(everyone that plays me gets 10 strokes, still, somehow, I always win). Theyíre tremendous golfers, but Iím tremendouser (this is, as of this moment, a new legal word, and you are commanded to use it as often as possible) than everyone else.
Hello again, it is I, the red headed King of all creation, Chester Cheeto, and Iím back to make you great again. The false news that I am just the President of this Island is just a figment of the imagination of a tiny minority of people who are as of now, fired, and on their way to Gitmo, which has been expanded to include everyone who isnít as tremendous as I am.
First, they spread rumors that I wear a wig of wispy spun glass in a comb over fashion (false, very false, everyone says so), then they say that Iím using my position to enrich myself. Couldnít more false, Iím already the richest person in the world, richest of all time in fact, so why would I want more? Well, I could finally own all the money in the world (this is on my bucket list), but I would only do that in order to make
me us great again.
But I am in actuality the king of all creation. Believe me. And I never lie. Why would your emperor lie to you, unless you are of the ďfiredĒ class in which case you donít really exist, have no rights, and arenít one of my tremendous people. My people are very tremendous, they out-tremendosize (this also and as of this moment a new legal word, and you are commanded to use it too as often as possible) everyone else.
Anyway, Kelly told me that my predecessor, Crooked Pornstache, has been surveilling me for years now thru my microwave oven. That is really really low down and dirty, to bug my lunch burrito like that, so I decided to feed him false news of his own, and thatís where the rumor that I planned this
take-over fair and legal election with Putin Pornstache. So, you see, itís a completely false made up rumor plan that worked perfectly (this brilliant plan is described in detail in my bestselling book that has been on the bestselling list ever since it was written, "The Art Of The Steal"), and I am your legal and fairly elected dictator by a majority of the population.
I had Ivanka get this weekís spoilers. I gave her the Cabinet Position of Pushy Spoiler Grabber and an office in this Coconut tree (I changed the nepotism rule so that it applies to everyone but a Cheeto relative) and she went to the island, flashed her mountainous boobs and her pushy, and returned with the greatest Spoilers of all time. That Ivanka! Gotta love her. Now I know why these are called the Mamanuca Islands, thatís island talk for ďMama KnockersĒ. Next week I may send her idiot husband, I hear that the island volcano is due to erupt.
Ivankaís Spoiler #1: Two tribes become three, and the luck of the draw has both Troy and JT isolated on tribes without friends. This dire situation isnít good enough for JT who thinks ďHmm, how can I make my new tribe mates hate me even more? I know, Iíll tell them who my tribe is going to vote for (Sierra) so that they can give her their HI and force the eviction one of my tribe, maybe even my best friend and loyal ally, Malcom. Yeah, thatís the ticket!Ē
Ivankaís Spoiler #2: In unrelated news, JTís tribe plans to throw the next immunity challenge and evict him at the next TC.
Ivankaís Spoiler #3: In also unrelated news, Sandra plans a feast of slow pit roasted JT. Spoiler #2 will just be to cover up another bit if island cannibalism.
Ivankaís Spoiler #4: Also unrelated, (OK, you caught me, itís all related) the island Cannibals plot to use baby goats to lure Sandra out of camp because she deprived them of slow pit roasted JT meat.
Ivankaís Spoiler #5: It appears that EPMBís subcontractor has delivered Debbiís CGI DVD, and Crazy Debbi will be front and center next week.
Ivankaís Spoiler #6: This isnít a spoiler, but just an announcement; there is a reward for anyone who brings me Malcomís man bun. Preferably with his head still attached.
Ivankaís Spoiler #7: (Standard depraved dirty old man segment) Thank you editors for the shots of Hali cooling off with water poured over her in her underwear back lit by the beach and sun and sea and jungle. Next time, make in slow motion. Twice.
Ivankaís Spoiler #8: Just a hint for anyone who might be appearing on Survivor in the future, physical preparations are important. Contrast Culpepper and Varner. Athlete versus Tub of lard.
Tribeca. Tribooka. Tribalika. Tribalikaloonylaka. So sayeth one, so sayeth all.