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"Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..."
Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-30-11, 04:35 AM (EST)
 
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"Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
Does anyone happen to remember the mission statement we got from the casting department after the end of last season? The one which basically went 'If we don't completely restore and exceed all previous levels of star power next time around, everything we do produce has to be considered as an epic fail'? Well, mission accomplished: Epic Fail it is. In terms of celebrity tiers, it's hard to imagine a season Failing more Epically. Put it this way: when you can swap me in and not lose a measurable percentage of the wattage, something has gone wrong. You have to give them credit, really. It's hard to imagine any casting department achieving this perfect a mix of 'Who?', 'Why?', and 'Was everyone else dead?' without actively working for it. We haven't seen this kind of overprediction vs. actual results since the last time Donald opened his mouth and lies tumbled out. In fact, the lies could go dancing and draw higher poll numbers. Applause is in order, or at least surrender. Wave goodbye to your ratings, ABC -- but expect a thank-you card from Simon in the physical mail. Postage due. And if you haven't seen the list yet and don't understand why I'm reacting this way... David Arquette
Ron Artest
Chaz Bono
Elisabetta Canalis
Kristin Cavallari
Nancy Grace
Rob Kardashian
Carson Kressley
Ricki Lake
J.R. Martinez
Chynna Phillips
Hope Solo
...now you do. Well, maybe after twenty minutes of research. Why bother handicapping the field when the casting department already hobbled the show? 
Welcome to the first year where the professionals are the entire voting base draw.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-30-11, 09:27 AM (EST)
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2. "Who are these victims? " |
David Arquette: Indifferent actor who has produced some very indifferent films. Well, the best ones are indifferent. The worst ones are sterling crap. (Has somewhat better luck with TV shows, but only when relying on his wife.) Was WCW champion for a time, and ye gawds, do I wish Vince could tell you that story: the Wikipedia entry almost makes it look sane. One of those people you see everywhere and wish you could stop. Ron Artest/Metta World Peace: Insane. Dennis Rodman's spiritual successor in the NBA, only with extra in-career jail time and without the wedding dress. May donate his entire salary to charity. May show up on premiere night and take out the entire cast with hand grenades. You never know and you really don't want to find out. Must be really confident in the entire season being locked out, has one great escape clause in his contract, or just doesn't care. Because he's insane. Will flagrantly foul the panel. Will dance drunk, live! Will lock his partner in the basement for a week. Will cause the mass firing of the casting department, so at least there's that. And will make you wish for death: his or yours, whichever gets him out of your sight faster. Chaz Bono: Not his first reality show: was a team captain for Celebrity Fit Club. Beyond that, never struck me as being one of those big men who's naturally graceful on his feet. I suspect he may have the least amount of natural talent in the group and could easily be the most injury-prone of the contestants. Plus he has to overcome The Most Conservative Series Voter Base In America. It's a family show! -- which typically means 'we only accept one kind of family.' Elisabetta Canalis: I have not had sex with George Clooney. However, he did very graciously refund my money for a Batman Forever rental, out of his own pocket. Nice guy. As for her... she's a model, and that's about the sum total of all the States know about her. Kristin Cavallari: They will tap this well until it runs dry. Nancy Grace: May just be on the show to try and force Ron Artest into suicide. Will treat any score of less than 10 as an agenda meant to destroy her and will ignore any evidence of her own poor skills as if it was appearing on NBC. Cannot be sympathized with. Cannot be rooted for. Almost makes you wish there was a FOX News personality competing against her -- almost. If we are very lucky, her partner will drop her on her head. If we are lucky beyond belief, she might actually feel it. Rob Kardashian: They tapped this well. It ran dry. And then they dredged up the last bit of mud and told it to start training for the show. Carson Kressley: The fashion maven from Queer Eye, who has spent his time since commuting between shows, guest appearances, and hanging out in the background at Masterchef parties for free food. The most flamboyant of the original five, completely self-accepting while he's putting your wardrobe down, actually somewhat loveable, and will scare the heartland like nothing since Chaz. But all his outfits will work or the costume department will hang. (And therefore, will draw Kym. Just for the trauma.) Ricki Lake: Practitioner of double standards as art, religion, and non-codified science with a basis in the theorems of Because I Said So, That's Why. Has somehow gone through life without having someone punch her in the face: this really needs to be rectified. (Oh, Ron...) Can go away forever now. (Oh, Nancy...) And by now, I mean 'ten years ago.' Maybe fifteen. When was she born? Let's work from there. J.R. Martinez: Already has the spammer corps dedicated to pasting his biography all over the Internet, so let them tell you about him. What I found interesting is that he's a strict formula casting: get a soap star in every possible season -- at a time when there's virtually no soaps left. Essentially a dancing dinosaur: his species is just about extinct. Last chance to see... Chynna Phillips: Was in a trio for a while. Released a couple of albums. The first one caught, the second one bombed, and everything after that just about fell into that obscure category known as 'A somewhat normal life.' Not particularly remembered (and might be better off for it). Probably launching a comeback from this. May be confused with Chyna at any time. You have already forgotten everything I just said. Hope Solo: Goalie for the U.S. soccer team, which means that yes, she had a horrible summer, thank you very much, she doesn't want to talk about it. Should be fairly flexible, but goalie skills tend towards movement tracking and short bursts of desperate activity: this doesn't automatically make her a natural dancer. Does have a great name which, in the short attention span generation, might actually be remembered. (Well, at least the first three letters.) Could be the surprise landing point for casual male votes, but look at the rest of the cast. Probably makes F4 just because pretty much every female athlete makes F4. Doesn't seem to have a public identity outside of 'goalie'. Ron will be trying to corrupt her. And sleep with her. Ideally, at the same time.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-30-11, 11:01 AM (EST)
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4. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
But gee, who is the Monolithic Gay Agenda going to support this season? There's an actual decision to be made! And because it's a Monolithic Agenda where everyone is required to think and act exactly the same way, no one is allowed to split their votes. Gosh, this could totally determine who finishes in eleventh place!
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mindy23 1319 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Beef Jerky Spokesperson"
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08-30-11, 11:43 AM (EST)
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5. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
Stopped watching long ago. I got into the 'who cares' mode way before the snooze and booze fest really hit in. I was afraid for my health.Have to say, out of curiosity, I took a peek to see if there would be a reason to come back, and no. There isn't. Whatever else is on, or deserves to be DVR'd from the night before, or hey, here's a thought: maybe hubby and I will actually have a conversation?? THAT will be happening on whatever time frame this comes on. Tom B. I hardly knew ye. 
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Round Robin 2243 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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08-30-11, 12:23 PM (EST)
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7. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
LAST EDITED ON 08-30-11 AT 12:26 PM (EST)Can't really handicap them before we know the pro partners, but a few opinions: Ricki Lake-Yeah, she might be the biggest name of this bunch, but she doesn't excite me at all and I just can't see her lifting that mirror ball. Ron Artest/Metta World Peace/Whatever the hell his next name will be. Too tall to be graceful enough to win a dancing show, and too much of a wackjob. Kristin Cavallari-Who? Chynna Phillips-Probably too old. David Arquette-I actually remember when this doofus was WCW champion, which tells you all you need to know about wrestling. But this guy might actually be half decent if they give him one of the smaller lady pros. Carson Kressley-Not that familiar with him but my gut tells me this guy might last a while. Nancy Grace-She won't have much. Plus she's old as dirt. J.R. Martinez-Besides being a soap star, this guy is an Iraqi war veteran. That'll get him a lot of votes. Hope Solo-Drop dead gorgeous and an athlete. With the right partner she could be going to Mirror Ball City. Rob Kardashian-That's 2 Kardashians too many for DWTS. Elisabetta Kanalis-If she hadn't once been George Clooney's squeeze, nobody would know who the eff she is. Will wash out early like all the other models. Chaz Bono-Fatter than hell and will have no grace at all. Unless VFTW gets behind him he's a likely 1st round elimination.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-30-11, 12:43 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
David Arquette-I actually remember when this doofus was WCW champion, which tells you all you need to know about wrestling.So would you like to explain that fiasco? Just for the education of the audience. And also to explain why Chris Jericho will show up midseason and throw him into the band. Which will only improve things. And by 'things', I mean 'the band.' Carson Kressley-Not that familiar with him but my gut tells me this guy might last a while. To paraphrase HK, he lives on the narrow line between camp and parade, but he's completely sincere about it. He and Ted are arguably the only ones in the Fab Five to stay in any degree of spotlight, and Carson is occasionally adored -- when he's on his own. As a cohost in his own right (see True Beauty), he needs help. I'm sure he'll have some support and I don't think he's out first. It's just hard to see him advancing all that far. J.R. Martinez-Besides being a soap star, this guy is an Iraqi war veteran. That'll get him a lot of votes. Sure will. I'm just worried that it'll get him a lot of votes even if he stands completely still in the middle of the floor for two minutes every week. Hope Solo-Drop dead gorgeous and an athlete. With the right partner she could be going to Mirror Ball City. Would you place a dollar on Derek getting her in the not-so-random draw?
