{Last time on Fear Factor: if you don't know, you probably don't want to know. If you do know, you probably didn't believe it. And if you believed it, I have no idea why you actually came back for Part II. We're all just a little out of sorts here, and it's going to take some serious work to get back to anything approaching normal. Honestly, just look at Joe. You'd think he'd hold up better than anyone, given what he's been through (mostly by proxy) since this series started, and yet -- well...}

Joe: 'I'm Joe Rogan, and this, God help us, is still Reality Stars Fear Factor. The stunts you are about to see were designed by trained professionals. They are extremely dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone, anywhere, any time. Given that, you might be wondering why we're trying them at all. And to that, I've got only one thing to say: have you seen what's still competing?' *sighs* 'Tell me something. Has anyone else in reality television history ever requested the cancellation of their own show? Because I'm not doing this again, NBC? You see this?' *displays arms, which have several unhealthy-looking red streaks and small blisters* 'Contact with Jonathan. I've eaten bugs, I've been tear-gassed, I've had to go through an endless parade of model wanna-bes on this show, and this finally got me. The doctor said it could take months to heal completely, if it ever does. The anti-magic shell held up against Voldemort, but you couldn't think to protect me from Jonathan's Botox touch? I want out. No, wait. Even better. I am out. As per my contract, I'm finishing this season, and then that's it. You do not have the money, the stunts, or the really attractive female contestants to keep me around. You know, if you didn't want to give me that last raise, you only had to say something...' *sighs again, looks tired* 'Deep mental exhaustion always makes me hungry. Do we have any tomato hornworms around?'

{Can we get back to normal now, please? Roll opening credits.}

{When the credits clear, we are somewhere on a lakefront beach in presumably-California on a bright and sunny day, with the four remaining teams of two walking steadily towards their next bunch point stunt, whatever that turns out to be. Once again, the teams have been color-coordinated, and you kind of have to wonder about that because even people this self-involved shouldn't need any extra help to remember who their partners are. (Well, maybe the banished ones, but that's about it.) The walk is silent, contains absolutely no confessional-tells, spontaneous singing, or 'Fair Play' gestures, and ends at the two-tier waiting stands.}

Joe: 'Can we agree to not talk about last week ever again? Because just thinking about -- those two -- makes me feel like I've been lightly coated in scum.'
All contestants, choral response: 'Absolutely.'
Joe: 'In that case, let's heavily-edited review. No, wait. That'll take too long. Let's heavily-edited sum up. Remaining are Jon & Twila in seeing-red, Craig & Tana in make-the-green, Anthony & Carmen wearing maybe-Paula-is-sober-enough-to-spot-this-orange, and lastly, Mike & Trishelle, who have donned we're-on-another-series-and-aren't-you-blue. Those last two got the fastest time in yesterday's stunt, so they've picking today's order. You should really all start kissing up now.'
Jon: *applies lip gloss*
Anthony: 'Bit of advice, Mike. It burns the worst six hours later.'
Joe: 'So is everyone enjoying themselves?'
All contestants, choral response: 'A lot more than we were this time last week.'
Joe: 'Twila, are you now happy to be partnered with Jon?'
Twila: (rolls eyes): 'It burns the worst after the show hits the airwaves.'
Joe (rubbing at his arms): 'Tell me about it...'

{You know what this situation needs? Some good old-fashioned Fear Factor potential foreshadowing and/or false impressions, courtesy of c-t!}

Mike (c-t): 'You notice how Jon looks like he was out partying until three in the morning and still hasn't gone to bed yet? That's because he was out partying until three in the morning and hasn't gone to bed yet. Well, he calls it a party. The rest of us call it 'trying to defecate on every bed in the hotel'. Personally, we all slept in the lobby.'
Trishelle (c-t): 'Look at that ridiculously skinny body. Where does he keep it all?'

Craig (c-t): 'Everyone thinks Twila would be better off with someone who likes to compete as much as she does. Or a trained monkey.'
Tana (c-t): 'Didn't we sell trained monkeys on one task?'
Craig (c-t): 'No, we were trying to sell Brian and Michael.'
Tana (c-t): 'Oh. Well, it's an easy mistake.'

