LAST EDITED ON 03-19-17 AT 11:19 AM (EST)
Hello, it is I, Chester Cheeto, here to make this island great again. My predecessor, Crooked Pornstache, has been voted out by a majority of the island people even though false news says he got more votes than me. Well he didnít. I have tremendous people who are the best at counting votes (everybody says so) and they assure me that I got more votes than anyone else in history. Or will in the future. They want to make the island great again, or they will be fired.
I had the best spoilers last week (everyone says so) but Crooked Pornstacheís deep state operatives wiretapped my Tower (the highest one ever) with his alien microwave technology that the old CIA used to bug the tower and jam the signal. But now that Iíve fired everyone that was working here, I can get this signal out. Because I have the best people working for me now, everyone says so.
Crooked Pornstache has been fired along with his crooked spy girl team, the really really raunchy graduates of the Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School of Moped Mechanics and Tremendous Titular Titleist Tits, and Iíve replaced them with my own tremendous spy team, my daughter, Grabby Pushy. She has mountainous mammeries of her own as you can see, and I made them great. See the ďI made these greatĒ hats that each one of them are wearing, magnificently I might add? Everyone sees them. And those that arenít fired agree with me.
Anyway, last season you had false news spoilers from Crooked Pornstache, but now we will make spoiler great again. So read the following (or you will be fired);
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #1: JT employs a new strategy to give him time to hunt for an HI. He takes the tribe out to sea and maroons them there while he swims back and goes on the hunt. Itís a bit telling of the level of his tribeís intelligence that while the they figured out what he was doing (it wasnít, after all, a Sherlock Holmes level mystery), that they didnít just swim back and spoil his plan. Also that they were out there in the first place and not hunting for the HI themselves. They obviously expect it to just jump into their laps as they travel back and forth to the water well.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #2: Or, perhaps they expect to find it in the entrails of one of the goats that JT caught. Mean old Sandra wanted to cook and eat one of the goats, but the rest of the tribe (who obviously hadnít yet reached the starving phase of their time on the island) were too soft hearted to kill the animals. Too bad, because the one dish that they had all the ingredients for was slow pit roasted banana leaf wrapped cabrito. A few hours in the pit and succulent meat will just fall off the bone. One culture that embraces that dish is the Hispanic culture, especially the Mexican American culture, so itís no wonder that Sandra was licking her chops at that prospect.
Itís also why I am building a wall, to keep those dirty goat eating Mexican crabs from invading our side of the island and pinching our poor innocent dream team crew. Best news, Iím making the crabs pay for their wall.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #3: Caleb Ė If there was a survivor challenge that required blank looks, Caleb would be the king. Or if there was a challenge requiring that you present an argument for your own eviction at TC, Caleb would also come out on top. His argument even induced his kissy face buddy Tai to vote against him.
Getting kicked off the island on the 9th day again? Well Caleb, at least they allowed you to walk off this time instead of being carried off. Saves the staff from trying to justify once again why you were considered a ďGame ChangerĒ. Now they can say you hold one of the records for least days in the game by returnees. Sooner or later they will probably have that as a theme. I hope I'm dead by then.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #4: Troy. Searches for an HI, and finds one. The tribe guesses that heís out on an HI hunt, yet they stay in camp. They deserve to lose.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #5: Varner. From the famous Australian pig killing season. And he canít bring himself to kill a goat. Mr. Varner, youíve grown soft. Iím going to guess that you live in either Simi Valley, or Portland. And my guesses are always right, everyone says so.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #6: An alarming discontinuity with reality - no crazy Debbi. The only conclusion possible is that sheís CGI this season, and the CGI studio was late delivering her wacky confessions this week. Otherwise, weíd have our wild and off-the-wall Debbi front and center again.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #7: Troyís Crotch bulge after the Immunity challenge this week wasnít due to rolled up socks for a change this week.
Grabby Pushy Spoiler #8: Observation; Sierra. I would start at her toes and kiss her up to her luscious eyebrows. Then Iíd grab her Pushy. Thatís what women like. They all tell me that they like it when I do that.
A Tribal expression of eternal bliss. Or a gaseous gastric olfactory event. One of the two.