LAST EDITED ON 08-29-01 AT 01:26 PM (EST)
LAST EDITED ON 08-29-01 AT 00:04 AM (EST)
BLOWSVIVOR EPISODE 12
Dawn breaks at the DAW camp. There is a strange sound emanating from the area, an unfamiliar sound, a sound not heard before, and yes, there is something unusual about it. Could it be…is it…yes! It is the sound of SILENCE. As the remaining squad of four begin their morning duties, it is clearly evident from the quiet, in case anyone had forgotten, that GT is no longer amongst them. The DAWs are in an almost zen-like state, reveling in the gentle sounds of nature that they had hardly noticed until now.
Finally RudyRules breaks the silence, almost under his breath singing that well-known tune from The Wizard of Oz, yes you guessed it…
RR: I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain
The others join in:
IC: I'd unravel any riddle
For any individ'le
In trouble or in pain
OFG: With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'
You could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain
DK: Oh, I would tell you why
The ocean's near the shore
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I'd sit and think some more
ALL:I would not be just a nuffin'
My head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a brain
DK: Have you ever done that thing where you watch The Wizard of Oz using Dark Side of the Moon as the soundtrack? It is super cool, you really must try it, oh my gawd!
(Somewhere in cyber-space, LadyT checks her email)
OFG: Psychologist Carl Jung coined the term "synchronicity" to describe unrelated events that somehow seem linked. While it's intriguing to speculate that two different forms of media, from different eras, might be brilliantly aligned to create a single coherent experience, it's doubtful that Pink Floyd truly intended to match their moody classic with Dorothy and Toto. And since the group specifically denies creating any intentional match-up, we must consider that suggestion plays a big role in the experience, as well as, perhaps for some, drugs.
(Somewhere on Monkeyboy Island, VampKira exclaims: "Dark side! *sigh*")
RR: Dangerkitty, if you’ll do one of your patented dance numbers to it, I’ll listen to anything. <leer>
The Weenies, out of habit, pause and turn in unison towards GTs soapbox. IceCat even flinches a bit – but alas the stage is vacant and there is nothing to be heard.
OFG: Wow, we are a well-conditioned group! I pledge to do my best to fill the emptiness with my legendary profundity. If only AyaProbe were around more, he could close the gap with alacrity.
As if conjured up, AyaProbe approaches the group from over the hill. A handsome figure is walking alongside him. As they near, the DAWs shade their eyes from an intense green glow .
(Somewhere on Monkeyboy Island, Superman screams: "Noooooooooooooo!!!")
AyaProbe: Good morning, Weenies. Your Reward Challenge starts early today. This is SherpaDave – now THAT’s a head shot! Professionally done, not the photo booth variety that you all brought. Sherpa, tone down the eyes from Kryptonite Green, please, you’re blinding the Weenies.
DK: Ding ding ding!!!!
AP: Sherpa is here as a moderater because he is just one degree of separation from the popular TV show, Whose Line is it Anyway? Your challenge today is a take-off of one of their games – "Song Titles". You must speak using only song titles. If you fail to use a correct title, if you speak any extra word not part of a song title, if you are rendered speechless when spoken to, if you make too little sense, or commit any other violation according to the judges, you are out. You may speak in compound titles as long as there are no extra words or omitted words. Sherpa and I are the judges, and don’t even start asking about fairness or you’re out now. I know every song title of every song ever written, so don’t think you’ll slip anything by me. Got it?
IC: I wonder if this requires lateral or linear thinking. I excel at only one.
OFG:<muttering under her breath> Why couldn’t it be “Book Titles”? I would sooooo kick ass!
AP: What did you say, OFG?
OFG: <Gritting her teeth> Nothing.
AP: That’s what I thought. Now, you’ll want to hear about your prize. BV doesn’t have a big name auto sponsor, but we do have access to the discarded props from Hollywood movies. We have obtained an authentic vehicle that was actually used in a hit movie by a big star. Along with some other surprises, here's what the winner will receive...!
From offstage, er, rather from the woods, four crew members push a dusty car into the clearing.
AP: It’s the actual AMC Pacer from Wayne’s World!
OFG: I’m impressed…NOT! I think I’m gonna hurl.
RR: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine. Schwiiiing!!
DK: Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
AP: I knew you’d be thrilled. Our threadbare budget doesn’t allow for a real buzzer, so when you screw up I will make an annoying "BBZZZZZTT" sound. Blowsvivors ready? GO!!
