EPISODE THREE SUMMARYIS THERE ANY CHEESE TO GO WITH THAT WHINE?
Previously on Survivor:
The Dreck tribe improved their challenge record to 3-0.
Boston Osten became obsessed with catching pneumonia and wanted to go home.
The Moron tribe can’t sleep. Their hut is not comfortable. They are tired. Woe is the Moron tribe.
Ryan S. was mistaken for a fishing spear and thrown into the ocean by his tribe never to be heard from again.
Moron Tribe Day 7:
Head shots of the tribe (boy does Rhino have beautiful eyes).
Andrew says, “We only have 6 tribemates left. I keep looking around for 2 more.”
Andrew, honey, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not as smart as that tree over there, because you are.
Lull is praying for her husband, her troop, her new friend Mitchell – oops I mean Ryan. She laments that she lost her new best friend at tribal council last night. Don’t worry dear. If your tribe loses another IC, you’ll see him again soon.
Andrew and Lull discuss the day’s issues: whether or not Dumb Dorrah has a personality, what a hypochondriac Boston is, how annoying Ti-whine-a is, who they’re going to prom with, where to find a live chicken to sacrifice so Jobu will help with fast ball. They’re dealing with a lot of stuff here.
Cut to Boston, who says he spoke with the good man upstairs and is not going to quit – that is, unless he catches pneumonia. Interesting. It appears the Moron’s hut has no roof but does have a second floor.
He also mentions that the tribe needs to start winning challenges. Ya gotta get up early in the morning to fool THIS guy.
Another confessional from Andrew yakking about sucking it up and winning challenges. Gee, if this tribe worked half as hard as they complained, Hagrid and his buccaneers wouldn’t stand a chance in the challenges. Andrew’s vast experience on the daytime talk show circuit has made him an expert psychologist and he’s appointed himself to be Boston’s life coach because Boston has “mental infirmities” and needs to be nursed back to the plow horse he was when he first stepped foot on the beach. Face it Andrew, you just want to make sure Boston over-performs in the next challenge so nobody will notice you’re not all that.
Andrew and Ti-whine-a are sharing some pillow talk (sans pillows). Andrew mentions something about having to get OT up for the challenge. I tell you every season of Survivor seems to get easier. This time they have internet access to check with the Blows boards before their next move. You’d think with that kind of a resource they’d show much better strategy.
Cut to Dreck (thank goodness – all the editing in the world can’t make those Morons interesting). They are trying to figure out the clues on the partial treasure map they won in the last reward challenge. There is some speculation as to the contents of the treasure. Hagrid, who is way too into the pirate theme if you ask me, hopes it’s a bottle of rum. Yo ho ho.
Trish hopes for clothes and potato chips. She doesn’t understand the pirate theme, I guess. I’m personally hoping the individuality MB took from each contestant before they were shipwrecked is in there.
We hear several non-descript people discuss how they went out looking for the treasure but didn’t find it. It looks to me like this group couldn’t poor pi$$ out of their boots if the directions were written on the sole.
Hagrid whines about the group going off without a plan and looking for the treasure in illogical places. He says, “People aren’t stupid”. Has he looked around?
Back to the Morons for tree mail.
Ti-whine-a reads the message:
People stink
Boats sink
Win the fight
Sleep well tonight
Rhino deduces that sleep must mean the reward is pillows and blankets. Now, I’ve been reading Rhino’s postings on Blows for years and expected him to be much more entertaining once he got on Survivor. Frankly, I’m disappointed.
Back to Dreck where they are discussing who should sit out for the challenge: Jon and Sandra get into a pi$$ing match over who is the weaker swimmer. Oh goodie, finally, a conflict. This looked so exciting in the previews last week. They yell, they scream, they use the f word. Christa continues napping while the argument is going on right next to her. Sandra wags her finger in Jon’s direction, but her technique falls far short of the Calloway finger wag. Heck everyone in this Survivor falls short of anyone in any previous Survivor – even Lamber had more personality than this group (note to self: read a book next Thursday at 8 pm EDT).