Twila (c-t): 'Could you be any more hungover?'
Jon (c-t): 'It's part of my master plan. They'll think I'm physically weak and mentally ill-prepared to adapt, a one-trick trash-talking pony with broken withers and a mane that needs to be torn out at the roots, and then -- they'll lose!'
Twila (c-t): 'What does that have to do with finishing the stunts in a good time?'
Jon (c-t, apparently not paying attention): 'Then, after I get you to hand over your half of the grand prize for my tante's medical treatments...'

{Back in mainstream:}

Joe: 'Mike, Trishelle, how are you feeling about your position today, you competitive animals, you?'
Mike: 'Don't try to sweet-talk me, Joe. I'm not giving you another shower.'
Joe: 'But it still burns... and speaking of burning, in that Doug Benson segue way, let's talk about your next stunt! Follow me closely, boys, girls, and whatever Dalton is.'
Jon: 'Hey!'
Craig: 'No, seriously. Dude, what are you?'
Jon: 'I can't afford the tests until twenty-eight more people beat me up.'
Joe: 'We'll try to get a fund going. Right now, look out at that lake. See the houseboat? We're about to set it on fire. You'll ride a waterski out to two floating spheres, then swim from there to the houseboat, get on board, and use the fire extinguisher which we probably remembered to set out for you on one of the floats to clear a path to the interior. There, you'll find Osten.'
Twila: 'Osten'?
Joe (shrugs): 'We wanted to use a dummy, but he really wanted to be on the show and he's cheaper... Carry Osten out to the deck. Our mandatory helicopter will pick you up and ask you to jump out near a rescue basket. You can throw Osten out first if you really want to, but it's probably easier if you jump with him, just in case he drowns again. Get Osten in the raft, bring it to shore, and place him in the waiting ambulance to stop the clock.'
Tana: *raises her hand*
Joe: 'Yes?'
Tana: 'Does he have to be alive when we finish?'
Joe: 'Not really. But the rigor mortis probably won't set in fast enough to hinder the other teams.'
Tana: 'Damn.'
Joe: 'Now, no one is going to be eliminated today, because we've still got another episode to get through after this and we've got to keep the victim count high. Instead, the fastest team will win two of the waterskis we're promoting today, plus ten thousand dollars, which is easily enough to gas them up three times each. Given all that -- Mike, Trishelle, who's going first?'
Mike: 'Craig & Tana, because they did nothing on the last stunt and I can see the rust from here.'
Joe: 'That's just Tana's latest metallics line of cheap ugly beads.'

Tana (c-t): 'Yay! Mike thinks I'm a threat! The MTV stud sees me as a force! I haven't been this complimented since Donald told me I didn't deserve to live!'
Craig (c-t) 'What if he considers me to be a force?'
Tana (c-t): 'No, I'm pretty sure he's seen you work before.'

Joe: 'Well, you've both been on The Apprentice. You should be used to working with useless piles of flesh... Get out there and we'll see how you do.' {Craig & Tana depart to change into their swimsuits} 'Any predictions, crew?'
Jon: 'Last place.'
Joe: 'Any predictions for Craig & Tana?'
Jon: '...no.'

{And they're off! Craig steers the waterski, Tana rides on a raft attached to the back, and if only no one was driving and we had two rafts, we'd have the perfect visual metaphor for their original reality appearances. The waterski is fairly fast and drops them off at the floats around the 0:14 mark (and how were they planning on keeping those things from ramming into the opposite bank, anyway? They just jumped off with the motor still going!), leaving both Apprentii to swim for it. Craig goes to get the fire extinguisher off the float while Tana heads straight for the houseboat, and gee, this really is a reversal of their normal specialty. But if the stunt was starting a fire, demanding someone else put it out, and then shifting all the blame for the inferno, there would have been no point in having it: just hand over the prize and see what tomorrow has in store for them, besides being fired. Tana reaches the platform floating behind the houseboat (a safe area to start taking out the fire from) at 1:15, with Craig a little behind her at 1:22. And yes, for the record and for the first time on reality television in what seems like years, a male of African descent has gone for a swim with nothing bad happening. Normally this would be good for a 'Finally! The stupid stereotype takes a hit!', but it is Craig, so no one cares, at least for one more stunt.}

{Putting out the fire is the work of six seconds, but there's an extra twist to the stunt: the contestants have to break down doors as they work through the houseboat towards Osten. Craig does his best, but this slows them down, and they don't reach the useless pile of flesh until 2:19 hits the clock. Naturally, there's some trouble waiting inside.}

Osten: 'Can't -- breathe. Can't -- move. Can -- whine...'
Craig: *hits Osten with the fire extinguisher*
Osten: '...oooh...' *passes out*
Tana: 'What did you do that for?'
Craig: 'Did you see that season?'

