LAST EDITED ON 01-22-03 AT 09:32 PM (EST)
<<<edited for spleling>>>
Antsy's Spanks-Quivering Gay Charade
(n.b. pun only works with the AMERICAN pronunciation of 'charade' .... filthy teabags, say 40 Hail Andersons and a Dour Bother.)
Eric vonEisner shows us what happens when your high-budget, low-plot comedrama is axed by the sharp iron grip of common sense. He drools into the camera, loping about and whispering something about a precious. He does a good job of acting creepy. Good job of acting...hmm, scratch that.
Now Bottom-Rung Badwin steps up and tells us what a freaky game it's been. Gotcha, buddy. Freaky like a nepotism-driven career. If you look closely, on your TiVo frame-by-frame, you can see the reflection of the cameraman’s eye rolling at his poppycockery.
And the rest of them chat, too..Ginger Anne, Bonnie Raitt, and Old Wash-Up all have something to say. Equal time for equal grime. No confessional by the Mole, though. Do you know what it costs to camera-powder a titantic chrome dome like that?
Enter our host, Mr. Might-As-Well-Be-A-Teleprompter-For-All-The-Excitement-I-Bring. He says some crap about splitting up into three teams: the Witches, the Bitches, and the Peed-In-Their-Britches.
One of them goes first; I don't remember who. I taped over this part because the episod of Punky Brewster with the "don't play hide and seek in a refrigerator" lesson was on and I didn't want to miss that!!!!
Oh, yeah, each team (duo? doesn't team imply some sort of readiness and competency?) will have to complete different tasks somehow related to their team name...like if their team were called "Buccaneers", they would "win that damn Superbowl by a 21 spread."
Now, Boredom Incarnate shares with the haplessly led-in audience that the "game" has a "twist." Every team will predict whether the other team will complete their stunts (not finish stunting their careers -- that's a given.) Every successful prediction earns money for the pot (and yes, they all toke. Bling Bling!)
So, the Human Torch and Man-I'm-Not-Too-Attractive-Without-Seven-Hours-Of-Makeup go to do some walking on "hot lava." Now, this show takes place in some African country called Hawaii. Never having known apartheid personally, I looked up "hot lava" in the dictionary and this is what I found:
hot lava (hot la'va), intj. - The process by which the public is deceived into perceiving danger which does not exist. see also roasted chicken.
Hmmm. Interesting. Unfortunately, I missed the "stunt" because my dictionary was inside my TV, and I had to unplug it before I could take it apart. I can only deduce that the stunt was delicious and nutritious.
Next, the Mole and Wil Wheaton have to jump off a cliff into a big lagoon. William Golding, eat your heart out! Unfortunately, Piggy does not splatter on the rocks, and now Ex-Mousketeer has jumped, and the Mole has not. There is some very suspicious behavior at this point by me as I continue to watch the show.
Next (or previously, it's all a blur..) Seven-O-Clock-Shadow and Out-To-Pasture have to get into a plane piloted by Lucille Ball and towerate cwaazy stunts while CLEANING A PANEL!! I'm talking a panel with DIRT ON IT!!! Boy, their agents must have signed some liberal waivers! Here's how it went:
My-Brothers-Are-More-Successful-Than-Me: "Woo Hoo!" "Woo!" <wipe, wipe>
Continuously Refreshing Status Update: "MISSION SUCCESSFUL!"
I-Know-My-Buzzcut-Will-Get-Me-A-Fortysomething-Part: "I woulda done it too, if only it weren't so darn windy."
So, with the gang all together again, They are forced to sing Aud Lang Syne once for every dollar they have added to the pot. They sing it four hundred and seventy nine thousand times. That feisty Little Orphan Annie leads the pack in the key of E-flat-minor-hoarse.
Next, we are treated to some banter...holy yimminy-yap, all that time being sequestered in separate hotel rooms with full outside world contact for two days is taking its toll on these delicate personalities! Everyone is angry with everyone else, but mostly with room service. What does a wash-up have to do to get an order of chicken strips around here?
