Ah The Amazing Race! This summary may not be true in parts but hopefully it captures the essence.
So last week... No hang on Kidflash1212 says it better than I could, and much better than Phil did.
Coming up tonight... Mika faces her biggest fear, which appears to involve her boyfriend throwing her off a building, I can understand that.
Aaaand titles! Plane, Taj Mahal (which I don't remember them having been to), The statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio (Series 2, remember the ghastly grannies?), Brian and Ericka on a boat, Brian and Ericka looking groomed, The Sphinx (Series 5, Charla having to climb down into a Pyramid because Mirna might have broken a fingernail), Some Italianate church, Mika and Canaan singing, the Eiffel tower (Lennnneeeee!), what looks like Mount Fuji to me (maybe the hippies went there, but I don't remember it), Lance and Keri kicking near a lighthouse for no apparent reason, then showing off their biceps , a white cliff with another lighthouse, Zev and Justin, jumping then sitting, a road going through green fields, a square in Japan at night (Series 15, are there still tourists wandering round Tokyo looking for the Americans who are supposed to be leading them somewhere?), talking of which Maria and Tiffany chatting in a car, then looking smug over some poker chips, a small boat on a river/lake, a mountain, Sam and Dan running donwhill, then standing back to back looking smug, Camels and Pyramids (Series 5 again, everyone remember Mirna of Arabia?), Gary and Matt driving a tractor, then leaning against fenceposts with fields in the background, the Sydney Opera house (Series 2, that poor girl who had to lie out in a cozzie in the pouring rain), the Colloseum (series 1, bizzare task involving statues), Garrett and Jessica running through a market, and then standing under a bridge, beaufiful pastoral countryside, Eric and Lisa riding a motorcycle without helmets (idiots), then standing by a swimming pool looking ultra smug, the great wall of China (Series 10, climb that wall!), Marcy and Ron shooting arrows, then hugging, a sandbank, Meghan and Cheyne playing association football and then in their swimsuits, another Italianate view, a junk (Series 5, do any of you know the flag of the country you are in at the moment?), mountains and Ice, Herbert and Nathaniel spinning basketballs on their fingers, a long bridge on pontoons (reminded me of Series 6, Jews in Iceland, not sure why), Big Ben (Series 8, Romber meeting Sherlock Holmes), another Pyramid, very impressive waterfall (Series 1, swing you fat bastard, swing) another bridge this one with traffic on it, a castle, a crosswalk (more lost tourists), another impressive waterfall (speedboats in series 2), a dangerous looking inlet (Series 9, and Lori trying to put a statue together), the leaning tower of Pisa (not been there I think), farming in the far east (my Ox is broken), loads of quick images.
So the teams start in the city of Dubai, which has been reclaimed from the desert in 15 years and is the playground of the Arab world, or so Phil tells us.
Meghan and Cheyne are the first to depart at 8:17am, Mr Bad Hair tells Mme, Bland to open the envelope, and they are told to pick a locked briefcase and then travel by taxi to the Dubai Creek golf and yacht club, which looks a bit like a baby Sydney Opera House, and the search the marinas boardwalk for their next clue. Meghan feels like a businessman, but at that time in the morning they are all tucked up in their offices, so her desire goes unfulfilled.
Cut to... Meghan and Cheyne by a pool, Meghan tells us that she has never been as stressed in her life as she has been on the race (maybe that is why she wanted a businessman, for stress relief) Cheyne then tells us that this is really something as Meghan gets pretty stressed out in everyday life. In their taxi he then intones that Dubai is like an island Vegas, very fabricated and extremely hot, meanwhile the view from the taxi is of monotonous office buildings (Meghan looks out of the window sadly), I thought Vegas was more individualistic than that. Cheyne then tells us that he is sweating like a mad man and is hoping that they can get in the water. I never knew mad men were known for sweating, but I guess life in the 50's had less air conditioning.
A Roadblock - Which despite Phils insistence on not telling us is a task that only one team member can perform. In this road block one team member must row an inflatable dinghy to a nice looking cabin cruiser and find a Sheik (maybe a fake Sheik) who will, as apparently is Arab custom, present any American who rows to his boat with a watch, then they must row back to the dock and open the briefcase. Phil helpfully tells us that the combination is the time that the watch shows: 8:35. The next clue is in the briefcase. Cheyne decides to row, because he, and his freakish hair, know how to row, as he rows he yells as Meghan to ask if she loves him, she turns away and laughs.
More teams? Hang on? What happened? There I was with a one team leg and now other teams are wanting to take part!
Brian and Ericka depart (or leave as I would normally put it) at 9:59am, about an hour and three quarters saved by doing a fast forward, not that much really. Brian tells us that Ericka isn't a pageant Patty, but can rough it if she has to, Ericka says that so long as she starts the day well made up and with beautiful hair it is all good (if only she would tell Cheyne about beautiful hair).
