Battle of the Reality TV Stars Official Summary; Episode 4: Adamleminated All Over Again.
OK, I am going to be completely honest. This show blows. It’s not Surreal Life bad. It’s not The Will bad (well, at least what Estee tells me on the quality of bad), but it’s bad. I have many suggestions to improve this farce of a program, which happens to be the second best reality show this summer…featuring <dark mark> on her comeback tour…on the Bravo Network. Just fair warning, I will be suggesting improvements to this piece of highly addictive
crap crack known as Battle of the Network Reality Stars. BTW, I’m waiting for my check from NBC for actually complimenting this show once.
Fishercat’s Rule Change #1: Organize the Teams
On the old Battles, (insert flashback clip here), they separated the reams by the network they were on. That would be a fantastic idea. We need a CBS team, an NBC/ABC team, an “other-channel “ (FOX, UPN, WB, PAX, ESPN, OLN, RTVW, etc.) team, and a Bravo team. Now, you ask, a Bravo Team? What the hell is the point of a Bravo Team? My sick satisfaction, that’s why! Think of the potential for the teams that could have been. Not to go too far and waste summary space, but I would pay all the money I have to see a team that has Phil Gordon, Dave Foley, Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston, Dennis Rodman, Austin Scarlett, Mike Adamle (from this version of the show oddly enough), and anyone else, I mean anyone. Oh, and for gender equality? Do we really know if Austin is male or female, and Dennis Rodman did wear a wedding dress.
However, Bravo isn’t smart enough to promote their own reality show using polls with obviously biased poll choices under the assumption that people watch the network and putting their clearly inferior contestants on television, so we get stuck with the following teams.
Team ChocolateChipKimkie (to be referred through out the summary as Team Carl, in honor of the striking similarities between Theo’s last name and the last name of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Matt Kennedy Gould: Joe Schmoe (Yes, a man who is proud of being fooled by the Spike Network. Surprisingly enough, the only contestant who uses his middle name in the intros.)
Susan Hawk: Survivor (Has a life mission to run over Richard Hatch in an 18-wheel truck. Is officially in the running for ugliest contestant who had an extreme makeover for a television show)
Dr. Will Kirby: Big Brother (Sucks up enemies in cute Nintendo video games and
absorbs their mortal souls gains their powers) Zach and FloChip and Kim Mcallister: The Amazing Race (They won a million dollars on the Amazing Race and they’re here competing for 10,000 dollars. Even better, they’re using the same strategy, Chip’s running the game alone carrying his supplies in his wife-shaped backpack)
Nikki McKibbinandbits: American Idol (She finished behind Justin Guarini, and she’s still the most credible American Idol contestant on the show)
Theo Vonkurnatowski: Road Rules, Real World/Road Rules challenges (about 72) (He’s the sanest of the Road Rules/Real World bunch. Just saying).
Brian Worth : Average Joe (All Your Base Are Belong To Us)
Team Can’t Swim (to be referred to throughout the summary as Team Useless)
Coral Smith: Real World, Real World/Road Rules Challenges (take the diameter around her oobies and multiply it by 8 to get the approximate number) (She has big breasts. Bigger mouth. Could be the most useless person on the RW/RR challenges to not get voted off…ever.)
Will Wikle: Big Brother (Karma Electra is really the second best everything on this show. Has the second biggest radius for any gaydar machines, and is the second best person from Big Brother named Will on this show)
Gervase Peterson: Survivor (set the precedent for the lazy minority on Survivor and is somehow riding a mediocre finish about half-a-decade ago today. People need to find his secret, some presidencies don’t last that long.)
Adam Mesh: Average Joe (Not the smartest guy either. Somehow insulted the most successful challenger in the history of the RW/RR challenges without an iota of talent AND the best physical competitor on their team. Oh, and he’s an annoying *****tard.
Evan Mariott: Joe Millionaire (He fooled 20 women into thinking he had 50 million dollars. Says a lot for the FOX casting crew).
Melissa Howard: Real World, RW/RR Challenges (about 2) (Why is she here again?)
Tina Fabulous Panas or something: Bachelor (OK, she got rejected by a guy who was playing Celebrity Poker with Jonny Fairplay and Trishelle.)
Team MiketheMizMizanin (To be known as Team Dicque for obvious reasons)
The Bradford Cohen: The Apprentice (The most pathetic competitor in the challenges on this show, lost in a joust to Jonathan, and he somehow got eliminated on The Apprentice…in a week where he earned immunity)
Richard Hatch: Survivor (Tax Evasion, Two Survivors, a radio show, network television nudist, and he had the time to come here and moon people. A good sport.)
