The powers that be over at FOX have come up with an idea very similar to Bravo’s hit, Boy Meets Boy! It is sort of the same concept in that they have men, straight and gay, vying for the attention of a caller. However, in this spin, we get a not-so-gaydar-perfect female trying to determine the gay men that are competing with straight men to win money.Our lovely lady is hoping to find love in all the wrong places! She has the opportunity to get to know 14 men and pick the one she thinks is the love of her last few weeks! If she picks a straight male, she and the male will win $500,000 each. If she picks a gay male, he will win one million dollars! At one point, our volatile vixen remarks that the gay men are only in it for the money. Come on honey…they are DAWs just like you and they want their 15 minutes of fame as well as the money!
FOX has been so kind to put this show in the time slot of Friday night at 8pm! Other than SVU, I don’t know of a program that has been a Friday night hit in a few years. Oh well, I guess we will have to take what we have. What we have is a pretty cute little show!
Just lemme rant here for a second. This show is given a cowboy motif and for the life of me I haven’t figured out why. Is this setting supposed to help the straight men, as they should thrive on a farm setting? Is this setting supposed to help our little drama queen determine the gay peeps easier? I have no idea…however; the name of the ranch truly is a keeper!
You guys ready?
You sure?
The name of the ranch is SIZZLING SADDLES! I think the last gay porn I rented had this title! I mean, come on folks, there are so many gay jokes to insert here it isn’t even funny. Why not just call it BLISTERING BACKSIDES, FIREY FANNIES, or HOT A$$ES?
Before we get to the show…let’s meet our lovely contestants!
The hostess with the mostess is Daphne Brogdon. She wears some of the costumes from that porn I rented…what was its name? Oh yeah, Sizzling Saddles! I think she was the drag queen performing I Will Survive! It was the first scene in the movie and she did very well, but the costumes were just terrible.
Our lovely gaydar challenged female star of the show…Jackie, a college student from Appleton (Lord help us if they drag out that ugly forsaken Granny Smith Apple from Forever Eden! YUCK!) Wisconsin.
Now for the meat and muscles, I have to say that this is arguably the best looking group of men on a single reality show! Nice scenery for the ladies and gay men everywhere! Here we go…
Alex is a law student from Washington D.C. He is very quiet during this episode and we don’t get a good look at him. He is someone that seems to get lost in the other 13 guys!
Banks is a software consultant from San Diego (this would be a great job for a gay guy, consulting SOFTware! An expert from day one)! He also shaves his entire body! Banks is very well built. He has that little puppy dog face that makes you want to go….AAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Bill is an event promoter from Valley Glen CA. Bill has rugged looks and seems to be very out going and out spoken. He also looks like someone that spends a lot of time in front of the mirror!
Bradley is a bartender from Pflugerville, PA. I hope the P is silent! Bradley likes to spend a lot of time on his hair! This may just be a problem for him in the end…not that end peeps! Get your mind outta the gutter! He is given a hard time because he is the only male to have a hair dryer!
Chad is in corporate communications from Autsin, TX. This job would give him great experience in dealing with people and communicating with them! I will have to watch him very closely! Chad has the type of personality that seems to be lay low. He doesn’t seem to be as out going as some of the guys!
Chris is a retired entrepreneur from Atlanta, GA. So young and cute to be retired! I may have to look him up after the show! There is something about Chris’ voice that makes me stop and think if he is gay? So many questions and so few answers.
Eddie is a schoolteacher from Miami, FL. I must say that they didn’t make school teachers like this when I was in school! However, he comes across as being dumber than a box of rocks!
Gust is a real estate agent from Chicago, IL (with a name like Gust, he should be a meteorologist!). Very slender man with some blue eyes. At times he comes across as having some feminine qualities and then other times I don’t pick up on it.
John is a bartender from Atlanta, GA. This guy comes across as being gay and I thought so the first time I saw him. I think I am living in the wrong southern state! John can be a drama queen at times!
Lee is a financial consultant from N. Huntington, PA. This guy loves to bake and cheesecake is his specialty…hmmmm. Lee is a guy that could swing either way. He is on my “I dunno yet” list.