Back to Meghan who is stressing watching Cheyne row, and Cheyne who is giving us a rendition of row, row, row your boat gently through Dubai.
The Trotters leave at 10:42am, and start off by complaining about the heat.
Cheyne reaches the boat and takes the watch disdaining the lovely box that it came in (probably a sensible move as it meant he could put the watch on his wrist) Meghan continues to stress on the sidelines.
Pinky and the Brain depart at 10:45am, Pinky suggests that the two of them should be attached by handcuffs! In cut they tell us that this is the longest they have ever been together and it has been going really well, the Brain then tells us that he helped Pinky to dye his hair yesterday. They then complain about the heat.
Cheyne rows back whilst Meghan stresses
Cheyne arrives back, looks at the watch and figures out that if the watch is showing 835 then that is probably the combination. Perfect! And they and their taxi are off to the Abra station in the old souk section of Dubai where they can search for their next clue.
Cheyne puts on his shoes whilst Meghan stresses
Ericka "doesn't do water" so Brian is doing the rowing for that team, sadly Brian has no idea how to row.
Sam and Dan are leaving the Pitstop at 11:34, only one of them has a t-shirt that says college, which may explain some things. They tell us that they are still working in tandem with Marie and Tiffany, does it really count as an alliance when you don't know both the names of the other team? The main basis of the alliance is that Team Dudes can outrun Team Pokerface, mind you they think they can outrun any team apart from the Trotters.
Brian is very red, but seems to have got the hang of rowing whilst Ericka yells "Michael" at him, why I don't know, but I rewound the video just to check, she then tells us that he needs "a lot of encouragement" whilst waving her fingers around. TMI methinks.He then arrives on the boat and we get a view of his rear as he scrambles aboard whilst Ericka tells us that he is "so cute", not from where I was watching! He takes the watch and its lovely case and starts back.
The Trotters discover that their taxi driver has taken them to the wrong yacht club and then whine at him until he takes them to the correct one.
Brian arrives back at Ericka and solves the clue in abot 5 seconds, they get the clue and are off leaving watch, box, and briefcase behind. Brian has drawn blood on his thumb whilst rowing but Momma Ericka soon puts things right with a sticking plaster.
Pinky and the Brain arrive third at the roadblock, the Brain does it, however as he is a canoer he takes one paddle and drives through the water that way.
Meanwhile at the front of the pack Meghan and Cheyne arrive at Abra station where they find...
The Detour Which Phils again refuses to tell us is a choice between two tasks, to highlight the history of the place teams must deal with two things that have been around as long as mankind itself.
Slice - Put Hookah pipes together Not sure Hookah pipes have been around as long as mankind
Gold - put 500,000 US dollars worth of gold on a scale Because the US Dollar has been around forever damnit
Meghan and Cheyne decide to do Slice erm... You know what I mean. and set off in a watertaxi
The Brain arrives at the yacht, takes the watch and box and sets off with single paddle, Pinky sits in a deckchair relaxing
Maria and Tiffany have a little pray that they are leaving Dubai and depart from the start at 11:47am, grab their briefcase and a taxi. They then fantasise about a sweaty James Bond.
Mika and Canaan the last team to leave do so at 11:54am, Mika tells us that she has never played team sports or run in her whole life so Canaan has to push her along.
The Brain solves the watch problem in about two nanoseconds and he and Pinky are off. As they leave the Trotters arrive, the taller one elects to swim to the yacht whilst in the dinghy and they become yet another team calling each other baby.
Back with Meghan and Cheyne who are putting hookahs together whilst Meghan stresses. Brian manages to persuade Ericka that she cannot go shopping and they decide to go the golden route.
Sam and Dan arrive at the roadblock, and soon Dan is trying to swom the boat to the yacht.
Meghan gets more stressed.
Brian gets out the pencil and paper and trys to work out how many ounces of gold he needs for half a million dollars if gold is 934.75 an ounce, sadly the rate keeps changing on him.
The Trotter and Dan receive the watch and swim (in the dinghy) back to the shore, the Trotter is encouraged to "Do it for the hood" on which Sam exhorts Dan to "Do it for the suburbs". Maria and Tiffany arrive and Tiffany is elected to row, Big Easy looks at the watch in confusion. Dan solves the puzzle and the brothers are off.
Tiffany is showing the best form of any rower so far and is soon receiving her watch. Mika and Canaan arrive and soon Canaan is sculling as Mika is afraid of water. The Trotters start to worry the Lance and Keri will show up soon and continue to psych the briefcase open. Tiffany and Canaan solve the puzzle in about a minute each.
Back at the Hookahs and Meghan is stressing, meanwhile Brian is back at his piece of paper as the gold rate changes.
Finally the Trotters work out 835 and head for Abra station.
Uncle cameraman shows us some pieces of the hookahs that Cheyne and Meghan haven't used in their construction, the gold rate changes again, and Brian is back to his piece of paper. Meghan asks if their hookahs are correct, but Mr. Smokeyman spots the missing pieces and says no. Brian puts random bits of gold on the scale and Mr. Goldman, who looks oddly like a Welsh chap I work with, says no as well.
