Looking at you, Abi, Kass, Kimmi, Ciera.
Hello, once again it is I, Lumpy Stumpfeller reporting from my lush coconut palm treetop refuge, bringing you this week’s spoilers that have been smuggled off of Survivor Island in the bowels of camels and on the backs of flying squirrels after having been gathered by my loyal band of super spy graduates of the Really Raunchy Girls Finishing School, where they learned the latest in honey pot spycraft and down and dirty dog whoring. And they can cook a mean melted cheese sandwich.
Anyway, the latest dromedaries just arrived with the newest and the bluest spoilers:
One Hump Spoiler #1: According to Probst, Smersh is coming. To quote, “Hey, you shurvivors, I got schum really, really really REALLY, big news for you guysh, the Smersh is coming. Now leave me alone, I have to lay down for a while. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”.
So, Smersh, the notorious bad guy organization out to take over the world, is targeting our beach bound bums. Not that I really care for those beach bozos, but I’m making a lot of money off of this gig, so this is bad news.
Keep your doors locked for now, we will monitor events and inform you when it’s safe to come out.
One Hump Spoiler #2: Keith with a bib? He hasn’t had a shower in 3 weeks, his clothes haven’t been cleaned in longer than that (probably), and he’s worried about slopping a little salsa on his bib coveralls? Maybe he’s just trying to cover up the spit stains on his chest?
One Hump Spoiler #3: It’s just simple logic. If you have someone who prides herself on bringing the chaos, she has to be voted off. Right? Is there any other real choice?
One Hump Spoiler #4: Fishbach, the beat poet. Instead of snapping fingers in appreciation, they (and we) roll our eyes.
But if’s poetry you want, I have a poem I’d like to recite;
There once were two girls who thought they were stuck,
All their men had gone to war, such was their luck,
So they put their heads together,
And began to consider whether,
(Well, we all know how this ends, right?)
One Hump Spoiler #5: Alternative title for Cambodia 31 – “Bruised, Skinned, Scabby, and Bug Bit”.
One Hump Spoiler #6: Not shown, but Probst got such a kick out of telling Dietz that his son was at death’s door that he began randomly waking up our heroes in the middle of the night and telling them a loved one was in peril. Eventually they began to catch on when they noticed that Probst couldn’t stop giggling.
One Hump Spoiler #7: Joe greets the sun on the beach every morning with various Yoga positions, The Wading Stork, the Tree Climbing Snake position, the Creepy Spider Eating a Moth Position, and my favorite, the Double Butt Cheek Dimples in the Sand position.
One Hump Spoiler #8: So Tasha’s survivor tactic is to tell a lie to someone, then turn around and admit you told the lie just to make the other person feel bad about having been told a lie. The island does strange things to people’s thinking.
Tribe wants another bowl of gruel, please sir.