LAST EDITED ON 04-28-22 AT 11:06 AM (EST)First, it must be noted that SeeBS can't count to 10 so there is a controversy right off the bat regarding the number of this episode. The problem stems from the two hour episode which was a single episode but had two titles:
Episode 6a: «You Can’t Hide on Survivor»
Episode 6b: «The Devil You Do or The Devil You Don’t» which became «Sympathy for the Devil» for those with good taste.
That mistake by SeeBS had us scrambling in the voting thread trying to find out who was going to be the night's second victim. We all had correctly guessed that Lydia had no future in the game but we wasted our time and energy
on trying to guess who would follow her to loser lodge. Personally, I prefer those two hours episodes because it gives us much more character development, something the SeeBS editors and Jiffy have greatly neglected since,
oh! I'd say, Season 12.
The big event this week is not happening on Wednesday night but rather on Thursday (which was, of course, Survivor's natural time slot). What team are you rooting for? Gang Green? The Orange Crush? I know it's not the Purple
People Eaters. No, I think you're all on board with Big Blue, aren't you? Luckily for you, you have TWO choices in the first 7 picks. That means Commissioner Jiffy Probe will call out your team's picks twice in the first...
I'd say 1 1/2 hours of the show. Yeah! That's about right: 10 minutes per pick + 5 minutes of commercials every time a team's «pick is in» and you'll have wasted an hour of your life before your team gets put on the clock
for pick #5.
Come on! That Florida team had MONTHS to make up its mind so the show could start with a bang: After a minute or so of the obligatory «chamber of commerce sponsored» aerial shots of the Vegas strip in all its glorious orgy of
lights, Commissioner Jiffy could step up to the microphone right away and let us in on another not-so-well-kept secret that Aiden Hutchison (or rather, if my spoiler source is correct: Trevon Walker!) will be the first overall
pick. BUT NO!! After that Las Vegas Promo and the introduction of the host for the evening (I vote Chris Berman for permanent Survivor host) we will hear that «Jacksonville is on the clock». Please tell me that the National
Anthem sung by some fat RAP «singer» isn't on the program...
Let's give the floor to Mr Berman who will set-up the evening like no one else can:
-«Thank you very much for the kind words and let me return the compliment: I've always admired what you have to write when it comes to Survivor.
Now, for this evening, the first 3 or 4 picks are pretty much locks by this time but after that it gets tricky. Who will be your best pick at #5 and who will be left at #7? I know you've spent months wondering which way that damn
Carolina team will go at #6. If they go for «Maryanne-every-thing-is-better-with-Ketchup» or even «Romeo-is-not-into-Juliette», you'll be chuckling in anticipation of winning a 5th Super Bowl in your lifetime. Maybe you should be
covering your a$$ and picking the player you'd think they'd want at 6 so that you could still have your choice at 7? My source spoiler tells me that, after being the prefered pick in most mock drafts of the winter months, the Panthers
aren't going for a Quarter Back after all and that this guy called «Not-So-Young-Jonathan», who is WAY up on your board, could be their pick if you don't take him at #5. Another Inside Information I've heard is that scouts are raving
about all of «Drea-Wheeler-and-Dealer»'s potential advantages. It is said she has a «Steal-a-1st-Down» advantage where she gives her team possession of the Football at the spot where the other team just got it. She is also rumored to
have a «Double-the Points» advantage where she can turn a touchdown into FOURTEEN and maybe even SIXTEEN points. Have you ever heard of such a thing?!?! We've known since the start of the season that she has the advantage of running
a 4.05 seconds for the 40 by stealing Usain Bolts best time ever but the biggest rumor surrounds a potential «Steal-A-Trophy» advantage where she turns to a former Super Bowl winning team and demands they hand over their «Lombardi» and
the records would show her team earned that season's Super Bowl. Now, last time, at the combines, she showed up with Red paint on her hand. To many observers that was a not-so-subtle signal that she'd like to join the former Redskins but she'll probably be off the board when it comes time for the Commanders to make their selection.»
- «You know Chris, the rumor is that a trade-up is a big possibility here and one team listening to the Commanders' offer is the Carolina Panthers. They can't reasonably select a Quarter Back at #6 but if they drop back and
especially if they get those extra picks then a QB comes back into play for them.»
- «Oooh! Can you imagine the reaction of the Big Blue fans if the Commanders become the team wedged in between their 2 picks, litterally sniffing up their butts. And which team's Super Bowl would Washington steal? The obvious choice
would be one of the Cowboys' 5 but those were so long ago that you'd think they'd like to flip the record and have it show that they actually have 1 more Lombardi than Big Blue.
But, of course, her gender might make some hesitate a bit.»
To help us answer these questions, NFL-Survivor has invited 10 of the top remaining prospects to compete in a showdown in which at least two contestants will be taken off the big board. Since the top 4 «Heroes» are relaxing
at home, already counting their millions in guaranteed salary they'll be earning in just about 5 months, that will put on display all the players available for your picks. They will be competing in a challenge and will give you the all
important character interviews to help cement your choice. Because, as we all know, Survivor-Football is as much a social and intellectual game as a physical one. Do you think it's «Run, Pass and Tackle»? No, NFL-Survivor has become
«Outwit (Belicheck), Outplay (Brady), OutAdvantage (De-Flagate; Stealing-Play-Calls etc...)». Get with the times, man!
