Oh Caladonia, will this rain never end?
I been stuck here in Cambodia,
with pneumonia’s comin’ round the bend,
Sitting in a muddy puddle, and
Shaking and shivering like a leaf in the wind,
Oh Caladonia, will this rain never end!
Hello, your old friend Lumpy here, broadcasting from an underground bunker this time due to a non-stop deluge that we’ve had to endure and that has made my Coconut Palm tree palace located 60 stories above this unnamed island in this unnamed country on this unnamed planet untenable. It’s wet up there, and more importantly, it is an efficient lightning rod. Which makes it very inefficient for my continued presence there.
So here we are, cozily huddled up in our tornado shelter. So cozily in fact that I really should have thought of this before now. Comforts of home have never been so comfortable as they are with my merry berry-brown band of oversexed super sleuth spoiler spy graduates from an unnamed (but really raunchy) Girls Finishing School of Berserk, Mayhem, and Skullduggery, with a strong curriculum in Moped Chopping for Street Racing.
Not helping in the least is the lack of really really raunchy spoilers this week. It’s a real weak week. So in an effort to get the most intimate and most detailed inside info, I invested in a bunch of Go-Pro cameras. We put them everywhere. And still NOTHING. These are the most aggravating bunch of petunias the spoiler world has ever had to endure. OK, there is the epidemic of no hand washing after going to the latrine, and the constant of spittle from Keith, and the hateful facial expressions that seem to be permanently etched on Abi’s and Ciera’s faces.
But all that is old news, not the kind of insightful observations that we usually provide and that you have come to expect. Not to mention that you pay for (my continued thanks to you loyal subscribers, BTW, the recent hikes in the fees are all due to having to defend myself against the EPMB’s aggressive lawsuits. So let’s hear a BOO, HISS for him, and keep those checks coming.)
However, although the Go-Pro spying hasn’t really been fruitful to date, we did receive something from our faithful Galapagos Turtle delivery boy (he doesn’t speak, we call him Knobby) at the last moment. So, here they are.
Knobby’s Spoiler #1: It’s raining. Even the crab’s shells are getting all wrinkly. And who ever thought that it could get cold in Cambodia. Nowhere in “Lonely Planet” do they mention that you should pack your artic gear when visiting Cambodia.
Knobby’s Spoiler #2: Abi sits out the reward challenge. Without a fuss. She just didn’t get picked for either of the school yard teams. A diss like that is personal and strategic. She pouted and sobbed silently, but didn’t have anyone to complain to. So she sat quietly. Never fear though, the magma column in the volcano that is Abi is rising.
Knobby’s Spoiler #3: So Keith was on the losing team at RC and didn’t go to take a shower. Which only added to the punishment for his team, because by now Keith’s body odor is more efficient at killing plants and small animals than Agent Orange.
Knobby’s Spoiler #4: What? The Snuffer got the Wigglesworth? The octogenarian from the very first season of Spoiler? The Wigglesworth who in an epic final TC lost to Richard Hatch by one single vote? How dare they besmirch the name of a hallowed Survivor hall of famer? The snuffer has a lot to answer for here.
But personally, I’m kinda glad, because I kept getting the Kelley’s confused. There should be a bylaw prohibiting more than one Kelly (with or without the extra e) in the same season.
Knobby’s Spoiler #5: Once again, the old “Famous Last Words” curse strikes. When asked about her chances of survival at the next Tribal Council she replies “I’m pretty confident”. Might as well pack your bags after that.
BTW, if there was ever an IC designed for Wigglesworth the whitewater guide, balancing on a pyramid in the water would be it. If she can navigate a class five rapids, that should have been a piece of cake.
Knobby’s Spoiler #6: Fish wants to be a witch. That’s limerick material (and a work in progress).
Knobby’s Spoiler #7: Another rule of Survivor I’m naming the “The Muddy Fuzzy Math Challenged Rule”: If you are in the majority, and your majority is pagonging a supposedly hopeless minority, do not split the vote if the split vote totals are not more than the minority numbers plus one.
Hubris is a smug-ass bitch.
Because one majority member flip will cause alarm, and two flips will cause destruction. And there is always at least one potential flipper in every crowd.
Ex. With 11 survivors remaining and 3 in the minority and 8 in the supposed majority, splitting the majority votes into 4 for any two of the minority, it only takes one maverick from the majority to flip to the minority to create a tie which would give the united minority vote getters a chance at survival, and two maverick flips would actually cause a majority member to walk the plank. Bye bye, Wigglesworth, learn to add before returning for your next season of Old Fogies.
Knobby’s Spoiler #8: Funny the lessons that you can get from watching Survivor. Another is KEEP YOUR FLIPPING MOUTH SHUT AT TRIBAL COUNCIL.
31 seasons in and they still haven’t learned to not spill every last bean at TC. It’s really pitiful in a way. Sad. Oh well, their sadness and pitiful ineptitude is our entertainment. Kinda like you never get tired of watching a kitten chase a red laser dot.
Tribe-cola, the beverage that refreshes.