LAST EDITED ON 04-10-17 AT 01:20 PM (EST)
Hullo, it is me again, Chester Cheeto, looking down on all my subjects from my high rise (the highest - everyone says so) Cheeto Tower in downtown Mamanuca (Named after my daughter’s Monster Mammaries. Huge. Huger. Hugest. Hugerestrogenormous. #they’re really big).
I was visiting my estate at Mira del Lego (Spanish for "look at my wife's legs") at the unanimous invitation of all my employees there (they love me, they really do, in fact everyone loves me, I’m tremendous down there, pun intended. Except it’s not a pun, I really am huge down there) last week and because of Obama’s electronic sabotage of the lock on the door to my mansion (he hid my key ring from me) I couldn’t get back here to release last week’s spoilers. They were incredible spoilers.
I also ran across my “football”. It’s been missing for a while. Not sure why I have to carry a briefcase around with me, but it does have a bunch of interesting switchy thingies and red lights. Even a siren. I tried playing with them at night, but after the sirens went off, I got bored and besides, tweeting is so much more fun).
But I’m here, I finished brushing up my wig with a cool bouffant with a front ledge, and curl hanging across my forehead in a devil-may-care way, side duck tail swipes like the cool guys (Fonzie, Elvis, Fabian, we’re all cool guys - I'm the coolest), and of course, cool sideburns. I have to be original though, it’s just who I am, so I do it in orange spun glass.
Anyway, I finally found a spare set of keys in the microwave where Crooked Clinton thought I’d never find them, and I was able to come here and present this week’s spoilers.
Huge Switchy Spoiler #1: Queen Sandra is still in charge. No one will dare to vote against her, she ain’t worried. No sir, and she gonna eat that dam baby goat if she wants to, too.
Long live the queen. Except, sooner or later, even queens go over to the other side.
Win or lose, live or die, booter or bootee, the queen is the queen. Sandra will always be the Queen of Survivor.
(Respects, Michel, and RIP Sandra. And she will still be fun at the Ponderosa. But Debbie can be taken just about anywhere you want to go. If you dare, there are some dark places there).
Huge Switchy Spoiler #2: The flipper doesn’t know which way to flip this week. “I don’t know what to do? I safe because I have two idols, but I worry.”
Tai has his second “precious”. And it’s taking over his mind, and trying to make him throw himself into the Mountain of Doom’s volcano. More on that later.
Huge Switchy Spoiler #3: Tai, the HI King. Credit has to be given to Tai for his incredible talent for finding an HI clue that has to be seen written on the side of the water well after being washed with water. At night. Twice. In the dark. Credit also goes to the cameraman and his camera light. Somehow, Tai's accomplishment is somewhat less than we thought.
Huge Switchy Spoiler #4: Debbie is exiled, much to the relief of her tribe mates who can’t figure out which Debbie is going to wake up each morning. Will it be the subdued Debbie that kept her mouth shut for the first couple of weeks, or the incomprehensible maniac that blamed her tribemates for her failures during the challenges? Or will it be the scientist/scholar/model/Olympic gymnast/genius/inventor/Mother of the year personality that she alternates with? BTW, model? Really? Not that her claim to be a model is any weirder than any of the other claims she’s made, but model? For what, the cover of Psychosis Monthly? She is at least a month’s worth of crazy. Or The True Stories from the Annals of the Insane Asylum?
But, we must give credit where credit is due, to John Cochran. And a Purple Heart. For sacrificing time to fly out to Fiji to be with her on Exile Yacht for 30 minutes, including 20 minutes in her leech like hug, then immediately flying back to NY. I’m sure he didn’t picture that his time would be with Debbie, and that he rather thought he might be consoling Sierra, Hali, or Andrea. Me, I would have risked it too, although if It had been me, when I spotted Debbie on deck instead I would have started swimming for the mainland.
John Cochran’s next Survivor Blog will be interesting.
(Side note: Debbie is convinced that Cochran proposed to her on that yacht, and that she is now carrying his child. Twins, in fact. Due to be triplets at her next telling. For his part, he will always be grateful to the producers for finally crowbaring them apart and providing him with an escape route).
Huge Switchy Spoiler #5: Lecherous comment from the gallery; Andrea. Blue eyes. Sweet and sexy. Even after three/four weeks, I’d jump without a parachute to join her on exile island.
Huge Switchy Spoiler #6: It’s become evident that Michaela is not as willing to compete without her swimsuit top this season. The producers are probably responsible for that, and for that they can all go to hell, and eat my shorts. I like her spirit, and am reasonably optimistic that her true unclad self will come to the fore in upcoming weeks.
Huge Switchy Spoiler #7: BTW, which advantage would I pick? The absolutely convincing fake idol, I think. The extra vote isn’t really all that useful unless you know the vote is going against you by a one vote margin, or that it's going to be a tie. OTOH, If the competition advantage actually helped the tribe to avoid TC, that would be helpful if you were likely to be going out at the next TC, something that Debbie is completely convinced isn’t a danger. But a realistic fake idol could be used in various ways. It could be given to someone before TC to make that someone feel safe while secretly getting votes to boot that person. Being able to say she engineered a plan to get a big threat booted would have value at the final TC.
In the Jurassic age, they had Tribysaurs