Previously on NFL-Survivor, Mrs Chanelle «Lovey» Howell was voted out to only Thurston's chagrin so she will not be joining us at tonight's last minute combine. We've already talked about:
- «Maryanne-Every-Thing-is-Better-With-Ketchup»
- «Not-Into-Juliette-Romeo»
- «Not-So-Young-Jonathan»
- «Drea Wheeler and Dealer»
So let's introduce the rest of this seasons top selections:
From Asbury Park, New Jersey: «Lindsey-Deli-Sandwich»
From right here in Las Vegas, Nevada «RocksRoy-Around-The Clock-Bailout»
From NOLA «Hey!-Gang-Giang»
-«Pardon me Chris but the rumor here is that «Hey!-Gang» isn't good when he's isolated on the field and going one-on-one. Which, for a wide receiver is quite a problem.»
-«I can certainly see that pushing «Hey!-Gang» down the board.
Next, from Rogers Arkansas,we have «What-a-Mean-Story-Tori Meehan»
-«Chris, her recent success has really pushed «Mean-Story» up on many boards but some still think her bubble will burst tonight.»
-«We'll have to wait and see about that, won't we, Mike?
Next, from Hoboken New Jersey «Mike-Slow-Turner»
and, finally, from Whitby, Ontario, Canada «Homer-Zero-Zaheer»
-«Many question «Slow-Turner»'s ability to switch on a dime and adapt his strategy while we're still not sure which version of «Homer-Zero» we're getting here: If he's «Homer-the-Hero» then he will certainly be worth a top 10 pick but
if he's «Zero» then teams should stay away as much as they can.»
-«What do you think we'll get out of «Homer-Zero», Mike?»
-«Personally, I'm not sure we'll get much more out of him then we would from Homer Simpson».
-«Good one, Mike, but leave the nicknames to me, OK? Anyway, it's time to get this show on the road.»
In effect, the camera was showing the 10 candidates entering camp. It was late at night and they had to be ready the very next morning for their big challenge so conversations were kept at a minimum.
-«I know these guys don't think I belong here», said «Not-Into-Juliette-Romeo.» «I want to kick them in the face.»
«Not-Into-Juliette-Romeo» was right about his position in the group because we heard «Hey!-Gang-Giang» talking with «Mike-Slow-Turner»:
-«That guy Romeo is gunning for me because we play the same position, so I don't trust him.»
-«You and I come from the same team and we've been together for all this time,» said Mike-Slow-Turner, so I'll have your back, don't worry.»
With that, they all retired to their dorm.
The next morning, Rocksroy-Around-the Clock» gathered all the guys playing Offense and said that they outnumber the Defensive Players so they should stick together.
«Homer-Zero» agreed with that deal on the surface but in his first interview with a GM he was clear:
-«:Rocks-Around-the-Clock wants to help all the Offensive guys to shine and come up on top but then how do I stand out in that group? I'd rather have it come down to all Defensive players with myself as the sole guy playing Offense.»
In another interview, Hey!-Gang-Giang made the same observation.
-«Rocks-Around-the-Clock want us guys to adopt his strategy but that doesn't fit my style of play so I'd like to see him fail.»
It's time for the Challenge and Commissioner Jiffy has a surprise for the 10 prospects so let's turn to the Commissioner:»
«Booo, booo, F U, Booo!»
-«Ladies and gentlemen», said Jiffy to his usual chorus of boos.
-«For this challenge» Jiffy said, «You are going to balance on a triangular platform in rough water with your feet perched on very narrow foot-holds. If at any point you touch the platform or fall off,
you are out of the challenge.
You will be divided into 2 groups of 5. That means two of you will win a direct position in the Top 8 of the draft but 2 of you will be eliminated from the first round entirely. Here is how it will work:
The last one standing in each group gets the direct pass while the other four will be subject to elimination.»
-Chris, have you ever seen anything like this? How can this help us evaluate the players' talents?»
-«Challenges like this are much more common than you think and it will show how the players react facing an unexpected situation and also it will demonstrate their balance and their ability to focus. Very important qualities for
Football players.»
-«Here are our two teams», said the commissioner. «On one side, we have:
-Drea-Wheeler and Dealer
Mean-Story-Tori-Meehan
Not-so-Young-Jonathan
Lindsay-Deli-Sandwich
and Maryanne-Everything-is-Better-With-Ketchup.
On the other side, we have:
Rocksroy-Around-The-Clock-Bailout
Romeo-Is-Not-Into-Juliette
Homer-Zero-Zaheer
Hey-Gang-Giang
and Mike-Slow-Turner»
- «Oh! my! what do you think of this draw, Chris? For me, what leaps out is that Jonathan has been put in a very favorable position and should easily earn his spot in the draft.»
- «Maybe but how bad will it look if he fails? He had a deal with the other guys to help each other but now he is left hanging.»
