LAST EDITED ON 03-25-04 AT 10:07 PM (EST)
To twist or not to twist?
15 women who have picked Adam as their Prince Charming are being swept away by him. We are fed with the obligatory recrap: Women flew far and wide to meet this Average Joe and are picking up where Melana left off…we see the women arriving, and are told that 4 women went home, but really why rehash this when you can read Estee’s brilliant summary here: Episode One Summary
“I feel like a celebrity” gushes Summer and we are shown sweeping shots of the swimming pool, tennis courts, and woah…a golf course. All these amenities must be why the girls get sent home on a bus and not a limo. The women must’ve been given gallons of coffee before touring the house, because they can’t stop jumping up and down. They gush over the bathroom, ugly bedspreads, the lamp, the carpet, the spot on the wall…and what’s this? In the millisecond that the women have known each other Tracilee announces: “I hate all of those catty witches. I’m here for.Adam.Only. Why do I need friends when enemies are so much better?” As Tracilee is telling all of America how much she hates all of her new roommates, the other women have discovered these god-awful pictures of Adam growing up. (Obviously Adam didn’t read the fine print on his contract that said being humiliated by Melena wasn’t enough, they had find another way to do it and get a cat fight scene in the process of the humiliation.) Rachel declares that she and her roommate won the war of the photos and have a baby picture of Adam and is enshrined on their nightstand.
Big Bear Mountain Starring: Stephanie, Rachel, Summer, Heather, Elizabeth, Christine and Rochelle
The screeching stops and without warning we see Adam snowboarding down Big Bear Mountain like he was Johnny Mosely at the last Olympics.
Adam questions: Do I pursue them, or do they pursue me? I’m beginning to see perhaps why he wasn’t chosen by Melana last time around. We get to see shots of the girls attempting to snowboard, and one of them –Rochelle is terrified to get on the dang board. Trying to get in Adam’s good graces Rachel helps her out, and subtly, or not so subtly as it turns out, looks to see if Adam is watching…he is and he’s on to her game, and wishes that the girls would stop wanting his approval for everything little thing they do.
The girls really get into snowboarding, we are shown shots of them spinning, tumbling and falling, and well you get the point. Then comes the barrage of confessionals: “I’m normally the one who dates 20 guys” and “What do you mean you haven’t made a snow angel before, you weirdo?” and my all time favorite: “I really wasn’t drunk, I just didn’t have anything to eat.” (Cut to shots of her bumping into things.) (Did anyone else have a flashback to the scene of Amber saying that on that other dating show with Andrew Firestone? Or was that just me???) “My dimples are real…..I want to experience a lot of firsts with you, and add this one to the stalker category: “My boyfriend is someone who I’ve only seen on tv….”
The Hot Tub Date
Now we’re off to the main purpose of the date: the mandatory hot tube scene, **cough, cough**I mean one on one, get to know you better, cause friction in the house date. The hot tub girl for tonight’s date is: Rachel The hot tub date starts out pretty normally, with a lot of aimless chatter, then right before my very eyes I begin to think I’ve accidentally switched channels and am watching Fox, because the cat fighting has already begun. Christine and Anna’s conversation goes something like this:
Christine: Rachel is such a Media Ho. I can’t believe he chose her over me. What is wrong with that guy?
Anna: ummumblemumblemumble (shut up you b!tch)
Christine: I like, totally hate her. She knows everything about him. She must be the mole.
Back to the Hot tub
After watching Adam fail miserably at opening a bottle of champagne, Rachel decides enough is enough and takes matters into her own hands, and announces: “We’re going into the hot tub now.” Adam stalls for time by doing…push-ups. Push-ups? Dude, you have a girl waiting for you in the hot tub and you do push ups first?
Back at the B!tch session:
Christine: I really, really, really, really don’t understand this. What’s wrong with me? I still don’t know why she was chosen over me. Aren’t I beautiful, wonderful and all that? Didn’t you feel the connection between us? “Anna, Anna? What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you answering me? I need you tell me that I’m going to be here next week.”
