LAST EDITED ON 05-28-01 AT 04:19 PM (EST)
LAST EDITED ON 05-27-01 AT 03:02 PM (EST)
DAY 1 it begins....
The show starts with a typical Survivor rip off shot of our brave 16 shakesvivors riding stoically into the heart of cheesy reality show darkness. Only instead of being brought in on a rickety old Air Force plane, or a Malaysian fishing barge this latest assortment of media whores is riding in one of those parking lot trams that you see at the zoo....only this one isn’t painted to look like a zebra.
The first person to speak is of course the host, some nobody named AyaK. AyaK explains to us that these 16 blah blah blahs, two tribes, blah blah, voted off, yada yada, one ultimate Shakesvivor yawn. Haven’t we heard this all before? And just for the record, someone ought to tell this AyaK stiff that charm school ain’t just for ladies anymore.
Here, just to get things started let me introduce the members of each tribe, and using my newly purchased MWD (Media-Whore-Decoder) from Radio Shack, we’ll be able to determine exactly which stereotypical token role each one has been pre-assigned to play. First, we’ll start with the ArrogantAussie tribe.....
Sleeeve: token “not as smart as he thinks he is” guy
Dalton: over-opinionated, over-caffeine-inated, token conflict seeker
OutfrontGirl: smart, crafty and quiet, but most likely a ticking time bomb
Skierdude: paint-sniffing, video game playing non-conformist
SurvivorDawg: army geek, ornery and loving it
Survivorist: token “just here to make friends cause I don’t have any already” loser
Dangerkitty: token flirt, will take top off with slightest of urging
Survivorchick: token “as gay as the day is long” same sex marriage lovin freak
Damn, this MWD works beautifully....now, on to the other tribe, the BorneoBores....
IceCat: token “I’m a computer geek, but I try and look like I’m not” poser
George Tirebiter: has three acid flashbacks by lunch
RudyRules: token “I’m old, but I’m nice” guy
Superman: eye candy, heavy on the brawn, hold the brain
ItzLisa: token “over-emotional, bi-polar, melodramatic” wack job
Mon Cherie: slut
DesertRhino scores a ten for handiness and a zero for social grace, a powder keg
Vampkira: slut part deux, but has a dark side..in other words, never let her tie you up
Okay, enough with the intro crap, let’s move onto the show...
So, we start out with the usual walk to camp where relationships and personalities first begin to emerge. As the ArrogantAssholes hike to their campsite, tensions already begin to develop between SurvivorDawg and some of the women as Dawg barks order and calls out cadence during the march. Says Dalton in an interview, “SurvivorDawg is quite bossy! I don’t know who the hell that dickweed thinks he is, but Dalton doesn’t take orders from nobody! Let’s just say, that if we lose the first challenge, Dalton doesn’t think its gonna be a hard choice at Tribal Council.”
SurvivorDawg has his own take on the matter as we soon hear in his first interview, “the rest of my tribe is a joke. These nasty, lousy legs would never make it in airborne, that’s for sure. Shit, if this was 60 years ago and we marched this slow, we’d be cooking our rice in German by the end of the night.”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the virtual island, the BorneoWhores have no trouble finding their camp as George Tirebiter, who was standing on her soapbox to make some pointless speech about how much she hates being here, yet also loves the brilliance of it, was able to see over the tree tops from her vantage point and spotted the BorneoWhore flag in the distance.
Once both tribes explore their campsites a little bit (the standard fare of beach, woods and water) they begin the arduous task of setting up camp. The HorneoWhores, guided by DesertRhino, pick out a spot in the woods, away from the tide line. Says DesertRhino in an interview, “I think its obvious that I know more than any of my tribemates when it comes to survival in the wilderness....hell, I know how to bank a fire, even after business hours and on Sundays and holidays...how many of these people can say that? I think I have a good chance to emerge as the leader of this tribe.”
DesertRhino enhances this belief by taking the time to tell each of his tribemates what exactly they are doing wrong as they go about setting up the camp, much to the annoyance of some of the others as witnessed by the following exchange.....
GT: “Listen Rhino, I’m glad you’re so helpful, but I didn’t come here for a friggen clinic!”
