LAST EDITED ON 04-16-02 AT 09:07 PM (EST)

Warning: This summary contains offensive language, violence, graphic descriptions of sexual acts, and other comments designed to equally offend everyone. If you weren’t offended by this summary, then write one yourself! You have been warned. No persons, clowns, Tigers, or Evil Berts were harmed in the writing of this summary, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying.

Okay, the popcorn is popped, the Coca-Cola is poured, and I’m ready to sit back and watch the Championship! I am almost as excited as the gallery at the 18th green. An old man in a green jacket intones “Fore, please! Tiger Woods now drivin’.” Tiger tees off and the last group is on the course-- wait a minute… oh, sorry, you were expecting the Combat Missions team championship. Well, there IS some green here, too… Lets see, there’s some former Green Berets, some green combat fatigues, and some rather green looking food in the mess hall.

As Combat Missions shows its opening credits, one of the contestants yells “Are you not en-ter-tained?!?!” No, we’re not en-ter-tained. We’re morbidly fascinated by this program, some of us tuning it to see just how ineptly a military mission can be carried out, some of us tuning in to enjoy Scott Helvenston rant and rave and generally make a cl…clump of himself. (No, I wouldn’t call him a clown… that would be insulting to the clowns! And you never know if one of them is loaning Evil Bert a flamethrower…)

Entertained? Yeah, right.

This episode is brought to you by the letters “N”(-word), “F”(-word), “O.R.P.”,
the numbers “955” and “50”,
the words “clump”, “championship” and “teammate!”(note the exclam),
a lot of yelling, several MB ironic moments, and some very bad flute playing.

Evolution 13 – The Team Championship – Bravo (6-0) v. Delta (5-1)

A new opening scene! Dexter Fletcher is playing his flute. It’s a quality of sound that reminds one of the samurai of Japanese music, discordant and reaching. Remember how Jody Taylor told us that Dexter’s true calling is porn movies? Well, the Lady Major, “B.J.” Myers, is finding that out. As Dexter plays his musical instrument, “B.J.” is using her lips on Dexter’s “flute”, her blonde hair cascading down her shoulders... No wonder his music is so discordant! The notes get higher and higher and higher, reaching a crescendo, then suddenly drop back down… oh, sorry, that didn’t really happen, just wishful thinking on my part to add a bit of excitement to this otherwise dull, dry and dusty show.

“FALL IN!!!” yells the voice of Sgt. Maj. Voiceover. The two tribes, er… make that squads, fall into place. Should I skip this part? Wait! Someone is not there! Baz reports “one man er… injured.” The shocked Sergeant Major asks what’s up. Baz looks embarrassed.

Okay, if you can’t guess who the one guy not falling in happens to be, then you need to be locked into a room and given a thorough indoctrination of the OutfrontGirl Theory. Yes, that’s right, our missing soldier is none other than Scott Helvenston! He’s apparently upset about something. We can tell because he’s ranting and raving. The teams fall back out as Delta tries to get Helvenston calmed down. In confessional, Baz says he should have seen this coming and done something about it. Hey Baz, maybe a blanket party might have helped? Maybe a crowbar? Fletcher’s flute? (either one…)

Kain, the Bravo leader, is ticked off because everything is halted just because of one man. Meanwhile, cut to Helvenston talking to Baz. Apparently Helvenston is not happy about Winn’s performance level. “He’s a clump!” says Helvenston. I’m not sure what that means, but at least it’s not the “N”-word… and with the way Mark Burnett treats black men on his reality TV shows, you never know what might be said next.

Winn enjoys Helvenston’s discomfiture from a distance as Helvenston uses words that cannot be repeated on a family website like this one. Even Evil Bert covers his ears as Helvenston introduces us to new meanings of the “F”-word. Helvenston is saying that he won’t play the f-ing game, he won’t toe the f-ing party line. Baz is trying to calm him down.

On the other side, Bravo is really enjoying this display. They think it’ll help them win, and they’re drawing energy from it.

Let me just tell you now, MB has filled this episode with ironic, hypocritical statements by these contestants. The first we are treated to is from Helvenston: “I’m psychologically disturbed.” says Helvenston. Why Dr. Scottie H. Freud, what an observation!