Anna: Oh…are you still talking? I drifted off there for a sec. Whatever you say girlfriend. I have your back…
Back at the Hot Tub….
Rachel, not one to be put off by push ups goes in for the the must-have hot tub make out scene.
Adam: Wow, those coyotes howling sounded a little like Christine...but I must be imagining things.
Rachel It was a fantasy date come true…I had to go with the moment, I don’t care that all those other ho’s hate me now. There’s no way I’m getting sent home now.”
The Bullfight Starring: Jennifer A., Jennifer L., Samantha, Anna, Amy, Tracilee, Brittany and Courtney
Courtney: I grew up on a Dairy Farm, so take that ladies!
Brittany: I chose red because it matched my shoes, really no one told me to wear it…really! I have some shocking news for Adam, and I have no idea how to break the news to Adam that I have a I’m sure that I’ll find the perfect time to let him know.
Samantha: There’s an ambulance? Why is there an ambulance? I don’t believe that was in my contract?
Adam: I was going to wear cologne, but I was afraid the bull might come after me for real….
Traci: I, (sob) am like, (sob) so, (sob) afraid, (sob) what if I (sob) get dirt (sob) on my jeans?(sob) I just can’t (sob) do this. (sob) I told you I didn’t like (sob) anyone. (sob)
Finally we are through with confessions and we’re in the ring, and I can’t wait to see the bullfight. Adam enters the ring first because he’s “THE MAN” and then the bull, er calf enters the ring and Adam wonders why in the heck he’s doing this. Keep in mind: the bull, er calf is so small that I’m sure it can qualify in the Guinness Book of World Records for the “worlds smallest bull.” Then the moment of danger comes and all they all take turns in the ring. Only Adam and Jen L. get bruised by the bull, then it’s time for Traci. She enters the ring sobbing: “I don’t want to do this. If this weren’t in my contract, I’d be soo outta here.” Then we hear the cheers of the crowd (or is that jeering because she didn’t get mulled?) as she conquers her fears and faces the bull, er calf.
After an onslaught of one on one confessionals, he chooses Amy (who up until this time I didn’t know existed.) for his hot tub redeux date.
The hot tub date, part deux
We begin the date with Adam showing off his boxing gloves, and, well, yadda, yadda, yadda…the stars are so bright, lets go out in the freezing rain and sit in the hot tub for awhile, mmkay?
Amy: I didn’t even apply to be on your show…I just sent these threatening/stalkerish e-mails to NBC until they gave into my demands and let me be on the show.
Adam : That’s so cool. Let’s make out.
The make out scene ensues for what seems like a very, very, very long time.
Adam: I don’t what type of signal I’m sending out, but the coyotes were out again. (That Christine sure can howl, can’t she?)
Amy: We have sooo much in common. Lets smooch some more and more and more….
B!tch session, part two
Traci: I don’t trust anyone, especially that Jen A. She tried to comfort me at the bullfight, but really I know she was just doing it to get the hot tub date because that trick worked so well for Rachel. The nerve of her, trying to be my friend. I’ve told those morons, that I’m only here to find enemies.
Adam: These girls aren’t as innocent as they seem….. then we cue to Rachel...
Rachel: He only choose her because she makes for good tv., me on the other hand he chose because….<insert your own catty comment here> It’s so hard, (sob) because, these other girls (sob) are crampin’ my style….
The Chick bus
When we return from what had to be the longest commercial break ever, the moment that we had all been waiting for finally arrived. The hot chicks were on their way, and they were guaranteed to “make Adam’s spin.” Before the Chick Bus arrives Adam confesses that “things are going great” however, on the girl front we are fed confessionals about how insecure the girls are, and how Adam’s a moron if he doesn’t see them for who they really are. Jen L: “I’m feeling like (sob) the underdog right now.” Zoom into the Chick Bus on it’s way from Los Angelos…but also on the way to the house is the bus carrying the “Average Joe’s or rather, Joette’s) On the Chick Bus there is much drinking and partying….we see both buses racing towards Adam’s house. Will Adam give into temptation? The Chick Bus arrives at the Adam’s house first, and when Adam goes to answer the door, <gasp> it’s his old friends Jay, Joe and Craig. They tell him that they know what he’s doing and they want to pick up the pace a few notches, because really, two make out scenes in one episode isn’t nearly enough. Then before Adam can say “NBC” the parade of swimsuit models begins.