The Weenies stare blankly at one another for a moment. Then…
OFG: We didn’t start the fire!
RR: Come on, come on, let’s go.
The DAWs begin tossing wood into the fire pit; RudyRules produces the matches from his pocket.
RR: <striking a match dramatically> Fire! <Tosses it into the pile of wood, which bursts into flames>
OFG: Whatta man! Light my fire!
IC: Hot stuff! Let me stand next to your fire! <Sidles up to the fire, and to the ladies>
DK: Come on over, Mr. Big Stuff.
IC: What’s going on? Help! Help me! I’m on fire! <begins stomping on the ends of his cascading locks, which have dragged into the burning logs>
OFG: Get back, honky cat! Let me help you. <Pours bong water on Icecats smoldering hair>
DK: <crinkling nose> Nasty! Don’t stand so close to me! <moves farther away from the combined stench of burning hair and bong water>
OFG: I can make it better. <rubbing aromatic herbs onto Icecats charred tresses> Smells good!
(Meanwhile, somewhere on Monkeyboy Island…
ItzLisa: "Pour some sugar on me!"
VampKira: "Photograph! Armageddon it!"
ItzLisa high-fives Vamps.)
AP: DK, FYI, if you don’t stop mouthing “Ring My Bell” at SD PDQ, you will be DQ’d!
DK: I gotcha! <winks at SD> Oops, I did it again!
(Writers note: Is it illegal for me to refer to SherpaDave as SD? Just wondering….)
The hours stretch on, and the BVs interact with witty and brilliantly composed combinations of both well-known and obscure titles. As much as the writer would like to awe you with her extensive musical knowledge and wide-ranging taste (not to mention her access to a cool title-search tool), in the interest of brevity we will move on to the final stages of the game. And believe me, it could go on and on. Do you have any idea what an obsession this can become? And by the way, if any of you doubt my song titles – go ahead, challenge me. I will soooo kick your ass.)
The Weenies have just finished “dinner”, and SnoopySucks, WoodstockBites and the Play-bunny have formed an impromptu band. Using IceCats “guitar” from a few days ago, an old metal drum with XXX printed on its side, and their distinctive voices, the three strike up a toe-tappin’ melody.
DK: <tappin’ her toes> You make me feel like dancing!
IC: I love rock n roll, let’s dance!
DK: Let’s get this party started, everybody dance now! Let’s go crazy!
RR: You might think I’m a loser. I can’t dance.
DK: Don’t tell me you can’t do it right. <wiggles her hips tantalizingly> Tempted?
RR: Well, alright, I’ll try. I’m happy just to dance with you.
OFG: Dance this mess around, dancin’ machine!
All four are up and dancing around the fire now.
RR: Great balls of fire, I can dance!
The party is reaching a fever pitch. At the height of the frenzy, Dangerkitty hoists the bong overhead.
DK: Everybody must get stoned!!!!
DK: What did I say?
AP: DK, that is not a correct song title. I know that most people think it is, but it’s not.
DK: What??? But GT used it in Episode 9! We all heard her!!
Stunned silence falls over the tribe. DK is aghast; IC is agape; RR is astounded; OFG is abject. Suddenly there is a crack of lightning, a roar of thunder, and two female forms appear above the group, floating upon a dark cloud. They are GT and Dalton, each wearing a sash with a numeral printed on it, and their cloud is dumping rain like a mutha onto OFG.
OFG: Oh, no, not again!
IC: Like a hurricane!
RR: <Peering at the sashes> Rainy day women #12 & 35!
GT: That’s right, RudyRules – and Outfrontgirl, I KNOW you know that too! <glares at OFG> You gave me that line to undermine my invincibility within the group! You were planning my ouster all along!
OFG: What can I say after I say I’m sorry?
AyaProbe and SherpaDave huddle for a moment, and decide to accept the lack of parentheses. Besides, they actually feel a little pity for the drenched OFG. A very little.
GT: Say it!
OFG: Miss you, wish you were here, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so wrong.
GT: Good! <smirks>
OFG: Who’ll stop the rain? I’m drowning!
GT: Dalton, of course. Dalton, sistah, go ahead and shut ‘er down.
The rain comes to an abrupt halt. Outfrontgirl wipes the water from her face, shakes herself a bit, and tries to squeeze the water out of her clothing. The others are looking on in awe of the magnificent power of Mother Nature incarnate.
(Somewhere in the ethers, mistofleas pronounces, “POOF!”) And the two rain-goddesses are gone.