It wasn't long before the challenge was down to four, two in each group. It was «Deli-Sandwich-Lindsey against «Not-So-Young-Jonathan on one side, «Hey!-Gang-Giang» and «Not-Into-Juliette-Romeo» on the other.
The four had to stand still while the sea was throwing everything it had at them; a blitzing wave on the left, a double reverse on the right. The four were scrambling like Patrick Mahomes during the Super Bowl. Then Romeo fell
meaning that «Hey!-Gang-Giang» had an automatic spot in the first 8.
-«Now that is a surprise, don't you think, Chris?»
-«Yes indeed Mike but look at the battle between «Deli-Sandwich» and «Not-So-Young»! She is giving it all she's got but he-could-go-all-the-way! «Not-So-Young-Jonathan» wins the 2nd automatic spot.»
-«Most GMs will be happy with that result because we have a wide-receiver and an Offensive Tackle making it and that fits the needs of many teams.»
The next part of the evening was filled by the crucial GM Interviews:
First, we had «Homer-Zero» who said: «I never thought I'd have to prove myself again. Rocks-Around-the-Clock wanted all his guys to be in the top group but who is going to be out now?»
Next came «Not-Into-Juliette-Romeo»: «I don't know what Mike is doing here, he's like 100 years old but I got into an argument with Hey!-Gang-Giang last night and I know that reflects poorly on me.
I'm going home; there's nothing that I can do.»
During his interview, Rocks-Around-the Clock told the GMs that he had the guys he wanted with him. He knew he was better than all of them so he just had to wait and get a nice position in the draft. «I'm banking on the fact
that the guys are rigid in their decisions.»
Usually GMs don't like the cocky, over-confident players but is Romeo, the wuss who is ready to pack it in, a better alternative?
On the other side, we first had «Deli-Sandwich-Lindsey» who was actually eating a shish-kebab! : «I was so close to beating Jonanthan so I feel that I'm safe and it should be Mean-Story-Tori getting kicked off.»
Not-So-Young-Jonathan had an interview even if his spot was safe and he could have rested all day: «I put my ego behind me because as a big guy I couldn't come in guns a-blazing and telling everyone how it was going to be.
I have been waiting for my monent to make a big move and that was my time.»
«Everything-is-Better-with Ketchup-Maryanne» was cool with the idea of getting Drea's advantages out of play but as she put it: «I don't like to be treated like a rookie by someone like Jonathan.»
Mean-Story-Tori was worried that she needed to step up her game even more, especially in a group where 3 out the 5 players had either a direct pass or an advantage.
It was «Wheeling-and Dealing-Drea»'s turn and she was worried that the players with advantages could be targeted as being too dangerous. Already she heard that Maryanne was on the bubble because of her advantage; «Hum! This girl
has one too».
Not-So-Young-Jonathan approached Deli-Sandwich-Lindsey because the two went to the same school and they would like to help Maryanne, another former teammate to be in the top ten.
I mean it's nothing if you're a Georgia Bulldog or are from Alabama to have 3 teammates go in the first round but when you come from a small school like Tak U, it's a big deal.
Jonathan's plan was to expose Drea's advantages so that the GMs agree to declare them illegal and not select her. That would put them in the first round with Maryanne.
Jonathan's train of thought put Deli-Sandwich-Lindsey in a pickle so she objected: «What if Drea has an advantage to stay safe in the draft then we'd lose Maryanne and all her Ketchup for sure.»
The Elimination Council
First we had the group with Hey!-Gang-Giang, Not-into-Juliette-Romeo, Mike-Slow-Turner, Rocks-Around-The-Clock and Homer-Zero.
Commissioner Jiffy was pleased to hear that the discussion was about the players' abilities to switch from Plan A to Plan B and be ready to execute at a moment's notice. «That's what it's all about» he nearly screamed.
The GMs had heard just about enough of this group to know that Rocks-Around-The-Clock was too rigid to adapt his game or make game-time changes to his strategy so he was quickly dispatched.
Then came the second group which was comprised of Everything-is-Better-With-Ketchup-Maryanne, Mean-Story-Tori, Not-So-Young-Jonathan, Wheeler-and Dealer-Drea and Deli-Sandwich-Lindsey. Their discussion wasn't as pleasant.
It started with the realization that Rocksroy had been the one eliminated from the first group so it quickly centered on race and how the NFL-Survivor treats African-Americans.
Drea and Maryanne didn't want to be the next Rocksroy so they were both going to play their safety advantage, probably wishing that Brian Flores had found one before he was fired by the Dolphins.
That meant that only Tori or Lindsey could be eliminated.
There wasn't even a vote when all the GMs turned to Commissioner Jiffy to say that they wanted to keep Lindsey.
When Commissioner Jiffy uttered his famous: «The tribe has spoken» he added, «And you won't be drafted in the 1st Round.»
Yes, I know you don't like spoilers but I can guarantee you that neither Rocksroy Bailey nor Tori Meehan will be drafted by an NFL team during the upcoming first round of the draft.
Now, sit back and hope your team doesn't blow it...again.
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