SI Swimsuit Model Search Ep.5: Bore-a Bore-a Here We Come!!!

Our three remaining hopefuls, still riding on the relief of not being axed the night before, receive their next daily issue, thus ending that brief respite. The ladies will be going to Bora Bora for a swimsuit shoot with two Very Important People, photographer Walter Iooss and swimsuit editor Diane Smith. Or that's what I understood Horse-teeth to say. However, the ladies won't be heading to Bora Bora just yet, because they have another Simon Says physical challenge. The winner gets to choose the order of the next photo shoot, as well as a tiny Snickers bar. Cut in half.

The challenge begins. Shannon quits. Alicia fumbles, and Stacy wins. She decides to go last, so she can be remembered, as if anyone could forget those gargantuan teeth. Stacy then chooses Shannon to go first, and Alicia to go second. The girls pack and are soon on their way to paradise.

Who knew that all it would take to make Alicia smile was a passport? Probably because she didn't have to suck in her stomach for the picture. She is taken in by the beauty of the sand, water, and hopes they won't overshadow her shoot, or she'll have to get rid of them.

The ladies cruise to their final destination, with Stacy bragging that the swimsuit models are coming and "we're gonna work our stuff". The locals, fearing that a shark has overtaken the boat with its giant teeth, run for cover. The ladies meet the VIPs, then are told to go to their rooms and relax. What a job, having to relax on the beach where the water is clearer than the space in Stacy's head.

The VIPS meet with the judges to discuss the girls, their teeth, love handles, and a new 250 calorie a day diet for the ladies. Alicia is the strong one, they say, because she projects well. I have to agree that she does take her insecurities out on other people very well. Shannon is the weakest at this point, but they love the gap in her teeth. It'll be a good placeholder for extra film.

Shannon finds an advantage in going first; she gets to pick the strings out that ALL the girls will be wearing for their shoot. Unfortunately, she cannot find an above-the-nose suit to cover Alicia's drama queen mouth and, well, Stacy's choppers. I know, the teeth thing's getting a bit old. Stay with me, though, my dear reader, as we'll have much more to pick on about Stacy later.

Time for the first shoot, and Shannon rationalizes her morals with posing half-nekkid for the shoot. The shoot begins, and as Shannon plays contortionist for the camera, Stacy spies from across the pool, while Alicia gets some spokesmodel training. Not before the spokesmodel trainer loses his hat in the ocean.

Her shoot over, Shannon returns to the ladies' bungalow tight-lipped. She doesn't want to reveal any secrets about poses or angles that have been in Sports Illustrated for a gazillion years. She has to have her strategery.

The ladies attend a luau, and Alicia, our beloved Ice Queen, begins to melt, not from the tiki torches or the oiled-up dancers. She explains bow she missed out on her childhood, and now that she's away from home, where everyone must hate her, she feels free. The gals wish Alicia luck for her photo shoot the next day, and Shannon says "Knock 'em dead!" That's likely to happen to anyone who dares outshine Alicia at her shoot.

As Alicia poses with the traditional nipple-covering lei, one of the VIPs tells her to just act like it's her brother or a friend taking pictures of her. Yep, that'll relax anyone, imagining your brother taking pictures of your oobies. However, Alicia wows the judges and the VIPs with her shoot.

Stacy, on the other hand, is not having much luck with her speech therapy/spokesmodel training. The words just don't seem to be working with her mandible. Take 267, Mr. Ed's spokesmodel tape. Stacy still finds time to spy on Alicia's shoot, and realizes what many have known for weeks, that Alicia is strong competition. That she is, as the VIPs state that her shoot was better than Shannon's. Alicia cries, I'm guessing because the camera is gone, no more shoots for you, says the shoot nazi.

At dinner, Stacy attempts to elicit more information about Shannon and Alicia's shoots, with no luck, and becomes frustrated. What's the big deal? You put on a piece or two of fabric, and lay and jump in the sand. Is there some secret here I don't know about? Is the sand bouncier in some places than others? Alicia states that her favorite part of the shoot was the topless one with the lei, which sends Stacy into freak-out mode. She's very uncomfortable with the topless thing. Hello, you're on a SI Swimsuit Model Search. Surely you have seen the pictures. If you're so worried about what your parents will think, you might want to try Family Circle or Women's Day.

Stacy decides she must go on, making sure she doesn't move too much so her nips don't show. It's akin to the Tin Man's performance, except I think he was looser. The VIPs try to slip Stacy some Valium while Shannon works on her spokesmodel training. Now Stacy's shooting on a boat, and she's still having trouble with rigor mortis. She finishes and wastes no time in embellishing her shoot to Alicia and Shannon.

The judges and VIPs gather to discuss who the final two should be, and who should be axed. Alicia is versatile, has piercing eyes, and is a shoo-in for final two. Shannon's quirky, photogenic, but forgettable. Stacy has raw talent, but they must use oil on her joints next time. Oh, and she's flat-chested. Which is good for CK ads, but not for SI, where the mens want the jubblies.

The highlight of the show comes when Roshumba argues with everyone else that Stacy didn't give to the camera as much as the other two girls. She is quickly put in her place by the other judges, as she's only a model and has no room to speak. Not as firy as any of the arguments the Americal Idol judges have, but it's good for a laugh. A very small laugh. The VIPs and judges find themselves at an impasse, the VIPs don't want Stacy but the judges (minus Roshumba) believe Stacy can improve. What drama!

The next day the ladies take a boat to an island, where one of their torches will be snuffed out. This is the final cut the judges will make, as the final decision will be made by the ultimate judge: America. Be afraid, be very afraid.

For now, though, it's their final chance to dig their claws into the ladies, and they begin with Stacy. Again, she had a hard time loosening up, but grew during her shoot. Literally. I think her teeth are 5 times larger now. She needs to grow up, but has come a long way, and her smile lights up the room, as well as entire buildings.

Shannon stepped up to the plate, she looks better every day, and has learned to relax. Alicia had a "smoky essence" and had some majic moments. Alicia is asked how winning this competition will change her. She once again melts into tears, and babbles about getting away from the problems in her life, overcoming struggles, you know, that old story. Shannon is asked the same question, and states that it would be a way to give back to her parents. Stacy's tear-filled response makes no sense, but she's crying so she gets those points.

Stacy..............is dropped, and her face follows.

Next week: I still have hope in you, America, for some reason. Don't disappoint me.