{The Apprentices carry Osten's limp body to the roof, where the helicopter swoops in to pick them up at 2:55. Interestingly, the clock does not temporarily stop for the air ride: as it's a variable not under the contestants' control, the challenge team will frequently remove helicopter travel time from the total. But this time, the seconds continue to count off as Craig does the practical thing and just tosses Osten's limp body into the water near the drop zone at 3:12 before jumping out after it. Of course, it takes a lot of effort to drag dead weight, so the non-Survivor doesn't get loaded into the raft until 4:48, and Tana moves to the front, grabs a drag harness, and starts towing the raft to shore. Of course, that's just Tana. Tana sometimes does things on tasks, although usually the wrong way. Craig? Did you have to ask?}

Mike: 'Does it look like Craig's doing anything?'
Joe: 'He's sort of pushing the rescue basket at the back whenever the wash from the helicopter nudges his body against it... it looks like he's wiped.'
Jon: 'Twila, they're in better shape than we are. How am I supposed to trash-talk a helicopter?'
Twila: 'They're in better shape than you are. But so's Osten.'
Jon: *breaks down in tears*
Twila: 'I'm sorry... that went too far...'
Jon: 'I may never forgive you... never...'
Twila: 'What can I do to make this right?'
Jon: 'Your half of the prize money would be a good start.'

{Craig & Tana finally stagger into the ambulance (with Tana doing most of the work) to stop the clock at 7:03.1. There is no time subtraction granted for Craig initially trying to occupy the ambulance instead of Osten.}

Craig (c-t): 'I thought I was going to be okay with the not working out and still having the young body with the young mind and the complete and utter delusion of being the best that Donald never managed to shatter and the endless run-on sentences which I still somehow have the strength for...'
Twila: (c-t): 'The woman on the team did more than the man. I've never seen that before, except sitting a foot to the side.'
Jon (near-exact quote): 'Yeah, she carried the dummy and the dummy!'

{Craig & Tana return to the stands.}

Joe: 'Well, the good news is, you completed the stunt. The really good news is, you accidentally towed Osten through the water while he was face-down, and he signed away any right his ghost has to complain about it.'
All contestants: *twenty minutes of hyper-intensive cheering*
Craig: 'Accident? Accident for a brother that made every other brother look bad? Yeah, right. 'Accident.' Whatever you say.'
Joe (grins): 'As if I care. Now, was that harder or easier than facing Donald?'
Tana: *faints*
Joe: 'Answers that. And now for a Fear Factor first: dead body hauling when that body does not belong to Jon! Mike, who's up next?'
Mike: 'Tonight, I would like to hear Anthony & Carmen perform.'
Joe: 'Good, because it gives me a chance to ask a question. Anthony, what's that weird deep scar on your neck? It looks like someone carved a hollow out of your throat.'
Anthony: 'That's because they did. I had to have an emergency tracheotomy done when I was a kid.'
Joe (disbelief): 'And you still managed to become a singer?'
Anthony: 'Yeah.'
Joe: 'And you didn't win?'
Anthony: 'There's no sob story factor on American Idol. But I am learning a few jokes.'
Joe: 'Smart man. Stand by while we reset the corpse.'

{Anthony & Carmen use the time to change and discuss strategy -- Carmen wants to drag the body instead of lifting it -- while Joe takes predictions from the others. Jon thinks the Idols are too young and dumb to realize this is supposed to be hard, and will just blow through it without thinking. And if there's anything Jon knows, it's dumb.}

{The Idols start the stunt on one quick, strong note: they bail from the waterski very close to the floats. Carmen heads straight for the platform and reaches it at 0:58, but Anthony has trouble getting the extinguisher off his float and doesn't join her until 1:30. Naturally, Craig is quick to offer advice.}

Craig (Halfway to an exact quote): 'Pace yourself, Anthony. Think it out. Breathe... through your neck...'