AP: OK, let’s continue. DK, you’re out. Go sit down.
DK: I want candy! Thirty two flavors!
AP: Dangerkitty, I said you’re out! It’s over!
DK: Hot stuff, gimme some loving!
AP: Are you a moron? What did I say?!
DK: I know, you don’t have to remind me! <winks at SherpaDave> I need a man, genius of love. Ding a ling!!
AP: Down, girl! Alright, carry on, Weenies!
IC: Here comes the rain again!
OFG: Where??!!! <turns around frantically - then realizes what she’s done> Oh, damn you!!!!!
Icecat tries to hide his smug expression. Outfrontgirl narrows her eyes at him, and goes to sit next to Dangerkitty.
AP: Well, it’s down to just the boys. I guess this is must be one of those spatial-thinking kinds of activities that men triumph at – although you would think it was a language-oriented game, wouldn’t you? But our little empirical study here seems to suggest otherwise. Unless of course, these two fellows are simply deficient in testosterone – whilst you ladies have a surfeit. What do you think?
DK: Shut the fuck up!
OFG: Kiss my ass!
Icecat and RudyRules blush.
AP: Moving on…back to the game: This is it, for the big reward! GO!
Icecat and RudyRules eye each other and gird themselves for battle. Icecat speaks first.
IC: Tell me something good. Tell me why brown shoes don’t make it.
RR: You oughtta know. Too bad you’re such a loser! <snickers>
IC: Jealous guy!! I’m too sexy <prances about> Can’t you see, I’m a hot boy!
RR: <sneering> Dream on! Have you ever really loved a woman?
Off to the side, SherpaDave drools.
IC: Who’s been talkin’? Liar! <quivers with indignation> Do you really want to hurt me? <begins to whimper as flashbacks of the Borg start to kick in>I can’t stand it!
RR: Feel the pain! I will not be denied. It’s all over now!
IC: Aaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!! <collapses in a heap>
AP: BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTT!!!!!! No response from Icecat – RudyRules wins the reward! Rudy, I’m not sure how you did it – you seemed to have divine intervention there at the end.
(In a trailer somewhere, Kismet snickers.
Kismet: "Divine! LMAO. Divine, indeed.")
************Cut to commercial************
ANNOUNCER: Coming up – right after Blowsvivor! It’s the All-Star SB.com Pledge-a-thon!! With celebrity impersonators...Jizzy as Michael Jackson!
Jizzy: “Wooooo! Uuuhhhhhhh…..
...aymelek as Barbara Eden!
aymelek: Oooh! Did my belly-button jewel slip or am I just happy to see you?
...a poetry reading by samiam!
samiam:I would do it in a boat - I would do it with a goat
...the comedy stylings of moonbaby!
Moonbaby: Don’t get me started! Don’t even get me started!
...OCD-candy-sorting by lisapooh!
Lisapooh: Isn’t that odd? Noooooooo!!!!
And more of your favorites!
Ebug: I hear that true will be there. Is that true.
true: It’s true.
Ebug: How true.
true: So true.
dabo: I would just like to take this opportunity to say that I am not Soy Bomb I am definitely not Soy Bomb, not here not there not anywhere whatsoever wherever it may be, dammit all.
Be sure to stay tuned!!!!!
The BVs are back at camp; RR is gathering his things for his overnight reward stay, the others are doing the usual routine chores. There is some time for private talks with the camera.
OFG: I’ve been framed! I wrote the lyrics "Everybody Must Get Stoned" in bold, whereas the song titles were in italics! Anyone could see that I was making a distinction! Just because you can’t hear bold and italics, that doesn’t mean I was trying to trick anyone. Sure, I did capitalize each word, but that was just for emphasis. Why do people scrutinize and misinterpret everything I do? I hope Dangerkitty isn’t mad at me; we have been friends, but it eliminated her from the challenge. Make no mistake, that girl does not like to lose! I just hope she keeps lapping up my special brew – I know she likes me then!
RR: My UTR strategy is slipping a bit, what with the IC win and now this RC win. And I don’t know what came over me, it was like I was possessed by the Devil, the way I went for the kill over Icecat! If the others start perceiving me as a threat rather than a harmless old guy, I could be vulnerable. Good thing DK likes me.