Pinky and the Brain decide to go with the hookahs although The Brain used to call them something else (Hubble Bubble pipes was what we used to call them). Meanwhile at the Slice task Meghan still hasn't spotted the missing pieces and gets stressed.
The gold rate changes again, and Brian and his piece of paper decide to visit Slicey instead.
Meghan spots the missing pieces and soon Mr. Smokeyman hands them a "clue" telling them to go to Atlantis, The Palm, Dubai (just in case we need to send it a letter) and search the water park for the leap of faith, a six story almost vertical kamikaze slide, through a shark tank - Way Cool three stories is the most I have done and that one didn't have any sharks. The clue is at the bottom of the slide.
Brian and Ericka, the ungrateful swine seems to have abandoned his piece of paper, start trying to force hookahs together, Sam and Dan decide to do the golden task, because they have a secret weapon! A calculator. Really not something I would have thought of taking on a race around the world, however it turns out to be almost a good idea. The problem is that neither of them know how to use a calculator and have to be rescued by the Pokerfaces. Mr. Goldman seems glad to hand them their clues.
Meanwhile out in the open putting together hookahs Brian is adding burns to his cuts, and Ericka is saying that they can put the pipes together any old way, sadly Mr. Smokeyman disagrees. Ericka then suggests another way of putting the hookahs together, again Mr. Smokeyman is not impressed.
Pinky and the Brain, and Mika and Canaan arrive to put hookahs together and complain about the heat, meanwhile the Trotters decide that a visit to the Slice might be in order.
Meanwhile Canaan puts Hookahs together whilst Mika plays with the straw.
Back with the leaders and Meghan is stressing out about what a leap of faith might involve. We see the slide and editing thoughtfully put a scream in the soundtrack. Meghan and Cheyne say they are both afraid of heights as it turns out they seem to really enjoy the ride and are soon looking for Phil and his new friend, on hearing that they are team number one Cheyne takes Megham out for a quick dip before returning to Phil and demanding a prize, they each win a personal watercraft, presumably one of the blow up dinghys from earlier.
Ericka is still insisting that she should be able to put the pipes together any old way, and Mr. Smokeyman is still disagreeing when the Trotters finally arrive at the pipe task. Now Megham has finished Ericka takes on her mantle and starts to stress out, whilst Pinky channels Zev and collapses from the heat telling us that the heat "twirls your world" Hmmm maybe he has been hitting the pipe a little hard once he had it assembled, Mika continues sitting down, whilst Canaan tries to put the pipes together, she then says that she wishes she were naked, a wish endorsed by none of the heterosexual male viewers.
Brian finally spots the issue with their hookahs and Mr. Smokeyman sends him and Ericka off to the leap of faith, the Trotters then decide to switch tasks in the hope of gaining time (I don't think this has ever worked).
The Pokerfaces take the leap of faith (OK you two can go naked if you want), closely followed by Sam and Dan (I will let Kidflash make the decision on their apparel), and the brothers, who are able to outrun any team in the race, are beaten to the finish line by team Pokerface (btw matching tops and bottoms next time ladies) who enjoy the brothers running along behind them like extras from Baywatch. Talking of Pamela Anderson Phil is still only being shown from the shoulders up. The Brothers and team Pokerface then go for a celebration in the sea (gulf?) together.
At the gold the Trotters make the single best move of the leg when they ask Mr. Goldman if they can borrow his calculator and they are soon off to the leap of faith.
Pinky and the Brain find the missing part of their Hookah and Mr. Smokeyman sends them on their way with a smile.
Brian is afraid of heights and Ericka is afraid of water, Ericka leaps down the slide whilst Brian calls on the assistance of the Supreme Being as he takes his turn, he then tells Ericka that the slide was fun, she disagrees with him, and they come in as team number four.
Mr. Smokeyman fed up with Mika lets her and Canaan go, we are treated to a montage of Mikas fears, meanwhile Pinky and the Brain are the first team to enjoy the slide.
Mika in a pair of flowery waterwings throws a fit and refuses to take the slide, this continues for twenty minutes with Canaan getting more and more tetchy and finally trying to manhandle her down the slide, frankly it was quite distasteful. The Trotters arrive and start trying to psych Mika out of the slide (not really necessary), and she is told that if she doesn't take the slide within two minutes the Trotters can have their go. Of course she doesn't slide and the Trotters get the clue, Mika says that she wishes she was still in Nashville, I'm sure that Canaan has the same desire. Canaan takes the slide and Mika walks down, Canaan forgives her for not taking the slide, no word on if she forgave him for trying to chuck her down a 60 foot waterslide though. Thankfully this is not a non-elimination leg and bully Canaan and useless Mika head off for sequesterville.
Next week on the Amazing Race. Damn the video cut off
Just another Sleeperbloke
Something or Other