LAST EDITED ON 08-05-15 AT 10:35 PM (EST)I’m being transferred. The new position means more money, more rewarding work, more perqs including a reserved parking space, and the use of the company helicopter for business. So it’s good. Real good.
But it means that I have to give up my desk and my desk friends. Francine, my stapler, and Todd, her co-conspiring stapler. She’s a white stapler. And Todd is a black stapler. When Todd came on board as my stapler intern, he was the first black stapler in the office and was very shy and unsure of himself. Best he could do was five sheets. Francine, with her heart of gold, saw that and immediately took him under her swing arm and went out of her way to make him feel at home and restore his self-confidence. He’s now at the twenty five sheet level, second only to Brutus in the copy room, who weighs in with the ¾” heavy duty 200 sheet staples.
Brutus is normally a nice guy but he does have his moods, and you really want to stay on his good side. When I was younger I did not know this. I still have my "lessons learned" scars. Actually, I still carry one staple that was imbedded too close to an internal organ to be removed. But it’s good between us now, we talked it all out.
That Francine gave Todd life lessons behind the locked door of the supply room did seem a little suspicious, but the improvement in both of their attitudes was worth it. Whatever it was. OK, I'll admit it, I was a little jealous of Todd at first, but he is such a nice guy that that quickly went away. No one made an issue of it, and in no time Todd was promoted to permanent head office second assistant stapler for the Scranton New Jersey regional paper sales office. Anybody but Francine would have been jealous, but Todd had become the son that she could never have (her paper positioner was broken during an unfortunate event at an office Christmas party).
So I hereby bequeath my beloved (wait, I need a moment. OK, better now) Francine and Todd to my replacement, Albert. I know that he always respected their supply room privacy, and will continue to use their favorite staples, Bostitch Cat no. STCRPGOVT, and that if the sad day comes and either of their anvils will no longer bend those staples or their tension spring loses its stretch, that he will afford them disposal in the Dumpster Dumper of their choice.
It was very traumatic for all three of us when Bostitch discontinued the flat crown staple in favor of the more modern raised crown design, so I know they won’t be able to handle those feelings of abandonment again. So I also trust that if the day ever comes that their beloved Cat no. STCRPGOVT replacement staples are no longer available, that they will be spared additional trauma and be allowed to retire with dignity.
God Speed, Francine, old friend. And God Speed Todd, you randy little tiger. May your journeys be long, the blotter on which you both shall rest be soft, and the hand that slams your staples use that sweet smelling kind of hand lotion.
Now, as for Oscar, my tape dispenser…OMG, I almost forgot, Luis, my loyal staple remover…
(BTW, there is no transfer, I was just staring at two staplers on my desk, and wondered what they were thinking and how traumatic it would be if I ever had to use a stranger to staple my papers.)
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