Official Summary “The Simple Life” Episode 1: Do They Build Arks in Arkansas?Before I start this summary, I’d like to welcome the new posters to the forums. Two things that can help you to enjoy things more around here: a) the knowledge that bashing shows and contestants is freely encouraged around here and b) a quick glance at the community guidelines. I want you to feel welcome here and enjoy your time, and these two pieces of information can help.
OK, public service announcement over. On with the shredding.
We first meet Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie as they’re being interviewed on the red carpet for their new show, “The Simple Life”. For those folks who don’t read the tabloids 24/7, we’re given a brief snippets on each girl.
Paris: Model…Jet Setter…Tabloid Target…Heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune.
Nicole: Singer (um, OK)…Daughter of Lionel Richie.
In other words, unlike most reality show contestants, they’ve earned their 15 minutes the old-fashioned way…through Daddy.
I’d just like to point out right now that my parents sent me to a crappy school. We never learned about cool professions, like Jet Setter, Tabloid Target, or Daughter of a Famous Person. We just learned about trivial career fields, like medicine. I just know I would have kicked butt in the Jet Setting classes if I had the chance.
We’re then given the premise of the show. 30 days with no money, no luxuries, and no clue. In other words, the life that most people live every day. How will these angels survive? According to their interviews, quite well…at least, as long as they can be posing for boudoir photographs in their lingerie. Nicole says that some of their friends don’t think they can do it, and those people can just f*** off. Say it with me, peeps – with friends like Little Miss Pottymouth…
Now we’re, ahem, treated to the theme song. Don’t get me wrong – I love a good song parody as much as the next person. I guess that’s why I hated the song. Let’s just say it has all of the twang of the “Green Acres” theme song but none of the appeal.
To add insult to injury, we’re now, ahem, treated to a redneck narrator. Note to producers: this hasn’t worked since Waylon Jennings treated us to a story about two good ol’ boys never meanin’ no harm. We do learn, however, that rich girls handle a difficult situation the way most girls do. When the goin’ gets tough, the tough go shopping. These girls are hitting the stores to make sure they have the essentials for their trip. Nicole grabs a $2,000 pair of shoes that will be perfect for the barn. Actually, they’ll be perfect for ho’ing, but not the type that typically occurs on a farm, ifyouknowwhaddamean. And of course, they needed a $1,500 carrier for Tinkerbell, Paris’s…well, I’m not sure what that is. It looks like a kidnap victim from “Queer Eye for the Straight Pooch”, or maybe a clown Shrinky-Dink.
Reason #1 to be grateful to this show: I have two small dogs. Mr. Bebo now appreciates the fact that I don’t, nor would I even consider, dressing them up like circus clowns.
Next, we’re off to a bon voyage party for the girls and a hundred or so of their closest friends. Note to friends: Some of you (if not all) were included in the group that Nicole told to f*** off. But where are Paris and Nicole? Making a grand entrance by helicopter, of course. (Their ability to make an entrance is a recurring theme in this story.) As Paris’s parents make a toast, Paris comments that this experience will make her appreciate her life more once she gets back. I’m sure Mommy and Daddy are thrilled, you ungrateful wretch. I had to turn away from the screen at the blatant display of affection between Paris and her mother. I mean, when Paris went for the air kiss, she almost brushed her lips against her mother’s cheek!
The friends show their depth of thought through comments like, “I’d rather give up food for 30 days instead of my cell phone.” Go for it. I’m sure your caviar and champagne budget would feed a third world country or two. And you’ll be able to squeeze into the latest fashions without liposuction – that would probably bankrupt your plastic surgeon.
Ack! This is going to be harder than I thought. It’s one thing to skewer a show when you can point out the ridiculousness of the situation, but pointing out the ridiculousness in this show is like pointing out that Michael Jackson is scary. Some things just speak for themselves.
The girls get into the limo to take them to their private jet, and the butler makes them relinquish their money, credit card, and cell phone before leaving. He then taps on the window to remind Paris that he meant her cell phone too. While on the jet, the girls try to figure out where the hell they’re going (their words, not mine) while wishing that the jet would just take them to Paris. No such luck, girls.
Their jet lands in Arkansas. As they step off the plane, they notice a whole lot of nothin’. No paparazzi, no red carpet, just an old blue pickup truck with a note welcoming them and offering directions to the farm.
Driving to the farm should be easy, right? After all, we saw Paris tooling around LA in her Porsche earlier in the episode. Well, a truck is definitely not a Porsche. For one thing, Paris couldn’t find reverse. For another, she could find drive. Nicole, who doesn’t drive, was having more success figuring out the vehicle than the one with actual driving experience. Drive in a circle, stall, start the truck, drive in a circle, stall. It brought back horrible memories of winters in Florida, watching the snowbirds attempt to drive. Ew. A sign indicates that they have now entered Altus. Population? Two too many now.
Meanwhile, we meet the Leding family. Mom Janet says that she doesn’t like stuff lying around. The boys say they’ll be nice if the girls are, but if the girls are snotty bitches, then paybacks are, well, you know.
Show of hands…who’s expecting to see some serious paybacks?
We also meet the grandparents, Curly and Richard. Curly is working on dinner, and that includes plucking the chickens. The grandparents wonder if the girls are going to stay. Cut to Paris freaking out over the fly-infested roadkill. Something tells me we’re in for some interesting Paris and Nicole meet nature adventures. (OK, they may not be interesting, but work with me here, K?)
The girls arrive, flying down the road in the pickup truck. We’re treated to the awkward introductions and comments about the girls’ clothes and luggage. Then it’s time to show the girls where there room is. Mom warns them as they walk into the room not to step on the well. Paris asks, “What’s a well?”
