THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN HOLLYWOOD

Well, I know several of you are probably saying that its only the case because they shut that Heidi Fleiss broad down a few years ago, and you’re probably right, but shut up anyway. If you don’t like it go ahead and stop reading this thing right now. In fact, you should probably stop reading this summary right now no matter what you thought of the title. After all, it’s bad enough you actually spend your summers watching this show three nights a week...now you want to waste even more of your time reading about the crap you already saw. What’s wrong with you? Besides, every second you spend reading this summary is one second you could’ve spent glued to your 12" monitor watching the not at all completely boring live feeds for this crapsicle of a show. Just think, in the time it took you to read this paragraph of filler you could’ve been watching Josh pick wax out of his ear, Marcellus being gay to somebody or Titsya looking anxiously around the house for the nearest working camera she can stare into and pose. Seriously, its eery watching that broad on this show....she spends so much time staring straight into the cameras that I’m beginning to wonder who’s watching who. Anyway, I digress ( big shocker)....basically the point is that you should stop reading this. Besides, I much prefer to be left alone anyway.

Alright, on with this sorry excuse for a summary of this sorry excuse for a tv show. Well, I was going to just jump right in and start talking about the show, but instead I have something amazing I want, no need, to share with you. While I was doing my hours and hours of research for this summary I decided to log onto the CBS website in order to learn a little something about the new batch of media-whores....and you won’t believe what I stumbled upon. I decided to hack into the website, and no, I didn’t find the source code. But, what I did find is at least four and a half times better than that. That’s right, I happened to find the top secret transcript of an instant message chat between BB3 head honcho Arnold Shapiro and CBS top dog, Les Moonves. So, without wasting anymore time let me just go ahead and reprint that conversation right here in my summary for your reading pleasure......

AOL Instant Messanger Chat Transcript: Time Log: 7/10/02, 2:45 p.m.

