LAST EDITED ON 05-13-16 AT 08:30 AM (EST)
ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan here again (you may know me as Bill), and have I got a story for you today. Whoo boy, do I ever!
I have been gathering evidence in regard to several undesirable aspects of Survivor, the underside so to speak, like Jeff’s predilection for monkey sex, Jeff’s smuggling of ancient artifacts in to the US, and Jeff’s methods of paying off anyone that digs up dirt against him. So, that being said, my investigation went another way, and this week I’m prepared to layout the evidence of corruption of someone that didn’t bother to pay me off. I’m miffed, so here we go.
Now we’re heading into the final stretch of Survivor, and before we go I’d like to express my thanks to The Evil Prick Exec. Producer Mark Burnett for being so evil and enabling the pure hatred that lies at the heart of this show. And for being a sush a skinflint that you couldn’t come up with a measly million or so to suppress this news. And come on, you couldn’t spare me one more little tussle with Rona? Skinflint!
You might say and it might be true that I’m having an alcohol fueled emotional breakdown. Soppy sentimentality. Maybe. But I think that we should recognize the greatness of and be grateful for being able to participate (from our armchairs) in the show that is the cornerstone of all evil on Reality TV. This is the man that who established the benchmark of venality that others measure themselves against, and who is ensconced in the Hell hall of fame for these and other achievements.
And as monumental as his achievements have been to date, he never stops trying for more. He has never rested on his laurels or stopped trying to top his own record. I mean, he’s already so far ahead of anyone else in history that it would be impossible for anyone in the modern era to surpass him (You’d have to go back to the archangel of death to find his equal), but he still thinks he has room to grow.
To illustrate, he finally found a beach so infested with deadly bacteria that two unwitting castaways had to be evacuated with life threatening medical conditions just from bathing in the waters of the island, and at least three others had to immediately undergo a series of lifesaving surgeries after being voted off the island. This alone broke all previous records. But he wasn’t satisfied. Oh no not he. It’s the mark of a truly evil man that he never rests in his evil machinations. He still had his eye on Joe, that 71 year old who refused to quit despite having to live with a group of the most obnoxious (Joe’s words) spoiled brats in the history of Survivor (well, with the possible exception of that little bitch Courtney).
Our intrepid evil-meister EPMB refused to give up, and he devised a plan that was the acme of bad, the epitome of evil intent; the corn hole Reward Challenge. It was obviously biased to Joe’s strength, his slowness. Sure enough, while the hares raced to get their sand bags and fire them at the targets, the turtle made his slow but sure way through the challenge, and while the others looked helplessly on at the end, he calmly threw and won. Just as the EP had planned.
The genius coup de Gras was the reward. They fed Joe an overload of protein which he voraciously tore through as they figured he would with his hunger honed by 30 plus days of fasting on the island while the others just ate their veggies. No fiber for you, Joe.
Predictably, Joe developed an impacted bowel which pressed on his prostate which put a kink in his urethra, and resulted in his not being able to poop or pee, despite extended spritz baths in the bacteria laden pools.
So, you didn’t kill Joe, but it was an ingenious plan, and worthy of the Prince of Darkness.
It’s been an honor to witness what is the zenith of Survivor cruelty to date. So thank you EPMB. We are impressed
I had to mention all that to give the Devil his due, but we do have our regular chores to attend to, and here are the splendiferous spoilers you know you can expect from me and my minions.
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #1; It turns out that Cyd’s pointy head was just due to her hair-do. There were questions in regard to cone-headed extra-terrestrial invaders, so I had to investigate.
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #2; Spoiler from last week – At last weeks Immunity challenge there was an interesting event that wasn’t shown. Jason assaulted Jeff by firing one of the blocks from the challenge at Jeff’s noggin. Jeff had exclaimed “And Jason takes the lead”, and just as he said that, Jason’s blocks all fell down. One can hardly blame Jason for that fit of pique.
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #3; Cyd laid down the law to Jeff, “I ain’t gonna play no cornhole game for nobody! I’m a delicate flower, so you come in the front way or you don’t come in at all. ”
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #4; It should be noted by anyone carrying Life/Accident and or Disability insurance on the final four that all the remaining castaways have acquired knives. And probably pointed sticks. No firearms have been displayed. Yet.
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #5; Added to the EPMB’s list of evil accomplishments is providing mangos to eat, and not providing floss. I personally would have killed everybody within range if I couldn’t get those dang strings out of my teeth. Torture.
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #6; “Quote of the Day, Jeff to Joe concerning his…well, his urethra, “Well, what’cha got there, Joe? Let’s take a look at that thang!”
Devilishly Delicious Spoiler #7; Finally, an observation. Debbie wanted an all-girl finale, and it looks like she’ll get her wish. F4 is Aubry, Michele, Cydney, and Tai.
All scenes (except the Kansas scenes) shot in Koda-Tribe-i-color.