Baz talks to Winn. “I know you’ll do the right thing.” Baz tells Winn. I’m not sure what that means, but Winn sees Major “B.J.” Myers walking by and asks to borrow Dexter’s flute. Meanwhile, Helvenston is so upset that he hand-climbs two ropes, going 15 feet up and doing a flip. “That’s the energy we need!” says one of his Delta teammates. Baz moseys on over to Helvenston and tells Scott that Winn is willing to air things out. Winn brings a little table out and sets it in front of him like some kind of pulpit. Helvenston starts ranting at Winn, saying something about “Wild Bill” (Nissan, the new man on the team) being there only one day and putting out.

“Well?! Why haven’t you put out yet, teammate!?!” yells Helvenston. “Because I don’t have a pu$$y like you to put out with, little girl!” replies Winn.

No, he didn’t really say that… one of those cases of me hearing what I want to hear. Winn does say “Come to me man-to-man! Don’t scream like a little girl!” Winn advances on Helvenston, who backs off, looking for his mommie’s skirts to hide under, a worried look on his face. “I’m no pushover!” continues Winn, “You yelling like you’re somebody! You come to me man-to-man!” Helvenston has shut up and is about to run away like the coward he is, but then DARNIT! we go to commercial…

Back from the commercial, Helvenston finally says “I don’t want you on the team.” Winn yells back “Well, I don’t want YOU on the team!” Unfortunately for Winn, this is a Mark Burnett show, so the black man has to be shown up. To that effect, Baz and the others start giving Winn a hard time about not being a team player. Winn, who was probably briefed during the commercial, says he’s for the team. In fact, he gets all contrite and apologetic. “I hope you forgive me.” Winn says to the team. Baz offers Helvenston the last word. “Scott, you get the last word.” says Baz.

Another MB Ironic Moment: “I don’t have anything to say.” says Helvenston. About friggin’ time, Scottie-boy! Scottie walks off, getting out of there before Winn does to him what Spicer did to Helvenston last week.

Cut to Bravo in their tent, enjoying the whole thing. The Sgt. Major goes in to give them a timetable update. Bravo asks if a mediator has been brought in. As usual, the Sgt. Major misses giving a potentially humorous reply, but Bravo says “Bring in someone from KinderCare!”, drawing laughs.

Baz talks to Helvenston some more to calm him down. Helvenston finally says “Okay, we’ll play, and we’ll bring the clump along with us.”

TREEMAIL!!!

Jump into the water
But don’t touch the dock,
Or Sgt. Major Voiceover
Just might clean your clock!

Fifty points we are meting,
It’s important, as you know,
Because we keep on repeating
That the loser leaves the show.

It’s our first exercise and it’s the exciting Helocasting. Four players from each team will jump out of a perfectly good aircraft (helicopter), falling 40 feet or so into the water, then swim to the boats moored to the dock. Two others will swim with 50 pound packs from the side of the lake to the same boats. The object is to row the boats across the lake, then fire a round downrange. The Voiceover that is Sgt. Maj. Voiceover says that the dock may NOT be used for this exercise.

Here we go! They jump into the water (that looks like fun! I’ve dropped 40 feet into water, but that was from a rope, not a chopper… I’m soooooo deprived! ) and swim to the dock.

Guess who gets there first. And guess who gets onto the dock? If you didn’t guess “Helvenston”, then stop reading now before you hurt yourself. We’ll just have to spoon-feed you the rest of this, I guess.

Sgt. Maj. Voiceover is blowing his whistle like crazy (it’s a voiceover of a whistle, no less!) and yelling at Helvenston to get off the dock. Cut to a Bravo (I don’t KNOW which one, they’ve never introduced the contestants from Bravo!!!) confessional “We didn’t know that Delta had actually, like, broken a, y’know, rule or anything.” Bravo successfully navigates the lake and fires a weapon downrange. Afterwards, the Sgt. Major says “Bravo won this when HELVENSTON jumped on the dock. If you don’t want to listen to me, fine! I am the Ser--”

Helvenston interrupts “We misunderstood, Sergeant!” That really lights the Sgt. Major’s fuse. “YOU DIDN’T MISUNDERSTAND ANYTHING!” he yells at Helvenston.

