LAST EDITED ON 05-20-01 AT 07:31 PM (EST)
Before I announce the names of the 8 male contestants, let me just say that determining which 8 males to select was really quite simple. Although over 30 men submitted applications these 8 clearly stood out amongst the rest. For those of you that applied, but do not find your name amongst the “elite 8", please do not feel bad for this does not mean that you are not good enough for some stupid TV show, what it really means is that you lack charisma, do not have an interesting personality or background, and your attempts at anecdotal humor were about as successful as the British invasion on Dieppe during WWII. So you got that going for you, which is nice. In a way everyone who tried out is a winner, but in a more real way there are only 8 winners and without further ado or delay, here they are.........
Sleeeve, although a relative newcomer, has impressed everyone in the SB community with his uncanny ability to spend a whole week spewing out impressive and convincing spoiler logic only to blow it all by making an incorrect pick at the last minute in the vote thread. This 25 year old Chemist believes that his Drew Barrymore like fire-starting abilities will make him a valuable asset in Shakesvivor. Sleeeve plans to use his luxury item, a deck of playing cards, to bond with his fellow Shakesvivors and then grift them of their money with his patented game of 3-Card Monty. Now, three questions with Mr. Sleeeve.....
1. Sleeeve, are you surprised that you were selected?
Sleeeve: “No, not at all. I’ve beeen spoiling this show since they announced the application process. I’ve known the names of the contestants for 3 weeeks already. In fact, I already know the location, what the first challenge is and who gets voted out first. And are you ready for this news flash, it ain’t gonna be me!”
2. So, what’s your strategy then?
Sleeeve: “I don’t neeed a strategy...I’m just gonna figure out who wins this thing through photo analysis, voted out castmate exit interviews and stolen production memos. Once I know the winner, I’m gonna buddy up to that person and try and get myself a Harley out of the deal.”
3. Don’t you think that maybe you’re being a little too confident in your spoiling abilities? I mean, we’ve all seen your record this season....not exactly the stuff dreams are made of?
Sleeeve: “Seee, I knew you were going to ask me that, even before you knew you were going to ask me that. Have you even seeen my big brain? Webby had to order additional bandwidth just to house my impressive cranium! And all the Basher Babes insist that girls, deeep down inside, prefer a nice super freak like intelligence type of guy to some macho athletic good looking stud dude....and one day when I use my favorite line in a bar (Hey, baby want to go back to my place and seee what happens when you fill a beaker with sulfer, rock salt and freon and then place it under the bunsen burner?).....someone is actually going to say YES......one day....one day.”
SurvivorDawg is a 65 year old retired career military man who had tours of duty in both Korea and Vietnam. Although he didn’t actually apply to the show and adamantly voiced his displeasure and refusal to participate in Shakesvivor if selected, SurvivorDawg secretly yearned to be a part of this summers blockbuster, even going so far as to saturate the producer’s private mailbox with up to 15 letters a day begging to be a part of the show. An avid spoiler, it was SurvivorDawg’s stubborn refusal to admit that PsychoMichael lied coupled with his never wavering endorsement of the Source Code “spoiler” that led to some of the most exciting battles during this season’s “Spoiler Board Civil War.” Sdawg’s luxury item is an ammo box filled with C-rations. And now, 3 questions with the oldest member of Shakesvivor............
1. SurvivorDawg, now that you’re part of the show, what is your strategy for survival?
Sdawg: “What strategy? Don’t you know that Shakesvivor is fixed!?! Don’t you know that EVERY show is fixed?!? From Survivor to Touched By An Angel, they’re all rigged! So, what’s the point of having a strategy.....the producers hand-pick the winner anyway! All I can tell you is that I’m gonna try and be the last man there, cause you know that Shakes is gonna want a man vs woman final 2.”
2. How will your strict military background affect your ability to survive?
Sdawg: “Its not gonna affect MY ability to survive...its gonna affect everyone else’s ability to survive, I’ll tell ya that for sure. I’ve been trained in Black Ops, Search and Destroy Recons and LA Riot Repression....I know 43 ways to kill man through a modem.”
3. Are you too stubborn to adapt to the game, meaning that if you find that your strategy isn’t working will you be able to regroup and formulate a new plan for survival? The reason I ask is because of your hard-fast and continued support of the Source Code “spoiler” even as it crumbled before your feet.
Sdawg: “What the hell are you talking about?!?! The Source code was a real spoiler....its just that Lamber and Lislis were too fucking stupid to make it happen! That’s not my fault...”
