LAST EDITED ON 07-16-04 AT 06:52 AM (EST)Joe Schmo 2 Offical Episode 5 Summary
Note: Some parts of this summary may seem stretched and drawn-out, as if they are actually just filler. This is because they are, in fact, just filler. Since half of tonight’s content is going to need to be **censored** in order to adhere to this board’s PG-13 policy, and since I wanted you all to have a nice, long summary to waste your time reading, I have prolonged many of the scenes... mainly for my own warped amusement. I hope they “amuse” you as much as they do me. Which is unlikely.
The **uncensored** version of tonight’s events will be included in the Special Edition, Unrated, “Too Hot for the Message Board” Special-Release Episode Summary, with never-before-seen recrap, and more sarcastic commentary than you’ve ever dreamed of reading. Just $199.95, plus $14.17 shipping & handling (release date pending). Send credit card number, check or money order to the address I am telepathetically transmitting to you right now. Must be 18 to order.
Now... It’s Schmo Time! Like you’ve never heard that joke before.
Director: Okay, people! Thanks for coming to this morning’s super-fun-fantastic trailer orgy, where we all sit around and pretend like we know what we’re doing. So, um... yeah. Everyone’s doing great as usual, even though it seems you dimwits weren’t good enough actors to keep Ingrid fooled... no problem, though, because she’s in on the joke now, and as it turns out... she’s as good an actress as any of you clowns. So... no harm done. Plus, we found a new dupe who’s slightly less... what’s the word I’m looking for? Astute? Yes (thank you, Frank). Someone slightly less astute to replace her. So... it’s all good people, it’s all good. Just keep doing... whatever it is you’ve been doing. Okay! Take five, everybody.
The first activity of the day, Ralph -aka, over-the-top host with horrible facial hair (I liked him better in the bumblebee suit)- tells us as the show opens, will be to stab their new friends squarely in the back.
Ralph: Women, you are going to write down the name of the person you think is least compatible with the Bachelor (what’s that, Frank? Oh, his name is Austin? Thank you. I knew he must be an important enough character to have a name; it’s just that I really haven’t cared enough to pay attention)... Austin. Men, you do the same with the person you think is the most gay I mean, least compatible with the Bachelorette (Piper? Thanks. It’s so hard to remember the names of these unimportant characters that never do anything)... Piper. Okay... GO!
While Ralph is off tallying the votes (there are only seven of them; you wouldn’t think it would take all that long, but you have to make sure these things are done properly. I mean, we can’t have any “hanging chad” controversies happening here), Tim has a bit of fun figuring out which reality show stereotype Eleanor is supposed to be. Oh wait, did I say fun? I meant excruciating pain. Seriously, though, she reminds me of that pigeon on "Animaniacs" who takes offense to everything the other pigeon says. You know, the Goodfeathers. She’s actually pretty good at it.
Tim (aka Joe Schmo): Hey Eleanor! You know whose voice yours sounds like? That band camp girl... you know, from the American Pie movies. Isn’t that funny?
Eleanor: <NYC crime-family accent> What’re you sayin’? Are you saying that I’m like, a band geek or somethin’? Is that what you’re sayin’? You think I’m some kind of red-headed, flute-playing dork? Is that what you’re sayin’? </accent>
Tim: Oh, crap. No! That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t think you’re a dork! I just meant... no, please don’t... Eleanor, please don’t start crying again. I didn’t mean it. Please... no, that was a compliment, dammit! It’s like saying you sound like my Aunt Eileen. I didn’t mean anything by it. Eleanor, please... I always thought Michelle was funny in the movies! Hey, at least I didn’t compare you to Stifler... Oh no, Eleanor... please...(Oh god, kill me now)... I mean, please stop crying ...dammit. *hands her a tissue*
Eleanor: <NYC-CF accent> Wait, what was that? So now, what? I sound like your freakin’ Aunt Edna? What’re you sayin’? That I remind you of your fat, old-maid, trailer-trash aunt? Huh? You sayin’ I live alone with fifty-seven cats, and have orange, crushed-velvet furniture and avocado green shag carpet? Is that what you’re sayin’? </accent>
Tim: No! I... maybe I should just staple my mouth shut.
Eleanor: That’s it. I’ll kick your ass! *lunges for Tim in a cloud of fury*
The Godpigeon (scratching his chin feathers): Boys, boys! I ...oh never mind. This analogy was getting kinda old anyway.
