Yet again I find myself recapping a crappy show no one is watching. I suppose that's good, if I miss something no one will notice.
And now, in my summary... I present to you a top ten list. But not just any top ten list... the top ten reasons why this show is lame. I could come up with one million, but we'd be here all day.
We begin with our noble host, Jordan, and immediately I see reason #10 why the show is lame: Jordan is looking like Sporty Spice. He's got on this black tracksuit thingy with a red shirt under it. All he needs is a matching red bandana. Anyway, Sporty tells us that one of the guys will get a single date with Rachel before the next elimination. They have to go into the event room and paint Rachel. Jordan tells them they have to capture her beauty on canvas. That makes me want to vomit, therefore making the list at #9. The guys all look nervous. He tells them that they'd better make their paintings stand out. The guy who paints the painting Rachel chooses will win not only the date, but also an opportunity to switch checks. Caleb voices over that everyone knows he has the million-dollar check, which brings me to reason #8. The show is lame because the minute he says everyone is gunning for his check, you know he's going to loose his money.
And now we see Rachel, in a red satin robe. She looks hot. If only she never spoke. She voices over that it is a chance for her to see how the guys see her, and her reasons make number #7 of why the show is lame: she says she wants to see if the guys see me as a prize, or are in it for love, or money. Thank you for recapping what the show was about... yet again. I never could have guessed the title otherwise.
We watch the guys intently paint, which makes me giggle a little. Mike says he is in it to get the girl's heart. I'm sure he said in her pants, and the producers made him go back and record it again in reality dating show speak. Caleb tells us he has no talent. Well, he's right. But it's okay. I have a really good eye for colors, but I can't draw forms at all. I'm a GENIUS at paint-by-numbers. Morgan paints a picture of Rachel surrounded by a red heart. He then informs us that he's not going to draw any symbolism in his painting based on false feelings. I get a little confused, because I always thought that a heart was a symbol of love. Mike draws a flower coming out of concrete, and says something about how it is delicate and blah, blah, blah. I can tell you one thing about Rachel... she's no delicate flower. David S.'s (must we still have the S.) is mostly a stick person with hearts and I think arrows. There may even be a smiley face or two. If he drew a rainbow, I would have thought he was a twelve-year-old girl. He explains he wants to show laughter, happiness, and fun. Caleb's drawing makes me laugh. He tells us he started to draw a shape, and it looked like a swan, so he went with it. He might as well have drawn the million on the back of the swan, since it is about to fly away.
Rachel tells us she has a date with Caleb and Mike. She tells them they look cuter and cuter every time she sees them. This has got to be reason #6. I’m told you don’t call a guy you are interested in “cute.” Handsome is much better, makes him feel less like a little boy. She is definitely more into Mike at this point. But she's worried about the large check value he has. She also thinks Caleb has been quiet at this point and he might have a large check too. My friends, this is called reality dating show irony. Caleb and Mike have to compete in an archery contest. The closest person to the bulls-eye gets alone time with Rachel. Caleb astutely notices the table set up with only two chairs a short distance away. Mike tells us he did archery from ages 11-18. He has the choice of a) taking the competition or b) throwing it. He decides to throw the competition, and calls it his gift to both of them. Then he explains he wanted to be nice to Caleb, that he didn’t want him to feel the cards were stacked against him. Perhaps the two of them can get together after the show is over. Caleb wins the archery, and goes off to have lunch with Rachel. He has to row her across to their table, and has a lot of problems doing so. Rachel laughs at him, which makes #5 on the list. She’s definitely NOT laughing with him. They eat lunch, and Rachel tells us that Caleb wows her. She says she is attracted to him. And she sort of whines that she can’t take the money over someone she has feelings for. We’ve all seen the way you look at that million-dollar check. You aren’t fooling anyone.
She explains she pulls Mike aside after lunch. She tells him he’s open, and they have a connection. They kiss, and the camera pans over to Caleb, across the shore, facing away from them. Mike tells us they have a connection, and he can almost taste it. We see you tasting “it.”
Rachel says she had a great time, but in the limo she slips up. She calls Morgan “Jordan,” and the guys look a little confused. She covers for herself really badly. This her not knowing Jordan thing is reason #4 the show is lame. Don’t reality shows have a host or hostess? Why are we having to listen to Rachel explaining the things the guys have to do? Don’t the guys wonder why Jordan isn’t doing it? Could fake hostess only do one episode? Caleb wonders if Rachel could be playing for money too. When they get back to the mansion, Mike tells the rest of the guys about Rachel’s slip up. Morgan tells us he knows Rachel has a secret. On a reality show? No way!
