LAST EDITED ON 07-08-05 AT 10:17 PM (EST)

Official RTVW Summary: The Scholar Episode 4
"Lights! Camera! Alyssa Pouts!"

For a recap of last week's show, read Zipperhead's most excellent summary. Suffice it to say Milana is now moving forward. She will face Kentucky in the Southeast Regional.

We begin this week's highly intellectual discussions with the question that EVeryone in America (all four of you) has been wondering since Episode 1: what about this tepid romance between Liz and Davis? Well, Liz makes it clear that, although she has feelings for Davis, she's still loyal to her boyfriend in Spudsville, ID. So loyal, in fact, that they've broken up and gotten back together five times. Davis says she's got to get the heck out of Spudsville and learn more about Life In The Big City. He makes a note to hook up with her look her up later when he becomes President.

So we visit Spudsville and see Liz' audition tape. She sings all the activities she's been part of, to the tune of "The Twelve Days Of Christmas." Obviously, she meant to send that to "Fire Me Please." She loves theater, but knew math was better to fall back on. Her friends call her a dork. In one shot, she's playing piano naked! Oh, no, she has a strapless evening gown on.

The Scholar Wanna-Bees bundle up (what, someone moved their house to Seattle?) and file into the Hall of Shame on USC. They are all saying, "OMG, there are only two spots left in the finals!" The Admissions Triumvirate looks on (motto: "We Love To Make You Squirm And It Shows").

Irrelevant Host Who I'm Tired Of Making Jokes About introduces this week's Captain's Mess Quiz which is really is a mess, but one any 6th grader shouldn't have too much trouble with. The students have to assemble a map of the United States from wooden pieces on loan from Fisher-Price. Oh, but a few states are MISSING on purpose! Or they seceded.

As they start assembling, the music in the background sounds like what used to be played during "Professor Kool's Fun Skool" (a local show when I was young) when the kids were drawing something. After five arduous minutes, Davis rings in first.

But wait! He's holding South Carolina in his hand. Dare he try to slip it in while Irrelevant Host, the Triumvirate, and a bunch of cameras are watching? He wimps out. Lizzie rings in second, then starts laughing. She forgot Utah, which only borders her home state! It's on the floor.

Turns out NO ONE finished correctly. As punishment, they will all have to watch 24 hours of "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" reruns. (Not shown: Monsty and Bebo's unborn babies got them all right.) So Davis and Liz are the captains this week.

You know, with these Captain's Challenges, it's too bad that you can't play them like some contestants do on "The Price Is Right," betting one dollar when they think everyone else has overbid. You could just hit your time button immediately and not answer any questions. Hey, it'd eliminate the guessing penalty.

So it's Davis' Gold Team vs. Liz' Red Team. How ironic. Davis offers Liz a job as his press secretary when he becomes President. She'd rather become his VP, so no one will know of their trysts.

We visit Memphis and see Davis' collection of political buttons, as well as a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker. Why on earth did they blur out the Kerry website, like we don't know what it is? We also learn that Davis is big into theater. He practices it well when winning some card game and reacting like he just won Game 7 of the World Series. He reiterates that he's confident, not cocky. (Pssst. Remember Episode 1, dood?)

As the Hormone-Laden Ten walk into Yet Another USC Building, one says, "Where are we going?" Yeah, and why are you in that handbasket? Well, they're going to....make movies!

Each team will have to write, shoot each other, and edit a two-minute movie. (NOT film, people. No film is being used here. It's all tape.) Then their shorts movies will have to be shown to students and faculty who have nothing better to do, and Dan Aykroyd (circa 1977) will pick the winner. Each member of the winning team will get a 20-day trip to Europe. (Speaking of producers, WHY do they have to cut away to a 2.5-second confessional about how cool the trip would be, when a simple voiceover would have done just fine?)

Gym class time! Davis chooses Melissa, Max, Alyssa, and Gerald for the Gold Team. Liz takes Jeremy, Milana, Scot, and Amari for the Red Team. Amari, predictably, is bummed.