As the cameraperson counts Jon’s ribs, Jon bets a mill that Sandra won’t win this thing (foreshadowing? The spoilers start looking for other clues). Sandra tells the camera that Jon is an ass and everything he says is ridiculous. This is the most intelligent statement heard so far this episode. Unfortunately, Sandra reminds me of this really bossy girl that lived on my hall freshman year of college, so now I might decide to like Jon just because Sandra doesn’t.
Snapping Duck Bay - Reward Challenge:
2 boats per tribe. 3 people per boat. Sink other tribe’s boats to win. Grappling hooks are provided to pull corks out of the side of the boats. Kids – do not try this at home.
Jon and Michelle sit out. Sandra must have convinced the tribe she’s the better swimmer.
While the Morons try to figure out how to use the oars, Hagrid uses his enormity to push the Moron’s boats under water. Dreck wins easily – again. Jiffy reminds us that this is 4 victories in a row for Dreck (thanks Jiffy, nobody figured that out). Lull takes one of the pulled-out corks and plugs up Jiffy’s mouth with it. America cheers.
Moron Tribe Night 7
Andrew whines about being demoralized after losing four straight challenges. Isn’t this about the 20th confessional from this guy? There are members of Dreck we haven’t even seen yet and this guy is narrating yet again. Let’s hope this spike in face time means he and his mouth will be walking the plank soon. He says “this loss struck near and dear to our hearts because it was for sleeping materials, which is the only thing we complain about”.
Andrew says, “Boston is still not mentally 100%. We need to get him back into the game. Hagrid’s giant genes out-muscled us – the guy is a horse! My privates still hurt from hitting a tree during the first challenge. Our tribe needs to focus.” But remember folks, sleep is the only thing they complain about.
Lull still thinks their tribe is doing fine. Yeah Lull, and you’ll still be doing fine when your tribe makes you walk the plank later.
Morning Day 8
While the Morons sleep, Lull decides to go fishing by herself. Don’t they teach boy scouts never to go near the water alone?
Rhino yaks about the tribe not sticking together as a group. Some people even have their own ideas. That’s no way to run a cult, is it?
Lull says something about losing the last fish hook while getting a blow job from a fish. It’s only the 8th day on the island, Lull. What kind of nympho are you?
Andrew questions Lull’s Boy Scout knot-tying skills. My 9 year old wonders why they don’t make a new fish hook from Lull’s earrings.
Lull says she just wanted to shine a little bit. Is that so wrong?
Back at Dreck, the tribe is discussing what item to take from the Morons. Christa is elected to go take what Sandra reported to be the Morons’ one and only water pot. Hagrid, being the tender-hearted giant that he is, doesn’t want to take their only source of clean drinking water. Then, he suddenly changes personalities overdoing the whole pirate theme again and reminds everyone that they are pirates and should take whatever will hurt the most. Pillage and plunder and rifle and loot. Yo ho me hearties yo ho.
Back to the Morons again. This does not look good for them. So far the Dreck tribe (which for the record, doesn’t appear to be any more interesting than the Moron tribe) has only been shown for about 3 minutes. That must be because none of them needs a story arc before being booted tonight. It’s beginning to look like there might be an 8-2 advantage for Dreck at the merge.
Rhino is making a net to catch fish. He mentions having to become McGyver out there. You strike me as more the Tim Taylor type, Rhino. Maybe you should just stick to holding the ladder.
The Morons discuss what will happen when they get looted. Rhino bats his pretty eyes and smiles for the camera as he says he hopes the Dreck person burns their hands on the cooking pot. Now that’s closer to the Rhino we all know and love. By the way, didn’t Lizzie Bordon smile pretty while she hacked her parents? I’m just sayin’. . .
Christa arrives and is a little too friendly. She gropes everybody. They discuss the important issues of the day. Ti-whine-a asks about the mattress and pillows. Andrew says he rolls his buff into a pillow. Christa remarks what a clever idea that is. Get yourself some nasal spray honey. Christa takes one of the cooking pots, remarking in her confessional that she would have felt really, really bad if it had been their only pot. Andrew starts questioning her about her tribe and she pleads the fifth. Really, Christa, get yourself some nasal spray.