So, we are told about the next game, while treated to a rounding shot of an enormous ass hanging off a boat...oh, wait, no, that's the slinky supermodel! Who'da thunk?
So Pepper Ann and I-Wish-I-Never-Left-Witch-Mountain sit in a graveyard full of celebrity (and I do mean actual A-List celebrities) headstones. They make idle chatter, but hell, that's a given.
In one of the graves is a coffin full of some money - I don't remember how much, so let's call it $$$$$. Ka-ching!
But how will the Bod Squad know where to dig? Well, that's what I would have been wondering if I were still reading this! Well, we're going to see! In the next paragraph!
This is the filler paragraph meant to deceive you. No information here. And I got you into another sentence, too, tee hee. Again? Don't you ever learn?
So, in the submarine (yeah, they're in a submarine now, I don't know, I guess they bury people at sea??? It was a very confusing situation) The Mole and LA-Law-Was-The-End float outside a porthole. (Insert homosexual underwater pirate joke) Inside are the model and the bum. Now they have to play charades to guess movies in which real stars' characters died. Then the Necrophylliacs can dig up the graves and everyone can make some money. For the "pot".
So they do the charades, and you can actually see tears well in Baldwin's eyes as he is forced to promote movies that people actually enjoy with stars that people actually like. Foreign Magazine Cover-In-The-Flesh is surprised to learn about these "moving pictures" in the form of a wordless game.
What a country! her giggling eyes shout.
One word, two syllables, first syllable, sounds like "oar." Second syllable, sounds like "ring."
They get 4 of 5 right (4/5 = 80% = B-), and the Dirt Devils pull up the coffins like they were old e-mails from movie studios.
Hey, some suspicious behavior! In a real twist, DinoDolt sees what's inside one of the coffins, and it's full of bones. No, not the smokable kind! ( <--alternatively, substitute boner joke here -- boooiiinnng!)
Now, everyone is back in the "graveyard" and one by one, The Host With The Least opens the body boxes. No money, no money, and.... wow! tempting offer time. Instead of $$$$$, the team is offered $ to stop right now. I'll throw in ten bucks!
Ah, shucks...they go on. No money. Oops. All that's left is the boner coffin. They are offered $$$ to stop now and not look in it. Now the Gravey Davey upsets everyone (at least, they look upset, maybe someone farted) by saying they should go on.
So they go on, and.......no money. Nobody benefits from the game. Not the team, not the viewers, not even Happy the Rabbit, who was trapped under one of the coffins and, after tasting freedom again for a brief second thanks to the Red Croaker, was devoured by a swooping platypus.
Now for the final game - "Who Wants To Be An Asswipe?" Everyone sits around the dinner table, and the host (I SWEAR TO GOD, THEY ONLY STAY ON HIM FOR LIKE FOUR SYLLABLES AT A TIME, AND THEY STILL CAN'T EDIT OUT THE WAY HE JUST STARES AT THE TELEPROMPTER. THIS GUY SUCKS!!!)...er, was that out loud? Anyway, there is an exemption up for grabs - the Kelebs can unanimously give it away, and make money, or not give it away and lose money. I'll give you three guesses as to what happens, since you've been such a good sport!
Well, they say after 50, you begin to regress back into childhood, and Major-League-Doesn't-Pay-Me-Royalties proves it by folding his arms and declaring that nobody can get an exemption but him. Kevin-Spacey-Was-In-A-Movie-I-Was-In-So-I-Think-I'm-Cool throws a hissy of his own. You think six people who are all trying to prove that they still deserve to present affronting egos are gonna agree on something like this?
BOOOONNNNKK. wrong answer.
So, they lose some bucks, everyone is unhappy, and now it's quiz time.
1. Is the Mole black?
2. Is he bald? Does he look like a bîtch?
3. What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
4. Does the Mole have a career enviable in comparison to yours?
5. Did the Mole let the dogs out?
6. Does the Mole's last name "sound like" MOAT-TAN? Wokka wokka!
Now it's execution time. Well, Widdle Stevie Bawdwin is executed. Don't fret y'all, he's out of the game, but he'll be on the show next week anyway!
I mean, it's not like he has a job.