Moonman69: Hey Arnie, you online right now?
Arnieincharge: Hey boss, I’m right here.....what’s shakin?
Moonman69: Well, the show starts tomorrow night and I was wondering how things are going?
Arnieincharge: Oh man, we’ve had the rats in the cage for about five days now and things couldn’t be better. WE ALREADY HAVE SPOONING!!!
Moonman69: Spooning already? That’s great! And how are the rats looking this season?
Arnieincharge: Oh, you’re gonna love this new group...some real dynamic personalities already starting to clash.
Moonman69: Clash huh, we’re not going to have another incident like last year with that meathead from New Jersey are we?
Arnieincharge: Oh, you mean Justin? Here’s the ironic thing....we actually hired him to work security on the set. If any of the rats get violent we send in Justin to defuse the situation. You should see him, he’s so excited about the job he’s foaming at the mouth.
Moonman69: Foaming at the mouth LOL, I like that, great metaphor.
Arnieincharge: No, I’m serious, he really IS foaming at the mouth.
Moonman69: Oh, well, did you at least do background checks on everyone this season?
Arnieincharge: Well, here’s the problem....we tried to but considering we were still casting for the show as late as a week ago we never really had the chance.....but our investigators were able to find out for sure that Titsya’s boobs are fake.
Moonman69: So all the girls are good looking this time? I don’t want to see another situation where the only halfway decent looking broad is voted out early and we’re stuck staring at some skank with a cold sore the size of the Gaza Strip for half the summer, capiche?
Arnieincharge: Oh don’t you worry about that boss. Just about all of them are hot, and don’t worry, the crew area of the house still has that secret private viewing room you like to observe from.
Moonman69: That’s what I like to hear Arnie, that’s what I like to hear. And if you get in trouble and you find yourself in a situation where one of the good looking ones is about to get evicted just do what Mark does and simply change the rules to make sure she stays. Ya know, this stuff ain’t rocket science.
Arnieincharge: Oh don’t worry I got that covered this season. I was talking to Mark the other day (he finally returned one of my calls !!) and he gave me all sorts of tips on manipulating the outcome of the game...and then he gave me a bag of purple rocks said “when all else fails, use these”. I don’t really know what that means yet, but hopefully we won’t reach that point anyway.
Moonman69: How bout the guys.....did you find us another Will?
Arnieincharge: Well, sort of. We got one guy who looks a lot like Will, but he acts nothing like him.
Moonman69: That’s what editing is for. Haven’t you learned that with editing you can do just about anything you want. You could make Osama Bin Laden look like Mother Teresa if you really wanted to.
Arnieincharge: Yeah, but this guy is way too on the other end of the spectrum, it just ain’t gonna happen. But, the good news is we did find someone who gives us a little Will and a little Miek Booger all wrapped into one...get ready to meet Josh.
Moonman69: Yeah, that’s fine and all, but we don’t need another guy like Will winning the 500k.
Arnieincharge: Oh don’t worry, this Josh kid is so dumb he’d fuck up a game of Operation even if he took out the batteries.
Moonman69: Good. What about our old guy stereotype, how’s that one looking?
Arnieincharge: Well, we had Price Waterhouse run a survey and it turns out that the old-racist-bitter-homophobic Kent type of look is out and instead people are looking for the old-father-figure-fun loving-family values kind of like Paschal and Rodger type of look. So, we got ourselves one of them....plus he’s fat and looks really funny in a bikini which is always a bonus.
Moonman69: Good, what about....wait a second, someone’s coming towards my office, I need to put my pants back on...................Okay, I’m back. Where was I? Oh yeah, what about the minorities....how they looking? I don’t want one of those angry hate whitey types like that guy we had on the first show.
Arnieincharge: Oh don’t worry about that. The black guy we got is not only black, but get this....he’s also gay. Get it???? He’s black, but he’s gay! So I’m sure we don’t have anything to worry about as far as him getting all uppity and attacking one of the other whores.
Moonman69: What about Stephen from the Real World Seattle? He’s black and gay but that didn’t stop him from bitch slapping that ugly disease ridden chick.
Arnieincharge: Yeah, but our guy is a stylist. And he’s gay....and he’s black. I begin LOLing just thinking about dichotomy.
Moonman69: Alright, whatever. What about the black woman on the show....can she at least speak English. I don’t want to have to pay for subtitles like we did last summer with Moronica. I swear that woman was one short stumble on the evolutionary ladder away from falling into a pack of chimpanzees.
Arnieincharge: Uhm boss, isn’t that statement a tad racist? Do you think you should really be writing such things over the computer? What if someone reads this?
Moonman69: Oh don’t worry, I’m gonna shred the transcript from this chat as soon as I finish getting rid of these Annual Financial Gains/Losses Reports. Which reminds me, I need to remember to tell those people at Anderson to start printing these spread sheets on nothing bigger than legal sized paper. Those big posters are a bitch to get through the shredder.
Arnieincharge: Okay, well, as I was saying you’re really gonna love this cast.
Moonman69: That reminds me, I talked to Mark today (he finally returned my calls also!!) and he said that if you want to you can borrow the last two Survivor winners as special guests on Big Brother.
Arnieincharge: You mean Vecepia and Ethan. Uhmmmmm, tell Mark I appreciate the offer and all, but we’re kind of totally booked solid this season. Besides, we already have our Jesus freak/Jesus lookalike quota filled with this cast. And we did em both with the same person. Plus, and tell me if this is not the most original and tantalizing storyline you’ve ever seen on a reality show, he’s a V-I-R-G-I-N!
Moonman69: And he’s surrounded 24 hours a day by beautiful women!
Arnieincharge: Exactly! Just think of the possibilities. If he ends up having sex for the first time on national tv you can name the baby “Emmy”cause that’s what we’re getting.
Moonman69: Wow Arnie.....a gay black man, a father figure old guy, an obnoxious jew, a blond with way too big fake tits, a good looking Jesus loving virgin....you’re going places this season that other reality shows wouldn’t even dream of venturing!
Arnieincharge: Thanks boss, does this mean we’re getting moved to the fall schedule when more than ten people in this Country are actually watching tv?
Moonman69: Uhm, oh hey Arnie I’ve got to run....I think Bryant Gumbal is downstairs in the lobby with an uzi, double barrel shotgun, two 9 mm glocks and 17 hand grenades......someone has to buzz him in past security.

