LAST EDITED ON 08-12-01 AT 11:28 AM (EST)

Alright, before I begin the summary let me just say one thing.....Will needs to be evicted post haste, like right fucking now. The guy is literally stealing all of my lines. I mean, its starting to get ridiculous, every time I want to rip on one of these idiots they cut to the Diary Room where Will is already saying everything I wanted to say. He’s making it very hard for me to do my job. Alright, enough b!tching, let’s get this crap over with......

The show starts with the standard “warning” message to all 7 viewers (sorry Hamsters, but the banner said nothing about “millions”)......

WARNING: This show contains no explicit material. In fact, it contains no material whatsoever. The characters you are about to see are not real. Nothing about them is real. In fact, any comparison to actual living people who possess the capacity for intelligent thought and the power of reason is purely coincidental and should not be taken to imply that the characters actually possess such characteristics. Further, the Surgeon General has determined that extended viewing of said characters can lead to such ailments as Sudden Dumbness Syndrome, Stupiditis, and Drop Foot. Please watch at your own risk.

I’m gonna skip the previously on BB2 part of the show for two reasons...first of all, who cares. And second of all, the segment featured Miek and I really don’t think we ever need to talk or even see that asshole again. Smell ya lata.

So, the show starts with a shot of Kent getting tossed from the house after a 4-0 vote, which brings the realization that Buffy, which in gay means “spineless dickhead”, voted against his best friend in the house. Blista, which in Creole means “herpes infested alcoholic drug addicted deadbeat white trash mom”, is quick to figure out who voted for Kent and who voted for Will in the 4 to NOTHING eviction as she confronts Buffy. Says Blista, “Buffy you didn’t vote for Kent? Are you okay?” Are you okay!?!?!? Why would he be un-okay?!? Ask Kent if he’s okay, he’s the fat bastard who just got sentenced to 5 minutes on the couch with the Hanoi Whore in Hot Pants, Miss Julie Chen, who btw thankfully will not be awkwardly presiding over tonight’s taped and manufactured show.

Blista, who “doesn’t talk behind other peoples’ backs and would appreciate it if you would do the same”, runs to Hardly and slurs “the guy’s such a punk, I thought he was his friend.” This brings up the perfect opportunity to introduce a new feature to the semi-regular summaries. Ladies and Gentlemen, feast yours eyes on the limited edition, special class, Sears dealership authorized White Trashathon Word-of-the-day Counter, only $29.95 at participating outlets. Alright, first I plug it in like so.......type in this episodes white trash word of the day....P-U-N-K, flip on the “run” switch and we’re ready to go. So, let’s go back and re-run that last Blista quote now that the machine is all plugged in. Said Blista, “the guy’s such a punk, I thought he was his friend.” Alright, it works! Let’s just leave that plugged in and running for the duration......

Meanwhile, Buffy, who was voted by his fellow house guests “Most Likely to Succeed Matthew Shepard” is in the Diarrhea-of-the-mouth Room wearing his “I just fucked my best friend in the ass (figuratively) and all I have to show for it is this lousy t-shirt” t-shirt. Oh wait, now comes the part where he starts crying and explaining how he was doing Kent a favor by voting against him....if you don’t mind, I’ll just skip this segment instead of risking the very real possibility that I might puke all over my keyboard if forced to watch. God damn do I hate Buffy! Remember way back when Will said that Buffy was an insult to the gay community and we all railed on Will and called him a homophobic, bigoted jerk. Well Will, if you ever read this I’d like to take this moment to apologize on behalf of everyone on this board. What can I say, you we’re right, we we’re wrong. But, you shouldn’t have stopped at the gay community. Plain and simple, the guy is an insult to anybody or anything that’s ever walked on two legs and possessed opposable thumbs. Whew, that felt good, now where was I?

Back in the bedroom, Blista is still complaining to Nic-Ho and Hardly about Buffy’s vote, “That’s punk. That’s punk.” Meanwhile, across town in the DR Buffy has reached a whole new low in self-serving rationalization with this tearful (of course) statement about betraying Kent, “I hope he gets to soon go home to his wife and kids, that’s what truly matters....not this crazy house.” Uhm, you make it sound like he’s in a fox hole during the Battle of the Bulge instead of on some stupid ass boring game show! I’m pretty sure Kent appreciates your “concern”, but chances are he might’ve wanted to stick around and take a shot at the half mil. Thanks anyway asshole.

As the show slowly grinds on we are treated to Nic-Ho in the DR grousing on and on about how much it sucks to be the Head of WhoreHouse.....”its gonna be a very long horrible demonic satanic week for me.” No Nic, that was your childhood, remember? Now, she’s talking to everyone about who to nominate. Basically, it’s the same crap we see every week where each hamster talks shit about everyone else in a pathetic attempt to save their own ass. The most retarded part is when Nic-Ho starts to feed Blista the bullshit about how her, Will and Hardly have entered into a pact to make Blista the winner. You know what, I don’t even want to write about it cause its so asinine and so stupid and such a load of crap and so never gonna happen that I’m not gonna waste your time with it.

Then, Nic-Ho confronts Moronica with the “who should I nominate” question. Moronica, which in Black means “dumb ignorant b!tch who’s too retarded to spell her own stupid name” responds with her usual and soon to be patented soliloquy of non-sensical ramblings. Only this time, Nic-Ho isn’t letting her off the hook as she presses for an answer. Realizing that she is backed into a corner Moronica moves on to plan B and jumps into Johnny Cochrane mode, “the black girl is not gonna win, that’s it! And I feel the way I feel and there’s nothing else to say about it cause the glove does not fit, so you must acquit!” Nic-Ho looks at her with a blank stare, with good reason I might add which is different from the ususal times that Nic-Ho has a blank look on her face, which is because ya know, she’s just stupid like that.

Later on that night a Dumb Convention breaks out in the hot tub between card carrying members Blista and Moronica. Here, let’s listen in to some of the wisdom......

M: “I know the deal and its not your fault. I’m a threat baby, my shit is good. Yours is good. You understand what I’m saying? {ed note: Uhm, no.} You’ve got to break it up. And its all good. But mark my words, its going to be on.”

Can I just say.....What the hell is she talking about? Do any of you have any idea what the hell this idiot says, ever? And by the way, some one ought to tell Moronica that she’s on Big Boredome 2, not a remake of “New Jack City”, lose the cryptic gangland style threats of retaliation. It just looks stupid to watch her act so tough about a game that has featured such thugs in its history as Chicken George, Brittany, Sherrie and don’t forget last year’s winner, Stumpy.

Back from commercials, Blista summons Will to the Dumb Convention with the usual entrance fee, two sips of back wash from a two day old can of beer that Blista spotted out of the corner of her eye. Will approaches, unaware that he is unwittingly about to walk onto the set of the filming of “Dumb & Dumber Part Deux. Moronica is first to attack...

M: “Have a good time when you go to Nic-Ho for your one on one.”

W: “Why, its not gonna be fun?”

M: No, cause its fucking AWNNNN!”

In a dumb-over from the DR, Moronica explains what she means....”its awnn has different levels and stages. Its awnn I deal with people differently. Its awnn, meaning you want to know who I am without me saying it I’m gonna tell you verbally tell you who I am!”

Uhmm, no you’re not. You haven’t said a single thing “verbally” that has made one bit of sense since you walked your dumb fatass into the door.

In the DR, Will seems to agree....”When Moronica says its awnn that might mean that the light in the living room is on or that she is going to punch you in the face...I really have no idea.”

