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PLEASE NOTE: The Reality TV World Message Boards are filled with desperate
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"Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless"
ginger 22511 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-10-03, 01:39 PM (EST)
 
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"Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
LAST EDITED ON 12-10-03 AT 05:51 PM (EST)There’s no use crying over spilled milk, so plucky Scranton Bestwestern and her gal pal Nickel (SL’s equivalent of the dark-haired guy from Wham!) resolve to forget their udder failure as wannabee dairy queens and make another brave foray into the Altus social whirl. This time they join a quilting bee hosted by what appears to be the Grandmothers of the Daughters of the Revolution. Nick’s free spirit decries the lack of “edge” in the simple double-wedding ring artistry of the bemused old girls and suggests a more “cutting edge” approach to their craft (i.e., “How about a few cigarette burns? Maybe some graffiti? Perhaps the incorporation of blood, or fecal matter?” (honestly, I only made the last one up)). Frustrated by the lack of enthusiasm with which her notions of aesthetic enhancements are met, Nick leads Paris the Heiress out the door, shouting offers to bear the accidental offspring of any of the Grandmothers' great great grandsons, if they act now (offer good for 5 short weeks!). Surprisingly, no Southern granny jumps at this chance to mingle her gene pool with that of the Commodores. Commercial break. See Fox attempt to span the demographics – everything from Dodge to Old Navy. Is it me, or is Lil Kim, a woman who has pasties custom-tailored to fit her aureole, a strange spokesperson for a clothing chain? Next Albuquerque and Niq (I know she spells it some cutesy way, I just can’t be bothered to remember how) join the Sonic boom and take on McJobs. (Do you know that term is in the dictionary now? It means a low-paying, low-skilled job with no chance of promotion. I am not making that up). Shreveport teeters up to cars with burger-laden trays on her sandpiper legs and I have to question what kind of advertisement she makes for the food. You’d think the deeply carnivorous customers would want to sit her down and make the desiccated waitress quaff a little protein herself. The manager asks the lissome lasses to reword the tasteful Sonic marquee and, giggling at their own bon mots, the girls put something like “Special Doody Anal Buttplug Weiner Dogs” (they tried to spell “booger” but it was too complex; the spelling of “Weiner” is verbatim). The Sonic Lady is – quell surprise! – unamused by the witticism and instructs the girls to “Take that wiener out! No one said anything about a wiener!” (I repeat. I am not making this stuff up). “That is seriously not funny.” (Actually, I thought it was pretty funny. I’m so immature!). Notably, the manager does not choose to mention the word “anal,” which the Young Ladies have managed to spell correctly; these girls never get credit for anything. The Sonic Manageress decides to discipline Beavis and Buttlette by making them don Sonic Shake costumes. I remember when my daughter was a tot; when she was naughty, I would make her go to school dressed as a Filet O Fish sandwich. She sure learned her lesson! I have, from post to post, referred to our stalwart farming family as the Clutters, an homage to Truman Capote (obscurity, thy name is Ginger), but given that the Clutters were actually slaughtered in their bunks about 40 years ago, I’ve decided the name might be a skosh goth for this American Gothic. Besides, I do not wish to be perceived as making geosocial slurs or anything, so from now on I’m going to refer to the clan as the Hicks. The Hicks are feeling embarrassed by the girls’ misadventures, so Pa Hicks marches them straight out to the woodshed for a sound whipping. Okay, that only takes place in Pa’s darkest fantasies; actually, he chats with them quietly for about 30 seconds. After a hard day’s work rolling on the floor of the Piggly Wiggly dressed as a giant beverage, followed by that really boring lecture, what’s a gal to do to unwind but hit the town Hot Spot and Watering Hole, Altus’ answer to Studio 54, “Hog Calls.” (Repeating. I am NOT making this stuff up). To me this name conjures up Ned Beatty squealing like a pig in “Deliverance,” but to Altus youth Hog Calls represents Xanadu (without Olivia Newton John, or the roller skates, or the attractive people). Paris does a pole dance--hard to tell which is pole and which is Paris--while Nicky kisses someone icky (she’ll eat ANYTHING!). Frankly, the only person on this show you can root for without feeling dirty is the youngest peasant, Braxton. While the Dynastic Duo continually fail to pull their own weight (in Paris’ case, about 6 oz., unless she takes off her mascara), toddler Braxton hitches up a stool, washes all the dishes, polishes the silver, rewires the FryBaby, and still has time for a little religious reflection before bedtime. Braxton is unquestionably adorable, and every time I see him I feel his little paw metaphorically squeeze my heart. I guess you would call that a Braxton Hicks contraction. Next week: Paris shucks a yokel. Or maybe the lad is simply confused by the “heroin chic skinny” thing and tries to use Paris to pick his teeth. Nicky finds a cure for cancer, and has her clitoris bleached.