Okay, I hope you found that as informative (at the price of entertaining) as I did. Now, on with the summary...............

Our brand new season of Big Boredom starts with me wanting to turn off the tv two seconds in when I realize that this crap is still being hosted by Julie “I haven’t left the BB compound since last season since I’ve got nowhere else to go” Chen. Julie starts us off with her usual witty-less banter, “A new season, a new house, twelve new houseguests blah blah blah.” First of all, one of the requirements of moving into a new house is that somewhere in the equation there actually IS a new house. Just putting a coat of paint over the Ikea coffee table in the living room and tossing a couple new throw pillows onto the couch does not qualify as a NEW house you stupid bitch. Oh, the hate level runneth high for this dumb whore. Alright, back to her fabulous opening speech.....”twelve people yada yada no privacy blah blah blah from Las Vegas to Superior Wisconsin, from New York City to Mobile Alabama”. Hey wait a second, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes. Isn’t there something in there about the Redwood Forest or something like that.

I’m gonna stop right now with Julie “will give head for work” Chen cause she’s already making me ill....just a second ago she actually said that the one thing the whores have in common is, “the courage to let all of America watch every move they make.” I don’t know if courage is the word I would use here. In fact, I don’t think courage would be in the top 10,000 of words I would use here. Don’t you just love how quickly it took people in the wake of the WTC collapse to once again begin trivializing such concepts as courage and things of that nature. Of course what should we expect from the show that decided it would be bad for the show to let Moronica know that her cousin may have perished in the WTC, right? I’m just waiting for someone to survive an eviction and be labeled by Julie as a hero.

Anyway, who cares cause now comes the most hilarious and equally ridiculous part of the premiere show....when BB hits the road to “surprise” the whores with the news that they are gonna be on the show. First up is the black chick and Jesus who are equally surprised to find a key to the BB house laying on the counter in their living rooms. I guess the three person camera crew that was filming the whole scene from two feet away wasn’t much of a hint.

Random Black haired slut #1 is shocked when she orders a hot dog from a corner vendor in NYC and the guy gives her the BB key in a bun instead. She’s so surprised that as she jumps forward in shock she nearly wacks her head on the boom microphone that hangs inches from her and yet is completely out of the shot. Nice work crew.

Random Blonde whore #1 is named A-Me, she’s from Memphis, and she’s just about as self absorbed as you would expect her to be, maybe even a little more so. When she gets her key she turns it around and uses it as a mirror to check herself out, and then of course she notes this fact to everybody in the room. In other words, she’s full of shit and just trying to fuck the camera with a bullshit made up persona. Not at all interesting so I’ll move on.

Jesus is next, he’s from Mobile Alabama and just to make sure that even the viewers who are hearing impaired get the point he stands in front of a fifteen foot high cross while saying, “I’m playing for a higher power.” First of all, on the big oversized cross thingie, I’m no Sigmund Freud but it sure looks to me like someone’s compensating. And second of all, on that playing for a higher power, does that mean we are to assume that if Jesus wins the 500k its all going to the church? Yeah, the day that’ll happen is the day I start letting Father Flanagan babysit my nine year old son.

Then we get, oh you know what, its really stupid to see these idiots prancing around their houses spouting corny pre-written lines so we’ll just be skipping this part. Besides, we’ve already seen this exact same crap the last two times it was on. They find out, they freak out, they pack and then they leave. Big whoop.

Now comes the part where the whores all line up in front of the house and wait for Julie “sucky sucky” Chen to give them the green light to enter. But, of course there’s a hitch. Just like last year they enter the house in groups of four and then run around trying to find the best bedroom to live in. Who cares. Anyway, the first group consists of Leasta (yes, I am well aware of the fact that I am recycling nicknames from other reality shows), A-Me, Gerryatric and Roddy/Eric (its gonna take at least two months to be able to tell those two apart). They race through the house trying to find the one bed that Krusta didn’t sleep in and end up settling for one of the two bedrooms with beds.

