LAST EDITED ON 01-24-05 AT 12:47 PM (EST)

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search: Episode 3 Summary

The Tale of the Ice Queen

I must warn you that the tale to follow is not a pretty or happy one. If you seek fairy tale endings, stop reading and find your way to "The Bachelorette" forum. If you desire tales of humility, "American Idol" is your show. And if you wish for poetic justice, seek out the one called Draco for the latest summary of "The Amazing Race".

Our story begins with the six remaining maidens discussing their horrific encounter with the three-headed judge-beast. Lady Jenna is sorrowful that the judge-beast stated her pictures looked like a "pin-up girl", which she equates with pornography. My dear Jenna doesn't know that pin-ups are to pornography as the Bush twins' inaugural attire is to JLo's infamous Grammy dress. Jenna has class, however, and Queen Alicia has christened her "super super sexy".

Queen Alicia, as is her duty, weaves her own woe into Jenna's dilemma, lest we forget what a horrid life she has had. Jenna becomes the Queen's handmaid, as she finds her to be much like a gumball; hard on the outside, a bit soft after some gnawing. What our sweet Jenna does not know is that not long after the softness comes hollowness and tastelessness.

Lady Stacy recieves good news from home, as her sister has been crowned Dingleberry Queen of the MooMoo Field. Stacy is beside herself with joy, as she reveals to us that her sister is the "sophisticated one who presents herself well", while she is the "pretty one" who picks her nose at the dinner table.

The heralds arrive with the maidens' next challenge, which unfortunately does not involve any sharp objects or blood sucking leeches. However, it does involve staying power and balls, so perhaps there is hope. Alas, it is only beach volleyball. With three former Olympian champions to boot. The two Olympian Amazons pick their teams. Amazon One picks Ladies Stacy, Jenna and Queen Alicia; Amazon Two picks Ladies Betti, Krisi and Shannon. And the game is afoot, with the third Olympian, God of the Abs, as referee and eye candy.

Bouncing boobs abound as the ladies vie for the win. The first heat of the game lays heavily on Lady Stacy's fake-baked shoulders, as all she needs to do is serve the ball over the net. Cheers abound over the Land of the Beach Volleyball as Lady Stacy catapults the ball over the net, leading her team to victory.

The winning team will now challenge each other. Each lady must hold a volleyball over her head for as long as possible. The people of the Land of the Beach Volleyball pray to the God of Hygiene that the ladies have properly shaved and deodorized, lest they be cursed by the plague of underarm cooties.

The winner of this heat will recieve the Sacred Get Out of Jail Free Supermodel Pass and another to bestow upon a friend. The women begin their task, and endure 45 minutes before God of the Abs orders that now they must squat whilst holding the ball over their head. The ladies shake, moan and cry as if they were labouring a child, and Lady Stacy takes the first fall. Lady Jenna is the next, and Queen Alicia wins the Pass and a sparkly bauble as she professes her undying loyalty to her lady friends. Queen Alicia picks Krisi to be the recepient of the companion Pass, causing Jenna to question her standing with the Queen.

Once again the heralds arrive with the hint for the next Photo Challenge, called "Freeze Frame". The ladies, smart ones them all, deduce that this challenge will involve something cold, perhaps Naomi Campbell's heart. They arrive at a storage freezer, which looks like the chaps from "Queer Eye" have refurbished into an icy theme, complete with, well, ice. Queen Alicia and Krisi, keepers of the Pass, are permitted to spend their spare time in a heated tent, and choose which shoots the other ladies will take part in. Alicia bestows "Cold as Ice" upon Shannon and Stacy; "Animal Instinct" to Jenna and Betti; and "It's Raining Men" upon Krisi and herself.

Ladies Jenna and Betti are first up, and must pose with wolves. No, not Queen Alicia and her minion. Lady Jenna becomes frustrated that she cannot control the blasted animal, while Betti pleases the three-headed judge-beast with her camera love-making.

Next, Ladies Shannon and Stacy take on the task of shooting with a block of ice, which brings Al Gore to one's mind. The ice tells better jokes, however. But I digress. Lady Stacy states she is at an advantage working with the ice, as she is from a faraway place called Minnesota, where people sit around on ice blocks whilst wearing thongs for the sheer joy of it.

The gentlemen arrive for the last shoot with Queen Alicia and Lady Krisi. Krisi is all over the men like Paris Hilton at a boy-band convention. The other ladies look on with envy, with the exception of Queen Alicia, who complains there are too many men. How horrible it will be for our Queen to find herself in her thirties one day, clamoring for a man who may not have a six-pack, but can chug one in two minutes.

Queen Alicia begins her shoot by barking orders at the men. Three by three the men are banished from the Queen's shoot, until she is merrily posing alone. The other ladies begin to revolt, and call for the guillotine to rid the Queen of her humongous head. Alas, as I have told you before, this is not a happy tale. Queen Alicia keeps her head, but is reprimanded by the higher powers, who will not listen to her cries of "It's about me! Me! Me!" The heads of the judge-beast disagree on Queen Alicia's divaness. Ex-Model Head thinks it shows desire for the prize, while Sir Pissy Head predicts the Queen will be a "pain in the #####".

We return to the ladies' hovel, where they are hunched over silently, eating their lettuce casserole. One could cut the tension with a falchion. Lady Stacy berates Queen Alicia's attitude to Ladies Shannon and Betti. Betti immediately reports to the Queen, as Stacy is getting on her nerves for harping about how bad Betti's shoot was.

The three-headed judgebeast convenes to decide matters of the royal court of the models:

Lady Stacy performed well and looks great, as long as she keeps her Mr. Ed teeth covered.

Lady Krisi looked like she had the most fun, and has fabulous gams.

Lady Jenna cannot be photographed head-on, as that angle will break the camera, apparently.

Lady Shannon is comfortable and safe, like a nice tea cozy.

Lady Betti is beautiful with abs to rival even the Olympian God of Abs, but needs to learn to work her angles. Right, acute, obtuse.

Queen Alicia has the judge-beast in turmoil. Two of the Heads will not stand for the attitude, but Roshumba Head defends it, as this is a competition.

Thus it is time, my poor readers, for the grand elimination ceremony. The judge-beast questions the ladies about the previous day's events. The ladies take advantage of the time and berate Queen Alicia for her divatude, whose defense is that it is all about her. Why, oh why, can't everyone figure that out?

The judgebeast notifies Stacy that not only does she have too many teeth, she is also fat, but she has made the cut.

Lady Shannon looks too old due to sun damage, and she's as loose as the Tin Man, but she has made the cut.

Lady Jenna is told again that she is "pin-up" material, and she she needs to work on working the camera when she gets back to Texas. Which won't be now as she has made the cut.

Lady Krisi is "great" and worked the men well, but she'll have to do it for FHM because she has been dropped.

Lady Betti took some of the best pictures and knows how to "turn it on", but needs to pick one of her personalities and stick to it.
Queen Alicia needs to learn to work with people, and that she can't be a diva until she has been in Victoria's Secret.

As you well know, not all stories have a happy ending. Sometimes evil conquers good, stupidity trumps logic, and cruel men and women win reality shows. This is such a story.

Queen Alicia makes the cut, and Lady Betti is dropped.

Four ladies are left, will the Queen soon be dethroned?