Louis is a brokerage firm manager from Fort Worth, TX. Louis is just that boy next door that is so nice and kind. He should feel right at home on the farm or should I say Sizzling Saddles!
Luciano is a personal trainer from Miami Beach, FL. This guy is the best looking on the show IMHO. WOWSA! He has the looks, the body and seems to be playing the game very well. But, maybe I am just being bias!
Ryan is a waiter from Santa Monica, CA. This guy just has that gay look to me! Come on sweetie…you’re a waiter! I know that everything is telling me he is gay but watch him be one of the straights! This could be the one that messes me up.
Sharif is a musician from Arlington, VA. Sharif has some of the whitest teeth I have ever seen! Again, another quiet one that is going to be hard to call unless he gets more involved.
Well folks…there you have it. We have the set-up, the rules and the players. What do you say we get to the show itself! UMKAY!
At 8:00pm sharp the show kicks off with this warning:
ATTENTION VIEWERS: THE MALE CONTESTANTS IN THIS PROGRAM MAY BE LYING OR MISREPRESENTING THEMSELVES AT ALL TIMES, INCLUDING IN THEIR INTERVIEWS
Well, DUH! Do you think this may be the case? WTF are you thinking FOX, this is a television show with money up for grabs and you want to tell us that some of the contestants will lie! I am so glad Johnny Fairplay isn’t there because they would have to give us this warning every time he started to open his mouth! WAIT…did CBS give us this warning during Survivor 7? Man, that would have made the show much better if we had known in advance that he was lying!
Also, has anyone noticed since Janet’s “wardrobe malfunction”, we get a warning for everything? Oh well, back to tonight’s episode…
As part of the longest opening to any show ever:
We are shown different highlights of things we will see play out during the season and they explain what is happening. Then we are treated to one of the cheesiest theme songs in reality television. Here are the words:
FOURTEEN COWBOYS CAME A RIDIN
EACH MORE HANDSOME THAN THE REST
SAID THEY’VE COME A WOOING JACKIE
WE’LL SUBMIT TO ANY TEST
THEY CAME TO SIZZLING SADDLES (the ranch not the porno)
BUT THE THING SHE DIDN’T KNOW
SOME OF THESE RUGGED RIDERS
LIKE A DIFFERENT RODEO (we are shown a dog house with the name GAYDAR over the door, the dog is cute though)
JACKIE WANTS TO FIND A MATE
SHE’S GOT TO FIGURE OUT
WHO’S PLAYING IT STRAIGHT!
A voice over officially introduces us to Jackie and she is shown walking down a street in her hometown. A very pretty lady with dark hair and is very shapely. The voice over continues to give us information as we are shown SIZZLING SADDLES (the ranch not the porno). We are told that the gay guys know of the twist but the straight guys are getting ready to be told.
At SIZZLING SADDLES in Elko, Nevada (I gotta find this place!), we are shown the guys at a little mixer drinking, playing pool and getting to know each other. The guys are seated as our hostess, Daphne, appears. Daphne is wearing a tragic ensemble that consists of a denim skirt and a red cowboy shirt with black on the shoulders with white embroidery. She is wearing gold hoop earrings. This outfit does not suit her very well! She doesn’t need to go with the cowboy motif…it just isn’t her!
Anyhoo, Daphne breaks the news to the straight men that there are some gay guys among them. Ryan and Banks are the first two to make a sound, Banks sort of chuckles and Ryan says, “HOLY CARP!” Actually, he says holy sh!t but I really like typing holy carp and just had too!
Then we have one of those stupid sayings that I hope just slipped out, however, this is reality television and we don’t always have the sharpest tools of the shed. After Daphne says there are gay guys in the group, Eddie breaks his silence with the intelligent question of, “as in homosexual?” Those damn gay homosexuals are the worse kind, now the straight homosexuals are a totally different story! SHEEEEESH!
Ryan being the smart one of the bunch says, “now, here is the scandal, how many gay people are here?” Daphne quickly informs them that she has no idea how many gay men are among them. Sure you don’t Daf, but trust me, the gay guys will be the ones telling you to get out of that red cowboy shirt that does nothing for your fair complexion!