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Round Robin 2243 desperate attention whore postings
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08-31-11, 01:17 AM (EST)
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11. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
I have also heard that Hope is supposed to get Max, and has been telling people that. As for David Arquette being WCW champion, I can't explain that because it is unexplainable. That's how effed up that whole deal was. And if Chris Jericho came back and threw him into the band or bodyslammed him on the judges' table or set up a folding table on stage and powerslammed him through it, I'd say the rotten little b#st#rd had it coming.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-31-11, 08:56 AM (EST)
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13. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
It's basically a war of show rules: Maksim gets the strong female athlete, but Derek gets the ringer. Now if the strong female athlete happens to be the ringer... I'm presuming Derek wins. And laughs about it. A lot.
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millie 106 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Blistex Spokesperson"
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08-31-11, 05:12 AM (EST)
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12. "RE: Season #13: handicapping the -- oh, who cares..." |
Well, well well! ABC should change the name of dwts to dwtp aka Dancing with the Pro's! I'm guessing that alot of A- listers were changing their phone numbers when abc came calling. The men and women who were picked or "chased" after to do the show, I'm bettting on J.R. Martinez, Ricki Lake and David Arquette to go all the way to the finals. Out of all the contestants, these three are the only ones i will enjoy watching and vote for.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-31-11, 12:23 PM (EST)
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14. "Partners announced." |
This? Is almost funny. In fact, this looks like less of a random draw and more of a chart for just who each professional has recently pissed off and how much.Note that we have three rookies in the field: Valentin, Peta, and Tristan. And if you can't quite suppress the urge to say "Heavens to murgatroyd!", join the @#$$%^ club. David Arquette w. Kym Johnson Ron Artest w. Peta Murgatroyd
Chaz Bono w. Lacey Schwimmer Elisabetta Canalis w. Valentin Chmerkovskiy Kristin Cavallari w. Mark Ballas
Nancy Grace w. Tristan McManus
Rob Kardashian w. Cheryl Burke
Carson Kressley w. Anna Trebunskaya Ricki Lake w. Derek Hough
J.R. Martinez w. Karina Smirnoff Chynna Phillips w. Tony Dovolani
Hope Solo w. Maksim Chmerkovskiy
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Round Robin 2243 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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08-31-11, 03:46 PM (EST)
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16. "RE: Partners announced." |
My opinions, for what they're worth, which ain't very blankin' much:Ricki & Derek-Somebody must think Ricki will be pretty good or she wouldn't be dancing with Derek. Ron & Peta-Peta WHO??? Kristin & Mark-Ditto what I said about Ricki & Derek. Chynna & Tony-I think Tony drew another lemon. I wonder whose @$$ he hasn't kissed enough lately? David & Kym-Don't like the little b*st*rd but he's got one of the best partners. Carson & Anna-He probbly won't be THAT good but dancing with Anna he might last a while. Nancy & Tristan-This is Tristan paying his dues. Nancy will have no grace. J.R. & Karina-Due to his status as a war veteran, this guy will get lots of votes. And he'll probably dance better than enough people to deserve them. Hope & Max-Don't like Max but I wouldn't kick Hope out of bed for eating crackers, so I hope he gets his 1st mirror ball. Rob & Cheryl-Wish she had drawn better than THAT loser. Elisabetta & Val-She must be mighty freakin' hot to have once been George Clooney's squeeze, because she sure hasn't ever done anything to deserve being famous. Chaz & Lacey-I wonder who on God's green earth Lacey pi$$ed off to get stuck with this guy?