DR: “Why are you getting so defensive, GT? Don’t you know that I love everybody? And by the way, from the looks of that sore on your lip maybe you ought to go to a clinic.”
GT: <gets on soapbox> “Listen here you patronizing pussbag. I don’t care who you love, how you love them, or for how long...got it?!? Back in the 60's I smoked a lot of bud and dropped a lot of sid, and there was always someone like you killing the buzz, but back then we simply called him The Man. I don’t think this camp needs your authoritarian, totalitarian, self serving, mockingly tone! Got it? Good.”
DR: “Icarus steps out to call GT a bitch.”
ItzLisa: “OMG <click> will the two of you please stop! I just want to have fun and do a lot of LOLing and LMAOing! C’mon, guys, and girls LOL, let’s just put aside our differences and have some fun?” <bursts into tears and runs off>
IceCat: “Now look what you two did? Don’t you know that I get knots in my hair from stress? So please, let’s settle down.”
Things aren’t much better in the ArrogantAsshole campsite where SurvivorDawg continues to ruffle feathers with his strict military ways. Says Dawg in an interview, “Lazy kids, don’t they know that if it wasn’t for me they’d all be working in sweat shops making sneakers for spoiled Asian kids, instead of the other way around? Bunch of ungrateful lousy legs. Ya know, I thought this show was gonna be tough, but it’s all a lie. This place is nothing like real boot camp. Shit, one time when I was in boot camp this girl shoved a flute up.....oh wait, wrong camp.”
OutfrontGirl echos what appears to be the growing sentiment in the group in her first interview, “Plain and simple, once the camp is constructed, we don’t need him anymore. He’s just not very nice, and if I’m gonna play this game I want to vote off all the mean people and just have the nice people left so we can spend the rest of the time having fun, and stabbing each other in the back, but in a fun way.”
Meanwhile, someone is noticeably absent from the campsite construction. The slick helicopter shot pans over the tree line to the water’s edge where we see the youngest whore in the group, so young that he makes Jodie Foster from “Taxi Driver” look like Heidi Fleiss. I am, of course, talking about Skierdude. It turns out that Skierdude isn’t very fond of doing any constructive work, hell, he isn’t in favor of doing anything constructive, period. Says Skier, “LOL, they all workeen and me is down hair LMAO. Hah, BUMP! Ya kno, I never bean owt this laet, this is soo kewl....bump!”
Back at camp Dawg and Sleeeve get into a dispute over the proper way to light a fire....
Sleeeve: “All I need is two sticks, a rock, a 45 degree angle of sunlight, two pounds of pressure exerted at a rate equal to the mass of the rock multiplied by the height of the two sticks divided by four.”
Dawg: “Listen up you pinko Commie bastard......just give me three pounds of C-4, two detonators, a VC soldier to strap it to....and I’ll show you a fire that’ll make Hiroshima look like an Indian Guides cookout.”
Survivorist: “C’mon you guys, can’t we all be friends? I mean seriously, I just want the best for both of you and it’s just lousy that you guys are fighting...honestly, it makes me so sad I could just curl up into a fetal position and cry for days, for days I tell you.”
At that point Sleeeve and Dawg both became distracted by the thought of what a wuss Survivorist is and forgot all about whatever it was they were fighting about. They also forgot to build a fire. Idiots.
That night in the BorneoWhore shelter, Superman and Vampkira get to know each other long after the other have fallen asleep, over a little bit of friendly flirting.....
Supe: “Hey Vamp, what do you like better...Watermelon Jolly Ranchers or Cherry?”
Vamp: “Cherry, without a doubt.”
Supe: “Post Raison Bran or Kellogs?”
Vamp: “Post! OMG <click> I love the two scoops.”
Supe: “Unleaded or regular?”
Vamp: “You forgot diesel, sweetie.”
Supe: “Zone defense or man to man?”
Vamp: <looks seductively at Supe> “Man to woman, of course.”
Supe: “Tampons or pads?”
Vamp: “I’ll drink from both.”
The day starts out with our first look at the cold and hungry Shakesvivors. Dangerkitty joins Survivorchick for a friendly chat down by the river.....
Kitty: “How’d you sleep last night?”
Schick: “Horrible....did you notice something odd in the tent last night?”
Kitty: “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?”
Schick: “Surviorist and Skierdude?”