Next up is the other Roddy/Eric, Marcellus, Chiapet, and Whori. They almost manage to screw up this impossible brain teaser as it takes them nearly the fully allotted time just to find all three bedrooms, let alone choose one. And they only found it cause the Roddy/Eric that went first told his twin where the “hidden” bedroom was located. Geez, this is the Big Boredom house, not the Hearst mansion.....there’s only six rooms in the whole friggen place, how hard is it to find three of them?!

The third group consists of Jesus, Titsya, Josh and Danielle and they end up in a bedroom that has army cots instead of beds. Wow, that was really, really funny.

Next up the whores gather around in the living room to tell each other about themselves. Great, media whores get to talk about themselves, this should only take about eight hours. Well, it goes by a lot quicker than that, probably because by the time the 10th one who is a waiter/writer/actor/model stood up and told them all what he/she/Marcellus did there really wasn’t much else to say about the profession. Josh goes first and instead of telling everyone that he is, gasp, a waiter he lies and says that he is a substitute teacher. No, not a real teacher, but the guy who comes in once a month in sweat pants and reads the newspaper for an hour while the class engages in independent study. Ya know, word of advice Josh, if you’re gonna lie about what you do, at least come up with something that is better than what you really do....that’s kind of the whole point. I’m not saying you have to tell people that you’re an astronaut or an international spy, but there is definitely a middle ground out there in between those two and substitute teacher.

The next several are pretty boring so we’ll skip those and get straight to Titsya. Turns out she has five kids, but I’m not sure if she is counting her two really big fake boobs in that equation. BTW, turns out she doesn’t have custody of any of her kids.....I guess the judge in the divorce hearing decided that stripping in Vegas is not a viable source of support for a family of six. Of course, judges also tend to hold it against you when you take the childrens’ college tuition fund and invest it in silicone.

Gerryatric tells everyone that he is a 5th generation Californian and that he is a full-time middle school teacher. Josh responds in an interview, “I think Gerryatric trusts me when I made up that bull about being a teacher. He bought that like...” Wow, Josh that’s pretty impressive that he believed you when you told everyone you were a friggen substitute teacher. You sure pulled the wool over their eyes. Geez, why don’t you just tattoo Will’s name on your forehead to make your lame-assed mimicking attempt official? Someone ought to tell this idiot that I’ve seen Will Kirby in action, I know Will Kirby and this guy is NO Will Kirby. Hell, he’s not even Miek Booger.

Next up is Eric of the Eric/Roddy tandem. Eric is from Milford, Connecticut and the sympathetic, heart strung music kicks in as he tells them that, “I’ve been pursuing a career as a firefighter and got hired nine months ago.” Time out, let’s examine that statement for a second. Nine months ago would put us into last October, 2001. So, this guy has been trying to become a firefighter for a while and then all of the sudden he gets hired last October. I wonder if the fact that this guy suddenly became worthy of being hired as a firefighter oh just about the time that about 500 firefighters within a couple hours drive of his home died suddenly is related in anyway. I mean seriously, who’s this whore think he’s fooling. Last October any one of us could’ve walked out into an NYC fire station with a team of six legless midgets and drove out ten minutes later on big red truck complete with hoses, ladders and a dalmatian. In other words, “not” and “impressed”. BTW, from the live feeds it appears that this loser already quit that job and has moved out West. Wow, I’m sure there’s a whole mess of career fire fighters who really appreciate Eric’s nine month contribution to the profession. What a complete poseur.

As a few more of the girls introduce themselves we cut to an interview with Leasta who says, “I do not see any very strong competition which makes me very happy.” Uhm moron, you’ve been there a total of 20 minutes.

Next up in the moron montage is Josh who states in his interview, “This is my house, this is my game. These people are involved in it, but this is my puppy and I’m running with this and I’m gonna do it my way.” Oh my god, this idiot has moved from doing his horrible Will impersonation and now he’s doing me! Take it from the expert you moron, you don’t give the chess master speech until at least halfway through the show, and definitely not in the first 20 fucking minutes you’re there. Mark my words, this guy will not last long.

