I’d Bet the Ranch…

Welcome to the premiere episode of The Will. In this new reality show, family patriarch Bill Long has agreed to give the winner his beloved ranch in Kansas. OK, Bill… if the ranch is so beloved, why the heck are you giving it away to someone who really has no interest in keeping it? Yes, I did go to the website and watch all the videos of the heirs and I’ve got to tell you something, there are 2 (maybe 3) of the heirs that would actually keep the ranch!

Moving on…

We are introduced to the host of the show Tony Noakes who tells us that each of the heirs will be tested to figure out who is the most deserving through a series of mental and physical challenges. We are then introduced to Bill through a video diary where he tells us exactly what he’s looking for in the heirs; aggressiveness, tenacity and honesty. Sounds good! I guess he’s really trying to see who is worthy of taking over the ranch. Let's see how this works.

The heirs take their turns arriving at the mansion (which I read somewhere is not even located in Kansas, it is somewhere about 50 miles from L.A.) in assorted vehicles which (I guess) are supposed to be related to their personalities? My mind was wandering at this point in the show already so I didn’t think to make note of each different vehicle, but Penny zipped up in a sports car, Scott arrived in a Hummer, Mickey came in a pick-up truck and Josh motored up on some jap bike! Let’s meet the heirs:

Penny – Bill 4th wife: (here’s a clue Bill, if you are on your 4th wife do you think there could be something wrong with you?) she is the co-owner of two freaky deaky clothing stores in Scottsdale. One is called Electric Ladyland and the other is more aptly named Floozy! Ahhhh… a small clue into Penny’s personality!

Billy – Bill’s son and only blood relative: he thinks he deserves to win because he is the one who grew up spending summers on the ranch and would like to keep it in the family for his children.

Bette – Penny’s mother and Bill’s mother-in-law: she is as old as Bill! Perhaps they were friends in high school or something? I’ll reserve my judgment for now, but historically there has not been a lot of favorable son-in-law/mother-in-law relationships!

Ashley – Penny’s son/Bill’s stepson: you might expect that Ashley is a girl… WRONG! He really, really needs a haircut!

Kristin – Ashley’s ex-girlfriend: she is also known as mini-Penny. (OK, this could be good! Penny’s attitude is a little like Dr. Evil!) Let’s see: implants… check! botox… check! fake blonde hair… check! Hey, why doesn’t Bill just marry her next? She could be shooting for Mrs. Bill #5!

Scott – Penny’s brother/Bill’s brother-in-law: he manages some of Bill’s condos, no doubt Penny had something to do with that!

Danielle – she is Bill and Penny’s “beloved, loyal, trusted” employee. Please remember this description for future reference! It’s easy to tell her apart from the others because she is the only female with dark hair!

Mickey – Bill’s lifelong friend: what? You say you’ve been friends for 20 years? How is it that 20 years is considered lifelong? I don’t understand this fuzzy, new math! He is considered the wildcard of the show and the other heirs will “supposedly” be vying for his alliance with them.

Crystal – the family friend: one of the few who actually say they would keep the ranch. It’s obvious she doesn’t belong here! I bet she’s not an heir, she just plays one on TV.

Josh –the adopted/surrogate son: he came from a broken home and is Billy’s best friend. They grew up together and Bill took him under his wing and took care of him.

So everybody is in the mansion and we are shown the scheming and forming of alliances already. Penny seems to have control of most of the house as she is jabbering with Bette, Scott, Ashley and Kristin. She tells her group that Mickey is the wildcard and they must do anything they can to get him on their side. Penny even goes as far as to tell Kristin to prostitute herself to Mickey to win him over. Oh boy!!! This could be good! Meanwhile, in one of the bedrooms Billy, Josh and Mickey are discussing what they have to do to win and how they will be watching out for each other. Brak… brak… brak…

Next up, the first challenge!

The heirs are told that whoever wins the challenge will get the honor of wearing Bill’s ring. The power of the ring is that person has the advantage of being safe from elimination and they get to start what is called “the inheritance chain”. During the inheritance chain the winner selects an heir they would like to save, then that person selects the next one in the chain and so on until there is only one person left. The last person left who is not selected has to leave the twilight zone mansion and they are cut from The Will. {Really this means that Bill will just cross their name off the piece of paper.}

The heirs find piggy banks and are told to meet outside for their first challenge. {Why do I have a flashback to Big Brother? Oh good! They are not painting those pigs!} It is an endurance challenge and the rules are:

1. they must put 1 hand on the safe
2. no other body parts can touch the safe
3. they must keep their palm on the safe at all times
4. they must hold on to the piggy bank
5. they can not leave to go to the bathroom

Here is the order of elimination: Crystal, Billy, Mickey, Bette, Kristin, Danielle, Scott, then we are left with the final three: Ashley, Penny and Josh. For what seems like an eternity, the three stand with their palms on the safe until Ashley tries to make a deal with Josh. Ashley says that if Josh promises to save him first, he will give up now. Josh agrees. {stupid, stupid boy} So Josh and Penny are left and it’s been about 13 hours now. Penny proceeds to make a deal with Josh saying, “If I let you win, you will save me and then next time you win you have to promise to save Ashley.” Josh agrees. What is wrong with this guy? So Josh wins the ring and will have the power to start the inheritance chain.