{Anthony uses the extinguisher as a ram to take out the first door, and Carmen breaks through the second with her hands. From this point on, she's absolutely inspiring. See her drag Osten's body around! See her ram it into roof bumps, helicopter landing struts, toss it into the water, and generally abuse it with no regards for how it'll look at the funeral whatsoever! See her (and Anthony) lose time, getting on the helicopter at 2:41 and somehow still not jumping off until 3:12, and yes, that's why they generally stop the clock for this sort of thing! But the Idols make up some seconds by getting the body loaded quickly -- and then lose it all back, and then some. They're young and strong. Why, they can stand on stage for hours without dropping. Swimming, carrying, and pushing are different things entirely. So while they strain and reach down for every bit of energy they've got, they just don't have the raw physical stamina that having to complete sixteen one-hour commercials can give you -- and the clock doesn't stop until the Idols hit the ambulance at 7:20, well out of the prize running.}

Joe: 'What happened?'
Carmen: 'I think it would help if you yelled at me and told me I didn't deserve to be here, preferably in a British accent.'
Joe: 'Sorry, you're actually being judged on performance and not fan base here. Can't do it.'
Carmen: 'Damn.'
Joe: 'And there goes half your fan base. Mike, call it.'
Mike: 'Us. Now I know we've got it locked up. Why wait?'
Joe (looks at the Survivors, still to come): 'Good point. Vital hint, Anthony: always save the biggest joke for last. Hey, Trishelle -- with all the semi-stunts you've done over on MTV, I'd think you'd be an old hand at this. A really, really old hand. How does this compare?'
Trishelle (exact quote): 'I don't think we've ever done anything this tiresome.'
Joe: 'And if there's anything you know, it's tiresome.'
Trishelle: 'You don't love me any more!' *runs off crying*
Joe: '...is that normal?'
Mike: 'Define 'normal'.'
Joe: 'Good point.'

{Mike gives Trishelle a pep talk while Tana complains in mainstream and c-t both -- afraid that the Real Worlders can beat their time easily in mainstream, given Mike's ability to toss dead bodies around like kindling, and c-t wishing Mike would drop the whole 'the Miz' thing and then go home to his mother, who gave him the name 'Mike' and who's probably very upset about the whole thing. It's not a concern, Tana. Do you really think anyone in that whole family is capable of shame?}

{The Real Worlders start off -- and immediately prove that while strength is nice, the ability to pay attention to something other than yourself doesn't hurt. Trishelle is busy posing for the camera on the back of the waterski and misses the jump point, not going into the water until two seconds after Mike does -- two seconds that, on a waterski, carry her a lot of extra distance from the boat. Luckily for her, she's a lean, mean, swimming machine, and makes up the time in a hurry, reaching the platform at 0:58. Unfortunately, her partner is not. Mike's a big man, and body mass works against you in distance swimming: the more muscle you have, the more you've got to propel. You don't see weightlifters in the Olympic pool, and Mike demonstrates why: he doesn't reach the platform with the extinguisher until 1:20 -- and then wastes twenty seconds trying to pull his considerable weight up onto it, repeatedly slipping back down into the water. High-speed swimming is an exhaustive activity for big men, and Mike's already given a lot of what he had to offer. Problem...}

{A frustrated Mike punches his way through the back door, making up some time in getting Osten's body (which is now starting to smell -- you have to see the expression here) up to the roof. He's still got enough strength to manhandle the former less-than-man, and the threesome (one alive, one dead, one brain-dead) reach the helicopter at 2:35, ahead of the pace. But more swimming awaits -- and so does luck. Whether it's good fortune or world-class timing, Mike manages to drop Osten's corpse virtually on top of the rescue basket, leaving it floating only a foot away. After that, once he and Trishelle are in the water at 2:54, it's just a matter of telling his body not to drop dead until it gets another twenty assorted seasons in, and his body has been listening to that for a long time without realizing he's been lying all along. Mike does the towing (and practically has to pull Trishelle along as well, as she's just lazily backstroking her way along at the side of the raft), and still has enough to drag the basket and body (and Trishelle) up to the ambulance. There's a little trouble getting the basket shoved in because the medics are afraid they'll be asked to try and resuscitate Osten and they're pushing the other way, but Mike gives one last heave, and the clock stops at 6:07.01. The Real Worlders are in the lead. Actually, they've won, because...}

Joe: 'And guess who that leaves? Jon, give me a prediction for yourself.'
Jon (exact quote): 'I like our chances.'
Joe: 'Well, stranger things have happened. I can't think of any, but I'm sure that somewhere, somehow, on some unholy day... Get out of here and get going. I need the laugh.' {The Survivors depart.} 'Tana, do you think Twila looks upset?'
Tana: 'I think she's wondering if she'd have been better off teamed up with Osten.'
Joe: 'As hard as this is to believe, no. But just barely. But yeah, she'd be happier with another partner. And it looks like Anthony would be too.' {The camera swings around to show Anthony -- who's giving Trishelle a back rub.}
Anthony: 'Umm... I've been a fan for a long time -- a really, really long time...'
Trishelle: 'Shut up and keep rubbing, blondie.'

