LAST EDITED ON 05-14-20 AT 12:29 PM (EST)The final report of what the Aruba Commission will now officially rename S40: Garden State Dominance. A wicked hectic day for the Commission yesterday. Actually, did not even make it back until 8:05pm EST. No big deal as the first five minutes was probably Probst blowing enough sunshine up his backend to melt Antarctica while raving about how S40: Garden State Dominance was the BEST season EVER...
#1 – No surprise the Finale begins with the EoE win back challenge. Even less surprise the Challenge Beast Natalie with the THREE advantages the Jersey Girl earned, wins her way back into the game. The Commission concludes those viewers who poo-pooed Ben’s disadvantage from Nick last week may very well poo-poo Natalie’s advantages...or at least the viewers who display any sense of consistency. As it turns out, had the Commission been 20 minutes late instead, it would have only missed Jeff consuming precious Finale time with a bunch of sappy reflections from former winners...now current LOSERS.
#2 – Kim kicks off the banal oratories by mulling over why she couldn’t dominate a season with all former winners like she did in One World, confirming what the Commission has accurately stated on numerous occasions if you take Kim out of a “Battle of the Sexes” season theme clearly in her wheelhouse, she becomes a rather pedestrian player in another format.
#3 – Next up is Tyson who basically states thanks to Survivor he doesn’t have to hold a “real” job. He can continue to list “Son, husband, father, and friend” as his Occupation on his personal resume.
#4 – Am”bah” proclaims she only came out for her hubby. She doesn’t regard herself as a former “winner” lamenting most do not feel she deserved the title over Rob in the season CBS had the audacity to call “All-Stars.” With the most appropriate editing job performed by Production all evening, the camera shot immediately darted to Michele taking a seat on the Sandra Sit-Out Bench turned spectator bleachers for the win back challenge.
#5 – The Perv needs to remind us for the umpteenth time she’s a mom...yadda...yadda...yadda...
#6 – Finally, Ethan puts it all in perspective what is feels like to be a REAL survivor documenting his fight against cancer. We can now put away our ultra-soft Kleenex boxes and go back to the task at hand—Crowning a S40: Garden State Dominance Champion.
#7 – As Natalie now joins the other five back at camp, she drops a bomb and does something unprecedent in the game of Survivor—She actually TELLS THE TRUTH. She informs everyone Tony is dominating the game. This makes Sarah hopping mad. Her anger quickly turns to delusion as she makes a desperate plea to all the viewers to earn an online PhD in Spinology in an effort to swallow her delusional notion that SHE is actually dominating the season through Tony. LOL
#8 – FINALLY we come to the first Immunity Challenge of the evening...only to see ANOTHER recycled Challenge. The words “Oh Shoot” flash as a subtitle on the bottom of the TV screen. It appears those words of desperation were uttered by Michele confusing the Commission as Michele is the only remaining player to have solved the recycled “Damn Friggin’ Puzzle” before. Ben is on fire as he simply kills the obstacle course portion of the challenge, only to be reminded why he coined that patented phrase in the first place. Consequently, Michele scores high on her SAGE Memory Test as she masters the “damn friggin’ puzzle” (again) to possess the Immunity Necklace. This has the Aruba Commission continuing to page through the Daniel Defoe classic searching for that lost chapter when Robinson Crusoe finds a crate of Sudoku puzzles washed up on shore. *snort*
#9 – Back at camp, Sarah (who is the latest castaway to become a “legend in her own mind”) attempts to add to her “legend” by being unwavering in her determination that Natalie does NOT have any advantage or safety heading into TC. Bo-Bo Ben is just as adamant. Tony is the only voice of reason pleading his case to vote out Denise so he and Ben can preserve their HIIs. Has the Commission appropriately stated that Tony is dominating this season?? Michele, who is now officially quintessential goat material, gets gobbled up by Natalie. Denise is probably off somewhere staring at the only bullet point on her resume as the Queen Quitter Slayer.
#10 – The first TC of the night is hogged up by Sarah who decides to use TC as a platform to denounce female inequality by playing the gender card as aggressively as anyone has on Survivor. Jiffy realizes if he does not become a full-fledged proponent in Sarah’s “whoa-is-me” plea, the Nat’l Org for Women might storm his house and hang him in the garage where the makeshift Survivor backdrop is currently staged. He offers a feeble apology for only calling MALE castaways by their last names. It appears Jeff needs a crash course from Michele on SAGE Memory Test to remind him of “Wentworth.” Sarah instructs Jeff to refer to her as “Lacina.” The Aruba Commission will refer to her as “Susan B. Anthony”
#11 – With three IIs played along with the IN, the final vote is between Susan B. Anthony and Denise. Denise decides not to stand up for even a bigger bias in Reality TV – AGE, and graciously accepts her fate as the 14th member of the Jury hanging her hat on that one bullet point on her resume.
