OFFICIAL RTVW SUMMARY
The Apprentice
Episode 3 – Broken Ankle, Bruised Ego

Sorry for the delay, folks! I couldn’t figure out how to get my new remote control to work. Sure wished that Markus would have been around to show me how to work it. Of course, he would still be talking and this summary wouldn’t be here!

On the previous episode of The Apprentice: Markus talked too much. Donald said “Markus you talk too much” at least eight different times. Sensing that this was code for something, the men all agreed that Markus talked too much and that he should be fired for their failure at a task promoting Lamborghini. However, when Project Manager Chris brought back just one person to the Board Room instead of the usual two – and he picked Markus – Trump caught Chris on the technicality that for all of Markus’ chattiness, he did not cause the men to fail. So Chris was fired and Markus was sent back to the apartment with a warning that he is not long for this game. Also, Randal was sent home to attend the funeral of his grandmother in a rare display of humanity for Trump and Rebecca broke her ankle during the ice-skating “reward” that the women’s team received. In reality, Trump hired some out-of-work NHL goons to rough up the contestants because he had heard that Survivor’s ratings spike when there is blood involved.

Markus now wants to make up for the bad rep he developed and claims that he can keep his mouth shut. Randal takes on the role of Project Manager for the men (Excel). Rebecca chooses to become Project Manager for the women’s team (Capital Edge). This is especially noteworthy because she has a broken ankle. In contests like these, your closest competitors (aka”teammates”) will be looking for any reason to get rid of you. This season of the Apprentice is especially bad. The cannibalism is so vicious this season that it had to be edited for television. The report is that at one point George was thrown into the fray just to slow these crazed people down. His offering was successful – I mean, c’mon, would you want a taste of George? Didn’t think so. Bet he tastes like a combination between over-cooked rice and boiled chicken skins. Yech.

The two teams are sent off to different places where the old people are free range instead of flocked together in pens. Their job? Teach the WWII generation how to act like they are living in the present. First, we see the men working with the geriatric people to introduce them to TIVO, camera phones and the internet. Just great. The internet is crowded enough. We really don’t need more blogs from people named Barney and Harriet describing their preference for bran cereal over fresh fruit. For refreshments at their techno expo, the guys lay out the kind of spread that makes old folks happy. Reportedly there was a lot of bran on the table.

The women are introducing the Lawrence Welk niche to big-screen tv’s and gadgets that monitor your health. At one point, Jennifer M. is doing push-ups in front of the old men so that her heart rate changes on the gizmo she’s wearing. Not sure if that did much for her, but the nearest difibulator was given a real work-out on the old men who were watching her. Jennifer W, who is supposed to be an event planner, brought in a cheap cake and some gross cookies that made George gag. Let me tell you, nothing is funnier than watching George do a spit-take. Jennifer W also failed to put out any banners that would have let the vision-impaired seniors they were targeting know exactly what was going on. If you turn your recording up loud, you can hear one old lady ask “Who died?”

Back in the Board Room, Carolyn rips into the women’s team because their expo was so lackluster. The men of Excel are patted on their collective heads by George. When the results are revealed, Capital Edge does just a little worse on the rating sheets that the senior citizens turn in. If it hadn’t been for the fact that the old men were beyond the help of Viagra, then Jennifer M’s little work-out routine may have gotten the girls over the hump, so to speak. A perfect response from one of the seniors: "Thanks for the pretty girls, informed technicians would have helped."

The guys are asked if they want to give Randal immunity on the next challenge since he led them to victory this round. They unanimously voted yes. For the record, letting the group vote on whether or not the successful Project Manager has immunity the following week is a good thing. Here’s why: the dysfunctional dynamics that already exist within these “teams” of self-serving competitors can only be made more enjoyable to watch when a loop like this is thrown into the pack. Every opportunity for setting someone up to play the revenge card later on is smart tv.

The men are sent to a hospital to give away gifts “worth thousands of dollars” to children suffering from a variety of illnesses. Yo, Trump! If you want us to believe that you are a philanthropist, give some money to the folks working on a cure for Lyme Disease or something. We aren’t impressed by your product placement posing as charity.

In the Board Room, Rebecca defends her buddy Toral even though she struggled with the simple menu program of the big-screen tv during the challenge. Toral then proceeds to tell the boss and his flunkies that the other girls are barely capable of being her secretary in the real world. Trump basically says to Rebecca, please bring Toral back so that I can send her sorry ass home in a sling. It is so obvious that Toral is a tumor within the women’s team that the American Cancer Society has started a walk for people who have come into contact with her. Unfortunately, Rebecca finds a place to rest her ailing foot when she stupidly tells Trump that she does not think any of the women has a chance of winning this competition. Therefore, Rebecca says that she wants to keep her integrity intact and instead of leaving Toral on the chopping block she decides to bring back Jennifer W and Jennifer M. Jennifer W was an obvious failure, but why did she bring back Jennifer M? She wouldn’t carry the lame Rebecca around on her back like Toral did for a few days. Rebecca sticks her own neck in a noose so that all of America can see what a good person she is. Becky, sweetie, no one gives a flying rat’s ass what kind of person you are. We tune in to these shows to see people make spectacles of themselves. If we wanted to see integrity, we would watch…well, we would turn on…does anyone know where one might go for some integrity? In any case, we’re not watching a show featuring Donald Trump if we care about integrity.

So, Toral is safe and Trump mockingly tells her to enjoy her high-rent view while her friend goes to the mat for her. Shouldn’t be too hard; all you have to do is kick out her crutches. Anyway, Jennifer W. pitches a fit that she is in trouble for the part she played in the women’s failure. She actually wails and punches her pillow. It is not fun to listen to or watch. If this were a Disney movie featuring Hillary Duff it would be okay. But in a reality tv contest, whiners go home. And so Rebecca and the fabulous Jennifer duo go back to the Board Room. Trump rails against his inability to fire Toral (Martha would have drug her back in regardless) but he tells Rebecca that he appreciates her loyalty. The failure of the task is laid on Jennifer W and she is fired.

Stay tuned next week for more hilarity when The Donald can’t find his pants! Oh yeah, and someone else gets fired.

A Cyggie siggie!