Big Brother 3: Episode 2
"We've Been Slimed"
by AyaK

Apparently the hamsters grabbed the clown and are holding him hostage because he revealed the secret e-mails of Arnieincharge and Moonman69. I hear that he'll only be released if a sizable ransom is paid. We wish his family well in its efforts to prevent that from happening, and so here we go to the first "full" episode of BB3...

Lisa really likes herself. She's proud of being the first Head of Household. She even gets pictures of her cat and her teddy bear. Everyone else likes her too. Yeah, about as much as they like the plague, but no one wants to be the first one voted out. Amy and Gerry help her move her stuff. But Eric is more interested in trying to move her body ... in rhythm with his. Ooh, could it be that we're going to have sex without knives in BB3?

Josh whines to everyone that he doesn't want to be the first person booted. See Josh whine. Whine, Josh, whine. Oscar the Grouch looks lovable compared to Josh.

In fact, this whole cast seems more appropriate for an X-rated Sesame Street. Gerry wants to play Dad, although he looks more like Telly ... or maybe the late Mr. Hooper, post-autopsy. Several of the "alpha males" seem to be auditioning for the role of Evil Bert. And Marcellas/Ernie, playing dress-up with his pearls, strokes his rubber ducky and sings:

Rubber ducky, you're the one
'Cause I ain't gonna get me none
So I'm gonna have to have my fun with you

Danielle and Tonya wonder if Marcellas is gay. Really? Do you think he might be? What gave you the first clue?

Oh, wow, we get a Luxury Challenge for hot tub priveleges. Let's see ... 3 groups, each with two men and two women ... dressing up in swimsuits. OK, let's go swimming! Except ... there isn't a pool. Instead, there is a big vat of green slime. The hamsters and the slime resemble each other. Especially Chiara.

The challenge: each team goes into the slime, and the men and women have to switch swimsuits. The men have to put on the bikinis, while the women have to put on the trunks and shirts (no toplessness on national TV yet!). All three groups have six minutes total to complete the task.

Hey, CBS, we all knew this show was slimy, but do you have to rub our noses in it so soon? I would say that this is an omen about the upcoming episodes...

Anyway, the groups do it, although the bikini bottoms fit so snugly on the men that they can't get the trapped slime out. Sag, bikinis, sag. Eric says that he'll have nightmares thinking about how Gerry looked. Uh, the rest of us are having nightmares thinking that we'll have to watch you clowns for another 10 weeks.

After this, everyone needs a hot tub. Keeping with the Sesame Street theme, the moms (Danielle, Lori and Tonya) start talking about their kids, their pregnancies, yammer, yammer... which ticks off Marcellas/Ernie, who wants to be the center of attention, just like when he was a baby, especially when they were searching for the "666" under his hair.

Marcellas trashes Tonya and Lori. Josh trashes Marcellas. The viewers take a snooze. Josh schemes with Eric, Lisa, Roddy, Chiara and Gerry to use and then discard Amy. Well, actually, Josh just tells them his scheme, while they all listen and figure out how long before they boot him. Yep, this sure makes him seem trustworthy to me.

The group decides that Lisa should nominate Marcellas, because no one likes him, and Lori, because she won't hold a grudge. Josh himself goes to tell Lori the news. Way to operate behind the scenes, Josh!

Jason has told us that he doesn't want people to find out he's a virgin, because he's afraid that it will single him out. So, naturally, he does what comes naturally to these brain-challenged dolts and tells everyone while Tonya is cutting his hair. Maybe he figured that this would make him desirable to the BB3 hos, most of whom have had so many sexual partners that not even Count von Count could keep track of them all. If he did (Is he that smart? Well, don't get TOO smart, Jason, 'cause we're pretty smart ourselves), he was right. Chiara, in particular, decides that she wants to display him as a trophy, like in show-and-tell.

Chiara is not immoral, though. She is simply amoral. Now, if you're amoral and smart, like Evil Dr. Will in BB2, you may win. Amoral and dumb? Not a good combination.

Josh is still scheming and secretly goes into the closet with Gerry. Marcellas salivates, as he speculates on whether they'll come "out of the closet" and join him. But all Josh wants to do is tell Gerry that they're in control and Lisa will have to go along with them. Of course, standing right outside the "Storage Room" listening in is Lisa. Chalk up another enemy for Josh the snake.

And now it's time for Lisa to do the nominations! Will she get even with Josh? We'll find out as soon as we get through this season's dumb new gimmick: the "box of rejection." Lisa has to pull out the keys of the two nominated players, who find out they have been nominated through the process of elimination. Big deal.

Josh's key is in the box. He's thrilled. They love him, they really love him! But Marcellas and Lori's keys are missing. Lisa stuck with the plan, even though Josh wants to double-cross her. Hmmm. I guess trust is an important Sesame Street virtue too.

Lisa tells Marcellas that the group doesn't like him and tells a visibly hurt Lori that, in her view, Lori has made an effort to be friends with everyone but Lisa. In confessionals, Marcellas is defiant, but Lori is really hurt and starts crying. Oh my, this must be the time for Maria or Gina to show up and tell her that she can't let her self-esteem be wounded because one kid doesn't like her, and Elmo, Zoe and Rosita are waiting outside to play with her.

Lisa retreats to her room and clutches her teddy bear. It looks just like Radar. It IS Radar ... and here comes Big Bird, who wants to share her nest. Or is that Eric?

Two down, too many to go. See the viewers get slimed. Slime them, hamsters, slime them!

To Be Continued in E3