Daphne continues telling them about the money. When she tells them if Jackie picks a straight guy, they will split a million dollars…Ryan and Banks sit quietly while the others are clapping and seem to be very happy.
Lastly, our ill maligned hostess says that Jackie doesn’t know about the gay guy twist and it must remain a secret for now! We cut to Jackie’s hometown!
This little segment of the show is edited terribly in that we are not shown anything really happening, just lots of confessionals. Such as the guys saying they are trying to determine who is gay and who is straight. While we learn a little more about Jackie.
Jackie is from a very small town in Wisconsin and is shown in a confessional saying that she has, “small town values, raised to go to church, be polite and act like a lady.” This girl is gonna be in for a real eye opener. From the size of the town, it reminds me of the one I grew up in, there isn’t going to be very many out gay men and I wonder how much contact she has had with the gay lifestyle. This could be funny!
The men confessionals are not anything surprising nor do they give up much info. However, we are shown Eddie being dumb again. So, I guess my comparison to the dull tool in the shed was accurate. Eddie, Lee, Sharif and Gust are standing around talking while having a beer. Eddie comes out and asked them if they are gay. Now, how dumb is that? I am sure that Lee, Sharif and Gust would be willing to give up that type of info within the first hour they have met you Eddie! The money is worth keeping your mouth shut in that situation!
I am not going to include each confessional where we get to see all the men point to who they think are gay and some of the things they do that might make someone think they are gay. It is the same ole story and the things you would think they would say.
The next segment shows the men trying to pick which bed they want to sleep in. It shows them all running around like little children trying to determine where they want to sleep. We find out that Alex and Bradley are roomies and then we are shown some high fives but we don’t know exactly who are roommates. Then, they determine that there are two of them that haven’t found a bed and there is only one left! It is a double bed with Ryan and Bill battling for it. They decide that they will flip a coin for it. Bill calls heads! Ryan wins because it is tails (the coin toss…not his!).
During this little discussion of who gets the bed, Ryan has a confessional where he says that he (Ryan) and John have decided that Bill is gay and, “the guy is on fire”! EXCUSE me Mary; you better look in the mirror if you want to see what someone on fire looks like! (Now, watch Ryan turn out to be straight 
)
Jackie arrives at the ranch with Daphne still wearing that before mentioned mishap except now she has added a dreaded white cowboy hat. Thanks goodness she is wearing flats and not cowboy boots!
Back at the ranch, the guys arrive one by one on horses. As the first person approaches on a white horse we see that Jackie is wearing a white halter-top type blouse, leather skirt, white cowboy hat and sandals. She looks better than Daphne!
The first guy to arrive is Bradley looking all studly with brown boots, blue jeans, dark blue shirt and white cowboy hat. Jackie is about to pee in her skirt cause she thinks he is too cute! He shakes her hand and moves on.
The second to arrive is Ryan trying soo hard to be butch in his boots, jeans, red and white checked shirt and a white hat! He hugs Jackie. As we are seeing this, we are shown Ryan in a confessional saying that women like confident men. What about a nelly man there Ryan…do women like ‘em? If so, you are in!
Luciano is third and looks stunning in his jeans, white shirt and white hat. Jackie almost has the big O at the site of him! She says she thought he was so good looking!
Alex arrives, in his jeans, blue and white checked shirt and white hat. Alex is very quiet and doesn’t talk much this episode. They shake hands and he moves on.
Louis is next with a light color shirt and white hat. He just looks like a fish out of water here…strange editing.
Bill arrives looking like a cross between Jiffy P. from Survivor and Troy from The Apprentice. He is wearing a brown hat and a brown shirt that matches. They shake hands.
Gust is next up with brown boots, jeans, blue and white checked shirt with a brown hat. He looks like he is going to fall off the horse! He kisses her on both cheeks!
Lee arrives handsomely with a white shirt and hat. Shakes her hand and moves on…the guys are beginning to arrive a little faster to eliminate some time!
Chris arrives by kissing Jackie’s hand. He is wearing jeans, blue and white checked shirt and brown hat.
