Actually, Production is the Bandit for STEALING our time with this dreadful season.

The episode opens as every episode does...Ho Hum *YAWN* everyone returning from TC. Never has so much hoopla been made over a played idol THAT DID NOT SAVE ANYONE.

But hey, Tom Brady or Patrick Mahomes throws for 400 yards in a game and it’s just another day in the office. A couple years ago a NY Jet QB by the name of Mike White threw for 405 yards in his first NFL start, and now his jersey is hanging at Canton, Ohio in the Football Hall of Fame. So, I suppose I get all the fuss over Carolyn finding an II even though Danny appropriately stated, “the only way NOT to find an II is to NOT look for one.” Such is the descent we now know as “New School” Survivor.

Carolyn is determined to suck it in for all it’s worth by bragging about a fake idol (that Production went through the trouble of creating for all three tribes.) For the record, we saw the same “success” with her tribemate playing the fake idol as she did saving another by playing the real one; but the other players proceeded to display the same obnoxious embellishment as they did later in the episode when they were told the reward feast would be lunchmeat slapped between pieces of bread.

Which brings us to the REWARD CHALLENGE...

The F6 are separated into two teams of three by random draw. As a result of the randomness, never was a team so set up to fail than Carolyn-Jaime-Heidi. Carolyn was fortunate to get out of the challenge alive. Indiana Jones, in the opening scene of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” had an easier time escaping that rolling boulder than Carolyn did with the large sphere her (and Heidi) were supposed to control.

Carson, Lauren, and Yam-Yam won going away and got to go to the “Sanctuary” where three island women could not have been paid nearly enough to touch three pairs of skanky feet unwashed for weeks while the winners ate sandwiches and chocolate the castaways earlier orgasmed over when Jeff described what they were playing for.

Last TC, Danny attempted an embarrassing impersonation of Robert De Niro. De Niro has two Academy Awards to his name, but he’s got nothing on Yam-Yam who puts on a performance of his own trying to lure the non-Tikas into believing he wants to turn on Carolyn. His performance even extends to the TV viewers to prevent an anticlimactic TC of either Lauren or Jaime as the next boot.

Carson continues riding his bandwagon over how Tika “masterfully” got to this point. If the journey was “masterful” then credit Production as the Masterminds for casting a host of imbeciles who allowed Tika to take that “masterful” journey (apologies to Frannie.)

The RC winners returned from the “Sanctuary.” Yam-Yam arrives doing his best Billie Holliday impersonation wearing flowers in his hair. Carolyn draws herself close to Yam-Yam to smell the chocolate on his breath, most likely, raising the ire of his husband. This chick has MAJOR issues.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

A rather straight-forward challenge—balancing a ball on a circular disc using a rope. Carson must be chomping on the bit over another challenge with NO “damn friggin’ puzzle.” This is definitely a challenge Frannie will win...but wait...the scaredy-cat chickshs!ts Anti-Darwined her out of the game a couple TCs ago.

Right on cue the two most pathetic challenge performers are out right as the IC began. Carson and Yam-Yam bow out before the F2 (Heidi and Lauren) advance to the second stage.

This is a good opportunity to bring up Heidi. How many ICs has she won? Answer: ZERO. But here’s a woman who is the smallest, who is the shortest, and who is the oldest who has MORE than held her own in all challenges (tribals and individual.) Never once did she seek refuge on the Sandra Sit-Out Bench; and always puts out a “Full-Tilt Boogie” effort. So NO, you do NOT have to be a “professional athlete” and rack up a win total to be an admirable challenge performer. Just thought I’d throw that out there for my critic(s) who erroneously equate my accolades for challenges by “Tom Westman” proportions. Enough kudos for Heidi; back to the IC at hand.

Lauren emerges victorious with a super solid effort. Her first IC win was tailormade for her, but this win was top notch. And it was a clutch win that, more than likely, extended her game. Of course, the flipside is it made the upcoming TC a no-brainer Jaime boot. But not before Yam-Yam continued his performance for the ages.

Yam-Yam must have a closet full of Oscars to his name as his acting prowess escalates to tearful scenes. Since Lauren is immune, he amps up his performance to backstab Carolyn pouring the Kool-Aid for anyone willing to take a sip.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

There’s reason why I do not put a premium on “strategy” or “gameplay” with “New School” Survivor. The reason was crystallized with the F6 carrying their camp supplies to TC. The past few seasons, immediately after snuffing a torch at the F6 TC, the remaining players were not allowed to return to the merge camp. At season 44 the predictability, coupled with Production’s ineptness/laziness to change the script, has become blatantly obvious even to the aptly challenged players Production cast.

TC is highlighted by Yam-Yam, now adding a Golden Globe to his hardware, selling the Jury (and TV audience) on the decision of which player to vote out is still in question. I would nominate Carolyn for best supporting actress, but her morph-faced expressions are NOT acting. She calls it “emotion;” me thinks she still has some residual psychological issues.

TIME TO VOTE. Heidi decides to play her idol. The Jury (once again) breaks out into an orgy when she gets up. And (once again) like last TC, they orgasm over a played idol that does NOT save anyone.

Buffoons Jaime and Lauren buy into Yam-Yam’s performances and vote Carolyn. The other four make the clear-cut decision, made easier with Lauren’s immunity, to boot delusional Jaime whose advancement to the F6 speaks to how horrendous this season is.

Nominations for Ep. 12 Best Actor:
Yam-Yam (returning from TC)
Yam-Yam (at the Reward Feast)
Yam-Yam (post IC)
Yam-Yam (Tribal Council)
And the Oscar goes to…
AHHHHH...YAM-YAM LMAO!

Next Time on Survivor

The season finale brings a merciful end to this horrible season.
Unless Lauren can win her third IC, she’s as good as gone at next TC.

No more acting as the REAL truth of the matter emerges that no one wants to sit next to Carson at FTC. Unless the Final IC includes a puzzle, Carson will need to make fire. We know bloody darn well Carolyn is not going up against him.

If Carson wins the F4 Fire Building challenge, he wins the season. If not, whoever defeats him probably wins S44.