Ryan Starr: American Idol (She lost to Nikki McKibbin AND she was on the Surreal Life. Make your own conclusion)
Mirna Hindoyan: The Amazing Race (OK, Mirna held back Charla, who was about three feet shorter than her and was voted out of this challenge earlier. That’s all you need to know)
Heidi Bressler: The Apprentice (Swapped for Charla in Week 1, wanted to sabotage Team Dicque, and then suddenly became good after giving up in the joust).
Valerie Penso: Temptation Island (Who?)
Burton Roberts: Survivor (The only person who got voted out of the same Survivor season twice, got outlasted by Lillian in a season where a contestant who didn’t win a single physical challenge won it all, oh, and lost to Jonny Fairplay).
Those are all the teams, now you see why I wanted to make different teams.
Anyway, we are told by American Gladiators reject Mike Adamle that we will have three events today. For people who have not watched the challenges before, we actually have had some amusing events. I suggest you read the prior summaries from the likes of Volsfan, Estee, and Libra. We have actually had a few decent events, like touch football and…uh…well, I lied. Tonight’s events are
Innertube Water Polo: Basically, six people sit in inner tubes, swim really slowly for a ball and throw blindly and hoping the ball goes into the net.
Mechanical Bull: They ride weak mechanical bulls in a best-of-five event. You have to be a truck driver or a sex addict to be good in this challenge for this show.
Multi-Legged Race: It’s like the Three Legged Race, but less fun, and much slower.
However, before we get to the event, our Super Adamle Brother informs the teams that they have to Adamleminate two members of their team, one male and one female. The teams go to the back to “deliberate”, meaning they vote secretly and the two weakest/most annoying people get voted off the Pepperdine Campus.
We do not need to cover the male vote here. We have a RR/RW ringer, Chip, the best touch football player that ever beat Richard Hatch, and Dr. Will, who is too loveable to remove. That leaves Brian Worth. Brian Worth is the geekiest reality contestant show contestant NOT named David Daskal. He has strategies for multi-legged races and a really annoying accent that just adds to his aura.
The females have Kim. Kim’s best job on her two shows has been not doing anything, which served her well in Simon Says. Kim is the second most useless contestant on The Amazing Race that I have ever seen. Flo is worse, but it’s like comparing Tony Womack to Mike Remlinger, both svck. Logically, the #1 team so far would want to keep its strongest female competitors (the amazingly annoying Nikki and the amazingly manly Susan). So, like the traditional reality show vote, Nikki is voted out unanimously because “Kim is fast”. Nikki then proceeds to go on a profanity laced tirade as Brian tries to comfort her and get the closest he has gotten to a female not on network television.
Rachel Love Frasier, I think she was on some Fox show or something where they do horrible things to humans for ratings. She volunteered to go and was voted that way. They voted off Adam Mesh because he was annoying and he called Coral and Evan idiots. Showing an amazing sense of awareness, he deduced that calling them idiots wasn’t a good idea.
OK, I’ll admit, I thought Average Joe just showed that the females cast on Average Joe just went for looks over personality. But these guys were the top guns? My god, they were setting the average guys around the world to strike out. Freaking idiot. SHUT THE HELL UP MESH…ahem, sorry about that.
Burton. Miz. Hatch. Bradford. One of these things is not like the other ,one of these things flat out sucks. Bradford was easily voted out.
They decided to vote Mirna out too. They are vindictive, evil, Satan followers who God shall smite off the Earth for betraying Mirna and Charla. Mirna will call her special doctoro and put her voodoo curse on Ryan and Richard so they shall be damned to her spam e-mails and reappearances on television for the rest of eternity. Those heathen betrayers, those road rage persons them, their lying will send them to hell.
Dante’s Inferno gives us eight levels of Hell. There are places for the lustful, the gluttons, and way at the bottom, the worst of all humans. In the basement of hell, I imagine that’s where reality contestants go. Usually the punishment fits the crime in Dante’s world, so it’s only fitting that they are stuck in a room with a clone of Mirna for all eternity. Not even Judas was willing to trade with them.
Suddenly, we are transferred to the Water Polo Field for our next event after people blabber on about the votes. It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just we don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Fishercat’s Rule Change #2: Hire some creative people
At the heart of all good reality shows is a core of creativity. Whether it is a completely original show, a new season with twists, or a re-hash of another show with a new focus, a reality show usually needs a hook to succeed. However, this show is not creative. First, they rehashed a series from a good twenty-thirty years ago for reality television stars. Second, almost every twist they have had has been stolen from Survivor. For instance, we have three teams for a game that is played with two in this water polo game. So what do they do? They bring back the people voted out for a new “underdog” team. For anyone who doesn’t watch Survivor, in the Pearl Islands series, they had a ghost tribe, where a crew of players who were voted out were brought back to compete in a challenge with the existing teams. They also stole the idea of voting two people out and bringing two in, as they used the ghost tribe for those people. Oh, and the elimination of the Periwinkle team? Quasi-Pagonging.