IC: Never knowing when the flashbacks are going to hit is really disconcerting. If the others look at me as too unpredictable I’ll never get the protection I need. I’m better off staying here now, in the spotlight – if I get booted, the EO can have me “disappeared” and no one will even realize it until it’s too late. After what I did in the RC, OFG thinks I’m underhanded and RR thinks I’m weak. Damn, at least DK still likes me.
DK: How gullible can these Dumbasses be?! First of all, I threw that Reward Challenge – like I would be caught dead driving a Pacer – as if! Do you think that I didn’t know that was not a song title? And I’m just leading those two boys around by their scratching posts. As for Outfrontgirl, I respect her and all, but really – I’m a cat. If I can hide a pill in my mouth for ten minutes and then spit it out, I can certainly do it with a mouthful of that famous brew. Sure, it was a fun high the first time, but I‘ve been faking it ever since. I’d love to indulge, but I need my wits about me right now.
AyaProbe arrives, high-fiving RudyRules in a hail-fellow-well-met, male-bonding kind of way. There is much swaggering and puffing out of chests, hearty laughter, and re-arranging of “packages”.
AP: Mind if I hang out with you for a little while, RR? There’s plenty of chow. Ah hahahahaha
RR: Sure thing, Probe-man. And hey, I can bring SnoopySucks along for the night, can’t I?
AP: Of course!
The trio piles merrily into the Pacer, while the remaining BVs make a great show of waving and smiling and wishing a good time. As soon as the car is out of sight, though, the Weenies expressions change from forced cheerfulness to dejectedness.
IC: Well. I guess even SnoopySucks will be eating better than us tonight.
OFG: Sadly, there’s nothing left with which to make my delicious herbal rice cake/patties.
DK: At least there is still plenty of my favorite beverage!
Cut to the Reward Venue. The Pacer pulls up to a clearing in which a picnic table is laid out with an appetizer spread. Upon closer inspection, we see a plate laden with CheezWhiz-stuffed celery sticks, and Ritz Crackers smeared with Underwood Deviled Ham.
AP: Dig in! I’ll open the wine.
While AyaProbe works at freeing the spout from a box of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar”, RR sets upon the celery and crackers with gusto. AyaProbe produces three plastic wine goblets.
RR: Three glasses? But who...?
Just then, a figure appears from behind the trees, carrying a tray of steaming Kraft Macaroni n Cheese. RudyRule’s eyes widen with shock as we see that it is…..Colby’s mom!
CM: Howdy boys!
RR: But why...? What...?
AP: Hey, you know about our budget problems. A used reward visitor is cheaper than a new one.
RR: Actually, you’re a fine figure of a woman. I believe I may find you quite stimulating. <wiggles eyebrows>
CM: Back off, geezer. I only date younger men, preferably related to me, ideally by birth.
AyaProbe soon departs, leaving them to their meal and chat. After dinner, RudyRules and Colby’s Mom cram into the back of the Pacer to continue their visit. SnoopySucks hops in and snuggles up to RudyRules.
CM: Eeeeewwwww!! Are you going to let that dog sleep with you? That’s just unnatural!
Meanwhile, back at the DAW camp, the Weenies scrape what’s left of the “protein shakes” out of their respective tumblers. Having realized that the sludge is a conglomerate of a variety of discarded foodstuffs, they amuse themselves by trying to distinguish the different components.
IC: Wad is this stuff? It tastes punny. My Biltong is getting all jerky.
DK: Hey, Special K! According to the TV ads, all you have to do is eat this stuff day and night and you’ll look hot in short-shorts!
OFG: <retching> I think I taste an apple left over from the EEE/Spoiled Again challenge way back in Episode 3.
The next morning, while the Weenies are going about their morning duties, they hear a rustling from offstage, er, from the bushes. They look up to see RudyRules and his guest arriving.
RR: Hey, gang! It’s Gang!
DK: I’m all for recycling, but this is ridiculous!
IC: First sleeeve scores, and now the old guy! What am I, chopped liver?
OFG: Does idiotcowboy know about this?
The group proceeds to have a fine time sitting around the fire and opening the care packages that Gang has brought along.
DK: A bag of peanut M&Ms, blue only! What is this, some kind of cruel hoax?
OFG: Annotations to Finnegan’s Wake – what an insult! Don’t you know who I am? I could have written this myself, dammit!
IC: ‘t’? That’s it?
All too soon, the visit is over and it’s time for Gang to leave. As she is whisked away in a senior-citizen-mobile-home- park-style golf cart, we see by the expressions on the Weenies faces that, well, they don’t give a shit.