Survivorist is one of three Canadians included in the cast. This 20 year old student has a reputation for being one of the truly “nice guys” of the SB community. He lists “stalking with a smile” as his hobby and his luxury item is a classical guitar. Now, three questions with Mr. Nice guy........
1. So, Surv tell us about this “stalking with a smile” thing you got going on?
Surv: “You see, most stalkers give stalking a bad name....they’re mean, grumpy and usually not the type of person you want to find hiding behind boxes in your garage when you go to fetch the morning paper. But, I’m different....I’m such a nice guy....everyone likes me, I mean, why wouldn’t Lamber want to meet me? And why wouldn’t she want to reply to my emails? Or return my phone calls! Or, or live forever with me in the spare room above the garage at my parent’s house in Kitchener, Ontario?
2. Okaaayy there, let’s just move on shall we.....being that you’re such a nice guy, do you think you can survive in this type of game?
Surv: “Oh, most definitely. Nice guys always finish first, that’s what my mommy always says. You see, once everyone gets to see what a nice guy I am, there’s no way they will be able to bring themself to vote me out...even the thought of doing so will probably bring some of them to tears.”
3. So then, do you have a strategy, other than just being nice
Surv: “Well, because I’m sure that I’m going to love everyone and I’m not going to want to upset anybody, I plan to vote for myself at every Tribal Council. You see, why would anyone vote out a guy who you know is never gonna vote against you....next thing you know ole’ Surv’s a millionaire and he’s riding off into the sunset with you know who. Let’s see a restraining order stop that!”
Ice Cat also hails from the Great White North.....this 32 year old former Mountie is now the assistant manager at the Kodak Photo Hut located in the East parking lot at the Edmonton Mall. A relative newcomer to the SB community who specializes in spoiler photo analysis, Ice Cat credits the Sampson-like power stored in his long locks as the source for his keen spoiling abilities. (and if it wasn’t Sampson who had the hair thing going on in the bible, then screw you cause you know what I meant) Ice Cat’s luxury item is a scruchy.
1. Ice Cat, what makes you think that you have what it takes to survive?
Ice Cat: “Well, I spent 10 years working as a roadie for such great bands as Slayer, Warrant, Anthrax and last but not least, the 13 wonderful days I spent with Winger. During that time I learned how to think on my feet, how to set up and break down an entire stage in 2 hours which should help when it comes to building a shelter...plus I learned many other valuable skills such how to work in small groups, how to hide a pound of cocaine in a speaker, and how to tell if a girl is really over 18 years old or just mature beyond her years in the blowjob department.”
2. So, without the benefit of photo analysis what is your strategy?
Ice Cat: “Easy, I plan to make so many god damned alliances that I’m gonna need a palm pilot just to keep track of all of em. I don’t call myself the Chess master for nothing......you watch, by the time I’m done with these fools, they won’t know whether it’s raining or Tuesday.”
3. A scrunchy? Are you kidding me?
Ice Cat: “Hey, the last time I had a haircut “water gate” was just another way to describe the Panama Canal! You know what would happen if I started hanging around a raging campfire with my long, luscious Norse-like locks blowing heroically in the wind? Well, let’s just say you better have your marketing people get Pepsi on the phone cause were about to shoot our very own Retro Pepsi/Michael “the king of snap, crackle and pop” Jackson commercial.”
Skierdude will be the first minor to ever compete on a game show/reality show. This 13 year old has become the “Dennis the Menace” of the SB community. But, if perseverance (even in the face of all reason) is an attribute, then Skier has attributes in spades. Skier’s high point from the S2 spoiling season came when he unearthed the evidence that Lislis was booked on a flight to New York the day of the episode where she was voted off. Skier’s low point on the board came 2 hours later when everyone realized that he merely copied the info off a post on EZBoard and tried to pass it off on his own here at SB. Skier, who was selected despite not turning in a formal application, will bring Mortal Combat II and Madden ‘01 for Playstation 2 as his luxury item.
1. Skierdude, why on Earth would you bring a couple of video game cartridges as your luxury item?
Skierdude: “Dude, LOL cause those are my favorite games LOL.”
2. Yeah, but you don’t even have anything to play them on...its not like there’s gonna be a Playstation 2 in your shelter.
Skierdude: “Dude, LOL you are so right...that is sooo funny LOL, time for a BUMP.”
3. So, I’m almost afraid to ask....do you even have a strategy?
Skierdude: “LOL, I’m just gonna LMAO dude. Oh, that is soo funny what I just said, you know what that means......let the BUMPS begin!”