Cut to a confessional of SGM Voiceover, and another MB Ironic Moment: “I don’t need complainers, I need professionals!” Ohhhhh, were you expecting to find any professionals HERE at Camp Brainstorm, Sgt. Major?!?! This is Combat Missions, Sergeant Major, not Iron Chef! (Have y’all noticed how I get an Iron Chef plug into every summary I do? It’s a requirement, y’know.)

Helvenston has a new target to rave at in the Delta tent. “I’m about THIS far from going off on him!” Helvenston yells, talking about the Sergeant Major. “I don’t think he’s acting… I DON’T THINK HE’S ACTING!” Well, Scott, he’d be the ONLY one around here not acting, if that were the case.

Bravo is loving every moment of it. Winn just gets out of the Delta tent. Back to the Bravos. Fletcher says “A little bit of Jesus would help him.” Fletcher, I think a little bit of Major “B.J.” Myers would help him a lot more... well, that’s assuming she could find Scottie’s “flute.” His manhood is in question, y’know.

Ciganik (Delta – and Pittsburgh SWAT, VampKira!) confesses that he is embarrassed for the Delta team. Sirker (Bravo) thinks that Helvenston is more Delta’s enemy than Bravo is. Meanwhile, Helvenston is still ranting about SGM Voiceover showing him up on the exercise.

Uh, oh, another MB Ironic Moment: Helvenston says “No one deserves to be humiliated like that!” This from the guy who has humiliated his squad, this show, the Navy SEALS, and the armed forces of the United States in general…

Thankfully, we can move along to the Mission Briefing. Thankfully, did I say? The first thing the Sgt. Major tells us is that this will be one team’s last mission.

Yes… thankfully, I said.

I know the suspense is killing you: the title of the mission IS… * drumroll * “Fuel Dump Demolition” Ta-da! Okay, no effort on my part is going to make that any more exciting, so moving steadily along: The mission is to blow up a fuel dump that several planes have failed to destroy. Some of the planes were shot down. The teams are told to call HQ when they reach the O.R.P. (“Objective Rallying Point”, a designated place for getting one’s act together before assaulting the Objective of the mission). The OPFOR has AK-47s and a tank can come in for backup, so the teams will get a tank-killing rocket launcher, complete with MILES gear. “Any questions?” asks the Sergeant Major. Everyone shakes their heads, no.

“CUT!” yells Mark Burnett. Burnett whispers something to Bravo’s Claggett. “ROLL TAPE! ACTION!” yells Burnett.

Claggett asks the Sgt Major “Were there any survivors from the plane crashes?” and the Sgt. Major replies “I’m glad you asked that nice foreshadowing question! The pilots are MIAs at this point.” (MIA is “missing in action”, for those who didn’t get the earlier Helvenston questions right).

Mission planning: Delta is coming together as a team… maybe because they stuffed Major Myers’ panties into Helvenston’s mouth and taped him to the bed to keep him quiet.

More MB Irony: “This mission is Do-Or-Die.” says Baz. What, are they going to send you home or something if you lose, Baz? I really do wish they’d tell us…. (sheesh!) Helvenston adds that “We have nothing to lose, it can’t get worse than yesterday.” Well, it COULD be worse, Scottie, if Delta wins and we have to endure another show with your potty-mouth.

Bravo is loose and easy. They have a card for Helvenston, which looks like one of AyaK’s Lawyer Advertisement cards. It says “Need A Dispute Settled?”

We go to a commercial, and speaking of “putting out”: Eva Savalot is about to give it up to some stud in a phone booth. No, it’s not Clark (you-know-who) Kent. Unfortunately, as the phone booth windows get steamy, we are returned to the show.

Delta goes first. The voiceover reminds us that Delta is starting out with 1000 points because Helvenston was disqualified in the exercise. They get to the ORP and see that the OPFOR is beating the crap out of some POWs. At this point I know this is fake, because I know what really happened to every POW that Iraq captured in the Gulf War (email me through this board if you really want to know, it ain’t pretty).

