Someone help me, I swore I wasn't going to watch Big Brother 8 this year.

Or even venture into the BB forums. But here I am. A BB virgin.

At least I have an excuse for missing the first seven seasons of BB. How many of you think this kind of show would be considered a negative, even dangerous, cultural influence by culturally conservative countries in SE Asia and elsewhere? That's right, let's see all your hands. Bingo. So here I am back in the U.S. to witness cultural travesty and debauchery first-hand. For one episode. Just maybe two. Maybe even more. Maybe I don't know. Maybe it'll be like {fill in the blank}, and I won't be able to get enough of it. Ever.

I have no choice. I've been drafted to write the premier summary. That means research. Into the show. Into the people who watch it. And into the worn, thread-bare fabric of these and other message boards (right, BigTribe?). But you'll never hear the silent screams of a BB virgin in the throes of being deflowered.

And the only question in my mind is this: After tonight, will I come back for more? Will the virgin viewing experience leave me craving for another frenzy? Or will I run from it all, streaking out of this house in sheer madness, never to be seen in these parts again? Time will tell, time will tell.

A Sharnina Production

And even with the "enemy twist" this season, I've already figured out that every BB contestant is their own worst enemy.