So, after introducing our new Underdog Team, with such great athletes as Nikki McKibbin, The Bradford, Swan, The Curse Master Mirna, and the two average Joes, Adamle explains the event.
Inner-tube Water Polo, all six people play. Essentially, they sit in inner tubes, swim very slowly and try to throw a ball into a goal. It’s like water polo, but less fun, which is like handball, but less fun. Most goals win. Here are how the games went.
Game One: Team Useless v. Team Dogcrap
Goals (Dog): Bradford 2 (2), Swan (1)
Commentary: Coral said they had no shot in hell since she cannot swim and she has three black people on her team. Now, I can buy the idea that they won’t win, but give me a break, she already gets an exemption since she doesn’t need an inner tube to float, she doesn’t even need to swim. Plus, if she wanted to, she could go Tony Robbins on that pool and absorb all the water with her mouth and then just have Evan run at everyone and destroy, like the good robot her is. Either way, she got lazy and her team allowed Bradford to score two goals. They deserve to go home now, I don’t need to summarize the rest of this.
Meanwhile, Gervase and Adam were trash-talking each other. Two people who had not shot in hell at winning their respective games are trash-talking each other. How cute.
Game Two: Team Carl v. Team Dicque
Goals (Carl): Theo (1), Matt (1)
Goals (Dicque): Burton (1)
Commentary: Random matching my #####. This is the NCAA seeding coming out, and having Duke and North Carolina facing in round 1 as the Sun Belt Conference Champion and BYU are facing off in another bracket. This is a complete rig job to make sure that we have to suffer through Mirna for another week.
Chip talks about solidarity, pretty much kicking Nikki in the shin, and then asking her to sing to make her cry. Meanwhile, Brian Worth has decided there is a definitive inner tube water polo strategy. They can play defensive once they get the lead. He used the same strategy on the blind date his mother set up for him with his third cousin, except he never got ahead
Game Three: Team Carl v. Team Dogcrap
Goals (Carl): Matt (2), Will (1)
Goals (Dog): Bradford (3), Worth (1, own goal, so I guess it counts for whoever last touched it on Bruntadilewski’s team).
Commentary: Come on, there was a goal on their own team, in WATER POLO. I am dying of not surprise.
Game Four: Team Dicque v. Team Useless
We were given no details on how this went, but I like to imagine that Hatch did the whole thing naked. No comments, Bravo wanted to save time to tell us of their polls, so we don’t get coverage of the losers game.
Perhaps the most interesting part of the Water Polo match was Matt Gould’s interview with the token idiot sideline reporter. In this, he
Offered Trishelle a place in his room
Said his room was his parent’s basement
Spent All His Money
Admitted he looked at pictures of Coral and Trishelle on the internet
I’ll let you all decide if I am making this up or not.
Oh, and Adam Mesh and Theo had a little water fight with one another, for seemingly no reason other than Adam Mesh is a complete and utter pilchard.
As a reward, Team Carl got the privilege of talking with <dark mark>. Chip decided to enlighten the white folk out there of life in the hood. Did you know there was no water polo in the old neighborhood where Chip lived? I was surprised too. Either way, he then said that all you need is a big body in the middle like Shawn Bradley to win this type of game, and that’s what they had with Chip. Meanwhile, Kim got a nice mixed drink from Austin and sat next to Chip watching the fun.
The Scoreboard After The First Event
Fishercat’s Rule Change #3: Stop The Old Clippage
I looked at the TV Land schedule. I saw very few episodes of Happy Days and almost none of Joanie Loves Chachi. We do not need to see Scott Baio in every single episode. Likewise, when you show us a monkey running an obstacle course, and then Bradford can’t do ANYTHING in that course, that just shows us how pathetic the casting is. I don’t need to see hardcore Brian Worth versus the poker player in a 100 meter dash. Every. Single. Week. Stop the madness, stop the insanity, stop the clips.
However, when they do another version of this show twenty years from now, they need to use some clips. People being cocky and then losing to horrible contestants is always fun. Not nearly as fun as when Jonathan flipped his soapbox car and then tried to go spread eagle down the hill, but still fun. That leads into the Mechanical Bull. It’s a best of 5 competition between teams to advance rounds, much like the last round, but less fun. The basic rule here, is the more sex you have, the better off you’ll be in this contest. There are exceptions, Sue Hawk can do this since she’s been to every bar in the south and is experienced.