Meanwhile, Ralph is back from Florida with the vote results. And the man who is least compatible with Piper is... Gerald, the one-man-gay-pride-parade. Yep, there’s a shocker. The woman who is least compatible with Austin is... Eleanor? Oh great, you guys. Why don’t you just piss her off even more? Real smart; vote against the loose cannon. Turns out it’s okay, though. “Eleanor” doesn’t know she’s just been insulted, because she’s too busy having a massive mood swing over to the elated side of the spectrum. It seems the people voted least compatible are the ones who will end up getting alone time with the Bachelor & Bachelorette later this evening.
Moving on...
Ralph: Welcome to the incredibly stupid “Faaahlcon Twist” (I can’t believe they’re actually making me say this crap out loud). Where’s... oh, there you are Monticore, you useless, pathetic creature. At least you’re not acting like a stark-raving murderous lunatic today. ¹ Today’s shocking twist is...oh, hang on a second. *listens to earpiece*
¹ Note: no actual falcons were earnestly insulted during the writing of this summary. Tiger Lily loves animals.
Ralph: Okay, forget today’s Falcon Twist. It just so happens we have found something even better! (Oh sorry. Better put on my *makes finger quotes in the air* “sad face”.) Boys and girls, I have some very depressing news. Ingrid’s grandfather... has died. Honestly. I swear we are not making this up. This is the first time something like this has happened in the middle of a reality show, EVER!
Under the guise of actually feeling sorry for someone other than herself, Eleanor agrees to give up her alone time with Austin to Ingrid.
Cammie tells the group about how she frog-sat last night. Now, am I the only one who is confused about why this frog is still living in the house after his owner has been evicted? I know that Piper had decided he was too much of a responsibility, but apparently Bryce then adopted the “if Piper doesn’t want him, I guess he’ll have to starve” mentality. Or maybe it just hurt him too much to look at the frog because it reminded him of her. The poor thing is not much better off now, though; Cammie has been feeding him doughnuts, because crickets are “icky!” Here’s hoping some froggie agent sees Everett on the show and decides to give him his own sitcom.
Note: I am holding a contest to see who can come up with the best title for Everett’s new sitcom. Please reply directly to this thread in order to submit your idea (it might also help to bribe the judge). The winner will receive a free copy of the special-edition **uncensored** episode summary, and a lifetime supply of SPAM®. Offer void where prohibited, as well as in all fifty states, Canada, and everywhere else.
It is at this point that Bryce flies a banner over the mansion that reads, “P, forgive me? B.” Now, I could have come up with something much more stalker-like to fly over the house (whoa... calm down. I said that I could, not that I would. Sheesh. Come on. You don’t have to hold your fingers out in front of you in a cross shape. I mean it... you can quit looking at me like that now. Stop it!), but Tim is sufficiently creeped out by it, so it’s okay. Actually, I think Tim is even more freaked out by the fact that Piper seems to think it’s sweet, and is now regretting having eliminated Bryce. Well Tim, look at the bright side, dude. Now you know what kind of guys she’s into. Weird, creepy, obsessive ones! You can play to that. Use it.
Warning! The following several paragraphs contain recap of material only allowable on cable. Reader discretion is advised. As for the rest of you audacious types, you’ll have to use your own imaginations; mine will not be going into much detail. Sorry.
Ralph: It is now time for “Love is a Battlefield” (I came up with that name myself, aren’t you impressed?), a series of thuper-thexy games designed to make fools out of the lot of you, as well as draw in a new portion of the demographic: viewers of the... er, late-night variety.
The first game is called “Break my Heart” and consists of four ladies -two models and two housemates- covered in whipped cream-filled, heart-shaped balloons. The objective is to break as many of the opposing team’s balloons as possible. Much whipped-creamy fun ensues. As a side note, doesn’t Gerard make the most adorable cheerleader? Tim thinks so, too.
The second game is called “Electro-lick”. The light switches are shaped like tongues... and that’s all I’m gonna say. I will say that Amanda (aka Jane Schmo) is properly disgusted by the whole ordeal, and says in her confessional, “Cinemax offered me good money to play that exact same game! So why the hell am I here, doing it for free?” T.J. (aka “The Playah” -really, is that the cleverest moniker they could come up with for the poor guy? No wonder he’s so sexually frustrated) has a similar complaint with the game. He thinks the scoring should be based upon the quality of licks, rather than quantity. Better luck next time, Teej.
