LAST EDITED ON 10-13-16 AT 05:21 PM (EST)
Halloooo there! Can you hear me now? How about now? No? wait, I'll hang up and call you back. Wait a minute, it sounded like you were going thru a tunnel...
OK, now I'm receiving you loud and clear, Roger Dodger, Tango and Cash, and all that tommy rot.
Ahem. Sorry about that, a little technical difficulty, apparently the Moped Choppers were competing with the Customized Vespa mechanics for who could rev louder with no mufflers, and it sorta got out of hand. But now we're on the air and my super girl spy squad is nothing if not professional and have shut their motors down. Their internal cat motors are just a purring away like always, but that's just the warm glow of a background hum job.
For those of you just tuning in, I am King Goldfish, Detective of the Porn 'stachioed, and the super spy sleuths to which I refer are a really cute if somewhat undisciplined (in a good way) gaglette of raunchy girls who met at my Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School for Super Slithery Spies, Naked Volleyball Net Crashers, and Tormenters of Small Village Elders on Motor scooter runs.
Now, before they flip the switch on their Nitrous systems and spin up their twin Superchargers, here are a few peeks into the inner world of this season's Survivor antics and goings on.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #1: Our revered Survivor boss and non-releaser of Trump Sexual predation tapes, the EPMB himself, was caught in a honey trap this week. He just got a note from a very professional and likely very handsome in a dark and sinister way scam artist claiming to have video of him boinking women, goats, lightly microwaved calf livers, and other non-consensual acts with masked partners in Amsterdam (well, there are lots of dykes in the background). It is common knowledge among insiders that he does do all of these things, but to date nobody has had video proof, so Roma hasn't been able to sue for divorce and the Billions of his dollars that would come with it.
And there is no truth to the rumor that the Black American Express card that I use to charge Jet Flights, Italian Race cars, Gambling Binges, and the finest of fine wine and spirits for me and my crew has any connection with this scam. Yes, it is his card, and yes I do push the unlimited credit to it's limits, but I have no idea who is scamming poor old EPMB (reminder: Evil Prick Mark Burnett, aka Evil Prince Masturbating Producer, aka Evil Personified Mark-of-Satan Burnet).
But I have a feeling that if there is ever a hiccup in payments on this account to AE, those videos might accidently and very coincidentally find themselves in Roma's inbox.
Just a feeling.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #2: Jessica will discover that her feeling that she might have made a mistake in engineering Paul's eviction was right on. She received five of nine votes at TC. And she dissed Ken at TC who was trying to save her. That diss cost her his vote. So, yeah, her feelings were right on.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #3: Lucy goes home realizing that, "Well, maybe I played too hard too early". You think?
Just an idle observation, how many survivors, Hamsters, and the like, many of whom consider themselves Realty Show Fanatics, finally get on the show of their dreams and having seen the fate of those who 'Play too hard too early' can't seem to restrain themselves from that very thing, and go home early? (sigh).
Lucy, the Tigermom in you just ate your baby.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #4: Last week we reported that the Beach crabs ate Zeke's the millipede he was using as a mustache and had escaped. It turns out that that was wrong, the millipede is alive and well and fighting extradition to Zeke's upperlip. But the King of the Beach Crabs is in negotiation with it. It appears that the millipede's only option to avoid a beach crab pinch is to return to the booger perch.
Crabs everywhere unite!! One claw for all!!
Slithery Spy Spoiler #5: I said this before but it bears repeating here. Michaela is my new favorite survivor, and the blur button editor is my new unfavorite. Hopefully she will be allowed her constitutionally protected right to uncensored display of her twin peaks in the near future.
We shall now sing the American Anthem, and anyone who kneels shall be shot by anyone one who loves the second amendment, and Tatas.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #6: The Reward challenge will be hard fought, with a generous dose of the aforementioned Tatas, and an extremely feisty groups of competitors.
Bad News/Good News.
Bad News: The rip Tide resulting from the swell that knocked Jeff around failed to take him out to sea, but did take the meat and Veggie reward. As continuing evidence of Jeff's lack of regard for the welfare and comfort of the survivors, he chose to save himself. Selfish bastard.
Good news: Some of it washed up in the beach the next morning. Nothing like soggy decaying sausage to start the day off right.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #7: Next week the suspense will be whether or not Adam plays the (sob sob) "My mother is dying of cancer and me winning a million dollars is her only hope of living." card.
If this fails, I'm told he is holding a 'Lassie Saves Timmy from the Well' card in reserve.
Slithery Spy Spoiler #8: Quote of the week: Chris to Bret about Jessica, "Gotta Zap her ass!".