Before we started, we saw something we didn’t need to see. Austin Scarlett in a quasi-cowboy outfit. I’m going to have nightmares for weeks. Not quite crying to sleep like TAR3, but close.
Match One: Red v. Green (BTW, Red = Coral = Useless, Green = Chip = Carl, I’ve gotten too lazy to use actual names).
Matt Gould, living in his parent’s basement and “looking” at pictures on the internet, does not have enough experience with the bucking bronco, and even though Gervase is the bronco, he still wins. (Red 1-0)
Sue Hawk beats Tina Panas in an upset, sort of, in a way…nah, not a surprise. Never mind (Tie 1-1)
Will beats Will, both BB Wills, Will had the will to persevere over the weaker will of Will in spite of Will’s seeming advantage. (Green 2-1)
Coral beats Kim. Kim forfeits, or she just sits there and flies off of the bull. Still the most useless female on the show. (Tie 2-2)
Evan beats Theo, not really a contest of wits, and the RR/RW challenges can’t afford electricity with Dave Mirra pimping every single product and sucking the electricity up, so no mechanical bull contests for Theo (Red wins 3-2)
I really don’t need to go into Match 2, I’ll just say it was Brian, Nikki, and The Bradford versus Mikethemiz, Valeriebertandernie, and Burton. And Nikki got really embarrassed after her bragging. (Dark Blue wins 3-0)
Match 3: Red v. Dark Blue
Bob Guiney gave his scientific predictions based on the mass of each contestant and the proportion of their weight to height. The fortune cookie told him so. He said Miz, Coral, Evan, Heidi, and Rich would win.
The Miz and Gervase had an epic battle, but Gervase got lazy due to Mark Burnett’s under-the-table pay and Mike won. Valerie upset Coral and Coral, of all the mass on her body, injured her thumb. Wow. Evan kept the Red Team Alive until Heidi beat Tina, and Dark Blue won 3-1.
The Dark Blue team then reveals their obsession with sex, with Heidi bringing it up unprovoked…twice in an interview. Now, come on, I know the Miz has no more cartilage in his hips and Burton has had his fair share, but some of these people aren’t exactly…ummm…attractive.
Fishercat’s Rule Change #4: No more multi-legged races
They svck. They svck hard. It was slow and they used Velcro, the Velcro came undone before they fell. There’s no fun there. I am not in a joking mood. They win a prize if they win the race…tickets to go back stage with Hootie, the Blowfish, and a Burger King representative.
Brian Worth decided the best strategy was to walk…every single step, even with two people and Gervase carrying a person to start.
Finishing Order: Red, Dark Blue, Green, Light Blue
Green started with Theo and Dr. Pepper, Dark Blue started with Miz and Burton, Light Blue started with SuperBradford and Worthless, and Red started with Gervase. No one else.
Finishing Order: Dark Blue, Green, Light Blue, Red
What the hell happened: Well, everyone got through okay, even the slower then David Wells drunk team made it okay, except Red. They added Will Wikle, and they proceeded to have their Velcro…uh…not work. The addition of Ryan (DB), Matt (G), and Mirna (LB) seemed to work fine.
Finishing Order: Green, Dark Blue, Light Blue, Red
What the hell happened: Red continued to svck to the point where Green nearly lapped them, even with red adding Evan. The green team, defying the laws of reality television, stayed in first when they added Kim to the race. The Dark Blue team added one of their two other females, Heidi or Valerie, dunno, duncare. The Light Blue team added Adam Mesh, who not surprisingly slowed the team up horrible
What happened: Green sort of got stuck when they added Sue and almost lost to Miz and company after they added their other nondescript white female with a mix of hair colors. The Light Blue team added Mirna, and about 15 feet away from the finish line, the Red team came from nowhere to almost catch up…until the LB team started to move.
The Red Team (Coral Smith, Evan Mariott, Will Wikle, Melissa Howard, Gervase Peterson, and Tina Panas) is heading home simply because they can’t beat Bradford in a race. A completely fine reason. The light blue team thinks that third place is really a victory.
However, the fact that there are only two episodes left makes us all winners. CANCEL THIS SHOW DARNIT. By the way, we need a summary writer for next week unless I missed it, and I can’t do this again. Please…save us…get Bravo off of cable and move Celebrity Poker Showdown to another channel. Hey, you only have 18 people to cover next week, eh…eh…please.
*jumping off a bridge*