The third game is called “Getting a 'Heart' On”. It entails each team competing to raise their partner’s heart rate by the biggest margin. It goes something like this.
Cammie: *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleepity* *bleep* *bleep* *bleepity* *bleep* bleep* bleep!*
Tim’s heart monitor: Woooooooo-oooo-weee!
Ralph: *eyeballs popping out of head* Yes, I’m the host of the Joe Schmo Show... wait, what? *drool dripping from side of big goofy grin* This is the best job EVER!
Models: **censored** -Not by me, mind you. The whole scene is actually one big pixilated blur. But, knowing my readers, I’m sure you all can think of something to fill in the story. Oh, damn it. *smites forehead with heel of hand* Bad Tiger Lily! How many times have I tell you, never insult the readers! Why can’t you remember simple instructions? -Sorry about that. Anyway, I know it’s not man-boobs, but it’ll have to do. After all, it is only basic cable.
Ralph: Hee-hee. Hehehehehehe. I LOVE my agent!
The time has come for the women to meet Austin’s "parents". Here's a brief introduction: dad still thinks he’s back at the Phi Beta Kappa house, and mom goes by the alter ego "Goody Putnam". That’s pretty much how the whole evening goes down. At least we won’t have to be subjected to that stupid lie-detector gag this time. The fax machine gag, however, is still alive and kicking.
Like the men last week, each of the ladies is given a goofy task to complete at dinner, a la “Meet my Folks”. Anyone who does not complete their task will have a dirty secret revealed about her. Ingrid’s task is to incorporate a naughty word into the conversation three times, which she happily does. Before the first course is over, no less. Man, I love this chick! Amanda has to get Austin’s dad to tell them the story of his “first time”. Since he gives up this information voluntarily halfway through dinner, Amanda gets off scot-free. Eleanor must sit on the father’s lap and call him “Daddy”. It appears she has some experience doing this. Not a problem.
The problem is all Cammie’s. Since the producers need an excuse to show Cammie’s “porn video” to Austin’s parents, she has no luck whatsoever convincing Mom to take a body shot from her belly button. Dad, on the other hand, needs no convincing, and succeeds in making Amanda extremely uncomfortable by making out with Cammie on top of the dinner table. The task however, was to convince Mom (“Take shots? At what?”), so the group, and the rest of the world (aren’t we lucky?) get to watch “Porked -N- Beans” in all its nauseating glory. I don't think I even need to type the word **censored**; the title is pretty self-explanatory. You can figure it out. Amanda feels terrible; it’s really sad to watch. And Ralph swipes the video for private use later-on.
The eviction ceremony comes too soon for the housemates, and it seems the guest of honor is none other than... Everett. I know I’ve been joking about it, but I honestly do want to know why they keep showing shots of that damn frog! ²
² Note: I’ve made an addition to the rules of the frog contest. Oh, yes... you didn’t think I’d forget about it, did you? Anyone who can give me the most entertaining reason why they would keep showing footage of the frog during the eviction ceremony not only wins first prize, but gets to adopt the frog. In fact, let’s just make this an all-inclusive “Frog Joke Extravaganza!” Sitcom titles, jokes, puns, smart-ass comments... Hit me with your best stuff. And for those of you thinking that it’s my job to entertain you, and not the other way around, you’re SO wrong. Just drink the kool-aid and do it, okay?
So in a fitting conclusion to all of this foolishness, it is alas, Ingrid who must walk down the Walkway of Tears this evening. It seems Ingrid has pulled a ‘Johnny Fairplay’ to get sympathy from Austin, who is not happy about being lied to about dead grandparents. Quite a nice tribute, I think, if not a bit, um... obvious. However, either Amanda is not a Survivor watcher, or she’s just really pissed at Austin for eliminating Ingrid without realizing that she might, in fact, have two grandfathers. Time will tell as to whether or not Tim has picked up the hint.
Next week: Someone knows too much, and has to be... rubbed out. Please allow me to rant for a moment. Are you f*cking kidding me? You’re killing off one of the characters?! Not only did you people melt like ice cream when Matt cried over Earl’s eviction last season, but these two Schmoes cried their eyes out when they found out Cammie was in a “movie”. You kill someone, and Amanda’s going to have to spend the rest of her life in therapy. This is a little too mean... even for *me*. But, hey. It's your show- you do what you gotta do. If I gotta watch someone die, though, it better at least be funny.
~Lily~ <--sweet and demure. 
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