They have to choose from one of three quotes on which to base their films:

1. "To be or not to be, that is the question." -Shakespeare
2. "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation." -Plato
3. "Hey bud . . . let's party!" -Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Aykroyd tells them that the key to Bad Student Movies is a good script. So off they go.

Gold decides on the Plato quote. Davis says it deals more with resolution than conflict. Alyssa pouts. She is pissed that he didn't like her idea of the Shakespeare quote. She should have been on the Red Team, which chose it because it would be easier to write to. (Excuse me. People have written doctoral theses on that quote, and you're going to try to take care of it in two minutes?!)

The image that says it all for the Gold Team is Davis sitting in a van expounding on his idea of telling what amounts to Liz's story through their movie. And all the while, Alyssa pouts. She's staring out the van window. It's one thing for Alyssa to be upset that her idea was rejected, but she's offering nothing constructive in response! (She'll say - all together now - "It was the editing.")

They shoot. And miss. Red is working well together. Amari sets aside her initial bad feeings (take note, Alyssa!) to come up with the idea of Liz being some sort of superhero in a comedy setting. (Who do you think you are, Harold Hecuba on "Gilligan's Island"? Gang, the quote deals with a guy wanting to commit suicide!)

Gold is having a few problems, to say the least. Davis says he's got to win because the Triumvirate would never pick him. Damn right, weedhopper. Melissa, who has a good track record of getting along with everyone, is getting Annoyed. She says she'll just ignore (her sort-of lover) Max, Davis, and Alyssa for the rest of the week. And then for good measure, she blurts out, "Will you stop touching me?!" Davis admits he gave no consideration to the mix of personalities when he chose his team. Sort of like every season of The Real World.

Off to the edit rooms. Davis starts doing his voice-overs, including the line about his friend who is "the one I've always wanted" (portrayed, ironically, by Alyssa). Someone says he delivered it like Hannibal Lechter. Alyssa zings him, "Do you not think that you sound bitter? Well, then, don't!" I'm still not convinced that Alyssa completely hates Davis; for example, Milana simply has nothing to do with him. For the Red Team, Scot says the way his team has worked well together should put them over the top.

Back at the Scholar Shack, Melissa is mad at Max and Davis. She's not sure why she was even picked for Davis' team. More so, she's upset with Max for being a playa and a flirt. Did you read his bio on the site, hon? He SAID as much!

Alyssa pouts. She doesn't know what the Triumvirate is looking for. Well, whatever it is, it's nothing she's shown.

Then the house decides to play Truth or Dare (hey, UKyRocks and FisherCat, do 18-year-olds play this? I thought this would have gone by the boards after junior high!). Max is asked what's up between him and Alyssa. He claims not to know. Then he asks Melissa why she's pissed at him. "You screwed with my head," she replies. Mel is Confused and Annoyed. Max says he tried not to make things awkward. Next week on Dawson's Shack . . .

Oh, yeah, we have to screen these things, before a group of conscripted USC art students. Up first is the Gold Team:

Davis Pictures International

Presents

A Davis Pictures Production

Davis

Is

Davis

In

A Davis Picture

"The Platonic Defeat"

With

geraldmaxmelissaalyssa

Produced by

Davis

Written by

Davis

Directed by

Davis

The hell with

Davis

Any resemblance to anyone else in this competition is purely intentional.

The movie is told from a first person point of view, in which Davis wishes that his good friend (Alyssa) would see that he's really the guy for her, and not her boyfriend (Gerald) as they're playing Frisbee. Yes, Liz Gets It.

The Red Team's work is called "The Superhero Café." In a bit part, Milana plays a great "hon" server! Liz, the Superhero, cape and all, leaps in out of nowhere to talk to Scot and point out that Jeremy is in danger . . . of losing his car keys. Liz actually had to use the "to be or not to be" quote. But Liz liked that the audience laughed at the things that they thought were funny.

Now, Aykroyd has to rate both movies. "Stunningly pointless . . . absolutely no meaning whatsoever . . . really suck." But he decided that since the Gold Team had the tougher task, they win. I have to agree, much as I don't want to puff up Davis' ego any further. The Red Team may have been funny, but they didn't prove anything about the quote. So the Gold Team gets to go to Europe. Imagine if they HAD to go together. Davis, Max, Alyssa, Melissa, and Gerald tooling across Europe. That? Would be a reality show I'd watch.