Before they can get started on whatever the hell they would be doing next, WoodstockBites flutters down with a scroll in his beak.
Outfrontgirl reads it aloud:
For now there are four
But three will remain
And three is the number
That will be the same
So come take the challenge
It’s like déjà vu
Or did we just say that
Cause it rhymes with gufu?
RR: I could swear I’ve heard that poem before.
IC: Don’t eat the green gufu. The green gufu is bad.
DK: What’s with the math? I was told there would be no math.
(Somewhere on Monkeyboy Island, sleeeve sighs: “Math! *drool*")
The BVs gather at the familiar venue. There are four catapults set up; farther away are four computers, and just beyond those are four beds with long poles next to them.
AP: OK, DAWs, you all know about our budget situation; we can’t afford a whole new event. This IC is a combination of three previous challenges.
IC: Cool! I have done post-episode vidcap analysis of all these challenges. I am soooo going to kick ass!
AP: You each have the same catapult that you constructed in the previous challenge. Instead of eggs this time, there are buckets of rabbit droppings that we have collected from the bunnies. You will catapult the crap at your keyboard, thus typing out a post of some sort. Next, go balance on your poles. Weenie with the most combined replies AND standing time, wins immunity. Blowsvivors ready? For immunity, GO!
Icecat, going with what worked before, directs dung until he simply hits ‘t’, enters that, and goes to his pole. Dangerkitty, having mistaken the rabbit turds for Raisinettes, can’t even get started on flinging until she gets the taste out of her mouth. Outfrontgirl has a theory all worked out, involving reading Finnegans Wake while listening to Blood on the Tracks, but a turd taps “Enter” before she even gets two full sentences completed. RudyRules, meanwhile, struggles to position the poop so that he can post a pic of SnoopySucks in full rock-star regalia.
Icecat and Outfrontgirl are balanced on their poles. SB posters seem to be adopting a “been there, done that” attitude towards Icecat’s thresd, as no replies are forthcoming. Outfrontgirl, however, generates loads of posts, all expressing astonishment at her uncharacteristically short message and suggesting that she must have inadvertently hit “Enter” too soon.
AP: Alright, enough! No one is going to catch up with you, Outfrontgirl. Game over. You have immunity.
The DAWs accept this, because no one ever argues with AyaProbe. Do they?
All we see from Day 36 is a montage of out-of-earshot scenes of the Dumbasses talking together in various pairings. There is obviously some kind deal-making going on, but we don’t get to hear about it. Outfrontgirl is resplendent in the brand new, George W. Bush-designed Impunity Necklace (personally autographed “You have great strategery – Dubya”).
AP: Greetings Weenies. I had to spend so much extra time with you over the past three days, I don’t want to extend the torment one more minute by asking you any questions. The jury is here; you are not to undress them and they will not undress you. Let’s get to the voting: RudyRules, you’re up first.
Ominous music plays as RudyRules makes his way to the voting table. He holds up his ballot.
RR: My vote is for Dangerkitty. DK, I saved your ass once already, when you were swimming nekkid in those croc-infested waters – I can’t save it again.
IceCat and Outfrontgirl vote; we don’t get to see their choices.
DK:<holding up her ballot> RudyRules. Rudy, I’ll miss you out here, you’ve been like a father to me, well, like an uncle, well, a funny uncle. Anyway, it’s nothing personal.
The Weenies are seated.
AP: I’ll read the votes. Dangerkitty. RudyRules. Dangerkitty. And the 13th person voted out of Blowsvivor is: DANGERKITTY. Dangerkitty, bring me your headshot.
As DKs photo goes up in flames, she embraces the three remaining DAWs. RudyRules cops a feel; Icecat slips her some t; Outfrontgirl hands her a thermos full of her famous potion. As Dangerkitty makes the trek away from the Tribal Council area, the others gather their things to leave, and we get to hear what Icecat and Outfrontgirl said in the voting booth.
IC: Dangerkitty, I’m really doing you a favor. You’ll be much happier on Monkeyboy Island anyway.
OFG: You’re just too much of a threat, sister. This is a respect vote.
DK: <chugs from her thermos and then kisses it> Strange brew, if loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right! <to camera> Hello, I love you! Do you feel like I do? I feel good - I’ve had the time of my life! Love is in the air, love is the drug, all you need is love! Do you want to know a secret? People are strange, but beautiful. Don’t let it bring you down, we’ll be together again. Take it easy, give peace a chance. THE END!!