Last week, on The Apprentice: Two teams comprised of 17 induhviduals who have no desire to work for or even with one another attempt to complete another poorly explained, poorly planned, and even more poorly executed marketing task in the hopes of currying the favor of The Donald. This time the two teams are forced to convince people to text message Gillette about a new razor called “Screw you, Schick. Let’s see you stick six blades on a ¼” head.” Other than a $0.50 charge to their cell phone bill, I have no idea what those who called got out of this. Bowled Crush Corp. won because they got an early start, were able to find people with nothing else to do, and young project manager Lee promised his team he would brush his teeth, go to bed early, and not request a bedtime story all without being asked if his team won. Kenny G Corp. proved they suck as much as their namesake’s music by setting up where noone would listen to them. No, not The Boardroom, but Times Square. Oh, and Brent danced in a bathrobe. *shudder* In the end, Pepi was an ineffectual leader and Stacy was the latest in a long line of New Yorkers to not understand traffic patterns in.New.York.City. Read all the details by ARNutz here.
Which brings us to……..
Apprentice 5: Episode 3 Summary – Please, don’t squeeze the Charmaine.
So, back at the suite we see Brent and Michael return. Tears of joy stream down Andrea’s face as she is overjoyed her fears were proven wrong and Brent did indeed return. I think there’s some chemistry between those two. Trust me. Meanwhile, Brent is hungry. Afterall, it’s at least a 100 ft walk from the elevator to the suite, and the elevator didn’t even have a snack machine. “Whoever heard of an elevator without a snack machine,” Brent muses. “When I’m the Apprentice, I swear there’ll be a hot dog stand in every garage and a snack machine in every elevator.” And finally, after waiting through two episodes, Brent reveals his own miracle diet he claims in his bio helped him lose over a 100 lbs. It’s easy. All you do is put butter on every piece of food you see and eat it. When you find something that doesn’t go good with butter, stop eating for the day. It’s called the Better Butter Diet(copyright pending). After all, everything’s better with butter, right? Better taste, better living, better have a defibrillator available at all times. Eat your Subway-lovin’ heart out, Jared.
Before we’re given the next task, we learn from Lee that it is the Jewish New Year. As I’m away from a reference and out of respect for my Jewish friends here, I will not attempt to remember or spell/butcher the name of this holiday. So, Dan and Lee will not be participating in the next task to observe the holiday at the nearby synagogue. Lenny is livid. “Is ridiculous. If this were Eesrali army they no get day off. Why here? If we lose, they should both be fired.” He thinks they’re using this as an excuse to not work. I, on the other hand, am grabbing my calendar to see how many religions I’d have to convert to during the year to maximize my holiday potential.. Does anyone know when the Hindu holidays are? Are they too close to Christmas?
Trump brings the non-Jewish applicants and Lenny to the 87th floor of Trump World Tower. Are they there to meet with their next clients? No. Are they there to be able to see across the New York skyline to where their next task is located? No. Are we there only so Donald can show off that he owns an 87 story building in Manhatten? You better believe it. This week teams are instructed to host a retreat for Chevrolet dealership owners, featuring the new 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe. Carolyn and Bill will be observing the teams. In an attempt to bring up the Jewish demographic, Donald explains George, also, is observing the Jewish new year. Take that, Lenny. In actuality, Donald’s just making sure he can keep an eye on Bill. He saw those looks Bill and Ivanka exchanged at the last boardroom. If anyone’s going to be hitting on Ivanka, it’s gonna be Donald. Just ask his friends at The View.
It’s now time for Donald’s
sage business advice clue to who wins this week’s task. His advice? Always be flexible and have a Plan B. But as we’ll see, anyone not named Theresa knows this means you have to have a plan A.