Rachel takes David formerly of the S., Chris and Morgan skeet shooting. She voices over that it’s not very romantic, but the men got to be men, and show off a little. Insert my eye-roll as we hear reason #3. She really did say that. Rachel tells the guys they have to shoot in order to win some alone time with her. Morgan misses, David misses and says he sucks, which makes Rachel laugh at him, and Chris hits his target. They go off together. It’s easy to tell she’s got much more of a friend vibe with him then any of the guys she is attracted to. Chris says he’s a nice guy. And that it is possible to kill someone with kindness. He tells Rachel that he is a busy guy, but then 10:00 rolls around and he is lonely. Yes, he really said such a lame thing. He’s really milking this nice guy thing. Rachel feels confident he would pick her over the money. She’s probably right.
Rachel gathers the guys together to reveal the winning portrait. And we go to commercial. The suspense is killing me. She tells them she wanted to see a portrait, so Chris and Morgan are the choices since they are the only ones who did portraits. She turns the portrait around and it is Morgan’s. Chris observes as they are leaving that Morgan is a good game player. He is good. Very subtle, and he does all the right things around Rachel. They go to a wild animal park, and look at big cats. The last time I went to the National Zoo with my sister, this lion got up on a cliff and roared and roared. Then it walked on. It was so cool. No lions roar on the show, because it is lame. They eat, and Rachel tells us she is scared that Morgan is older and more experienced. He seems to relaxed and confident and normal I too wonder what he’s doing on the show. Rachel shows her food when she chews. They walk along and find a hammock that the producers placed there, and the two of them make out. Morgan looks very cute lying in the hammock. Morgan tells us he can’t imagine she’s making out with everyone. That makes me laugh, and is reason #2 Rachel tries to convince us she wanted to pull back but had already kissed him, but we’re not buying.
Morgan decides not to tell the guys he “got what you didn’t want me to have.” That’s good, because it would have been super lame. David asks if Morgan kissed Rachel, and Morgan lies and says no. Mike tells Morgan that he thinks Caleb’s check is worth one million-dollars. Morgan switches his one-dollar check for Caleb’s. He then tells us he is now going to bring his “a” game. I really want him to tell us he’s not here to make friends. Caleb confronts Morgan as to who told him how much his check is work, and Morgan refuses to tell him. Caleb tells us he can no longer trust anyone. Perhaps that’s because it’s a game… for money.
It’s elimination time; Rachel tells us this elimination is very important for strategic reasons. No one on this show can say strategic. It bugs me. Rachel tells the guys she needs to hear more about what they think of her. That is the lamest way to fish for compliments I have ever heard. She calls up Mike first, and tells him they have an obvious chemistry. This pleases him. She asks him to stay, and he will. Next is Morgan, and she tells him she liked how much he opened up to her. She tells him she liked their time in the hammock, which confuses Caleb, since he thought Morgan never kissed her. She asks him to stay, and he will. Morgan tells us he has a million reasons to stay. The producers definitely made him say that. Caleb is next, and she informs him he wowed her on their date. She asks him to stay, and he will. Now we have Chris, and David looks like he’s going to wet himself. Rachel says she admires that he loves people, and she does too. Oh please, you love yourself, and you love for men to fawn all over you. Anyway, she tells him they have no romantic chemistry, and asks for the ring back. He gives it to her, she gives him a peck, and he’s gone back to the house. She calls up David, and tells him she loves his sense of humor and wants to get to know him more. David stays, and voices over that Rachel has no idea the guys are playing a game. Okay, we get it. Rachel is evil.
Chris tells us he tried his best, but it just wasn’t there. His check burns in the fire, and he tells us that is the closest to tears he has been since the game started. I see on the NBC boards that people are buying his boy-band teddy bear act, and that brings me to reason #1 why this show is lame. Please… they might as well have had him wear a halo. St. Christopher…. He’s probably just playing nice to get more women after the show.
Next week, Rachel is still portrayed as being evil and greedy… but the guys are “fighting back.” We see Rachel making out with someone in a hot tub. I think it may be Mike? And she says it’s easy for her to play him since she’s attracted to him. Then, in a shocking twist of fate… she will fall for him and choose him over the money, but he will leave her high and dry. At least, I hope so.