Mike (c-t): 'You slut.'
Trishelle (c-t): 'I know I am, but what are you?'
Mike: 'He's young... he's cute... he's breathing under Craig's tutelage.'
Trishelle (c-t, exact quote): 'I don't know if I could do American Idol.'
Mike (c-t): 'Why not? You've done everyone else.'
Trishelle (c-t, thoughtful): 'Good point. I could take one for the team...'
Mike: 'I've seen his audience. You're taking one for the teens.'

{Meanwhile, over at the changing area...}

Jon: 'Look, you see Osten's body?'
Twila: 'Yeah.'
Jon: 'It's inspirational. Let's quit.'
Twila: '...what?'
Jon: 'Look, it's a non-elimination stunt. We can't get knocked out for not doing it. I'm the biggest wimp in reality television history. We can't beat their time and win the prize. All I'll do is exhaust myself and be good for nothing tomorrow.'
Twila: 'But if you're already the biggest wimp --'
Jon (hastily): 'I'll be more up for tomorrow on two days of saved no-strength!'
Twila: 'I -- guess that makes sense. But you have to make me a promise. No partying tonight so you'll be fresh in the morning.'
Jon: 'I swear on my sixteen illegitimate children that I will not party tonight.'
Twila: 'You've had sex sixteen times?'
Jon: 'You've never met DAW stalkers, have you? And eight of them were from multiple births.'
{Joe approaches.}
Joe: 'As much as I don't want to see Jon in a swimsuit, I have to ask why we're not seeing it yet.'
Jon: 'We're being strategic.'
Joe: 'I want a laugh.'
Jon: 'I want to not be dead.'
Joe: 'You're the only one.' *sighs* 'Let's go back.'

{And, at the stands...}

Mike: 'Wimp.'
Jon: 'Fool.'
Mike: 'Say what?'
Jon: 'You should have gone last. That way, we would have had to complete the stunt, and you would have exhausted me.'
Mike: 'Like you wouldn't have quit from third position?'
Jon: 'That's not the point. Wait. That is the -- what?'
Mike: 'Twila, how can you put up with this?'
Twila: 'He promised me he wouldn't party tonight.'
Mike: 'Let's take this really slowly. Jon Dalton -- made you -- a promise -- which you -- believed?'
Twila (suddenly doubtful): '...wait...'

Mike (c-t, imitating Jon): 'Hi, I'm the biggest liar in reality television history. Trust me!'
Trishelle (c-t): 'Suddenly, you're more sexy than ever.'
Mike (c-t): *vomits*

Jon: 'I can be trusted not to party! It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done, outside of pretending I'm an interesting person who deserves to be on this show, but...'
Joe: 'Side bets?'
All contestants but Jon: *put cash into betting pool*
Joe: 'Sweet. See you tomorrow.'
Mike (c-t): 'People ask me, 'Mike, how can you still be doing reality shows at your advanced television age? Don't you want a real life?' And do you know what I say to that? Dude! Waterskis!'
All members of the audience, everywhere: 'Thank you, Mike. Now shut up.'