So, let’s plan. Or not. But if we fail to plan, don’t we plan to fail. And, if in fact, we have planned to fail and do so, haven’t we succeeded? To answer this, we’ll check in with Cold Mush Corp. where Theresa is busy handing out tasks. First assignment is for theme and creativity which goes to Tarek. Yes, that’s right. Creativity – Tarek. Yaaayyyy! Empty blue bags for everybody! Theresa shows she’s open to the input of others by asking insightful questions like, “What did you just grab? Give it back. What was that? I need that.” and “Did you bring any mascara?” Theresa’s ideas for events include a chip and putt golf course, horse and buggy rides, a comedian, models, and an open bar. What does any of this have to do with a Chevy Tahoe? Absolutely nothing. Tarek tries to get everyone to think of a theme to tie all this together but Theresa cuts him off quick. Unfortunately only Tarek doesn’t see she’s already chosen a theme. From the events and the main subject, it’s obvious she’s decided to go with truth in advertising by using the theme, Elegant Crap. Lenny, sweet Lenny, gives us a summary of the session in confessional, “I wish her brains bigger than her boobs.” <cue camera for boob zoom>
Over at Kenny G corp. things are heating up between Andrea and Brent. Andrea, our project manager, is conducting an ideas session. Brent comes up with
an original something different the only idea he’s ever had and its not even his: massages. Way to stretch the old creative muscle there, Brent. Seriously, I think if Brent was putting together an event for Haphophobics, his first thought would be massage tables. As the rest of the group grumbles, Andrea does what any gal in love would do. She pulls Brent’s bacon out of the fire. Andrea claims she’s given Brent busy work, so that even if he screws up it won’t affect the team’s performance. This is obvious code for ‘If we lose, there’s no way anyone can blame Brent because he’s not even involved. It’s like he’s Jewish or something.’ Brent’s job is to expand on his Better Butter Diet (copyright pending)using only the items in the team’s breakroom. Bread and butter? Yes. Mashed potatoes and butter? Yes. Tuna salad and butter? Yes. They all work. Brent rushes back to tell the others. Meanwhile, his fellow Kenny G’ers have hit upon a theme: Nature Regurgitated. Actually, that’s the working title to the latest Survivor season. This task’s theme is Nature Refined. They’ve planned for fake rock climbing, fly fishing, and a simultaneous hosting of the 1st annual Dick Cheney Open skeet shooting tournament.
Setup for the Kenny G club went smoothly, until Ranger Rick shows up to let them know guns are not allowed in the park. Apparently New York is not as progressive as Texas and still has gun control laws on the books. So what do we do? Go to Plan B! Cancel the appearance of the Big Dick (no, not Lenny) and hit upon our NASCAR roots. Golf cart racing. 500 yards of racing at the breakneck speed of 2.5 mph. Does it get any more exciting than this? Apparently not, because the crowd ate this crap up.
Speaking of crap, we see Theresa is getting exactly what she hoped for – elegant crap. Golf course? Crap. Tahoe exhibit? Crap. Horse drawn carriage? Actually, the carriage looked very nice. But they do have a horse, so you just know that means they also got crap. The first headache for Old Lush corp. is a lack of electricity for the stage equipment. Lenny was in charge of the stage, yet Lenny sees no problem. “I see no problem. Is not my problem. Is no problem to joos make electricity. In my country, we make electricity out of potato and water.” Umm, that’s vodka, Lenny. Not electricity. After a confrontation with Lenny, Bryce makes a call and gets a generator delivered to the site. Twenty minutes before the guests are to arrive, Fold a Flush corp. realizes the only knowledge the models (hired by Charmaine, by the way) have about the vehicle centers around the back seat. Other than that, clueless. Bryce tries to step up again and delivers a crash course on the workings of the 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe. And now I’d like to give Bryce some props. He was the only one who seemed to have some direction when everyone else was so confused they didn’t know whether to scratch their watch or wind their butt. And just when it couldn’t get worse, in comes everyone’s favorite divorcee’ from Last Comic Standing, Korey Kahaney. After 25 penis jokes and who knows how many minutes of ::crickets::, Korey is mercifully cut off and given $1700 by the girl who hired her, Charmaine. Despite the crap, crap, and horsecrap, the event seemed to go okay. Outside the presentation of the truck by the models ::cough::Charmaine::cough::cough:: and the cold reception to the comedian ::cough::Charmaine::cough::cough::, the guests seemed to enjoy themselves.
Gee, I wonder who won. And I wonder who’s fault it is. In the boardroom we here quotes from some of the reports. For Rolled Slush corp.: “Count the ways this event didn’t sell the truck – free booze-drunk driving, one horse cart-no horsepower, stupid bimbos who can’t even open the car door – hey, this ain’t no Kennedy reunion.”
Kenny G corp did much better: “You had us at golf cart racing. The British accented tour guide just made the deal even sweeter.”
Theresa blames Lenny for the loss before they even leave the boardroom. Back in the suite, Lenny begins to call her on it. In the process he manages to piss off everyone on his team and most of the viewing audience who hasn't liked him since Armageddon.
For a summary of Kenny G’s reward, please visit animalplanet.com. I will say this, though. They all wanted to do it. They all wanted to see it happen. But in the end, noone had the balls to do it. Not even Roxanne.
Back in the boardroom, Sold Plush gets raked over the coals. Carolyn has three questions, “Who was responsible for the models? Who was responsible for the comedian? These were the things that lost this task. My third question is this. After handing you this lamb to be led to slaughter, are you too stupid to realize she is your only hope of not being fired? Theresa is too stupid and brings back Lenny and Tarek. The brakity brak brakking gets so confusing, Donald asks Lenny who he should fire. Carolyn again makes her points about Charmaine being at fault for so much. It finally sinks in and Theresa tries to throw some guilt onto her shoulders. It’s too late, though, and she becomes the next person to here those famous last words, Better Butter Diet (copyright pending).
Come back next week for Zipperhead's rendition of Grapenuts: Not just for hippies, anymore.