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qwertypie 9721 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-04-11, 04:19 PM (EST)
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28. "RE: Partners announced." |
I am fascinated to see how Lacey and Chaz will interact together. She had a wonderful chemistry with Kyle. I think, out of the female pros this was the best match-up for him (Kym was my other choice)
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Snidget 43862 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-31-11, 05:18 PM (EST)
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17. "RE: Partners announced." |
David Arquette w. Kym Johnson--Should be cute togetherRon Artest w. Peta Murgatroyd--Ron sentenced to death by newbie Chaz Bono w. Lacey Schwimmer--Her weirdness may work in this partnership Elisabetta Canalis w. Valentin Chmerkovskiy--At least we know the brother so just maiming by newbie. Kristin Cavallari w. Mark Ballas--Probably has some dance training if she got with Mark. Nancy Grace w. Tristan McManus--Grace sentenced to death by newbie. Rob Kardashian w. Cheryl Burke--Not ready for Cheryl to win again are they. Carson Kressley w. Anna Trebunskaya--Flaming flamboyance! Ricki Lake w. Derek Hough--She could dance some when younger, but I hope this gets Derek out relatively early. J.R. Martinez w. Karina Smirnoff--They want the heartfelt story to stick around a bit, although Karina often gets the short end of the stick. Chynna Phillips w. Tony Dovolani--I don't think this will help her any. Hope Solo w. Maksim Chmerkovskiy--My guess, the last woman standing in the competition  
I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
I want a Chaz/Carson/David finale. Transgendered on the stage, Transgendered in the audience and the Queer Eye guys in the audience as well. 'Cause it's a family show, doncha know.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-31-11, 05:39 PM (EST)
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18. "RE: Partners announced." |
Nancy Grace w. Tristan McManus--Grace sentenced to death by newbie.Sentencing before trial is her favorite thing! I want a Chaz/Carson/David finale. Transgendered on the stage, Transgendered in the audience and the Queer Eye guys in the audience as well. I honestly forgot Alexis was his sibling. (Or rather, who knew Alexis had a brother?) I wonder if he has her skill with angry confrontations? That'll make the interactions with Len extra-fun. I think Hope should be the last female in the pack, but I also think this will be the first season where you could realistically pin the majority of votes on the professionals. Either way, Hope should be in good shape -- but Derek is a permanent threat. There are also people who like Ricki. I find they generally can't explain why.
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Belle Book 3556 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Thong Contest Judge"
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08-31-11, 07:57 PM (EST)
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22. "RE: Partners announced." |
Here are my thoughts on each couple:David & Kym -- should get past the half-way point, but I don't see Kym winning a third time. Ron & Peta -- one of the first three out. Chaz & Lacey -- probably also one of the first three out. Elisabetta & Valentin -- won't get too far. Kristin & Mark -- might make the finals, but might not either. Nancy & Tristan -- one unpopular "celebrity" + one unknown pro = one of the first three out. Rob & Cheryl -- might make the halfway point, might not. Carson & Anna -- will probably make it past the halfway point but probably won't win. Ricki & Derek -- they might make the finals -- or might not. J.R. & Karina -- probably will make the finals unless J.R. is a bad dancer. Chynna & Tony -- see Rob & Cheryl. Hope & Maks -- I'll probably vote for them. They'll probably make the finals. 
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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08-31-11, 05:57 PM (EST)
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19. "In which Wikipedia attempts to explain the WCW thing." |
"In 2000, after filming the World Championship Wrestling (WCW) produced movie Ready to Rumble, Arquette was brought into WCW storylines. He made his first appearance on the April 12 episode of Thunder, first sitting in the crowd then leaping into the ring to take part in a worked confrontation with Eric Bischoff and his New Blood stable. Afterwards he was placed into an alliance with Chris Kanyon and the reigning WCW World Heavyweight Champion Diamond Dallas Page, and with their help defeated Bischoff in a singles match in the April 24 episode of WCW Monday Nitro. On the following Thunder (April 26), Arquette teamed with Page in a match against Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett with the stipulation that whichever man got the pin would take the championship. Arquette pinned Bischoff again in the match's finish, receiving the WCW World Heavyweight Championship in the process.During his time as champion, Arquette was mostly used as comic relief. He only appeared on two shows as champion, the May 1 Nitro and May 7 Slamboree pay-per-view. During the former, a vignette was shown, filmed on the set of Arquette's film 3000 Miles to Graceland, which also featured his wife, Courteney Cox, and their co-star, Kurt Russell. In the vignette, Courteney informs Russell that Arquette is the WCW Champion, causing Russell to laugh and walk off and Arquette to chase after him with a steel chair. In another portion of the show he's seen backstage wetting himself in fear and attempting to "give back" the belt. He did, however, successfully defend the belt against Tank Abbott