{The camera transitions to the next day, and we're somewhere in an industrial park late at night. The contestants walk through the maze of pipes, c-ting all the way. And there's only one thing on their minds.}

Twila (c-t): 'Look at Jon! He's got color in his cheeks!'
Jon (c-t): 'Makeup.'
Anthony (c-t): 'I think he's actually alive. And yet, he's still showing no brain activity.'
Carmen (c-t): 'Schiavo!'
Anthony (c-t): '...please don't.'
Craig: 'Jon looks twice as good as usual. Twice nothing is still nothing.'
Jon (c-t): 'I did not party. I am very proud of me.'
Mike (c-t): 'I went out to a nightclub last night, and guess who I saw? Jon and his booze and his mandatory carton of ciggies per day. But surely I must have been hallucinating, for good little honest Jon would never do such a thing.'
Jon (c-t): 'Okay, I drank and smoked a little. But I was in bed by eleven, and I never do that. And if I'm drinking and smoking in bed, it's not partying, right?'
Trishelle (c-t): 'I hear nothing you do in bed could ever be considered a party. At least, not of more than one.'
Jon (c-t): '(Censored)'.
Twila (c-t): 'But -- but -- he still has color in his cheeks!'
Jon (c-t): 'I got hit in the face a few times last night. Made eighty bucks!'

Joe: 'Jon, let's talk about partying. Did you?'
Jon: 'No.'
Joe: 'Mike, did he?'
Mike: 'Yes.'
Jon: 'It was one margarita, one beer, and then I went to bed. I'm still proud of me!'
Joe: 'Ladies and gentlemen, the Jon Dalton Breakfast Of Champions. Okay, who had two drinks and one nightclub? Carmen? A hundred and sixty bucks. Remember to put that on your taxes.'
Carmen: 'I'm so proud of Jon.'
Twila: 'I'm proud of him, too!'
Joe: '...Twila?'
Twila: 'It's amazing. I can actually feel my standards getting lower. And I'm happy about it!'
Joe: 'Oh, God, it's contagious... We'd better lock you in an isolation booth. But as luck would have it, that's the next stunt! Look behind me. See that moderately large clear plastic cube floating in the middle of the tank? The women are going in that, and they'll be joined by a mixture of roaches, worms, beetles, and maggots. Now the cube is airtight, so they're not getting out, and the water isn't getting in. On the other hand, it's airtight, and you're underwater, so -- well, you do the math. I hope the men can do it, because they'll have to free their partners by diving into the water wielding wirecutters. There's four safety lines and four release catches. Cut and pull them all to send the cube to the surface and stop the clock. The slowest team will be eliminated. The fastest team gets no prize or order-picking reward. Now, we've --' *starts giggling* '-- 'randomly' selected --' *doubles over with laughter for three minutes, then finally manages to straighten up* '-- tonight's order, and guess who came up lucky number one?'
Jon (sarcastically): 'I have no idea.'
Joe: 'We're about to see that proven.'
Jon: 'Hey, back off, man! I can totally do this!'
Joe: 'With smoker's lungs and a liver that officially qualifies as a pickled beet?'
Jon: 'As of one second ago, I don't smoke! And I'll have you know I used to be a lifeguard!'
Joe: '...a lifeguard.'
Jon: 'Right!'
All contestants except Jon, plus the host: *back away from Jon as thunder rumbles ominously overhead*
Jon: 'Lifeguard. Really.'
Twila: 'I have faith in Jon. The sky is purple. Stephenie was the greatest Survivor ever. There should be an All-Stars Two.'
Joe: 'Go change while we find some rubber to stand on.'

{Jon & Twila depart.}

Mike: 'Jon the lifeguard. Who here would rather die than take a chance on being saved by him?' *eight hands go up* 'Thought so.'
Joe: 'I guess he could have been in charge of saying 'Look! Someone's drowning!'
Tana: 'Or spreading suntan lotion.'
Joe: 'No, this would have been before his DAW days. Who would have let him touch them? What do you all think of his chances?'
Tana: 'I think he'll get it done.'
Joe: 'You're just a little bit insane, aren't you?'
Tana: 'Just a little... Oh, did you like my brochure? It's round!'