Kitty: “Yep, that’s what I thought you meant...what do you think?”
Schick: “It’s like they’ve never seen a woman before.....every time I opened my eyes one of them was checking me out....I even tried telling Survivorist that I was a gay, and he responded that that was great cause he was happy as well.”
Kitty: “And one of them kept yelling the word ‘bump’ in his sleep all night long.”
Schick: “well, it’s a good thing I am gay cause between the toddlers and General Patton, its mighty slim pickings in the man department in this camp.”
Kitty: “Yeah, that only leaves Sleeeve, who’s a nice guy don’t get me wrong, but seriously c’mon, I’m surprised the guy’s luxury item isn’t a pocket protector.”
Meanwhile, across town the Whores de Borneo are gearing up for today’s Immunity Challenge. Says RudyRules in an interview, “This is a big day for me....as the old guy in camp, I’m in a very vulnerable position during these opening rounds. And it doesn’t help that physically there are a few things I can’t do. So, I just got to hope that the challenge doesn’t involve any swimming, running, climbing, carrying, thinking, speaking, square dancing, repelling or portaging. Other than that I should be in pretty good shape.”
The two tribes meet at Challenge Beach where two long picnic tables complete with red and white checkered tablecloths have been set up. AyaK greets the 16 bewildered contestants, “For many years in the continents known as the Americas it has long been a tradition of the women to spend the days baking luscious fruit pies, and then to cool those pies upon an open window sill, until the scrumptious aroma would drift tantalizing along the dirt and rock driveway, greeting the man of the house as he made his way in from the fields after a long day of work. But, that aroma would often attract a different type of man, the treacherous pie thief, who would risk an ass full of buck shot to nab one of these baked, golden wonders. The problem with thieves is that although ambitious, they are not a very smart lot and once they would get their hands on one of these pies they would quickly realize the very reason that they were resting on the window sill...because they are extremely HOT! So, unable to carry the smoldering pie dish the thief would have no choice but to try and consume his treat right there in front of the window before the man or woman of the house could discover his wrongdoing. This often hilarious display of trying to stuff a 175 degree simmering fruit pie into one’s mouth soon gave birth to what has now become known as the County Fair Pie Eating Contest. So, are you guys hungry yet cause its time for the Shakesvivor Pie-Eating Immunity Challenge, brought to you by Hostess, the snack cake with the mostess?”
Of course there was no reply to that question since all 16 contestants along with 20 million viewers fell asleep somewhere around the halfway point of that tedious bit of useless filler disguised as history.
So, the rules are that each tribe must sit down across from each other at the picnic tables. One member from each tribe will attempt to eat a blueberry pie at the same time, the one who finishes first scores a point for their tribe. Tribe with the most points at the end wins immunity.
The first match is Sleeeve vs RudyRules. This was hilarious as RudyRules easily kicked Sleeeve’s ass cause Sleeeve wasted valuable seconds trying to locate the pie’s source code. Nerd!
Next up is SurvivorDawg vs Mon Cherie. Mon Cherie was winning until halfway through when she suddenly jumped out of her seat, ran to the bushes, shoved her index finger down her throat and vomited half a pie into the shrubs. Returning to her tribemates she said, “Sorry guys, force of habit, I couldn’t help myself.”
Skierdude lost to ItzLisa when he informed his tribe that he only ate chocolate for desert. Dangerkitty lost to DesertRhino when she skipped the pie and went straight to the milk. SurvivorChick proved that if its one thing she knows how to do, its munch down on some pie as she easily beat George Tirebiter. Superman trounced Survivorist who was too busy checking out the girls in the rival tribe.
4-2 Borneo Bores
Outfrontgirl used her spoiling abilities to correctly predict that she would be matched up against Ice Cat, and then pulled the same saucer of milk trick that worked on Dangerkitty to secure a victory.
In the last match, Dalton was an easy victor when Vampkira steadfastly refused to participate unless AyaK would replace the blueberry filling with Type B Negative.