#12 – With all the HIIs flushed, Tony attempts to pull another “Ben” and go on a nighttime search for a HII. Even with his makeshift Indiana Jones torch, the darkness prevents him from finding an idol. In the morning light all five go on an Easter Egg Hunt and Jersey Girl Natalie claims the prize!
#13 – The F5 walk up to the second IC of the evening. NOW would have been the appropriate time for Michelle to whine “Oh shoot” not seeing any “damn friggin’ puzzle.” Ben, yet again, comes EVER so close to winning this challenge comprised of a water obstacle and marksmanship. He gets edged out by Tony, without the help of a disadvantage, who comes one IC win shy of equaling the Survivor season record.
#14 – Tony is all giddy about using his “Spy Nest” to discover Natalie telling Susan B. Anthony about her HII, setting the wheels in motion for the obvious boot of Natalie’s personal goat - Michele. Not so fast! In what was regarded as the shocker of the Finale, Ben decides having Susan B. Anthony as a BFF is worth MORE than $2 million dollars??? Instead of a TC where goat turns Juror, Ben gives swing vote Susan B. Anthony “permission” to write his name down! As a result, at the Finale’s second TC, Ben becomes Juror #15 by a 3-2 vote. That big ‘ole sloppy kiss Michele never gave Nick should be going Ben’s way. Considering it was for a coveted spot in the F4, it would be understandable if she decided to slip him a little tongue.
#15 – The final IC of the season...yep, you guessed it...ANOTHER recycled challenge. This one probably stolen from an animal laboratory to test hand-eye coordination of experimental monkeys. Jeff is quick to point out the four previous winners went on to take the Sole Survivor title. The Commission must give deserving props to BOTH of the Jersey Girls (Natalie and Michele) for outstanding efforts, but with the benefit of some monster incredible saves, the all-important final IC is won by Challenge Beast Natalie.
#16 – At TC Natalie must now decide who will face off in the fire-making challenge and which player she will grab by the goat horns and drag with her to the Finals. OR...she can rip a page out of Chris Underwood’s manual on “How to Win Survivor Coming from EoE” and take on the season dominator Mano A Mano. Whereas, Chris had the nads to take on that challenge, Natalie (even despite Tony’s urging) decided to keep her hands on the goat horns and set up a Cop-R-Us showdown between Susan B. Anthony and Tony.
#17 – As both take their places for the showdown, Susan B. Anthony jabs a few final trash-talking words Tony’s way. Tony takes the higher road and fist pumps good luck to Susan...or make that “Anthony.” Both got their fires started relatively quick, but building a better fire tripod, Jersey Boy Tony put the finishing touch on his season domination earning the win. After what seemed like an eternal embrace (and several viles of insulin later) Tony and Susan B. Anthony were pried apart where Anthony became the final Juror of S40: Garden State Dominance. Three of the twenty who played this season hails from the Garden State (NJ.) None served on the Jury because EACH AND EVERY ONE comprised the entire F3 sitting at FTC as Finalists!
#18 – Nothing earthshattering emerged from FTC. Tony easily reinforced his dominance and ownership of this season. Natalie impressively chronicled how she was able to successfully influence the game remotely from EoE before winning her way back and performing solidly thereafter. Even Michele was able to hold her own keeping her goat horns up high. The only two questions left to answer was: How many votes would Tony win by? And with the largest Jury ever, would Goat Michele be able to salvage even ONE sympathy vote?
#19 – Those questions were answered in Jeff’s garage with less than 10 minutes left in the three-hour telecast. The answer to question #1: A decisive 12-4 rout crowning Tony Champion of S40: Garden State Dominance. Answer to question #2: NO ONE willing to throw even a crumb to poor Goat Michele. Tony’s family bursts into jubilant celebration. Michele hugs sis sharing the realism of her embarrassing goose egg. And Natalie’s boyfriend looks like he wants to break someone’s face.
#20 – Instead of a few questions/closing comments from the “Brady Bunch” screen of this season’s cast, Jeff decides to salvage whatever little time is left to pitch the next season riddled with uncertainty due to the state of the current pandemic. What is certain is the last SIX seasons have been won by a MALE player. Unless Probst wants to deal with “Lucina” B. Anthony leading an army of Femi-Nazis outside CBS Studio, he better come up with some format to break this streak of male winners. Historically, a season with the Battle of the Sexes format has proven to be the best option to break that streak. Jeffs signs off announcing Season 41 has been halted due to the coronavirus...perhaps enough time to incorporate that format.
The Aruba Commission would like to give a “Shout Out” and Thank You to RollDdice for kickstarting the Basher thread each and EVERY week during S40: Garden State Dominance.
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