LAST EDITED ON 08-14-07 AT 08:28 AM (EST)The Final Finale, Really Last week we had the fake finale, it was meant to be a build up to make this final finale more exciting. Sorry Fox, it didn’t work, Rock the executive chef has been edited to be the winner of this show since the very first episode. Heck everything out there surrounding us has foreshadowed his win. Think about it. There are way more Rock songs out there than Bonnie songs. Off the top of my head there is “Rock around the clock”, “Rock and roll love song”, “Rocking into the night”, “Rock me gently”, “If I could sing you a rock and roll song”, “Rock-a-bye baby”, “Like a Rock”, “Rock Lobster”, and on and on. Heck there are a bunch of different genres of music called Rock, soft rock, hard rock, pop rock, rockabilly, punk rock, classic rock, acid rock, again the list goes on. And what do we have of Bonnie? “My Bonnie lies over the ocean” Sure there are the Bonnie Bonnie banks of Loch Lomand, but again, Bonnie is buried by all the Rock references. Next you have a bunch of geography that foreshadows the eventual winner. The Rock of Gibralter, Moon Rocks, Plymouth Rock, and variations that are more subtle like Stone Mountain and of course Mount Rushmore. Nothing Bonnie except the seascapes in Scotland. No comparison, Rock wins hand down. Rocky Road, Rock Hudson, Knute Rockne, Hard Rock Café, Rock Zilla, Rocky, and lest I bore you with continuing let’s agree on this, the world is a wonderful place because we are the third Rock from the sun, something which Bonnie can not claim. Oh and one more thing, in a game of Rochambo you can win by throwing a Rock not a Bonnie. Even the producers picked Rock to win it all from day one, look at the competition they gave him, let’s recap: Aaron the 48 year old retirement home “chef”. Ha, laughable, I have been to several retirement homes, have you seen the food they cook? They take the worst ingredients possible because they know the old folks can’t taste it, blend it up into mush, don’t season it, and serve it in blobs of green, brown, and off white. Not to mention that he was a blubbering fainting basket case. Eddie the 28 year old grill cook who worked his fingers to the bone, a little on the frail side, had bad breath and was a total train wreck. You could even go so far as to say that he was, wait for it…a super calloused fragile mistake with chronic halitosis. (Even though the sound of it is really quite precocious, humor me, K?!) Vinnie the “oops I can’t cook risotto” night club chef, Josh the up and down psychotic who you can’t even call a sous chef because he is a “junior” sous chef, this kid still thinks he can cook even after he had to be savagely tossed out of Ramsay’s kitchen because he sucked so bad, and Brad who is so lame I can’t even remember him and what he did or didn’t do, was he on this show? Then there were the Hell’s Bitches who the best of the best is a nanny that doesn’t clean or do windows. Her biggest competition was from Julia whose cooking experience prior to coming on the show was to toss down scattered, smothered and covered hash browns at the local Waffle House and the frugal gormet Jen who throws out spaghetti but then recycles it because “it was on top”…Bonnie has come a long way baby, but not enough to overcome the huge advantage that Rock has. So the final finale hasn’t even started yet and we know who is supposed to win. It might be more fun to count how many times Chef Ramsay has to cuss tonight. Last week they brought in six ex-candidates all that had to resign their chefs jackets, but now they are back to help the two get through the dinner service. Battle lines are drawn and it is men against the women in yet another battle of the sexes. In the bedroom Bonnie tells her team “I picked you because you sucked less than the first two bitches that got sent packing and you are way better than the boys. Girls rule, boys drool, I’m really happy to have you on my team.” Rock also is shown with his team, he too is happy with his choices. Of course he had last pick each round but that is no problem, he has the world on his side and we know he is going to win. But there are question marks on each side. Rock has to deal with Vinnie, Josh, and Brad. Josh lacks confidence and doesn’t trust himself, but Rock steps up, takes control and gives him a good pep talk, what he needs to do is give this kid a kick in the ass ‘cause no amount of talking, yelling, screaming, or cajoling will get through to this lunkhead. It’ll be nice to see Rock finally grow a pair. Bonnie will have her hands full with Melissa, Jen, and Julia. Julia is still so bitter from not being in the final two, she is more bitter than Lex when he got back stabbed by Rob on Survivor (that folks is the gratuitous nod toward the king of all reality shows, I promise not to say another word in this summary about what a truly great show it is.), she even pledges her allegiance to the Rock. Rock has a detailed plan and breaks everything down into stations, assigning duties based on the strengths and weaknesses of his team. Bonnie has no recipes for the things on her menu and she hasn’t tried them out yet, but no problem, she lounges back on the couch and acts as though the details will take care of themselves when it is time to hit the kitchen. Little details, like figuring out how many portions of fettuccini to prep for and have ready for her signature dish and other insignificant details like how many *cough* prawns *cough* to have on hand. If the devil is in the details and the devil is in hell, then it makes sense that the devil must be in hells kitchen and the