with help from Diamond Dallas Page. He held the championship until the May 7 Slamboree pay-per-view. During the show he was booked to defend the championship against Jarrett and Page in a Triple Cage--the same match featured in the climax of Ready to Rumble--and ended up turning on Page in the end, giving the victory to Jarrett. He made another appearance after Slamboree, cutting a promo on the May 8 Nitro explaining that his entire friendship with Page and title run was a "swerve," prompting Page to run to the ring and deliver a Diamond Cutter to him. Arquette made one final appearance with WCW at the New Blood Rising pay-per-view on August 13, when he interfered in a match between Buff Bagwell and Kanyon. Arquette was vehemently against becoming the WCW World Champion, believing that fans (like himself) would detest a non-wrestler winning the title. Vince Russo, who was the head booker for WCW at the time, insisted that Arquette becoming the world champion would be good for the company and for publicity. Arquette reluctantly agreed to the angle. All the money he made during his WCW tenure was donated to the families of Owen Hart (who died in a tragic accident), Brian Pillman (who suddenly died due to complications from an undiagnosed heart condition), and Darren Drozdov (who became a quadriplegic after an in-ring accident). After World Wrestling Entertainment purchased WCW, Arquette's championship run was listed as the top reason for the "failure" of Nitro in a WWE Magazine list. Part–time WWE appearances On February 8, 2002, Arquette appeared on WWF SmackDown!, popping up in the crowd holding up a sign reading "Former WCW World Champ." On December 13, 2010, Arquette appeared on WWE Raw, as one of the presenters during the 2010 Slammy Awards. He later teamed with Alex Riley in a former champions 2-on-1 Handicap match in a losing effort against Randy Orton. Immediately following the match Arquette and WWE Champion The Miz tried to take advantage of Orton, which led to Arquette being powerbombed through a table by Orton." Among wrestling fans, all this can apparently be explained by a single word: 'Russo'.
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JessicaRN 1070 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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08-31-11, 07:10 PM (EST)
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20. "RE: In which Wikipedia attempts to explain the WCW thing." |
Just some thoughts:I saw David Arquette on Oprah and he was disarmingly likable, open and realistic about his mistakes. Also, very uninhibited in how he dresses, so that might help. Hope and Maks reminds me an awful lot of Erin and Maks. They should do well. Chas makes me uncomfortable to watch. I'm not sure if it's his gender change or if it is his size and personality. On Celebrity Fit Club, he was definitely a hard worker and intense. Lacy will also get some extra media attention, so maybe she is happy with this pairing. I hope JR Martinez can dance, because what a feel good story. Interesting that ex-George Clooney is going Hollywood now that they split. She dances, he saves starving refugees. Chynna might be able to move. Is she married to a Baldwin? Carnie Wilson will be next. Why hasn't Stephen Baldwin been on this show? (oops, random train of thoughts)
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Loree 8616 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-01-11, 01:20 AM (EST)
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24. "RE: In which Wikipedia attempts to explain the WCW thing." |
I read that Elisabetta started out as a dancer. I was actually surprised that Derek didn't catch her as a partner.
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Round Robin 2243 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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09-01-11, 02:17 AM (EST)
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25. "RE: In which Wikipedia attempts to explain the WCW thing." |
Yeah, that son of a B Russo was responsible for a lot of $hit on the wrestling shows of that era. I no longer remember whether he went from WWE to WCW or vice versa, but he worked for both and did a lot to eff up both.
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Snidget 43862 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-16-11, 04:20 PM (EST)
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30. "RE: Program note." |
Can I refuse? I'm probably going to run the DWTS ECST in memory of Vince unless someone else is planning to step up (if so let me know!!!) and typing the MWP name gives me hives.
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Round Robin 2243 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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09-17-11, 00:53 AM (EST)
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31. "RE: Program note." |
World Peace, my fat hairy @$$. He's more like Metta World WAR to me, what with his history of fights and all.
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Estee 55195 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-17-11, 07:56 PM (EST)
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33. "RE: Program note." |
I think you're really close to something here. How about Starta World War?
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Sagebrush Dan 9824 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-17-11, 02:12 PM (EST)
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32. "RE: Program note." |
Joking aside, let me encourage you to do the ECST threads in memory of Vince. Great idea.
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p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
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