See if you can help Paris out by answering her question. Pick the correct answer from the following choices:
a) A well is where water comes from.
b) A well is what most people, even those living in the South, DON’T have inside of their houses.
c) A well is where paybacks occur for snotty bitches.
A clock in the bottom corner of the screen lets us know that it’s only been 5 minutes, yet the girls hate the place. Of course, the worst part is…there’s only one working bathroom! Aaaagggh! The horror! The inhumanity! How are they supposed to spend hours a day in the bathroom if there’s only one????
Since Albert, the father, recognizes that the situation is awkward (really? I would have described it more as excruciating than awkward), he sends the girls on a challenge. They’re expected to do the family shopping with just $50 and a grocery list.
Are they up to the challenge? Please, please, no wagering.
The girls pull up to the Quik Mart and begin their quest. As Nicole pushes the cart, Paris reads the list and struggles to comprehend the strange delicacies of Arkansas. Paris fights back her nausea as she asks where she might find the pigs’ feet. Next, they’re supposed to get bottled water, generic. Paris asks, “What does generic mean?”
See if you can help Paris out by answering her question. Pick the correct answer from the following choices:
a) Not brand name.
b) It’s like buying off-the-rack, only…hmmm, not making progress with that comparison, are we.
c) The tackiest looking box or bottle available.
The girls continue through the Quik Mart, throwing tortilla chips, bread, and other perishables roughly into the cart. Paris realizes that they should get “better” bread before they leave, since the bag they put in there had a dent they hadn’t seen before. It’s time to pay, and the tab comes to…$63.50. Um, they only have $50.
See if you can help Paris and Nicole out of this dilemma. Which option should they try first?
a) Smile coyly, tilt their heads, and ask, “Can’t we just have it?”
b) Go through the cart, pick out the items that weren’t on the list, and put them back.
c) Whine as you walk to the car about how those mean people wouldn’t just let you have the stuff after you smiled so nicely. Then shove the items into the back of the pickup, not forgetting to throw the eggs.
Hint: The girls tried all three of these options. Can you put them in order? I knew you could.
When the girls tried option a, the man behind the counter said no (with a distinct “DUH” in his voice) and asked, “Do you think we’re running a soup kitchen here?” Alas, his humor was not sophisticated enough for our socialites, since they had no clue what a soup kitchen was.
The girls arrive home after (successfully?) completing the challenge, only to be faced with challenge #2. Granny Curly calls for the girls to help her pluck the chickens. Paris and Nicole talk about how they’re not touching dead animals, they will barf, gag, ick, no, not me, not doing that, as they head over to the couch to sit with young Braxton. They then tell Braxton about how they are not going to pluck chickens and ask who killed the chickens. The perfectly adorable little guy tells them that the family did it. Granny comes back into the house to ask them again about plucking the chickens, and they again go through the not-touching-dead-animals-think-I’m-gonna-barf speech. As Granny plucks, she says to the camera that these girls couldn’t fend for themselves. After all, there have been times where if she was unwilling to pluck it, she wasn’t going to eat it.
If papa Albert thought things were awkward when the girls first got there, then dinner was a new level of discomfort. The girls admitted never traveling to this part of the country before, with Paris making the tactful comment, “I couldn’t imagine living here, I would die.” Nicole tries to find out if folks hang out at the Wal-Mart. Paris asks, “What’s a Wal-Mart?”
See if you can help Paris out by answering her question. Pick the correct answer from the following choices:
a) Wal-Mart is where they sell walls.
Why am I trying to write a summary? There’s no way I can top what Paris actually says. Between this and the ‘what’s a well’, she’ll put summary writers out of work.
b) A place where rich people think southerners hang out for fun.
c) A place full of bottled water, generic.
They all head back to the bedroom. In some of Paris’s daddy’s hotels, there’s a mint on the pillow. Well, the Leding house doesn’t have quite that level of hospitality. Janet explains to the girls that it’s a strange creature called a tick. Girls have to watch out for ticks (and crabs, oops, getting off topic here) and will need to check themselves for ticks after being outside. As various creatures crawl and flit around the room, Paris and Nicole run around shrieking and freaking. Enter Braxton, whose calm poise in the face of such obvious danger is an inspiration to all. Braxton pulls out his trusty fly swatter and kills the offending creatures. Woohoo, Braxton!
Note to producers: Couldn’t you just make a show about Braxton? He’s so cute, and he’s more self-aware and sensible than those two bubbleheads will ever be. He’s a star!
Before everyone calls it a night, Albert lays down the rules. He shows what a completely irrational tyrant he is by expecting the following:
- You will help out around the house.
- You will not take the truck anywhere without asking permission first.
- You will have a curfew.
- You will not curse.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think that Paris will have the hardest time with #2 and 3, and Nicole with #4. And #1? Oh yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen.
Out on the porch, the girls try to talk the older son into going out. He goes inside to get his jacket, and Nicole suggests to Paris that they have a threesome to “give him something”. Paris, leery of what can happen when sexual escapades are videotaped and fall into the wrong hands, doesn’t respond. As our unsuspecting Arkansas boy comes outside wearing his jacket, we’re reminded that there are
29 DAYS TO GO
Anyone think they’re going to last the whole time? Anyone think they’re going to last a whole week?
Coming up on The Simple Life…rule breaking, slutty behavior, putting obscene messages on Sonic signs, getting arrested, making the truck overheat, and sticking a hand up a cow. In other words, a pretty dull, ordinary plan. I just hope there’s more of that cutie Braxton.
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