person that pays attention to details will win. They arrive at the kitchen and both dining rooms are still under construction, booths arriving, wallpaper, mass hysteria. Rock confesses that he is relying on three guys to do the work for him, that he has to count on their hands. But is sure that he is Gepetto and they are his marionettes, he and only he controls their hands. Meanwhile Bonnie and Julia get into their first tiff as Julia doesn’t want to be bossed around. Bonnie is called out to her dining room to receive bad news, they are running out of wallpaper. Not a huge deal, not anywhere near as bad as it would be to run out of a major ingredient in a signature dish, for example. But Bonnie does pay attention to detail as she sees a bubble in the wallpaper 30’ above the floor above the lighting line, “Do you think anyone will notice it?” she asks. I doubt that they will, but I bet someone would notice if they ordered a signature dish expecting fettuccini and got spaghetti instead. Dude those diners watched the earlier episodes and with Jen in the kitchen no spaghetti is safe! But Bonnie has them get on a ladder and fix the bubble in the wallpaper, atta girl! Back in the kitchen the samples of each course are being assembled from each team for Chef Ramsay’s inspection. Melissa overcooks the prawns and Bonnie rejects them, she overcooks the prawns, rejected, overcooks the prawns, rejected again. Bonnie is getting frustrated. Sure enough during the taste test Ramsay praises the fettuccini but scowls at the prawns “these are over-cooked!”, Bonnie agrees and defends herself saying that she has already been on Melissa’s case about it. Gosh, I sure hope that after all this scolding Melissa doesn’t overcompensate as she has been known to do in the past. Both menus get mostly approval from Ramsay who notes that Bonnie has a dainty frilly girls menu and that Rock has a heavy beefy robust hungry mans menu, most importantly is how they drive the kitchen and get the food out. Thirty minutes til doors open and Rock’s dining room is getting the booths, Bonnie’s is ready for inspection. Ramsay arrives back at the kitchen after his operation, he had the thorn removed from his ass, I have never heard him have so many compliments. Her dining room is “elegant, open, and homey”, but he says the same things to Rock moments later. I’m not so sure I like this new Ramsay after having endured my first whole season watching his rantings, the old Brit kind of grows on you after a while. But still peaceful and calm he gives Bonnie and Rock their Master Chef jackets with their names on the front. I almost cried it was so touching. Final pep talks by both, the teams are ready, the doors open, the guests roll in. Both kitchens are communicating and moving smoothly, both sets of appetizers hit the window at the same time, what a start, what a race. Maybe Bonnie will pull this off? Nah, her team has dropped back into the non-responsive mode. Julia seems like she must have slipped out the back for a few Quaaludes because Bonnie calls out to her 5 times and Julia has the spaced out look and no answer. This for whatever reason doesn’t delay the appetizers and before another commercial break comes, Bonnie is well out into the lead as the men are struggling big time. Josh is on the appetizer station and fvcking up the crab cakes left and right. Burned on one side, raw on the other. He is slowing everybody down and makes it so that Rock is 30 minutes behind Bonnie and the girls. Oops, there goes another sauté pan full of crab cakes, now Rock turns into super veiny hockey dad and is blowing a gasket, again Josh panics and can’t get it done. Yet to hear the schmo talk he is the best cook in the world and he “can do this”. Josh is unbelievable! Ramsay notices that the crab cakes are “brown on the outside and shit in the middle”, he is back to his normal self again! Rock does what he has to do and that is get rid of Josh and bring in my cousin Vinnie to sink or swim with the fishes. Bonnie now looks like Julia dosed her with a few Quaaludes and is unaware of what is going on behind her despite having her name called out a few times by Julia. To boot there was this banter: Jen (in a loud voice): 2 minutes to the window, fire soups, 1 chefs salad, 1 scallop Bonnie: Jen I want to hear you guys counting down Jen: I just did Bonnie: No I mean it I really need you to count down, I need to hear you, where are my prawns? Jen: There at the window, I am counting down are you stupid? Bonnie: What I need to hear you count down, you’re driving this for me. Where are those prawns. Jen I mean it I want to hear you. Mumbling under her breath Julia sings “That deaf, dumb, and blond girl sure serves a mean meatball…” Then a game of Okra Okra, whose got the Okra followed by more histrionics. The worst news is yet to come, Melissa tells Bonnie that they have only four more servings of fettuccini left. “Why didn’t you tell me!” she shrieks. Julia mumbles under her breath again “Cause you to damn deaf to hear a word we been saying all night.” Bonnie’s executive decision, “OK, this isn’t that big of a deal. The wallpaper that was bubbled earlier is the same shade as the fettuccini, Julia start cutting it into strips and get it in that hot water now!” Jen overhears and begs her not to use the wallpaper, “We have spaghetti, please Bonnie let me use this spaghetti.” Bonnie is none to happy about using pasta from a cardboard box for her signature dish, she is quite certain that the guests will be able to tell that the spaghetti is an im-pasta (picture the word imposter in a Boston accent if you didn’t