desert. A bong with no weed. A man with no memory. And now he gets to go home and relax and -- oh, wait. The tour. Sorry, Mystical Hair Dude. You’re still 19 Entertainment’s slave. "
I love how he calls the show a frightfest yet he just loves, loves, LOVES Carly, lol. From the frightfest.
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zazzy 4390 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Jerry Springer Show Guest"
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05-20-08, 06:50 PM (EST)
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39. "RE: Laugh out loud funny!!! Great summary of this week on AI..." |
Next to the last recap from Dave White. He called this one "Bore Me" . Referring to Fantasia's performance, of course. ;)http://www.advocate.com/exclusive_detail_ektid54500.asp Part of the fun from last week was Dave's write up of Wed. night's show:
" 5. Ford commercial: The kids stumble upon a fortune teller’s tent, where they learn that fame and immense riches await them. Syesha will live in Brenda Dickson’s “Welcome to My Home” house, have a portrait of herself over the fireplace, and wear gowns that are very dramatic. Archuleta will also live in a self-referential palace, with a pool featuring a giant painting of his face installed on the floor of it. There will also be a piano next to the pool. There will also be sprinklers making the piano soaking wet and unplayable. Cook will be a valet parking attendant outside one of these mansions. Either that or he will own an entire fleet of Fords. So you be the judge on which one of those scenarios is lamer. And is Archuleta even allowed to dabble in the occult like this? "
and this one--it's long but it's classic Dave White: "6. Then Fantasia comes out to sing “Bore Me,” a song from her latest CD. Contrary to the song’s title, she does not, although I’ve been reading a lot of negative, untrue things about this particular Fantasia performance. Her hair (too red!), her body (too fat! too mannish!), her singing (too screamy!), her everything (too terrifying!) -- nothing is off limits when it comes to people hating this woman. Meanwhile, I’m here to say they are all flat wrong and that this performance by Fantasia is, and I don’t want to overstate my case too much, THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED ON AMERICAN IDOL EVER. EVER. First of all, her hair is raspberry Kool-Aid red now. In fact, it looks like she spent the final moments before her performance dyeing it that color and it may bleed out onto her forehead. She’s wearing what looks like a black velvet one-piece halter-y pantsuit thing with chains hanging off it and giant hoop earrings attached to her head. She bounds onto the stage hollering, “HERE WE GO! EVERBODYINTHISBUILDINGGETUPONYOURFEETCOMEON!” At this command, the people backstage that you can’t even see, people just wandering around being production assistants, are probably obeying her. I feel like not obeying her in this moment might have extreme consequences. Then she yells, “PUTCHAHANDSTOGETHAHLIKETHIS!” and begins swinging her big, muscular arms together and clapping like she’s boxing the Incredible Hulk’s ears and making him weep in submission. Singing starts. Between each verse, she throws her body in two different directions at once, lightning-like, employing what may be an invisible Hula-Hoop of her own invention. More singing and more intense body-jerking and wiggling, while the backup dancers go “lah-deh-lah-deh-lah” and try to keep up. They mostly do. Then there’s screaming. It’s always in the right place, this screaming. But she screams. And she screams. And points. And glares. And grins. And bumps her grind. And bumps her grind some more. And flares her nostrils. And makes the entire mosh pit of blond whippet girls take 10 steps back, unsure as to where the fire exits might be in case they need to use them in a second. She juts out her big #####, inviting the entire world to kiss it if they can’t deal. Cut to Archuleta and Syesha. Thought bubble above Archuleta’s head = “Keep the scary devil lady away from me, please.” Fantasia approaches the steps that lead to the floor. She pauses at the top, just as a courtesy, a warning that she’s coming down there in a second and you might want to get the ##### out of the way. She runs around on the floor, screams some more and then heads back up onto the stage where a guy on a platform above the stage begins singing a little bit with her. Before the show, when they were searching around for males to keep their distance and sing with her, I wonder if Fantasia said, “You know, I always liked Dumb Donald from Fat Albert. Can you get him to duet with me?” Except no one had the nerve to tell her that Dumb Donald was a cartoon. So they dressed up this guy like Dumb Donald and now here he is on a platform singing the bridge with her. Quickly bored with Dumb Donald, she’s back to center stage. Now she’s going to spin her head completely around in a 360-degree circle and then breathe fire while simultaneously lighting her own farts with it. Cut to Simon Cowell looking, as they say in England, “gobsmacked.” And then she takes a bow, flashes a giant grin that lets you know that you were not meant to be anything less than flabbergasted and in love with what she just did, and leaves the stage. Seacrest calls her back out to chat. She’s hyperventilating. He asks her about her red hair. Her response: “I don’t know, Ryan, I just tried it.” Him: “It’s subtle, just like you.” Fantasia just laughs. She doesn’t give a FU(K. And this, viewers, is HOW YOU SING. "
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