Delta radios HQ, who tells them that the primary mission now is to rescue the POWs, and the secondary mission is to blow the fuel dump. Obviously this is not a Viet Nam mission, where our soldiers were frequently left behind and not rescued. But I digress. Delta goes into the attack. The OPFOR oblige by doing “John Wayne” runs into the open, their guns blazing away. The tank rushes up, and Helvenston gets out the tank killer. He aims at the picture of Winn and the Sgt. Major on the front of the tank and scores a bullseye, knocking out the tank.

Nutter manages to run forward and get killed. The rest of the OPFOR die as the Deltas admonish each other “Don’t shoot the POWs! Do NOT shoot the POWs.” Helvenston yells “If you’re an American, sound off!”, an inducement to any hidden POWs to come out and be rescued. The Deltas set the charge, get the POWs out, and blow the fuel. We see plenty of spectacular explosion scenes, then Delta rides out of there, having completed the mission in 25 minutes.

The Deltas are ecstatic, firing their weapons as they ride in the chopper. Bravo will have to be perfect to beat them, they tell us. (Foreshadowing? MB? Naaaah.) Back at Camp Brainstorm, the Sgt. Major rushes out to congratulate Delta. So much for his impartiality.

Bravo then runs the mission. To make a long story short (too late!), they shoot the OPFOR, rescue the POWs, destroy the incoming tank, blow the fuel dump, throw purple smoke, and get on out of there. Nobody dead. And we still don’t know who any of them are.

Cool music plays as they ride out on the chopper, letting us know that they did good. The Sgt. Major does NOT rush out to greet them. I guess it’s expected of them. No respect. Absolutely no respect.

Cut to commercial. Have any of you readers noticed that they never really show the back of the Chevy Avalanche? Especially in the “SUV” mode? Have you wondered why?

A Denny’s commercial features the best line of the evening. The wife says “You used to howl about my cooking.”, to which her husband replies “That was the smoke detector.”

As the show returns, we get evening/sunset scenes of the camp, the quiet solitude of missions well run. The teams file in for mission results. Col. Rudy shows his knack for understatement by saying “This is it!”.

The scores: Delta 1000, less 50 for losing a man, less 125 for 25 minutes. Total 825.
Bravo 1050 less ZERO for no men lost, less 95 for 19 minutes. Total 955. The best every by any team in Combat Missions history.

Bravo is the Champion Team! But Col. Rudy instead congratulates the Deltas for their competition, saying how proud he is of them. The Bravos just get NO respect.

Delta packs. Helvenston admonishes “We didn’t pretend, we got it all out.”

Another MB Ironic Moment: Baz says “Maybe we left a good message for America.” Well, Baz, the message you’ve left is that Scott Helvenston is a total embarrassment to his team, his nation, and the Navy SEALS. If you think that’s a good message, who would I be to argue?

The Deltas enjoy a product-placement Corona beer and have a final salute as we see scenes of their ineptness from shows past. ANOTHER MB Ironic Moment: Nutter says “I hope you learned to lighten up, like me!” Sorry, Nutter, I think Scott Helvenston didn’t get the message as you pranced around naked and generally made a fool of yourself.

Finally, they fall into formation. Delta salutes everyone in every direction, Bravo, the Command Group, then they salute the show itself… Come ON guys, just get the hell OUT of here!!! Rudy gives them the Salute of Death. They throw purple smoke and run out the gate to the product-placement Chevy Avalanches outside. The Sgt. Major kicks the smoke grenade away, and Col. Rudy and the Command Group wave goodbye to the Deltas as they ride away. Geez, who do you think they wanted to win?

Col. Rudy crowns the Bravos team Champions and informs them that they are $25,000 richer. Better yet, they’ll go for the big money and the Individual Title. Col. Rudy then says “You can fall out, have a (product placement) Corona if you like.” I’m sure Rudy was paid well for that spot advertisement. Bravo goes into the Snake Pit tent and enjoy Coronas as the Bar Skanks shower them with Kathy Vavrick-O’Brien Love Juice—er, make that the Bar Babes shower them with cheap champagne.

We see the highlights for the 2 hour finale, and FINALLY!!! they introduce the Bravos by NAME! However, we only see scenes of them destroying the Delta signs in the camp. NO spoilers from MB in THESE previews! Somebody call OutfrontGirl, we need her best analysis!!!

*** Contradictions don't exist. If you are faced with a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong. -- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged