LAST EDITED ON 03-01-10 AT 08:13 AM (EST)
And if you're unlucky enough to find yourself on the side of the highway with Louie & Michael approaching, just dive out of the car and try to land in front of incoming traffic. Ultimately, it'll be easier. 'Hey, look! It's a suspect! Sure, we don't know what they've done if anything, but that's a suspect because we pulled them over, and that means they're guilty of something because we're cops and when we say you've committed a crime, we just have to figure out which one it is! And we've got people who do that last part for us! Say, partner, what crimes do we need to make quota on this month? Anything with a maximum security sentence attached to it? Ah, let's just make something up...'
I know. You're going to say they're undercover detectives, not traffic cops. They were undercover detectives. They've spent the last few weeks exposing their faces to the world. Criminals watch TAR, y'know. 'And there's another country I could flee to, with a mass transit system no one could possibly track me through.' They are known men, and after the events of the first three episodes, they are known morons. We're going with the Dandrew Strategy: near-to-last on every leg through a combination of mental errors, physical ineptitude, and the power of raw stupid.
'Here we are, standing in line. Someone is ahead of us in this line. Let us arrest them for loitering and clear our way. We can't do that because we're in the wrong place? All right, in that case -- hey! They're holding a spot for someone else! They can't do that! No one is allowed to act with special powers unless they happen to be us! Citizen's detainment! Citizen's detainment!'
'We are carrying cans of paint looking for a house that needs painting. If people in other countries happened to be very short, they might live within tiny cracks in walls. Here is a wall. Let us paint it.'
'This cannot be a pantry. I don't see any pants.'
'I have conclusively proven that the set of directions we were given leads in a complete circle. I have done this without following them, checking the instructions against a compass, or using any actual brain cells. I will now dig a hole directly under my feet.' *repeatedly slams face into ground* 'Dig a hole, dig a hole, dig a hole...'
Rhode Island's Finest? Let's hope not. In fact, the whole Race might have just been a desperation move by their captain: if they're out of the country, then they can't do any local harm. (Unless they happen to start a war. And what are the odds of that happening? One in five, tops?) Buddy movies just aren't as much fun for the supervisors if they're actually living with the results, y'know. Turn in your badge. And your gun. And all records that you ever worked here.
So don't get pulled over in Rhode Island. And if you do and have to dive into traffic, be very careful about which car you go in front of.
Because if you're really cursed, Dan & Jordan might be driving it. And miss you.
The human pace is not a standardized measurement. The unit of Racer Stupid, however, is conducted in Dandrews.