Scot is crushed because he thought they did so well. He goes off to the Brooding Corner, which is in the same area code as Loser Lodge. Liz tries to reassure her team of their good effort.

Now the Triumvirate has ways of making these kids talk:
* Jeremy is a good team player, but is letting his good relationships with others get in the way. Forget signing up for Survivor, dood.
* Amari says she's gotten more assertive as the Tri asked her to.
* Alyssa claims to be pulling it together, but the panel sees her losing her temper. Pulling out the Glock didn't help her cause much.
* Liz says she'd rather get a team working together than having to have all the answers herself. Also, Davis' team may have won, but how much fun did they have making their movie?

Jeremy and Alyssa stress out together on the porch. Alyssa pouts. They see that Time Is Running Out. And they pretty much know they aren't getting anywhere this week.

The Tri deliberates:

* Davis is soooo lucky he captained the winning team. They wouldn't choose him.
* Pretty good foreshadowing by Jeremy and Alyssa; they are both mentioned and dismissed.
* Amari is mentioned as steady and knowledgeable.
* Max is brought up, but then tossed out.

We see the hand of Francine the RA post the names for this week's Academic Hoedown: Davis, Liz, and Amari. The topic: American History, 1770 to 1850. So here we are with another confrontation between Romeo and Juliet.

Alyssa pouts. As the only one who hasn't been in a Hoedown yet, she thinks the Tri hates her. No, hon. We ALL do. Max tries to console her. Alyssa tells him to go away and ruin the lives of the other three girls in the house. Sobbing, she avoids the camera. Get.Over.Yourself.

Davis and Liz decide to let Amari chaperone them in their studies. The rest are pretty united that this is Davis' forte, although Jeremy says not to count the girls out.

It wouldn't be an Academic Hoedown without a song! Sing it with me!

It's crunch time on The Scholar, and there's only two spots left
And everybody's trying to give this so much heft
Liz, Davis, and Amari will try not to bow out
And I'm sick and tired of writing umpteen times, "Alyssa pouts"!

Liz doesn't think she'll get another shot. Amari doesn't want to lose again. Davis expects Kerry and Edwards to pull it out.

So here we go with the gravy questions first.

Liz answers a question on the Bill of Rights. Davis psyches everyone out by hesitating before answering that "We the People" opened the Constitution. Or so he thinks. Amari knows that Washington crossed the Delaware River and founded the New Jersey Turnpike. Liz: General Cornwallis. Davis: Lexington and Concord. Amari: Burgoyne surrendered at Saratoga, then went to bet on horses. Several more questions mercifully fly by. Liz: Bill Moyers' son Thomas Paine wrote Common Sense. Davis: Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. Amari: The commander of the Bonhomme Richard was . . .

. . . not George Washington. Buh-bye. (Heck, Robert Plant would have been a closer guess. 'Twas John Paul Jones.)

Actually, these questions get harder for a change. Liz knows that taxes remained on tea despite the repeal of the . . . Pete Townsend Acts. (I would have said the Stamp Act and been gone.) Davis is asked what 1807 incident off the coast of VA precipitated the War of 1812. He says the Gaspe incient. It was the Chesapeake affair. (I did not KNOW that! /Carson)

Back to Liz. What PA farmers' rebellion in the 1790s backfired and strengthened the federal government? Liz takes a dramatic pause, then asks for some . . . whiskey.

She's right. She's in the finals, along with Melissa, Scot, and Milana, in case you lost count.

Liz credits Davis for helping her to study and win. Davis kicks himself for teaching her everything he knew. I'm sure that was the longest hour of his life. So Davis and Amari are both 0 for 2 in Academic Hoedowns.

Next week: Six students scramble for one last spot in the finals. A debate will be the final team challenge, perhaps something that Alyssa might not pout over. She wants to see anyone but Davis win; does that mean he will?

Thanks for reading. I watched so you didn't have to.

ETF link, a couple returns