Battling Survivorist for the title of “Shakesvivor Nice Guy” will be Superman. The 27 year old father of 3 is a mild mannered tech analyst by day, superhero by night. Known as the “keeper of the vote thread”, Supe also doubles as the master of the top 10 lists. The Man of Steel does have a soft side, as evident by his choice of luxury item.......a pillow.
1. Superman, are you surprised that you were casted?
Superman: “Not really. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered to be chosen, but let me tell you the top 10 reasons why I knew that I was going to be cast all along......
10. I’m quite well known on the boards
9. I’m one of the funnier posters on the boards
8. I emailed Shakes a $100.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com
7. I’m popular with the ladies
6. Uhmmmm, I’m popular with the ladies...
....the fact is that I really need this gig...have you seen my top ten lists lately?
They’re horrible! I’m all tapped out of material...that’s why I needed to be on
this show, so Shakes can write jokes for me this summer while I try and
come up with some funny stuff for this fall.”
2. So, what’s your strategy for the game?
Superman: “The same thing I always do....flirt with all the ladies while at the same time maintain a healthy relationship with my wife and kids....that way the girls can see what a great family man I am and they’ll want me even more. Then, after they’ve been fantasizing about me for days, how are they gonna vote me out?”
3. Do you think you can win?
Superman: “Oh for sure! Plain and simple if I ever get voted out I’ll just spin the Earth the wrong way a few times and go back in time and change whatever the hell it was that got me voted out. It’s foolproof.”
Desert_Rhino is a 37 year old divorcee who lives with his three children. A somewhat controversial member of the SB community, this professional free-lance cult programmer has been known to ruffle a few feathers on the Off Topic board with his provocative choices of sig. photos. Mr. Rhino chose a drawing pad and pencils as his luxury item.
1. So Desert_Rhino, what exactly is a cult programmer?
Rhino: “Bascially, a cult programmer is the guy in charge of indoctrinating civilians into the beliefs and practices of a cult, and then using my talents of persuasion to convince them to join the cult. I’m kind of like a recruiter. It’s almost like the opposite of a de-programmer, you know the guy that parents hire to kidnap and beat the shit out of their kid after they run away and join a cult. I do the same thing, but its on the way IN to the cult. It’s a pretty lucrative field and I’ve worked with some of the best....Jim Jones, David Koresh, Anderson Consulting....”
2. How will those skills help you in the game?
Rhino: “Well, if I think someone is planning to vote me out I can always beat them up, drag them to a motel near the highway, get a room and handcuff them to a bed, and then spend a few days screaming in their ears, putting out cigarettes on their arms and making them watch all-day marathons of ‘The Courtship of Eddie’s Father’”
3. Why the drawing pad and pencils
Rhino: “Its all part of my contingency plan in case I don’t win the million....I plan to draw caricatures of all the other contestants and then sell them on E-bay when the show’s over.”
RudyRules is a 49 year old happily married father of one. Somewhat of an infrequent poster on the SB boards, many thought that his lack of activity was due to shyness...but, recently it was discovered that the real reason for RR’s lack of activity is that he is still on the lam and in hiding after dodging the draft during the Vietnam War. As a wanted draft dodger, it has been hard for RudyRules to secure any type of employment so he is currently without a job. RudyRules will be accompanied by his pet beagle, aptly named SnoopySucks, as his luxury item.
1. So RudyRules, this has to come as a bit of shock to you? You weren’t exactly a favorite to make the cast, were you?
RudyRules: “This is amazing! I’ve got to be honest with you.....I got to meet Gervase Peterson from Survivor 1 recently and I thought that was going to be the highlight of the rest of my life. And then, to not only top that moment, but to do it a mere month later is truly amazing. Screw Lou Gherig, I’m the luckiest man on Earth!!!”
2. Are you worried that your status as a draft dodger is gonna rub some people the wrong way?
RudyRules: “Naw, that was sooo long ago and such a stupid war...I bet most people in the military would’ve done the same thing I did if they knew how that whole thing was gonna turn out. If there’s a military guy in my tribe, I’m sure he’s gonna want to shake my hand for having the foresight to sit that one out.”
3. How do you feel about being the only contestant allowed to bring a pet
RudyRules: “SnoopySucks is more than just a pet.....he’s also quite a bird-dog. When it comes time to do some hunting, SnoopySucks will prove to be a valuable member to the tribe....and that’s gonna make me a more valuable member as well.”
Well, there you have it....the final 8 contestants for Shakesvivor. Stay tuned for further announcements about the details of the show including the much anticipated announcement regarding the identity of the host. And then be on the look out for the first summary! Also, I’ve noticed some leaks in my production company so be on the look out for possible spoiler posts....as well as the possibility of fake spoilers....it could get ugly.