Alright, finally some commercials, but not before Julie “please shoot me” Chen managed to fit four really bad puns into one sentence.

Back from commercials, Julie “I have naked pictures of all CBS executives” Chen tells the whores that it’s time for their first food challenge. The challenge is basically the same as the one they used last season, you know the one where all the whores had to load a week’s worth of groceries and themselves into a minivan, a feat that is tougher than it sounds when you consider that’s Autumn and her goiter took up just about the entire rear of the automobile. This time around there will be no car on Big “we don’t need no stinkin sponsors” Brother and instead the whores have to climb and sit in a bunch of trees in the backyard. I’d go into more detail, but it really stupid so who cares, right?

Anyway, in an interview Titsya says, “when Julie told us about having to stay in a tree I honestly thought there’s some stiff competition here.” I’d have to agree with her considering that sitting on your ass is probably the #1 skill of about 10 of these idiots. But, as for the “stiff” part I think she’s simply confusing the competition with her three sizes too big boob job complete with the perma-nipples feature. Titsya continues, “anyone can use the money, that’s an additional $1500 a week.” I don’t know, $1500 doesn’t seem like it would be a lot to her considering she can easily make twice that much just by giving “deluxe” (wink wink) lap dances after hours in the Champagne room where she works.

A-Me, the bright one, decides that since she’s bored she might as well pop open a beer or two. Let’s see, drinking out of boredom, what’s that, like clue #7 you might be an alcoholic. Sounds like somebody better run into the house and hide the Nyquil. Anyway, considering she had three beers before she even got into the tree, not to mention the two shots of whiskey she threw back before leaving the hotel this morning, ya know, just to get the day started on a smooth note....so anyway, big shock when she realizes that she has to pee really bad and maybe the drinking wasn’t such a good idea in a game where you have to sit in a tree for several hours.

Anyway, who cares, Jesus and Whorey win the bonus prize and everyone wins the food for the week. Yawn. Meanwhile, back in the house Chilltown meets and seals their alliance in blood...of course I’m not going to waste my time summarizing the conversation considering I can’t tell any of these idiots apart and alliances made the first half hour of the first show have about as much as a chance of lasting as a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts does stuck in a phone booth with Rosie O’Donnell and Nell Carter. So we move on, but I will say that it was funny to see each Chilltown version 2.0 member wearing a different color doo rag on their head...I guess that’s so you can tell them apart kind of like teletubbies.

DAY 2

Alright, we’ve been back from commercials for a few minutes, but I’m still waiting for anything interesting to happen before I start writing about it.........still waiting......waiting... oh wait, here we go, the HOH competition. Once again we’re gonna use the same gay ass spin the wheel game that we had last year when Booger won. This one’s just as stupid so we’ll be skipping the details...except for one....I’ve been wondering what happened to my LC floppy hat for some time now and now I know, Josh stole it. Let me just say , that look doesn’t work on CBS any better than it worked on the FUX network. Anyway, Leastsa wins and will be the first HOH, which is a great thing to be, just ask Booger.

Back from commercials, Julie “who needs talent when Linda Lovelace is your voice coach” Chen tells us to stick around for some exciting previews about what is going to happen this season on Big Boredom. Uhm, isn’t this show like being filmed right now? How the hell are they going to have previews? Well, considering the entire first show was a carbon copy repeat of last season’s first show I guess all they have to do is cut and paste some heads from this year onto a few bodies from last year (preferably not Bunky) and you’ve got yourself some “current” highlights.

Anyway, this was probably the most wasteful season premiere in the history of reality tv, and I just want to know who’s 14 year old daughter did I have to film having sex with R Kelly to get sentenced to the horribly cruel punishment of having to waste my time summarizing this crap? So there, keep in mind when you ask yourself why you just wasted your time reading this crap that some other poor asshole actually had to write it. And great, now I have to turn around and do it for show #2. Please kill me.

ABSOLUTELY. WORST. SHOW. EVER.