the first time you read that.) and she doesn’t want her signature forged, but agrees to the switch. The change up in Rock’s kitchen has worked wonders, as Vinnie is the shiznit on the fish station. This was Rock’s one big flaw, maybe he even did it to give Bonnie a chance to come close to beating him. Rock has worked with Josh the entire season and should have known he would have a melt down on appetizers, I knew that, Ramsay knew that, I bet even Bonnie knew that. It did make things exciting, and I loved the look on Josh’s face when he failed once again to perform. But now the men were cranking out the entrees and back on track and getting ahead of the girls. Bonnie once again is faced with adversity as believe it or not all the careful menu and prep planning yielded a prawn shortage. There is nothing worse than shirking the shrimp and she couldn’t figure out where they had shirked. Wait a minute, this is Hell’s Kitchen and just when you thought you had all the bad news you can take, bam, the left shoe drops. Now a customer is complaining that her Fettuccini Spaghetti and Prawns is cold and the Prawn is under cooked, oh Melissa, what the fvck! The less than palatable plate with the under cooked prawn is returned to be prattled upon, and the waiter is asking for a palatable plate he prates. “We have no prawns, no shrimp, no lobster, but we have plenty of crabs, you, you, and you” shouts Bonnie as she points at Melissa, Jen, and Julia the girls that she once was so proud to partake in a finale with. The waiter is back and says that the customer would rather have a plate of prawnless pasta than to change to something else, so Bonnie turns and gives the girls the order. No response. “Somebody talk to me, have I lost my team?” Bonnie asks. Julia says “We are cooking with everything we got, just be happy I’m giving you the food” I’m sorry, but you are a cook, in a kitchen, your job is to give up the food once you cook it, not keep it for yourself, that wouldn’t be any fun. Dessert begins and Julia gets into another tiff with Bonnie on wrapping up goat cheese. Bonnie should have fired her ass. Both teams press on as the guests enjoy their desserts, both kitchens do in fact finish their services. The girls kiss and make up, but is it too late? If you have been paying attention to anything you know the answer is YES. Rock gets a chance to see his wife and children and the editing sledgehammer once again whacks us on the head as Rock gets emotional and reaffirms that he is doing this all for them. Ramsay now has both teams lined up in the kitchen. Ramsay: If you could change anything about tonight’s service what would it be? Rock: I would turn the clock back 27 hours and win the food challenge so that I could have the first pick. Ramsay: And who would that be? Rock: I would pick Jen, she is the best chef here besides me, she is even better than Bonnie but the producers didn’t want a super close final finale so they got rid of her last elimination. Jen was so honored to hear him say that. Ramsay: And how about you Bonnie, what would you do differently if you could? Bonnie: I wouldn’t have lied around on the couch as if I was at a sorority house during that crucial time to plan my recipes, amounts of food, prep work, and everything because I am quite sure that if I lose it will be because I ran out of 2 main ingredients in my signature dish. At least she is honest even if she can’t reset the clock. So now we are just moments away from finding out whom the winner is. (The winner is Rock fool, haven’t you been paying attention to me?) Drum-roll please…but wait, Ramsay still needs to study the guest survey cards and make it feel all suspenseful like we don’t know that Rock has just buried Bonnie and is pissing on her grave. This commercial break reveals who the audience across America thinks is the winner by show of text messages: Bonnie 24%........Rock 76% But we all know that when you vote using text messaging that the results are unreliable so we’ll just throw them out and leave it up to Ramsay. OK, more pomp and circumstance and if I didn’t use blah blah blah it wouldn’t be a proper episode summary. So blah blah filler blah blah suspense blah blah open the door on the count of three blah blah one blah blah two blah blah don’t you just love my British accent even when I cuss it sounds freaking cool blah blah two and a half blah blah gratuitous shot of the crowd blah blah Bonnie’s parents who are about to be sad blah blah Rock’s wife, son and sleeping daughter blah blah three! And the winner is…wait for it
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I done told you already at the very beginning, you could have saved yourself all this reading, all the bad puns and silly jokes, all the prattle and blah blahs, but if you are still with me and you must know, yes Rock won. And in a very Rockyesque moment Ramsay lifted Rock’s right arm to the sky and crowned him champion. He won a quarter of a million dollars (before taxes) and gets to run the show at the Gastric Value Restaurant, Green Valley Ranch or Great Valley Resort or something like that in Las Vegas. When hugging his wife he said “Did you think I would win?” And she whispered “Yes, KObrien_Fan had faxed me a copy of her episode summary earlier this week.”Congratulations, we all knew Rock would win because who ever heard of a Bonnie Star?
 
Note: There are several references in this summary to other reality shows, some are obvious, some are very subtle. See how many you can find, and thanks for reading!
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Butch playing ball with Agman
