Reporting once again from my palm tree top paradise is me, your ole Stumper, Stumpy Lumpkin, aka the Left Nipple of God. Things seem to be back to normal after the biblical flooding and the strange case of the disappearance of the EPMB.
It seems that someone did kidnap the old codger and was actually keeping him pent up in a bamboo cage and was actually amusing themselves by poking his scrotum with sharp sticks. So much for coincidences, because that is a favorite pastime of my sleek and slippery band of sleuthy sadistic nympho girl spies.
Although I can’t account for the whereabouts of my merry berry brown graduates of the raunchiest girl’s finishing school anywhere, I can assure you and whoever is listening in that I had no knowledge of anything, and I did not participate in anything let alone order that anything be done. I completely absolve myself of and deny anything. Everything. Whatever. I didn’t do it even though what you what you read last week might be interpreted as a confession. I didn’t do that either. I was sitting with the neighbor’s dogs, and they can testify to that effect. We will need a court interpreter, which I will happily provide.
Anyway, this week’s super spoilers are brought to you by the Pokey Pete People, manufacturers of sharp sticks made specifically for poking the Evil Prick Mark Burnetts of this world in their scrotums. Remember, if EPMB’s scrotum isn’t bleeding, you’re not using a real Pokey Pete Poker, and it’s just not the best.
And it seems that the old guy is walking mighty funny like and is as loopy as a duck on pain pills. So, to whoever did it, (not I, as I said, I deny everything), job well done.
Pokey Pete Spoiler #1: Spence’s Magic Eight ball says “4 is the magic number this week”. It also said “Yo Mama so fat…” and “Ozzy, Anglin and Cochran walk into a bar, and the bartender says Richard Hatch was just here, and he has got a get rich scheme for you that he swears will save you having to pay income tax…”. So much for Magic Eight Ball fortunes.
Pokey Pete Spoiler #2: Folks, this week you will witness the best reward in the history of Survivor. According to Probst. Again.
Ok, the food is nice. Great even. But I suspect that this reward was just another attempt to kill or drive another Castaway insane. Spending the night in ancient ruins is creep out city. For real. I once spent part of a night at Tikal, and things happened. I’m not sure what, but it was not fun. Especially when I ran blindly thru the jungle on that pitch black night and had to be rescued the next day wandering aimlessly and muttering strange incantations, the likes of which I neither understood nor can quite remember. I do remember saying some God’s name over and over, and that his name had a bunch of Xs in it.
Pokey Pete Spoiler #3: The reward challenge included a bunch of guys in Saffron robes, and bunch of hot Asian Chicks doing a dance that if the tempo was increased by 10 times or so would be Gangnam style.
Pokey Pete Spoiler #4: The challenge designer’s latest attempt to kill a Castaway came in the IC. And Tasha didn’t do the “Water is a black person’s kryptonite” stereotype any favors.
Pokey Pete Spoiler #5: Someone needs to tell Fishbach to close his mouth. Not everything Probst says requires an openmouthed gape. Unless he really is trying to imitate a fish. Put a plug in it, Fishbach!
Pokey Pete Spoiler #6: Abi says she is at the point of no return. Her tribe mates will grant her that outcome.
This sig is just Tribal spoor.