Meanwhile the girls van is getting closer and closer and the jaws music plays on in the background. Adam panics. Will the girls meet face to face? Will there be a catfight to end all catfights?
Adam doesn’t want to find out if there will a catfight, and tells the producers: “You freakin’ idiots, I told you that I wasn’t like that witch Melana. This.is.my.show. What part of that don’t you understand? I’m not letting one of my girls get the shaft like I did. I’ll put this in terms you can understand: I’m.not.Melana.or.Larissa. I’m an Average Joe, and I’m takin’ control of this show damn it. I already have 5 that I can’t choose from, now you want to bring in more women for me to choose from? In the words of Richard Hatch: “They must go bye bye now.”
With those words Adam does what no reality show contestant has done before: He follows the road of integrity and sends the swimsuit models home. In the words of his friends: “this was a character test for Adam, and he passed with flying colors.” No sooner had the hot chicks left then Adam’s van of merry girls arrived, innocently asking: “What did you do today?” After an awkward pause and some stuttering Adam chokes out: “Nothing. I did nothing all day. I just, read…a book.”
The Mandatory Elimination Twist
After stuttering that excuse about doing nothing all day, he declares that even though it’s cold and rainy outside it’s the perfect weather for flag football. The girls cheer with excitement of getting to rough each other out. Without warning, music plays and a voice tells us that: “The Palm Desert terrain turned into a slick and muddy tundra that cold and gloomy afternoon. It was red verses yellow team. The music is such that I almost believe we’re watching a real football game-poor NBC, with only Notre Dame and Arena Football on their sports schedule, this is the closest they’ll get to a professional game. And, really what would a football game or reality show be without a little something to play for? Adam announces that there would be a <gasp> twist to the show. The winning team will get to pick some one who is immune from tribal council, um I mean the elimination ceremony. In this beer commercial, um, immunity challenge, I mean Immunity elimination football game there was <gasp> a tie…would the purple rock be used to decide who would win? With Mark Burnett having a trademark on the purple rock, a coin was used instead to decide the fate of the winning team. The yellow team won, and those on the red team acted the way any good Survivor, um Bachelorette would act…they threw themselves down on ground in defeat.
The Elimination Ceremony
With the group dates over, and the Hot Chicks sent home it’s time at long last for the elimination ceremony. Who will stay? Who will leave? Who has won the immunity idol, er football? In the “why I deserve to stay” speeches to Adam, we find that there is another reality contestant who has chosen honesty over deception. Brittany decides to let Adam know that she has a son, because in a situation like this he deserves to know the truth. While our Average Joe seems a little taken aback by this news, he asks her about her son and her family. The other bachelorettes are glad that Brittany had a chance to tell him, and that she deserves someone really special in her life. Before we know it the talks with Adam are over, and the ceremony has begun. Rachel won the immunity football, and the four who said good bye to us this week were:
Anna: You're just too All American for me, I'm sorry...
Summer: Sorry, the dating 20 guys thing bothered me a tad and it’s time for me to say good bye to you.)
Elizabeth: Were you on any dates with me? I hate to see you leave but it’s time for you to go.
Rochelle: I'm Sorry, you were afraid of a snowboard, and I’m an athletic guy. Let’s have coffee though, mmkay?)
Brittany: You’re a lovely girl, but I think I might like this DAW business, and am not ready to settle all the way down yet.
Next week on Average Joe: Adam Returns Competition for private dates brings out the best and the worst of each girls…but what happens when the girls watch tv and Adam’s put on the spot?
Edited for overusage of bold and stuff like that.
~I'm sorry this is a little late. I've had a cold all week. RMMW!