OK! Time for more scheming! Penny is seen telling Danielle to pick Mickey at the end because, they pretty much figured out the order of the chain and Penny wants Billy gone. {Gee, Penny… why do I feel like you think Billy is your toughest competition?} Penny basically tells Billy he is a spoiled brat who always talked about spending his daddy’s money when he died. {Ummm… Penny? Isn’t that why you married a 74 year old guy? So you can have his money when he dies? Are you related to Anna Nicole?} Mickey is shown talking to Billy and Josh in the bedroom and he tells Josh how dumb he was for making a deal with the devil Penny. He tells Josh that he should not pick Penny because she turned him down when he made advances toward her… wait, sorry… he tells Josh how Penny will pick Ashley, then Ashley will pick his grandmother, then yadda, yadda, yadda and so on.

The heirs arrive in this office/ library type room of the mansion and they will have their first inheritance chain. So Josh keeps his promise and chooses Penny who then chooses Ashley, then Bette, Scott, Kristin, Crystal, Danielle…

Here it comes! Who will she choose? It is Billy! Danielle chose Billy because she feels he is deserving of the ranch more than Mickey. Mickey blurts out, “What a ______ dumb-a$$. So Mickey goes through the door and says to Bill, “Bye” and leaves. Penny is furious! Danielle is so fired when this is over! Brak… brak… brak… {Watch out Penny, those claws could puncture those implants!}

After a whole lot of drama and scheming and whining and complaining, etc. We are told of the second challenge but, there is a twist! Each of the heirs will be able to speak to Bill to try to convince him that they are the most worthy of the secret advantage. They take turns going in and stating their case as to why Bill should give it to them. {I just can’t go through all of them… this “summary” could easily become more like a novel!} Penny shows her manipulating ways when it is her turn. She flaunts herself shamelessly showing just how disgusting she can be! She gives Bill compliments while slithering around in her chair looking, oh so slutty! Apparently, Bill likes this!

On to the second challenge! The top three from the first challenge will get to be captains and choose from the other heirs to make up their team. Josh goes first and chooses Billy and Danielle, Penny chooses Bette and Scott, and Ashley chooses Kristin and Crystal. They are then told that this challenge will consist of ranch chores. The teams must first put up a fence, then fill a water trough and finally they will clean a horse stall. The winner will be the first team done and able to ring the “dinner bell”. There are ranch hands that will follow them through the chores and give the OK when they can move to the next one. Wait, there is a twist! The teams must be chained together while they do the tasks. The heir who has won Bill’s advantage is revealed to be… Penny! Her team will get a one minute head start over the other teams. {Well! A whole lotta good that’ll do ya Penny! You are chained to your mom and brother! Guess you didn’t figure that this actually might be a physical task when you picked your team, huh?}

The competition begins with team Penny going first, they begin wobbling to the fence, tripping over each other and barely get there when the one minute is up and the other teams can start. The fence task is easily completed first by team Josh, but team Ashley is not far behind. Team Josh completes the water trough task and holds on to their slight lead as team Ashley keeps the pace. Team Penny is struggling and gets the fence up, but they give up before completing the water trough task and are eliminated from the competition. Next the horse stalls, the two teams are neck-in-neck and it appears team Ashley is done first, but wait… just as team Josh finishes and is heading towards the bell, team Ashley is called back and must lock the gate to the stall. Both teams need to unlock the chains before they can ring the bell and Billy gets there first so he wins! He will get to wear the ring and start the inheritance chain and he is safe from elimination!

Penny is even more furious now! She tells Josh he was supposed to win it so he could keep his promise and save Ashley. She goes to Billy’s room to tell him he has no class while she’s the idiot who throws a glass of wine at him! {I have to say this, Penny is nuts! Why is it that she has this attitude like everything is rightfully hers and must go her way? She is basically running the show here and if things don’t go her way she acts like a spoiled two year old!} There is more scheming and planning going on and Penny and her minions come to the conclusion that it is very likely that Kristin will be the next to go and they don’t want that to happen on her birthday!

So here is the alliance situation at this point, we have Penny, Bette, Scott, Ashley and Kristin on one hand and Billy, Josh, Danielle and (maybe) Crystal on the other. I don’t really know what Crystal is thinking, she makes promises to each side as to who she will save in the inheritance chain. She told Ashley she would save Kristin, but told Billy and Josh that she would save Josh.

Well now it’s time for the inheritance chain. Billy is safe and will start the chain and he chooses Crystal, who chooses Danielle, then Josh who saves Ashley (he feels he fulfills his promise from the first challenge here! Stupid, stupid boy.), then Penny, Bette and Scott. Kristin is gone! Penny tells Ashley he’s the one who made Kristin cry. Really Penny? If Ashley had saved Kristin instead of you, wouldn’t you have his head on a platter? What was the poor little momma’s boy supposed to do? Kristin goes to talk to Bill and he crosses her name off the list. {Yeah there was a lot more drama here, but I’m really tired! I don't know how Bill thinks this method of elimination will show him the heir that is the most honest! There is more scheming and drama here than the Big Brother house! This family needs some help!}

Next Week: Penny wants revenge on a family road trip from hell!!!

'nutz: Proud member of the inoffensive OT Triumvirate.