EDITING BECAUSE HOW IRONIC IS IT TO MISSPELL "YOKEL"?
The mitzvah that is my signpic courtesy the genius that is our own JSlice. Such a nice girl! Now, have some more borscht.
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Ra_8secs 1081 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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12-10-03, 08:30 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
Loved all your re-naming, Ginger! Some of the beauties I loved: ... resolve to forget their udder failure as wannabee dairy queens ... Paris does a pole dance--hard to tell which is pole and which is Paris ... Braxton Hicks contraction Braxton's the sleeper star. I see a spinoff after Simple Life gets cancelled. The next McAulley Coffin (or whatever his name is). Did you notice how they were supposed to fill out W-4s, yet received a handwritten check w/o deductions made out to "Paris and Nicole". As Ayak wrote, the show's "totally real, not at all made up." And I loved your Dave Barry-isms -- "(I'm not making this up.)"   I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
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Drive My Car 20045 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-10-03, 10:48 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
I was gonna do the thing that Summary writers love most; where you quote fav little bits from what they wrote? Can't do it, way way too much funny happening here. Terrific summary Ginger!
You should sign up for more, you have a talent for this stuff. ( Oh, and I if you hadn't made me laugh I would have been despondant over the fact that *I* have a McJob. Why didn't someone tell me there was a name for it????) *hugs Baby! You made me smile*
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SilverStar 6205 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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12-11-03, 00:07 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
Ok, I know someone already mentioned it, but I have to tell you, when I read this line:
>Braxton is unquestionably adorable, and every time I see him I feel his little paw metaphorically squeeze my heart. I guess you would call that a Braxton Hicks contraction.<
I almost fell off my chair! That was so clever! Loved it!
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woeisme1 4059 desperate attention whore postings
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12-11-03, 03:43 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
 Ginger, I don't watch the show (and with your summary being prolly 1,000 times better than the real show, I don't need to, thank you for that) but just came to read the wonder that is you. Too much is funny to quote or I'd be copying the whole thing. Really. Mahvelous, dahling. You rock!!  A stunning Slicey creation
I was going to refuse to post to you but I realized that if I didn't tell you, how would you know I was ignoring you?--Pythonfan
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probably clueless 5782 desperate attention whore postings
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12-13-03, 03:33 AM (EST)
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14. "Clueless Religious Reflection " |
You ROCK spice girl.Dairy Queens, Quilting Bees, Fecal Matter, Doody Anal Butt Plug Weiner Dogs, Woodshed Spanking Fantasies, Studio 54 and of course the requisite Bleached Clitoris; these are a few of my favorite thongs. And you crafted them all into one wonderful summary. I laughed so hard I flooded the Everglades with alligator tears. Of course some of your obscure references and metaphors went over my head like the 5:15 747 screaming outta MIA but I’m sure they were very special. Are you actually allowed to say ‘bon mots’ here? Shocking. Impatiently waiting now for another. 
A Kittyloaf®Original
*One Legged Little Litter Box Minstrel Lover*
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AugustGirl 11534 desperate attention whore postings
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12-14-03, 05:54 PM (EST)
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15. "RE: Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
Ginger, this is terrific!The biggest laugh (out of many) was including butt plug in your summary. Poor Bebo. You.Are.A.Hoot. AugustGirl
proud to be one of ginger's honorary ya yas
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ego 100 desperate attention whore postings
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12-17-03, 00:03 AM (EST)
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17. "RE: Simple Life Ep. 3 OFFICIAL Summary - Darling I Love You But Give Me Rodeo Drive, or The Working Classless" |
awesome!
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