LAST EDITED ON 03-10-16 AT 03:14 PM (EST)
Hello hello hello, once again it is I, your loyal reporter, me, or Bill as I like to call myself (aka ToTangGondolwattleChanLoMan) with the most outrageous yet undeniably dead certain true spoilers that may accidently contain a thread of fact. Your Mega-Spoiler guru, as I like to think of myself. And I do. All the time. Think of myself, I mean. And I also think of my gang of moped mavens, the really really raunchy girl spies from the world famous (hey, we’re on the bulletin board of every post office in the world) Really Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School of Batchelor Party Mayhem and Crotch Shot Ping Pong accuracy.
Dem goils is really sumpin!
Anyway they are still on sabbatical, and their leave has been extended due to the fact that I couldn’t get them back after they tasted the fame and fortune of the Professional Chocolate Pudding Wrestling Circuit. I’m sure they will tire of it, eventually, there are too many type A personalities on the squad for real team work, and it’s beginning to show already in the locker room fighting. At least I think they are fighting. Might be mistaken. They look like they could be fighting.
But I don’t despair, I know they will return to their true avocation, which is slithering thru the jungle in the dead of night and Sex-black-mailing the camera crew to gather their world famous spoilers.
Until then I have to do the slithering and sex-black-mailing myself.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #1 Debbie, Master of the Universe. She devises plans, coordinates activities, engineers escape routes, equips her army, leads them into battle, and executes the target. It was Peter last week, and Caleb this week.
At first she was stumped as to how to get a member of another tribe evicted. No one had ever attempted that, it seemed like an impossible task. But no task is impossible for Debbi, Master of the Universe. I mean, it was difficult, and it did take real guts to even contemplate such a thing.
But Debbie, Master of the Universe, was, as she always is, undaunted by the impossible. She planned, she devised, she invented, (she cooked a three course jungle meal), she engineered, and she didn’t let the naysayers deter her from her objective. She laughed in the face of the impossible. She defined her primary objective to get an opposing player killed or medi-vaced. It was imperative that one of them should go, feet first. Dead'er 'n a doornail, as she phrased it.
Her secondary objective was to get as many of the other opposing players either killed or medi-vaced. During the Reward challenge she set a grueling pace and tossed out taunts carefully crafted (Oh, that Debbie is a careful crafter of taunts. In fact, she actually invented taunting) that were sure to inflame the other tribes and get them to overexert, there, in the hot killing fields of Cambodia.
The hot killing fields of the Khmer Rouge, where the ghosts of millions still restlessly haunt the jungle. Their imploring whispers can be heard wafting thru the trees and crying out for justice. "Debbie, Master of the Universe, avenge me. Avenge meeeeeeeeeee".
Debbie, Master of the Universe always gathers as much intelligence on the enemy as is possible. And she noticed that Caleb was always the most enthusiastic guy in the challenges, always running from the crack of the gun, putting every exertion into trying to help his tribe win, and she knew she could use the hot killing sun of Cambodia to kill him. Or she hoped. Or at least to get him medi-vaced. And if others happen to fall to the wayside also, well so much the better for her. In order to be Debbie the Master of the Universe, you have to be merciless. When she was little, her mother’s pet name for her was “Ming the Merciless”. Cute, eh?
It’s possible that Debbie got the inspiration for her plan from the Khmer Rouge, but whatever, she achieved her first objective, almost achieved her second but fell a little short of her ultimate objective to kill everyone else on Survivor and win by default.
If there was a flaw in her plan, it was that in trying so hard to obtain her objectives by whipping up enthusiasm and creating panic among the other tribes, she failed to take into account that she could give herself heat stroke. Her invincibility wasn’t quite as invincible as the term invincible would seem to indicate. She was Master of the Universe, Debbie the Merciless, but she was not Debbie the Indestructible.
Her plan worked and Caleb, poor Caleb, enthusiastic to a fault and half of a budding island romance, was hauled out in a helicopter. Debbie’s exit plan (for Caleb) worked and her follow-up plan, to lie on the ground and pretend to be exhausted so as to throw the local law enforcement officers off the scent, also worked.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #2 Caleb comes out a a fallen hero, a Martyr. Huh. Never would have guessed it.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #3 Tai is the heartbroken lover.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #4 And now we present to a little island production of the drama, "Be The Brawn"
Be the Alecia: “So why did you want me to stop cheerleading? Why shouldn’t I cheerlead? I even brought my Pom Poms."
Be the Scott: “Because you aren’t on a NBA team, and so you shouldn’t cheerlead.”
Be the Alecia:” I just want us to act alike a team, you know, with team work and all.”
Be the Scot: “You aren’t a world class athlete, Alecia, that’s why we shouldn’t act as a team. Why can’t you see that?”
Be the Cydney: “ZZZZZZZZ” <doing her best slug imitation.>
Be the Jason” I know what it takes to run down a felon, and you don’t, so stop trying to cheerlead. It’s wrong, just all wrong, Alecia”. <Stomp off in a rage at Alecia’s lack of understanding.>
Be the Alecia:” But you were sitting on the edge of the pit while me and Cydney kept digging. We never gave up. Why did you give up? Why shouldn’t I challenge you on that?”
Be the Jason: “Yeah Alecia, you just don’t get it, do you? We’re the guys, we get to lay around camp and in challenges while you women do the digging and the work. Why can’t see that?”
Cydney: “ZZZZZZ”, “Snorkle”, open eyes, “Come again? What did you just say?”
Jason: “Not you Cydney, you’re one of the guys here”.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #5 Next episode will feature the “Big Awakening of Cydney” When she realizes who is on bottom of a three member tribe with two male chauvinist pigs. And who will be doing the camp work and challenge work.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #6 The Brains tribe will hence forth be known as the Brains plus Joe.
"Not the spry FBI newby you once were, are you Joe."
Watching him get thru the obstacle course was painful.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #7 Alecia did her best. The eviction was inevitable, and her tribemates had no class. It was ugly.
Slithering SBM Spoiler #8 Because of her talent for designing challenges to kill Survivors, the EPMB thought about offering Debbie the job of designing the challenges for future Survivor seasons, but because he realized that Debbie might actually be more the Master of the Universe that he was, he decided not to. Professional jealousy.
The Tribal caucuses were held this week. Results are that Tribe has caulked sinuses. It was unanimous.