LAST EDITED ON 05-19-16 AT 12:06 PM (EST)
It is a sad yet joyous day when a season of Survivor comes to an end. Sad because my paychecks dry up until the next season starts (thanks to that really evil skinflint entity that self-identifies as Executive Producer), and joyous because I get to leave my latest alias, ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan, behind. Honestly, if I had known about the agonizing hand cramps that that would cause me, as well as the embarrassment of continually misspelling my own name (hey, you try to write that name while competing in drinking contests about every time Debby makes a condescending facial expression), I would have never invented it. From now on, aliases will be limited to four letters or less. In fact, initials are pretty macho, maybe that’s in my future. Since the Federales won’t know what the initials stand for, they won’t know how to Google me and I can live as free as I want to be. Go Commando, name wise. That’s pretty macho, right?
Maybe El Chapo? I hear that’s macho in certain parts of the world? Nah, that breaks the too many letter rule I just invented. And after googling it and immediately finding the DEA trolling me on cyberspace, that turns out to be a really bad idea.
Anyway, this is the last installment of Spoilers for this season, and for this final Tribal Council (I know, you are really my real tribe – sniff - sorry, I promise myself that I was going to control my emotions), and with the help of my beloved band of merry yet Really Really Raunchy Girl Spies from the R.R.R. Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School of Retro Moped Themes, Merry Prankstering, Scorpion Fighting and Chicken Not Naming, I have gathered one more set of spoilers for your pleasure.
So, if you can indulge me one more time, here they be:
Really Really Retro Spoiler #1: Never name your food. This has been mentioned before, but if you name your food, you can find yourself on a desert island with a bunch of otherwise rational people that won’t eat an available chicken. And they won’t let you eat it either under threat of exile. And come on people, they do call chicken the tuna of the land, don’t they? These guys actually contemplate cannibalism in their feverish dreams, but they won’t eat a chicken they've named Mark.
And really, about that. How about Rolly instead of Mark? Just an idea. And at least they ate Jeff. That's a shot fired over the bow.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #2: This is a patented, trademarked, and copyrighted idea that I got dibs on, so you can’t copy without paying a franchise fee. Here it is: ‘Selling Big Macs on the Ponderosa to survivors that have been jerked off the island’. Genius, right? Scott’s tab alone would have made me a millionaire.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #3: So we get to the end of the show, and they don’t present a tally of wounds and afflictions incurred on the island? At least they could tell us how many civil lawsuits have been filed by Survivors who are claiming damages. I guess it’s the suits interfering with our right to know.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #4: Scott is still a hateful bully a’hole.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #5: And it looks like that $800 jacket Jason was sporting was more important that his providing that poor little autistic child that he sacrifices everything (except ear jewelry, tattoos, and garish clothing) for.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #6: At the final evening's first TC, Julia whispers to her fellow jury member Jason after it become apparent that Cyd was about to lose the fire starting challenge “Bye bye, Cyd”. These two intellectual giants don’t quite grasp the fact that Cyd is actually going to join them at Ponderosa. It’s not “Bye bye, Julia”, but “Hello Dolly”.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #7: Michele’s winning move/quote; “No Cydney, you don’t need to practice making fire. There won’t be a tie, I promise you.”
Really Really Retro Spoiler #8: Peta is suing Mark Burnett after the show aired a filler nature clip of two scorpions fighting. It was alleged that this cruel and inhuman activity was rampant behind the scenes, and that the scorpions were starved, kept in cages, fed scraps from what the chickens wouldn’t eat, deprived of sleep, and were called insulting names.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #9: There is one amazing development on the last night of Survivor that was banned in Florida, North Carolina and Mississippi - they allowed a transgender chicken on the show. That’s right, Mark (who had already been under surveillance by the morality police for that name), a female chicken, started to crow like a rooster in the morning. She self-identifies as a he. The Attorneys General for those states declared that this was contrary to the teachings of the Bible and a threat to children so they immediately passed laws against LGBT chickens pooping where Christian chickens poop. The very idea!
Really Really Retro Spoiler #10: A petition (started by me) is being circulated to get Mr. Play-by-Play Probst to STFU during challenges. Or at least use his inside voice.
Really Really Retro Spoiler #11: BTW, about that chicken Not-Naming thing? You do realize that we are fated to endure chicken naming on future Survivor seasons. Like alliance naming on Big Brother? Like, it might have been cute once but why pound it into the ground? It’s like a bumper sticker or a Tee shirt, only cute or funny once, then you're stuck with a boring joke you can't get rid of.
PSA to all Lurkers for next season: You are urged to come out of lurkerdom before the police find you. The Be-The fun is not limited to old timers, so don't be shy. You are all urged to grab a Be-The Survivor identity and make fun of other posters who are hiding behind other Be-The survivor identities. It’s fun, anonymous, and you get free Sig-pics from the art gallery of the Tribe-Meister himself. Change Ids from week to week, or use non-human or even inanimate, imagination is the only limitation. If you see a funny, sarcastic, insightful, or whatever slant to a character's actions, post it up in as insulting a manner as you can. Even if you can't spell, you might find withing yuor self a talent that you never knew you had. It's liberating, educational, fun, and no hurt feeling are allowed.