Christa leaves and the cool people immediately start talking about her. Andrew says, “I think she likes me.” Ti-whine-a says, “What a dork.” Boston says the dorky Big Bird act is phony. At the mention of Big Bird, Lull goes off by herself looking for the snuffaluffagus.
Morgan Day 8
Tree Mail inside a stick pyramid:
There is now a new member of the tribe. A flag to be brought to all challenges. Gee, if they’d kept Ryan S. around, the Morons would have a flagpole that could walk itself to the challenges.
Choose your smallest person and your biggest brute.
You need immunity so don’t be cute.
Let’s hope you’re feeling very strong.
If you’re not you won’t stick around too long.
Smallest people (Michelle and Dumb Dorrah) dangle over water in one of those baby bouncy swings inside a tripod held up by pulleys. The rest of the tribe has to hold them up by a rope. Dreck is so confident of Hagrid’s brute strength that they sit out one of their cute athletic guys (sorry I don’t know which one – they seem to be one and the same). After 5 minutes, 1 person from each tribe lets go. After 20 minutes of this, it is down to just Boston and Hagrid holding up the swing. At this point, Michelle and Dumb Dorrah are physically numb to match their normal mental states. They practice some positions from the kama sutra to pass the time.
After 90 minutes Jiffy makes the brutes stand up for the rest of the challenge. Hagrid winks. Let me tell you, this guy is huge. Rumor has it his mother was the giantess Fridwulfa. After 2 hours, Jiffy tells them they can’t rest themselves or the rope on their little sawhorses. Boston collapses and Dreck wins again.
Back at the Moron beach: whine, whine, whine, yada yada lost another challenge. Whine, whine, whine, have to go to Tribal Council again, blah, blah, blah, losing another tribe member.
Andrew tells us that he is in an alliance with Boston, Rhino and Ti-whine-a. Guess now we know who won’t be the final 4. The alliance needs to decide the batting order. Lull does all the work around here but Dumb Dorrah is eye candy. How do we decide? Andrew talks to Lull while Ti-whine-a talks to Dumb Dorrah. Lull drones on and on about all the work she does. Andrew promises Lull he’ll let her know which way the vote is going. Ti-whine-a doesn’t speak hillbilly and can’t understand a word Dumb Dorrah says. I’m beginning to understand why the Arkansas state motto is “At least we’re not Mississippi”.
At Tribal Council Jiffy tells the Morons they’re the 2002 Cincinnati Bengals of Survivor. Lull jumps up and says “Whodey gonna beat them Bengals?” Ti-whine-a says the Morons are a better tribe then Dreck. Jiffy points out that Dreck keeps reopening that can of whoopass. Rhino says a win is inevitable once they get over their slump. Jiffy points out that if the “slump” lasts much longer, there won’t be a tribe left. Andrew says 0-5 isn’t really that bad a start (must be a Cubs fan). Boston thinks they still have a chance to win (of course he does, he’s a Red Sox fan).
Jiffy asks Dumb Dorrah what her weaknesses are. “I don’t know nuttin’ about startin’ no fahrs,” she says. Darling, don’t open your mouth. The stupid comes pouring out. Just sit there and look pretty. Please.
Time to vote. Am I the only one who doesn’t care who gets voted out at this point?
Lull, Dorrah, Lull, Lull, Lull. Lull’s torch doesn’t go out the first time (the internet was jammed by spoilers analyzing this).
On the next Survivor: Christa wants somebody to go. Burton asks Hagrid to throw a challenge. Hagrid wants someone dead. Boston almost drowns searching for Dumb Dorrah’s personality in the ocean.
Lull’s final words: Whine, Whine, Whine, Deceit, lying, yada, yada, yada. Go Boy Scouts.
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"FYI- I pissed in the whirlpool!" - Hutch
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