So, of course we have a tie. AyaK instructs the contestants that each tribe must select one person to compete in the tiebreaker, only instead of one pie they must consume two. The BorneWhores select Superman while the ArrogantAssholes go with Dalton. Before they begin, Ayak asks Dalton if she is worried about going up against Superman. Dalton replies, “Shoot, I’m from Texas and down here we do things bigger and better! Anything you want me to do with those pies I can do it, eat em, shoot em, hell even tie em to a rope and drag em for a country mile behind my pickup.” AyaK signals the start of the match and Dalton, ever the strategist, takes advantage of that gargantuan orifice she calls her mouth and eats both pies at once, easily beating Superman and winning Immunity. Hell, eating is being generous, it was more like inhaling....friggen David Copperfield could not have made those pies disappear any quicker.
So, the ArrogantAussies win the first Immunity Challenge and before the tribes can leave for camp AyaK hits them with some huge news....”Before you guys leave, I have some news for you. There’s been a change in the rules and before you guys can return to camp you have to make a decision. I want you all to meet as a tribe and select one of your members to be traded to the other tribe. The two people selected will switch tribes right now, and as a side note, the person being traded to the Bores will be immune from the vote at tomorrow’s tribal council.”
What!?! What the hell kind of crappy made up show is this? Fucking sandlot baseball has more concrete rules than this farce! Well, whatever, to cut a long story short (and because I need to make a deadline) I’ll just cut to the chase and say that the ArrogantAussies decided to get rid of some of their youth and dispensed with Survivorist while the BorneoBores, realizing they had to win some challenges, cut loose the old man, RudyRules.
DesertRhino and IceCat are the first ones up and start to talk about tonight’s vote. Says Rhino, “you know as well as I do that we have to get rid of one of the weak ones. We can’t afford to lose another challenge.” Replies IceCat, “I agree, but who?” Rhino states, “What about Mon Cherie? She really screwed up the challenge today.” IceCat nods in agreement, “I can’t argue with that logic.”
Later that morning, Superman, Vamp and George Tirebiter discuss their plans....
Supe: “She really did screw us in the challenge.”
Vamp: “yeah, and all she does is pose for the cameras.”
GT: “I’m with you, we should dump her. We can’t afford to be losing anymore ground to the AA’s.”
Supe: “So, then we all agree.....Mon Cherie is going down?”
GT: “Me too”
AyaK addressed the contestants with the usual shtick about having to vote and how they can’t vote for Survivorist. Then, he addresses the contestants...
AyaK: “Mon Cherie, are you feeling confident right now?”
MonCherie: <glares over her shoulder at Survivorist> “Well, I’m feeling something poking me in the back right now, but I don’t think its confidence.”
AyaK: “Rhino, you’ve probably done more for the tribe than anyone so far, but you’ve had some run-ins. Do you think that is going to affect the vote tonight?”
Rhino: “No, I think my tribemates are stupid, but not stupid enough to look past my value to the tribe. Icarus steps out to pat Rhino on the back for a job well done.”
Okay, then they all go to vote and unfortunately we aren’t shown anyone’s vote. After gathering the votes, AyaK starts to read off the tallies.......
AyaK “First vote......Survivorist. Uhm, who did that? Survivorirst has immunity! Who’s the moron?”
Survivorist: “I’m sorry AyaK, but everyone seems so nice I just couldn’t bring myself to vote for anyone else.”
AyaK: “Alright, whatever. Next vote..........DesertRhino.. Third vote.....DesertRhino.”
Quick shot of Rhino who is looking moderately surprised. I’m not worried though cause this is the way they always do it on these crappy shows...to build the suspense. With 5 votes yet to be counted we should still get the overwhelming majority against Mon Cherie, just as we were led to believe by the editing.
AyaK: “Vote #4......DesertRhino. Vote #5.........DesertRhino. That’s four votes for Rhino, one more and he’s gone.”
AyaK pauses dramatically like the whore that he is, and then opens the sixth vote.......”And the first person to be voted out in Shakesvivor is...............DesertRhino.”
WHAT THE FUCK! Nice friggen editing! Where did that come from, what happened to all the MonCherie crap...she didn’t even receive a vote! What did Rhino do that was so bad, besides basically build their entire shelter! What a load of crap.
In his final words, Rhino didn’t say anything...he just walked right up to the camera and spit on the lense. Good for him!
Gee, only 12 more of these crappy episodes to wade through......its crap like this that makes me actually long for Julie Chen and Big Brother.
Till next week...........