Dave (tapping microphone): Is this thing on?
Paul: I don't think you need it, Dave. There aren't many people here.
Dave: I thought that babe in the blue dress told us there would be a good audience if we showed up.
Paul: Do you believe every babe in a blue dress?
Dave: As long as they're not trying to break into my house. I'll just wait to present the list until more people show up.
Three hours later...
Paul: I don't think anyone else is coming.
Dave: Let's just get this over with, then...from the home office in Push, Nevada...the Top 5 Reasons No One Is Watching "Push, Nevada".
Paul: Where is Push, Nevada? I don't have any music to play, because I don't know where it is.
Dave: Well, that's one blessing.
Paul: And why are we doing only 5? We normally do 10.
Dave: First, it's not on the CSI network...
Paul: You mean CBS, don't you?
Dave: No...have you looked at our lineup recently? And second, since the blue dress babe promised us an audience and no one's here, she's lucky I'm not cutting it down to a Top 3. So here we go!
#5...Not a single J-Lo sighting in the first two episodes.
#4...It's produced by Ben Affleck, but the audience was hoping for a show produced by Casey Affleck.
Dave: Wait a minute, who's Casey Affleck?
Paul: The cuter one.
#3...Viewers are now waiting in diners, trying to curb an inexplicable urge for cherry pie and some damn fine coffee.
#2...Viewers who watch "Survivor" at 8pm Thursdays are entranced by the power of Ghandia's cleavage and can't change the channel at 9.
Paul: Oh, so that's why CSI gets such good ratings.
And the number 1 reason no one is watching "Push, Nevada"...
With a name like "Push, Nevada", the viewers were hoping for porn.