Will responds at the Dumb Convention by offering to talk about it with her and Blista if they would like to. Blista, who has more sides to her personality than Jerusalem has bombings, responds “Kiss. My. Ass.” to which Moronica laughs so hard you would think it was the funniest moment since Geraldo “uncovered” Al Capone’s hidden vault. Will walks away and explains in the DR that, “I really thought I should walk away from the situation because arguing with the two dumbest people I ever met really doesn’t behoove my situation in any way.” See! What did I tell you, he’s stealing my lines....how can I be expected to compete in the dog eat dog world of summary writing with this new added pressure? It was sooo much easier summarizing this craptacular show when none of the idiots possessed a single ounce of wit.

Later on, Blista relates her great “kiss my ass” story to Hardly, but Hardly doesn’t seem to get it. Don’t worry steroid boy, me neither..

Alright, now comes the part where I skip whole segments of the show cause I am rapidly losing interest in this drek.....so, for the next 15 minutes of show time, I introduce the BB2 electronic real-time ticker........

*** Hardly lies to Nic-Ho that he now wants Nic-Ho to win the money instead of Blista***

***Hardly argues with Blista, Blista cries***

***Hardly confesses that he still has loyalties in his head which ends the internet debate over whether or not the thing was completely empty.****

***Blista is afraid that she is gonna be laughed at when she goes back to her trailer park (gee really)***

Alright, back to the show for a minute.....Will verbally spars with Blista which is kind of like watching the Soviet Red Army Hockey team take on the Mighty Ducks (the one coached by Emilo Estevez, not the NHL team).

Later on, Blista writes another chapter in her soon to be published autobiography, “From America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted in 35 Short Days” as she threatens Nic-Ho in the back bedroom. Says Blista, “in the event that I go, you’re gone. If I leave, you’re next.” Nic-Ho proves to be the best actor in the house as she resists the urge to laugh right in her face.

Back in the kitchen, Nic-Ho tells Blista to stop looking at her like she is gonna shoot her. Of course Nic-Ho fails to realize that Blista can’t help herself, its genetic. {Ed Note: if you need further clarification for that joke, go ask Blista’s brother...I believe you can find him care of the Louisiana State Correctional Facilities.}

Back from the blessed commercials, its time for the weekly food challenge.....

Another stupid and boring challenge...this time the idiots have to jump into a big bowl of cereal, find a plastic letter, and then spell out as many food products as they can that start with that letter in under 60 seconds.....

The highlight was watching Moronica pull the letter “e” and promptly jumps into her best Bubba Gump impersonation...”eggs, egg substitute, egg cream, egg foo young, egg nog, egg gumbo, egg quesadilas, egg cocktail.”

I’ll skip the rest, for your benefit.. Oh great, commercials...finally.

Back from commercials, we get to see the lighter side of BB2 as we get a segment on the pet pig. First Blista and Moronica take a shower together while the pig watches. Then Buffy says in the DR, “I’ve been trying to figure out the pig’s strategy, but I don’t know pig latin.” Apparently, you don’t know funny either.

Alright, now more b!tching from Blista and Moronica about Will. Will turns it around and gets all the idiots together to b!tch at each other while Will sits back and mocks them from afar. Damn him! During the meeting the hamsters take turns playing a game of “self delusional rationalization”......the best example was when Blista tried to claim that the UT was not an alliance, but a group of people who hung out together and plotted against everyone else. Well, I’m glad we we’re able to sort that out once and for all.

Now comes the part where the HoH gets ready for nominations. Nic-Ho does her usual bit of crying and kissing ass over all the people she already stabbed in the back and voted out of the house who not coincidentally now make up the final jury.

At the nomination table, its good to see Blista finally showed up in clothes for the first time...but, its even better to see her get nominated two minutes later. I love it. Nic-Ho nominates Dumb & Dumber in order to break up their shared-half-a-brain alliance. Moronica responds to her nomination with her usual non-speak and its getting late, so I’m not even gonna bother trying to figure it out. Alright, that’s enough of this retarded show....the only good news that came out of tonight’s installment is that a week from now, we won’t have to see one of those two morons ever again. Yeah!

I’m tired and ready for bed.