Welcome to this exciting episode of Last Comic Standing. We’ll get to the hilarious recap in a moment or two – but first let me say that this show sucks. A. Lot. Really. It’s very, very bad.
See, comics are not inherently interesting people. They are bitter, mean-spirited, self-involved and joyless. Sure – on paper this sounds riveting - but in reality, not so much.
Let me amend that – when these miserable train wrecks had to interact with each other in a variety of ridiculously contrived settings, the show had its high points. Dat Phan playing hide and seek all by himself, Rich Vos and Dave Mordell taking a bath together, Bonnie McFarland’s endless and pathetic neediness – each and every one a moment to behold.
But this season, the brain trust behind the show has decided to take the comics out of a cramped environment where they have to live together despite their assorted neuroses and personality defects - and instead, just let them perform. Mediocre comics doing the same tired material over and over and over again. Week after week. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. They call this calamity the battle of the best. That – to put it gently – is deluded and factually inaccurate.
I mean how many marginally talented comics have been given their own sitcoms in the past few years? Three or four hundred? These comics couldn’t accomplish what Jeff Foxworthy and Steve Harvey managed to do. How good could they be?
And the ratings for this little freak show are not good. The producers in their infinite wisdom have decided to spice up the proceedings with “celebrity” guest stars. Carrot Top and Louie Anderson are considered celebrities on Last Comic Standing. Andrew Dice Clay and Joe Piscopo were apparently unavailable.
This week’s jump-the-shark gimmick is a celebrity roast. Again – Jay Mohr is the celebrity in question (Jay Mohr being a celebrity is probably the funniest punch line to date on this program).
And, come to think of it, this is the second time they’ve done a roast. Isn’t the roast a little played out as a concept? Who owes Don Rickles money? Who is sleeping with Ruth Buzzi? Can we embrace the new millennium please?
We do learn some good news as the show begins – four of the six dufuses (dufii?) that performed last week will be eliminated at the end of the hour. The two surviving (one from each season) will comprise half of the final four. The other half will be the winners (and I use that term loosely) from this week. Six will perform tonight, only two will make the cut.
We also learn Season 2 has won the audience vote again and receives another fifty thousand dollars. They’ve doubled what Carrot Top made last year in one fell swoop. (That’s after the money he spent on the bicep implants.)
Three comics from each season will be performing. Roasting Jay Mohr tonight from Season 1: Rich Vos, Geoff Last-Name-Illegible-In-My-Notes and the singularly monikered Tess (thanks girlfriend!). This means that one of these no-talent losers will make it to the final four. As Jay London says, this is death.
Season 2 will feature Alonzo Bowden, Gary Gulman and Todd Glass. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will be a special guest tonight. Cause puppetry is always funny. And the roast of Jay will be hosted by Jeffrey Ross, another unattractive comedian.
Let’s get this roast underway. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog comes out and announces that he saw bigger stars when he sat on his nuts. Now that is funny. Actually Triumph was hilarious. My favorites? Rich Vos is so rat-faced that Dat Phan tried to eat him, and Jay Mohr’s career is like Triumph’s poop: hot for five minutes.
This whole show could be summed up as Triumph funny, everyone else not funny. But instead I’ll soldier on trying to summarize comedy routines for a vast readership of two.
The following is a recap of every funny thing said by Geoff Last-Name-Illegible:
Two words can best summarize his performance: Aw. Ful.
Next up is Alonzo Bowden. I think he’s hot, therefore I found his set funny. Best line – Jay wants to be black. He doesn’t realize there’s a pay cut. Alonzo is so funny, but this roast format doesn’t suit him at all. Still – he’s hot so that’s all that matters.
Tess is up next. She was actually pretty good. She had two great jokes: Take away Jay’s looks, comedic timing and talent and what do you have? Todd Glass. She also says she has a crush on Jay because she always wanted to do a white chick. Then she gave him a stepping stool so he could go up on her.
Next up is Gary Gulman. I’m not a big fan of Gary’s. Personally, I like my comedic entrees to come with a main course of substance abuse and a side order of misogyny. You know, like Dave Mordall. Gary is good at roasting though. He did no jokes about Oreos – that was a big improvement. And he called Season 1 the Montreal Expos of comedy – priceless! He accused Ralphie May of eating Wanda Sykes – brilliant! And in the best move of the night - he turned to Dat Phan and said “we get it – your mom talks funny.” That? Was beautiful!
Next up is Rich Vos. Not a fan of Rich. He did have a couple of good lines though. He said Jay’s liver was so brown and bloated it looked like Tess. He also said Dat Phan had an MRI and it proved he had no funny bone. A-hahahaha!
Todd Glass was the last to perform. Todd reminds me of my last boyfriend – and it’s not because he looks like him. I might date some freaks, but even I have standards. The most annoying thing about the aforementioned boyfriend - besides the lack of a verifiable source of income and the pesky intermittent erectile dysfunction - was his penchant for telling me how flawed I was. His favorite line was “you know what your problem is…you’re not afraid of failure, you’re afraid of success” (hard to believe this guy and I are no longer together isn’t it?)
Anyway – that is what reminded me of Todd – I think he’s afraid of success too. He blew this roast completely. Blew it on purpose in my opinion. See, that way – he can console himself by saying he messed up and that’s why people didn’t vote for him. Cause the thought of trying his hardest and still losing is too scary for the manchild who probably thinks he's above all of this anyway.
Thus concludes the Dr. Pooh, pop psychologist, segment of tonight’s summary. Todd did note that his life sucked before the show. Wow – it’s hard to believe that this experience defines a non-sucking lifestyle for Todd. That makes me sad.
Jay Mohr has his segment where he does his druggie/frat-boy brand of pseudo comedy, He did have a few good moments. He told Jeffrey Ross that if he was any uglier, he’d be dating Bonnie McFarland. Apparently, Bonnie and Jeff are dating in real life. I always knew that girl would sleep with anything. Jay also said that Jeff’s been doing comedy for twenty years and Bonnie’s been doing comics for ten. Ba-hahahahhaa!
My favorite though was when he told Geoff that he loses a bet every time Geoff says something funny. Then Jay did the whole fake sincerity thing about how much he wanted to help struggling, talented comedians. Ok Jay – why didn’t you actually find some then?
Now it’s elimination time. Season 1 has three of its most popular comedians on the chopping block. Out of Dave Mordall, Dat Phan and Ralphie May, only one will move on to the final four. Dat Phan is eliminated first – woohoo! The one-note wonder is finally shown the door the way he should have been in the first season. Suck on Dat, Phan! In a mild (but really good!) upset, Ralphie May is eliminated and Dave moves on. Dave looks a little shocked, but I think he’s hilarious and Ralphie has been off his game the entire time. I wasn’t a fan in the first season and I’m less of one now.
Season 2’s elimination is really a no-brainer. Kathleen Madigan, Jay London and John Heffron are up and only one can move on. Kathleen is the first one out. She’s never really been a presence on the show. Jay London is an uglier Steven Wright (which is hard to even imagine) and he is wliminated next. John Heffron is now a part of the final four.
Next week, we’ll learn who from tonight will join these two in the final four. Tess did the best job from Season 1 – we’ll see if she’s got a fan base or not. Season 2 is more of a toss-up. I love Alonzo, but Gary was better tonight. Plus all the little girls love Gary. We’ll have to see.
better late than never