{The Survivors change, Jon shoots off a Fair Play, Twila gets in the cube -- it's large enough for all the women, but you have to crouch: not enough room to sit in or stand -- and has the creepy crawlies dumped in with her. This is not a problem for Twila. Twila cleans up roadkill for a living. Plus she's just spent a few days with Jon, so this is a step up. The cube is submerged, Jon gets counted down -- and he's off! And for the first minute, all is actually well. Jon's biggest vulnerability seems to be a lack of lung capacity, which is a little surprising for a trash talker: he goes under and cuts the first wire by the 0:11 mark, then has to surface and breathe for twenty seconds before he can go back down and pull the first release catch. Still, he's a quarter of the way through at the minute mark, and it looks like the Survivors will at least get a non-embarrassing time in and minimize the bug bites Twila's taking with every passing second. The problem is that the breathing sessions just keep getting longer and longer. And, just for variety, longer still. Jon's spending four times the seconds on the surface that he is underwater, shooting for five, and making six. And he's making another mistake. He's listening to the other teams. They're not trash talking him, they're encouraging him, telling him he can do it --but he's talking back to them. Responding. Wasting still more time and oxygen. They're counting him down to his next dive attempt, and at one point, he waits for their go before heading under. Jon is being hoist on his own petard, and really, who knew he had enough to lift him by? So in the end, between the weak oxygen reserves of a recent non-smoker and a pair of freshly-working ears, the pitiful diving efforts (and extensive inhaling ones) go on long enough to stretch out the stunt for minute after minute -- until the cage finally hits the surface at the 8:05.0 mark.}

Jon (exact quote, and a reality TV first): 'I'm sorry...'
Twila: 'You did good! I didn't die!'
Jon: 'I'm very sorry...'

Joe (finally stops laughing): 'I feel so much better about my life. Anthony & Carmen, you're next.'
Anthony: 'I can do better than that.'
Carmen: 'Bug bites! Bug bites on my precious face!'
Trishelle: 'You get used to it.'
Mike: 'You didn't get used to it until after our fourth date.'

{Carmen, in a semi-practical one-piece swimsuit with partial leg covers (and a stupidly exposed back), is in better exposure shape to face the bugs than Twila was in wearing something that exposed cleavage. Mental shape is something else entirely. She doesn't take the presence of her new friends well, and starts calling for Anthony to hurry while she's still being lowered. Anthony is warming up the only way he can: by singing. However, if it's a known song, it costs money to air, so...}

Joe: 'Anthony, the producers have asked you to stop singing.'
Jon (exact quote): 'Just like America did!'
Joe: *high-fives Jon* (Hey, it was a good line.)
Jon (exact quote): 'Cover up that hole in your throat. I wouldn't want you to drown!'
Anthony: 'Hello, Mr. All Talk, No Action. Nice to see you back in your ridiculously skinny form.'
Jon: 'Thanks! -- hey!'

{The clock starts -- and guess what? Anthony's lungs are used to channeling an impressive amount of air through intensive activity. As such, he's able to stay underwater long enough to cut two wires and pull their matching catches on one breath, and he's back under the surface by 0:44 to do some more work. Carmen stays roughly calm in the cube with a few notes of her own, serenading the beetles in her hair as Anthony dives, cuts, and pulls -- sending her to the surface at 1:16.1. (Jon thinks this is reasonably close.) Carmen does a few 'Yeah-yeah-yeah's as she's removed from the cube -- I don't watch AI: is that normal for her? -- and Craig & Tana are up next.}

Joe: 'Twila, any advice?'
Twila: 'Don't have Jon as a partner.'
Tana: 'Got it covered.'
Trishelle: 'The smell from the bugs... gonna pass out...'
Mike: 'Pretend it's a producer's aftershave.'
Trishelle (on automatic pilot): 'My, you look so handsome in that combover!'
Joe: 'Anthony, you've given up your throat-warming towel to Trishelle to keep her warm! How gentlemanly of you!'
Anthony: 'Marry me.'
Trishelle: 'What?'
Anthony: 'We can have beautiful DAW children together!'
Joe: 'Oh, look at this! We have a little cross-team romance going!'
Anthony: 'I love your face. Your personality. Your figure. Your total TV time.'
Trishelle: 'This is all so sudden...'
Mike: 'Yeah, dude. It's traditional to buy her a drink first.'

{Little hearts float up from Anthony's head, and the camera goes into an Anthony/Trishelle fantasy sequence. This is not a joke. This is actually what happened. I'd describe it, but -- it's an Anthony/Trishelle fantasy sequence. What would make you think I hated you that much?}

Trishelle: 'Yeah, I'm definitely going to need that drink first. Just for tradition.'
Anthony: 'But -- I'm a failed AI contestant. I have no money.'
Trishelle: 'Too bad, so sad. But come back after you find some quarters.'

{Fantasy sequence very abruptly ends.}

Jon (c-t, exact quote): 'Do I think Anthony's got a shot with Trishelle?' *shrugs, spreads hands* 'I think anybody's got a shot with Trishelle.'
Carmen (c-t): 'I know we're just partners for this show. I know we're not dating, nor will we ever be dating, because you have no taste. But just for the sake of my ego, do you think you could stare mindlessly at me for a little while?'
Anthony (c-t): 'Who are you again?'