Eddie arrives looking very handsome in jeans and brown shirt. He doesn’t wear a hat for fear it would mess up his hair! Any good queen knows to stay away from hats in fear of that dreaded “hat hair”! Hat hair is not as bad as nappy hair but very close!
Next, John in his maroon shirt and white hat makes Jackie smile from ear to ear! He shakes her hand and moves on.
Shariff arrives and by far looked the best and he has a perfect smile. He is wearing jeans, blue striped shirt and white hat.
Chad is next to last with what appears to be a flannel shirt and white hat. Pahlease, get rid of that flannel shirt. YUCK!
Last but certainly not least, Banks arrives in jeans, a brown striped shirt and brown hat. He greets her with a big loud HOWDY! He shakes Jackie’s hand. Jackie has now met all 14 hunks!
As I write the summary, I have just discovered why we have the cowboy motif. IT’S THE BOOTS! Every gay man owns a good pair of cowboy boots. The best way to describe it would be the way women look at their favorite pair of pumps. However, the cowboy boots make gay men look and feel butch! Except for Ryan, nothing can make him look or act butch!
Now, we are off to dinner. We are shown the guys goofing off until Jackie arrives. Then everyone surrounds her. There are two tables set up and looks like they are just having drinks before dinner. Bradley goes over to Jackie and directs her to sit at the table with him and 5 other guys. All the other guys have to sit at a table without her. These guys talk for a little while then Bill goes over to the table with Jackie and picks her up and takes her over to their table! Jackie is all caught up in it! She loves the attention.
Before dinner, we are told about Jackie needing a hair dryer to style her hair. She asks all the guys if she can borrow one from them. Well, without thinking, Bradley blurts out that she can borrow his! Turns out he is the only guy that has a blow dryer…for the hair! Keep your minds outta the gutter! Bradley isn’t helping his cause here!
At the dinner table inside, Daphne arrives to tell Jackie of the twist. Jackie has a look of shock and then she giggles like a little school girl and says, “what?” Then Daphne tells her the things we have heard before about the money and how she can win it! Lastly, she has until the end of the night to eliminate 2 men that she thinks could be gay. This is actually only about 10 minutes! The one thing that Jackie didn’t like was the fact that the men already knew about the gay twist!
One final chance for Jackie to get to know the men is for her to invite 3 of them to a “swing” date. They get a small amount of time with her in a country swing. She picks Bradley, Gust and Ryan. She is shown asking questions like…tell me more about you, tell me about the hair dryer, and tell me about your feminine qualities. I guess nothing much new was discovered because those were over fairly quickly!
We are off to the barn for the elimination! You think I am joking, but it is a set up like a barn but they want us to think it is the barn on the ranch. Jackie arrives looking very classy in a black dress. She has to call each of the men to her and tell them if they are staying or going. The two she asked to leave can reveal their true sexuality. Here they are in order of the way she calls them:
Banks……….staying
Eddie………..staying
Sharif………..staying
Bradley…..….staying
Gust…………asked to leave…he is straight and the look on her face is as if she is in shock! She doesn’t wanna look anyone in the eyes! This is funny!
Chris…………staying
Bill…………...staying
Lee…………...staying
Alex………….staying
Chad…………staying
Luciano………staying
Ryan…………staying
Louis…………asked to leave…he is straight! HEHEHE! She is picking off the straight guys as fast as gay guys line up to see Liza!
John………….staying
As the show is winding down, we get to see more speculating on who is gay and who is straight. The show ends with “closet confessional” from each of the guys left in the game. This is hilarious in that they look like they are sitting in a real closet!
As the show comes to end, I am taken back to the one and only Sizzling Saddles! The show’s highlights for the upcoming season look very exciting! There is one scene where the guys are arm wrestling and one guys arm snaps under the pressure and you actual see his arm give way! IT IS THE.GROSSEST.THING. EVER! It looks like Banks…he says, my arm just broke!
Oh well, episode 1 is history and so is this summary!
OUT!
Director of Public Relations for GAWKUR!
I was going to include pictures of everyone but I was afraid it would slow down some dial-up peeps. If you want to see pics, go to the image gallery (just above live chat) about half-way down the left side of the page.
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