{Tana strips down to a simply idiotic bikini -- honestly, which show did she think she was coming on? When those bugs start biting, she's going to wish she'd been on Survivor -- DAW! The assorted vertebrae-free friends get dumped on Tana --}

Tana: 'Hi, Verna! Nice to see you again!'

{-- and the stunt begins. Tana spends her cube time begging for Craig to hurry and openly regretting her choice of swimwear. Craig spends his time telling Mark Burnett to go to hell by destroying the 'no black male on a reality show can swim' stereotype forever. This is what Craig does: he gets three of the wires cut (and two of the releases pulled) on one breath. He spends less than two seconds on the surface getting fresh oxygen before going back down again. The man can't sell, plan. strategize, or talk in a straight line, but when it comes to underwater action, he is Joe's highest compliment personified: an animal, and that animal happens to be a dolphin. With Tana watching through half-closed eyes and pleading for her friend to rescue her, Craig gets the job done and sends his partner to the surface at 1:07.3, taking the lead. Tana immediately declares that she loves him. Donald immediately gets an idea for another Broadway musical.}

Joe: 'Mike, Trishelle, you're up. Jon, any last words before they make it official?'
Jon: 'Umm... I am such a stud?'
Twila: *covers her face with her hands*
Joe: 'Replace the first two letters with 'd' and you're there. Craig, Tana, welcome back! Craig, how did you not get hired?'
Craig: 'The underwater casino isn't going to be built for another two years.'
Joe: 'Huh. And here I thought 'Trump Marina' was -- well, never mind.'
Mike: 'You get just a little bit soused at the poker table, don't you?'
Joe: '...just a little.'

{Mike and Trishelle change solely so they can show off another new swimsuit each, Trishelle manages to give the camera a cute look while sealed into an airtight plastic cube with a thousand little friends -- now that's camera experience -- and we get the mere formality over with. Do you need details? No, probably you don't. You probably didn't need to read this summary either, but I'm feeling thankful for your presence, so we'll keep it short: it's Mike doing the work, and he's done it a hundred times on a thousand shows before this. Here's what you need to know: Mike is also an animal, and he's a whale. Four wires. Four catches. One breath. Thirty-eight seconds.}

Joe {exact quote}: 'That was longer than some of Trishelle's relationships.'
Anthony: 'Don't go dissing on my girl! I'll kick your butt!'
Joe: 'I'm thinking he's decided he's cute when he's delusional.'

{Mike & Trishelle return.}

Joe: 'Mike, you are an animal. Jon, you are a bacteria, and the biggest pill on reality television has just wiped you out.'
Jon (sniffling): 'Tell me -- tell me you'll miss my trash talk.'
Joe: 'I'll miss your trash talk.'
Jon: *breaks down crying*
Joe: 'Man, I've got this 'lying' stuff down.'
Jon: 'You -- you lied to me?'
Joe: 'What can I say? You're a role model.'
Jon: 'I thought we had something together!' *runs off crying*
Joe (exact quote): 'Twila, I'm sorry it had to work out this way, and I'm sorry you had Jon as your partner.'
All other contestants, choral response: 'So are we.'
Twila: 'Can I get Osten next time?'
Joe: 'Nah. He doesn't whimper loud enough anymore. See ya!'

Jon (c-t): 'I am a wimp. I am a shell of a man. I have no strength. I have no speed. All my talking is a cover for my thousands of inadequacies. I have tried every genitalia enhancement product on the market and they all failed. I wish I was dead. But Twila loves me anyway. Right, Twila? Please say you love me? Please?'
Twila (c-t): *breaks Jon's chicken neck with one easy twist*
Jon (c-t): 'Wow! Human contact at last!' *dies*

Joe: 'Next week, we'll give out another prize, push another sponsor, torture six people because we can, and one of you three teams will get to split $150,000 among your surviving heirs. Now let's get the women showered off because God, do they ever stink.'
Anthony: 'I call shotgun on Trishelle's shower!'
Carmen: *rips off swimsuit*
Anthony: 'Do I know you?'

{Peace, over and out. Y'know, if she'd just done that on AI, she would have tripled her vote count...}